Ask Dr. NerdLove Archives

What Do I Do About My Low Sex Drive?

May 13, 2022 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Doctor’s note: Today’s letter deals with sexual and emotional abusive relationships and sexual assault

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

I (23m) have always had something of a low sex drive, as in, I just don’t really enjoy having sex or masturbating. I mean, there are some times when I do, but I would say it’s probably not on the level of other guys. I can’t really put a number to it or anything, and it’s not an issue with getting it up or anything, that all works just fine. I just don’t really like sex that much – sometimes I want to have it, but most of the time I’d just rather cuddle or spend time with my partner in other ways. This has proven a problem in my relationships and has only gotten worse after a recent one.

I’m not really too stressed out about finding a partner or anything – I don’t really go out to try and pick up girls because that isn’t really how I connect with people. All of my relationships dating back to high school have come as a result of forming a friendship and the girl eventually asking me out, or asking me to ask her out. I’m just worried that I won’t be able to keep a relationship because of my sex drive problem, since it’s caused trouble in pretty much every relationship I’ve had in the past.

It’s only gotten worse after my most recent relationship. Three years ago, I entered a pretty serious long-term relationship. We clicked on basically every level, and the only hold-up was the sexual aspect of the relationship. She had a very high libido, she wanted to have it all the time and I, not wanting to disappoint, would sometimes just force myself to do it even when I really didn’t want to.

Eventually she kind of got tired of how I wasn’t really into sex as much as she was and would voice that to me. I really loved her and imagined I could have a future with her, so I again tried to improve myself for her. She was really into roleplay and would kinda pressure me into acting out these scenarios that made me feel really uncomfortable – I don’t really want to get into the exact specifics of that, but basically it was a “pretend non-consensual” thing that she had done with other partners in the past and was very into (I hated it).

If I mentioned to her that doing these scenarios made me feel gross, she’d just get upset and make a fuss until I gave in. I don’t really think it was extreme enough to call “abuse”, but she would raise her voice, attack certain insecurities of mine, and on a few occasions she would slap or hit me. Not enough to hurt me physically, but it didn’t really make me feel good emotionally. She was very hung up on gender roles and would tell me that I, as a man, should want to do it all the time and be the one to initiate. Again, I really wanted to make things work with her since everything was perfect outside of this one issue – so I just kind of forced myself to do these things I didn’t enjoy.

Eventually I realized that this relationship, as much as I loved 90% of it, wasn’t going to work out. I talked to her and we both agreed we’d be better off with other partners. But my experiences with her have made my sex drive issue worse.

Months ago, a girl I was interested in came on to me at a party, and she put her hand on my leg. Just her touching me made me think of my experiences with my ex. It really spooked me and I had to excuse myself from the situation. I think that whole thing ruined my chances with that girl, and I’ve begun to doubt I’ll ever find a girl that will put up with my issues.

Recently I entered therapy for unrelated reasons, and I’ve been talking with my therapist about these issues. They’ve given me very good advice, but I still feel like I probably couldn’t initiate sex even if I wanted to.

I’m worried I’ll never be able to keep a woman sexually satisfied going forward. My therapist has told me that I can just tell any future partners about the issues I had with my ex and how they affected me, but I can’t think of a way I’ll be able to breach that topic without looking like some kind of weirdo hung up on a girl from years ago.

I’m already seeing a therapist, but I’ve followed your blog for a while, and I was wondering if you would have have any unique insights on how I can conquer this.

Low Key Low-T

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How Do I Stop Wanting A Relationship?

May 11, 2022 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

I write you to ask a question that is on the fringe of what you do, but that I suspect you will have some thoughts about: what do you do when you don’t really want a partner, or at least want to want a partner, but the jerkbrain finds ways to mess things up?

I am a cis-het man who has reached his mid-thirties without having had any physical or romantic relationships. This used to bother me greatly, but after my thirtieth birthday I felt as though a burden was lifted off my shoulders: for the first time it genuinely felt like I would never get into a relationship, and this has definitely had a liberating effect. Even if my cut-off date was entirely arbitrary, my life since has been better off for it.

I should add that I was born with a birth defect that, whilst hardly debilitating thanks to modern medicine, is hardly debilitating (there are people far worse off), it did come at a significant social cost in my youth, and since it is partially hereditary, I opted out having children years ago. I found that women were (to the best of my knowledge) unanimously uninterested in me, and honestly, what progress I have ever made in this field has been negligible.

Now, I cannot claim that I haven’t been fortunate in many ways. Thanks to my being single in my late twenties I was able to go to Europe to get my PhD at a university that, whilst not enormously prestigious, let me study under some of the most relevant specialists in the world in my field. My career has not exactly been flourishing since (thank you, COVID!), but I have been able to combine a steady job with some good university gigs from which I hope something permanent might arise. As far as I’m concerned, if that would happen, I would have what I need to flourish. There are so many other ways that I can be an asset to the people around me, and I have a diverse group of friends and acquaintances that I by and large am happy with, and that I hope I am a net asset to. I therefore don’t ever really see myself returning to dating.

