Ask Dr. NerdLove Archives - Page 3 of 95

Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do I Ask My Friend For A Threesome?

January 14, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey Doc,

I am a bisexual woman in a very happy relationship with my fiancé (a dude). Recently, we have been discussing the potential of having threesomes, as a way of exploring our sexuality further together.

I have had something of a long-standing crush on a mutual friend of ours. He’s a part of our main group of friends who we hang out with weekly to play D&D with. We’re all slightly awkward nerds. I’ve been getting a general vibe lately that the attraction might be mutual, especially after we spent the majority of the last party we had basically cuddling. But I feel I could also just be reading what I want to be into what may just be friendly interactions for him! I’ve been thinking lately that I might want to be straightforward about my attraction to him, and ask if he’d be up for a threesome. My fiancé is aware of all of this and is open to it as well.

I just really don’t want to make things uncomfortable between us. I really like him as a person and value his friendship more than anything. I think a threesome could be a lot of fun if he was interested, but I don’t want to be creepy, or make him feel like I’ve been his friend under false pretenses. If his answer was no I would be absolutely ok with that, and it wouldn’t change how I feel about him as a friend. I’ve only ever had sex with my fiancé before, so this is really a varsity level conversation that I don’t know how to even start, or if I should start at all. What should I do?

Thanks,
Don’t Know If I Can Make This Diplomacy Check

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do I Date, Now That I’m Bisexual?

January 11, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

I’m a 32 year old gay man. At least, that’s how I have labeled myself, and my sexual and romantic life has been with men. But I’ve always found some women attractive. More recently, I’ve found myself more and more interested in women. I think now I’m actually now more sexually attracted to women than to men. (It sounds really weird, and it’s been even weirder to live through. But bi people have told me that this experience is really common among them). And I’ve done some things to explore my desires for women — and, yup, they feel as real as any straight guy’s. So I’ve accepted that I’m really bisexual, and I want to make women a part of my life. But the obstacles to doing that seem formidable.

I know that most women won’t date bisexual men. Talking with bi guys on-line, they all have nightmarish stories of constant rejection, so much that some have given up dating women at all. I need to find women who would be open to someone like me. I don’t know how to find them. I know to rule out women who might have some religious or moral objections — no loss there. I also know that I’m open to dating women that many straight men would rule out — older women, “bigger” women (who actually really turn me on, BTW). But I really need some kind of hint as to what women might give me a chance. (FWIW, I am disease-free and would be monogamous in a committed relationship). A bi woman would seem ideal, but a lot of them won’t date bi men either.

I also am intimidated by what I know about the straight dating world. The straight women I know all have horror stories about the things men have done to them. The straight men I know all have stories of frustration finding available women and being subjected to various “head games” by women. But something must work, since most of the people I know are in relationships. I’m also put off by the rigidity of straight dating — the man must initiate, the man must pay for everything, the man is expected to make more money. All of these things are much more flexible in same-sex relationships. I know that women have good reason to be wary of men — I’ve had my own bad experiences with men, so I really understand. But I would probably get frustrated quickly with a woman who expected me to always conform to a fixed role.

I don’t know where this is going. I don’t know whether I want a full-blown romantic relationship with a woman, or something more casual. Unlike a lot of the straight people my age, I’m not looking to get married now! But I know that men wanting to “keep it casual” are a dime a dozen, and women constantly complain about men who won’t commit. Once again, I don’t how to find women who would be interested in a casual relationship where I would still be exploring my sexuality. Maybe a woman who recently got out of a relationship and just wants to have fun would work for me. I might be a better bet for a woman who doesn’t want kids, since I’m now in the stage of life where a lot of women get serious about their biological clocks.

I actually think I could bring a lot to a relationship with a woman. My friends would tell you that I am smart, funny, and charming. I dress well and work out regularly. I have an advanced degree and a solid job. I have plenty of female friends (I haven’t dared to discuss my sexual exploration with most of them, and I wonder how they would take learning that their gay buddy was hot for them — which I am!). I am beginning to think that I am moving into a more heterosexual phase of my life, given how strong my desires for women are. But the obstacles to my achieving fulfillment seem huge — I am scared that I’m going to just end up as another lonely, frustrated guy who dreams of being with women but knows they will never have him.

Bisexual Guy Looking For Chicks

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: What If I CAN’T “Just Be Friends?”

January 7, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey Doc,

I basically need some advice about how to move on from an ex. I dated a guy for about two and a half months. I’m in college, he just finished a few weeks before we started seeing each other. At first it seemed he was very enthusiastic and making all of the moves first. He was the first to suggest we be exclusive, constantly telling me how much he enjoyed dating me, etc. I wasn’t sure what to expect at the start of the relationship as I knew I had a previous problem of expecting too much of partners and moving a relationship too fast, but this constant independent reassurance let me relax and by the two month marker I was beginning to see it as the start of something long term.

