Doc, you gotta help me.
I’ve been dating this girl for 7 months and we truly loved each other. A few months ago she told me she had made a mistake and danced with another guy at a club. She apologized incessantly and wrote me the most beautiful card ever. I forgave her no problem. But I realize I never really did and still hold it against her.
I never brought it up but the self doubts boiled inside of me. She began experiencing problems at home, work, school, and her crazy estranged mother and sought out therapy. Our love life had come to a screeching halt and her therapist told her it was because of all these things. Of course I told her I understood but all the self doubt was inside of me already. So I decided to go through her phone one night when all her friends were over and everyone was outside. I got caught and we fought in front of her friends. But all was forgiven and we had a great two weeks after that. Then I did it again but so much worse. I got wasted and told her friends at a party about everything all of her secrets and ours. I even told one of the guys there that he should try and have sex with her because she obviously wasn’t into me. I fucked up. She says she wants to be friends and rebuild trust. What do I do I’ve ruined the best relationship ever and hurt someone that meant the world to me. PLEASE HELP.
Wow, Chuckles, when you fuck up, you don’t do it small, do you?
I’m going to take a wild stab in the dark and assume that you’re in high-school. I assume this because, frankly, if you’re acting like this and you have a high-school diploma, I’m forced to question the prevailing reasoning as to why 18 is the minimum age to be considered a legal adult.
Because, quite frankly, this is some seriously childish shit.
Let’s start with the incident that instigated this whole mess: the fact that your girlfriend danced with another dude in the a club.
My first reaction, my gut reaction is “Seriously? Seriously?! You and she both got bent out of shape over some dancing?? Are we sure dancing’s not a euphemism or something? Because this makes no goddamn sense.”
Frankly, unless some bits of him went into other bits of her, that is quite literally one of the stupidest things you could get worked up over. Dancing is dancing. Sure, half of club dancing is basically dry-humping, but let’s be serious here. In the realm of “what counts as cheating“, some club floor grinding doesn’t register. At best it could be considered “incitement to infidelity”. If you squint. And your relationship wasn’t all that strong to begin with.
But hey, she felt guilty over it1 and wrote you a beautiful, heartfelt card in apology.
And you continue to hold it against her. You could, y’know, discuss your issue with her (such as it is) like a mature adult instead of holding it inside to fester away at you. So that right there is your first mistake.
Now, your girlfriend may have issues – hence the over-reaction to the whole “dancing” thing. But I’ll give her a pass because she – unlike you – is seeing a therapist for her issues, so at least she’s making an effort here.
You, however… decide that the best thing to do is to completely invade her privacy. Again: over her dancing with a dude in a club. If it seems like I’m pounding a little hard on this particular point, just wait, ‘cuz I ain’t done yet. So you go through her phone – while she was there, which at least implies that you wanted to get caught – and got busted. All things considered, she really would be well within her rights to dump you right then and there, especially after having the violation of her trust compounded with a humiliating fight in front of her friends. But hey, since either she has the patience of a saint or doesn’t understand what she’s in for, she forgave you. She took you back. And things were great again…
For all of two weeks. Which should really be an indication of how things are going. Because nothing says “wonderful relationship” like her boyfriend getting blitzed, blabbing all of her private shit to her friends and then going on to try to get her to cheat on you with someone else.
So, yeah. No shit you fucked up. And bless her little naive soul, she still seems to want to fix things.
You want to know how you save things?
The best thing you can do – for her, if not for yourself – is to let this relationship finally have the mercy kill it so desperately needs. It doesn’t sound like she’s in the best mental state to be dating. God knows your actions have demonstrated that you aren’t in anything that even vaguely resembles the emotional shape you need to be in if you want to maintain a healthy, mature relationship. You need to deal with your self-esteem and trust issues that will have to be resolved long before anyone gives you the green light to date again. If you have enough self-awareness to know just how badly you fucked up and why, then you should realize that all that’s going to happen if you try to fix things is that you’re going to fuck up – again – and make things even worse for her.
If you care for her, then you need to do what she won’t. You need to extract yourself from this incredibly unhealthy situation and give her the time and distance it’s going to take for her to heal. Apparently she’s not going to do what needs to be done and end this relationship before it screws the both of you up further.
I can empathize with the issues of self-doubt and self-esteem; God knows I’ve done my share of wrestling with them. However, once you realize that you have a problem and that it’s actively making both you and the person you care about miserable, then it’s on you to cowboy up and get yourself fixed. It’s long past time you found a therapist and start to unpack some of the shit you’ve got crawling around in your brain. If and when you have made serious, major progress on these issues – and this is a process that may take months or even years – then and only then should you be considering dating anyone, never mind this girl.
Find a good shrink and get some help. You need it more than you realize.
- for no good reason, I remind you [↩]