Now, even though I am old my jerkbrain can still be a jerk, and my lack of success with women is still brought up every now and them. Although they have gotten rarer, there are still bleh days where I feel like nothing else than assuming a fetal position and bingeing on Mr. Big ballads. I am old enough to realize that when I’m feeling heartache or Weltschmerz over the situation there are usually other reasons for this. Lack of professional progress, negative developments in other social relations or even poor nutrition or sleep can all manifest themselves as a girlfriend-shaped hole to my mind. These episodes have become rarer as I have grown older, which I am grateful for. Even so, when they happen, they might still linger for at least a few days, time that I would much rather spend working on grant proposals, lectures or articles.

As you yourself has said on numerous occasions: whilst pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. Do you have any suggestion how do I would go about to opt out?

Yours sincerely,
Ulraunt the Old Buzzard

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How Do I Date When I Don’t Know What I Want?

May 9, 2022 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Doc,

I’ve been reading your column for a little while now, and a lot of your advice has really been helpful for me in reframing some of my hangups around dating. Writing in now though because I have a problem that I don’t think I’ve seen addressed (or I just might have missed in the archives).

Some background, I’m a 27 year old bisexual (probably?) woman. I’ve got a new job that I’m enjoying so far, though it’s a lot more work than I’ve had in others, a great and fairly large social circle of friends and family, my own place that I really like, interests and hobbies I need to start picking back up now that the pandemic seems to be slowing down a bit, and I’m reaching a point where I want a relationship of some kind. I haven’t really dated much in general, a few first dates here and there and a 2 month thing in college that just sort of fizzled out. I mostly meet folks through dating apps nowadays, except the two month thing in college which was through a swing dancing club.

One other note is, I’ve never been diagnosed, but I definitely have some flavor of social anxiety, plus probably depression or possibly ADHD. I manage it fairly well, but it does mean that in new social situations I tend to be a bit on edge, and overcompensate by kind of putting on an over the top bubbly persona, which doesn’t always help people get to know the real me. I also somewhat regularly get overwhelmed with trying to balance work, basic life stuff (keeping apartment clean, cooking, keeping up with appointments, etc), and my social life, and usually the first thing that goes out the window for me is dating, so I’ll be the first to admit I’m not always putting effort into dating.

My main problem though is I’m having a hard time nailing down exactly what I’m looking for in a relationship. Like I said, I’m probably bisexual but I often feel more romantically attracted to masc-leaning folks but sexually attracted to femme folks, which is tricky. Additionally, I’m also not sure on the level of seriousness and commitment I’m looking for. I definitely want a long term committed partner eventually, but it takes me a while to warm up to folks. Even within my friend group, most of them are folks that I’ve known for years (still hang out with some folks I’ve been friends with in high school or earlier) and even then it took me a bit over a year to really feel comfortable and established with some of my newer friends.

On dating apps, when I’ve gone on dates with folks that are looking for something more serious, it always feels like I’m trying to force a connection, but conversely, if I go on dates with folks looking for something more casual, it often tends to just fizzle out with one of us ghosting the other. I also just have a hard time judging whether I’m even attracted to someone in the first place over an app and texts. In person, I tend to click better with people I meet and make friends fairly easily, but once again it takes me a while to figure out whether I’m actually attracted to someone. I think I’m probably somewhere on the demisexuality spectrum, but what that usually means is by the time I figure out I might be into someone, they’ve usually lost any interest they might have had or have started dating someone else by that point. And I once I do develop a crush on someone, they tend to be fairly intense and linger for ages even after I’ve confirmed that it isn’t going to happen, which makes it harder for me to be interested in other folks.

Part of the problem too is that I’m almost always the one to initiate. I don’t think I’m necessarily unattractive, but I am a bit overweight (working on getting back into dancing and weightlifting for that) and definitely not someone who has a bunch of folks pursuing them. I’ve gotten better about not being scared to be the one to initiate when I think I might be interested (thanks a great deal to a lot of your advice!) but it is kind of hard to be the initiator when you aren’t often sure of what you’re looking for yourself.

I could ramble on more, but in short, do you have any advice for how to date when you’re slow to warm to people and aren’t entirely sure what it is you’re looking for anyways?

Thanks,
Lukewarm and Indecisive

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Help, I’m A Virgin and It’s Ruining My Love Life!

May 6, 2022 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

First off, thank you for all the help! Your writing is exactly what so many people need to hear compared to the baseline internet dating advice. It has let me make immense strides with myself. I would not be having this issue without you; I would be 10 steps further back. There is always more work to do, however.

I am a Bi 20M in college who is scared to be sexual/flirt/initiate in that way with anyone. I am a virgin, and am mostly okay with this, but I will have chances to have sex thrown in my face and am almost comically unable to do anything, even though I know exactly what is on the table. Understand that this is a confusing and somewhat scary topic for me to broach. One time, someone asked me if I wanted to go to their room with them and “watch Netflix” and I stood there and said I had to play basketball with my friends. I hate basketball! I like her too! I do these things in third person it feels like, I’m just watching someone else do things I do not want. This is one of a myriad of situations I find myself in, consistently enough to be very frustrating. I was asked once to dirty talk over FaceTime (I did not understand the cues until I was essentially flat out asked). I could not do it. She would tell me just to say what was on my mind, it was completely blank. I felt completely inadequate when the call ended. Every sexual encounter I have had has been initiated by the partner.