Then I left to visit family for a week, and on the coach back home he called me and said he felt nothing towards me and wanted to break up, but still wanted to be friends (he had wanted to do it in person but we weren’t going to see each other for a while so it wouldn’t have been fair any other way). I also then made some time to meet him, given that this was a pretty big thing I wanted to talk about, and I let him know my feelings and how much I really, really liked him. He told me I did nothing wrong, I wasn’t being too clingy or too distant, and he was sad it didn’t work out because he didn’t know why he didn’t feel anything. But he emphasised over everything that “I still want you in my life”. The whole thing came as a shock but of course you can’t be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t like you (duh) so I said sure, that’s fine, I would be friends.

It’s now been four months. I haven’t brought anything up to do with our relationship or asked to get back with him, etc, even though it’s constantly at the back of my mind no matter how much I try to process it, repress it or tell myself it’s impossible. We’ve seen each other a lot, hung out together on our own and in group situations, and been to plenty of parties, etc, together. But it still hurts, every time I see him and every time he messages me. I know he will never “take me back” or anything like that, and he owes zero explanation of why he didn’t feel anything towards me: sometimes that just happens, and it’s happened to me. But realising that hasn’t made me stop loving or liking him any less, and some tiny tiny part of me still hopes he’ll ask me out again. I know it’s impossible and keep telling myself that, but I keep making excuses – for example, maybe he still wasn’t over his serious relationship he got out of a couple months before me, and he just needs time to process that before coming back to me, and if I stick around enough maybe it’ll happen. (Of course it won’t, but my brain keeps entertaining these kinds of fantasies.) But every time he says how lucky he feels to have me in his life, or compliments my appearance, or anything, it just adds to that impossible little spark of hope. I should be grateful I have such a great friend who values and appreciates me, but it also just makes me feel so sad I can’t be with this amazing person romantically.

I also knew it would be tough seeing him date someone else but a mutual friend messaged me over the holiday break to say she had slept with him and that they would be dating and that she hoped it wouldn’t upset me because she valued me as a friend. I told her that’s of course fine and why should I ask anything of them on behalf of my stupid unrequited feelings? I want to be happy for them, and for them to be happy too – all I’ve ever wanted was to make him happy. I have also been dating other people in the months since we broke up, and he knows this, so it would be completely unfair for me to say this upsets me. But I do think it hurts realising a mutual friend knows how much I love him and still do, since she helped me through the break up, and has still decided to do this. It shouldn’t, I know this isn’t healthy or fair, and my past shouldn’t stop her seeing anyone she likes. But the thought of it just makes me well up and I’m not sure I could ever see them together in person. I don’t want to stop them being happy together but it hurts far too much to think about the whole thing.

Basically, I just want to ask for a second opinion on should I keep trying to be friends? Or, ideally, how do I make these feelings go away? I’m so emotionally drained and sad about it constantly, which also isn’t fair on anyone I try to date, so I’ve cut off or declined anyone asking me out in the last few weeks. I would love for us to be friends, more than anything in the world. But I don’t know how to describe how much it hurts seeing him and not being with him, or being there for him as a partner when he’s sad, or just being with him. We act much the same as we did when dating, messaging probably even more, but all without the benefits of being in a relationship.

Tl;dr: How do I move on healthily from my ex who has ended up being one of my best friends, or how do I cut him off, even though this would also hurt immensely, without upsetting him too?

Yours
Trying To Be Friends

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do I Make Friends In A New City?

January 4, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey Doc, at some point next year, I plan on moving to a new city to start a graduate degree program. I’m cautiously optimistic about this, as it’ll give me a chance to create a new social network and meet more new people; however, as it stands right now, I’m lacking a social life.

I’m 27 years old and have never had a girlfriend, and I’ve also never really had a close, tightly-knit group of platonic friends; mostly acquaintances. Once I move and attempt to make closer friendships, I’ll inevitably have to admit to these people about how I’ve never really had any close friends. I know that you’ve explained that when admitting something about yourself that people may not like, such as being a virgin (which I also am), you don’t try to show that you’re embarrassed or shameful, but it’s easier said than done. Plus, people talk about their friends constantly, whether they’re old friends or current ones, and if don’t, it’ll stick out like a sore thumb. If I ever have to explain that I’ve never had much of a social life, how do I rationalize or explain it in the best possible way?