I understand it is okay to be more restrictive with sex as a man, I don’t have to have sex with a ton of people to gain “value” or prove something, but this has become a problem. There will be mutual interest, and everything will go well, but I don’t make any moves sexually and things will fizzle out. It’s an important part of a relationship and something that I do want. I considered asexuality, but I decided that does not describe who I am.

It feels like a self-fulfilling prophecy, every failure compounds the anxiety the next time I find myself in these situations. Not having sexual experience is creating the anxiety that makes me recoil from sexual experience. What should I do about this? Read some smut and take notes? Keep at it until I get over The Fear? Find someone who understands and can take it slow? Stop making a big deal out of something that is not so (sex)? Is this intentional?

Thanks,
-Fear is my Mind Killer

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Should I Fix My Relationship, Or Is It Time To Go?

May 2, 2022 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Doc

Just wanted to say a massive thank you for all you do. You’re stuff hits home about a lot of my issues and you argue your point in a very intelligent and well rounded way. I have a lot of rage and resentment towards women and you help me understand why and try to work through it. I thought I would ask your opinion about my current relationship issues. It’s a complex situation and I’m still working things out but thought I would ask if you had any opinion. It’s a long set up but would love your opinion (if you can be bothered to read the whole essay below!)

Been in a long term relationship for around 6 years now. This is my first serious relationship, (I’m now 36) as I didn’t loose my virginity until I was 27. We both have fairly significant mental and emotional issues, I have problems with OCD, anxiety, IBS and depression while she has a lot of fears about acceptance which make her very needy and clingy. Both of these stem from our upbringing (we have both recently started therapy and are finding out a lot of interesting ideas and points but the process is expensive and slow!), her dad died when she was young and her mother is a textbook narcissist, while my mum was and is fairly critical and overbearing while my dad is very passive and does everything he can to please her, regardless of how ridiculous she is being. The relationship is a bit co-dependent, we both support each other through all our shit but the relationship became really strained a few months ago when we stopped communicating well.

I was always working or playing Warhammer (massive nerd I know!) while she became distant and passive aggressive. We ended up having a big talk where I said I needed some space and left the house. Been thinking for ages that I’m not sure about the relationship, we have very little in common and we barely ever have sex, but half way down the road I realised I didn’t want to lose her. We got back together, with us both agreeing to work on our issues. I am more a ‘love avoidant’, whereas she is more of a ‘love addict’ pattern (recently read ‘The Truth’ by Neil Strauss). She wants me to promise to be with her forever whereas I want her to open up sexually (I always initiate, she never gives me a blowjob, it’s always standard missionary and happens about once every 2 months). I have classic nice guy issues (which I have been working on and am getting better at) as well as problems with intimacy, commitment and very low self esteem (I just read your piece on internal vs external validation, was really good!). I have a deep seated need to be desired sexually and have spent a lot of hours looking through adult dating sites recently, not looking to cheat but seeing what’s out there and enjoying the show and fantasy.

I have only recently got onto Twitter and follow a lot of cosplayers and models who share my interests. I have been thinking about polyamory and open relationships for a while but am not sure if this is just who I am or just me needing the validation that comes with seducing as many beautiful women as I can. I know that porn stars and the girls on twitter are putting on a show a lot of the time and it’s a fantasy but I can’t help but feel that there is someone better suited to me out there, someone who has a higher sex drive, is kinky, beautiful, happy to sleep with other women (obviously this would be the dream!) shares my interests but I know that this may be wishful thinking and I have a big problem attracting women I am attracted to. Although I love my girlfriend, I am not entirely happy in the relationship or in my life. I am trying to work out what I should do next, I am going to therapy to try and work through these issues but as you can probably tell, I have a lot of issues to work through and this all takes time. I have just read your piece on becoming more attractive and feeling like you need to make up for lost time, I am conscious that I am coming closer to 40 while I am still mainly attracted to women in their 20s and 30s. I just feel stuck, I really don’t want to hurt her or lose her but I am not sexually satisfied, reaching for fantasy and the stunning, flawless, sexy women I see online.

My therapist seems to think I’m with her because I don’t think I can get or deserve to be with anyone else (I don’t feel I deserve my current girlfriend either to tell you the truth) and there may be some truth in that but I do genuinely care about her and enjoy her company. It’s the fact that I do not feel sexually fulfilled, she’s always ‘too tired’ for sex but will not let me seek sexual fulfillment outside of the relationship. I feel like I’m in a lose-lose situation and have no idea what to do apart from continuing to go to therapy and read around all these subjects, which all take time.

She is in a fairly low paying job so I support her a lot financially (I’m paying for her therapy for a start) and we’re thinking about buying a house together, which is bringing all these issues a bit more to the surface. I simultaneously want to stay and leave the relationship and have no idea what’s for the best.

Sorry for the essay but leaving bits out would put the question out of context. What would be your opinion on the whole thing?

Many thanks and keep up the good work

Mister Fix-It

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