Furthermore, when attempting to build a new social circle, I’m uncertain about what ages of people (and gender, as well) to focus on meeting. I’ll be studying speech-language pathology, which is mostly girls. I know this’ll give me a great chance to practice talking to women, but I’m not certain as to how well I could relate to most of them, because I’ll be 28 when I start the program, meaning most of the girls will be much younger than me, and it won’t be as easy to relate to them, seeing as we’re in different stages in life. For the record, I want to mainly focus on building my social circle, and if a relationship develops from it, that’s great. Still, I want other friends as well outside of college. I know there are plenty of other ways to build my social circle, but it’s generally been hard for me to relate to many of my fellow millennials throughout my life. At the same time, though I always found it a little odd trying to make friends with those who are 10 or more years older than me, even though some of our interests may be more compatible. (I like a lot of older TV shows and movies, and particularly love 60s rock music that isn’t just The Beatles.) I’m sure you’ll say something like how I shouldn’t care if there winds up being a significant age difference or a significant amount of girls in my social circle, as long as there’s mutual compatibility, but how do I just stop questioning this, just go for it, and get out and meet new people without any of these thoughts creeping up in my mind?

One more thing: I’ll be where I am right now for about five or six more months before I move. I want to practice my social skills now so it’ll be easier to meet new people after I move, but since I won’t be here much longer, it’ll be hard to develop close friendships. With all of this in mind, what would be the best way to improve socially in my current locale?

Movin’ On Up

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: Is It Too Late For Me?

December 31, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Doc,

I’m going to make this a bit of a short story, starting with the present, moving on to the past, and ending with some questions on how to approach my love-life’s future, if you don’t mind.

I’m a 32 year old web applications programmer, and I have had no real experience with love, sex, or even dating. There’s optimistic phrases for people like me, such as “late bloomer,” or “don’t compare your life to others, just live your life and things will be fine.” But, I’m real scared that I’m on my way to being Steve Carell’s 40-year-old Virgin. This leads me to not talk much about my love life with friends or family, but also, I think, leads to a circular problem because by not putting myself out there as willing or available, nothing really comes my way; kind of like job hunting. Compounding it all is the fact that I do suffer from some depression and social anxiety, which makes it tough for me to get out on my own. Leading me to go out only when I have friends or family available, and typically keeps me from going to or participating in things where I might meet other singles like myself.

Now for the past: I moved from a tiny town in a very rural area–like literally it was a 2 and a half hour drive just to go to a Walmart–when I was in the middle of High School to a larger city/metro with close to 3 million people. Made it hard to make and keep close friends. No real complaints. I’ve lived a good life. My Senior year of High School, I was a foreign exchange student in Kyoto, Japan, and went to a college prep (and English language friendly) school affiliated with the University of Kyoto. Met some friends that I currently pen pal (email) with today. Also, in my Junior year of High School, I was in Taekwondo. You would think a 16 year old boy would be hormone filled and super open to sex, but when a 26 year old instructor came onto me when we traveled together to a tournament with an overnight stay, I freaked out and was scared. Not really something you talk with any friends about, it’s just embarrassing. In college, I kinda sorta dated this girl that was in several of my classes, but, honestly, and embarrassingly, I didn’t really know how to take things a step further than just hanging out every now and then, going to a few movies, dinners, coffee shops, she even invited me over and cooked dinner a few times. I knew she wanted to “officially” date and was waiting for me to do something more…I could just feel it. But, I didn’t know what to do, and didn’t know how to communicate my feelings. I liked her, and wanted to take it further, too, but just wasn’t sure how to get past where we were. So, we graduated, she moved for a job, I moved for grad school, and that was that. We kept up a bit from a distance over the phone and email, but not much anymore; she’s married now. Got a scholarship to study at Cambridge in the UK for my masters degree. School was pretty intense, and I didn’t have a whole lot of time. Weirdly, there was a guy that I shared a very similar experience with that I had with my “kinda sorta girlfriend” in college. We actually kind of dated, I think. And, if I’m honest, I was attracted. And, I think it was a similar situation where we just weren’t sure how to go to the next step. So, I’m not really sure, but I may be bisexual.

That’s where we get to where I’m at now, and how do I move forward. I’m back where I’ve been since I was a Sophomore in High School. Living alone, but about a half hour drive from the parents. Working as a programmer. Having a hard time getting out on my own. And, also a little confused about my sexuality because, let’s be honest, I really have no real experience at all. How to a reconcile this and move forward. At 32, even if I’m comfortable with the fact that all my friends are married or seriously dating and I am doing nothing of the sort (which, I’m not), I feel like it’s time to move forward a bit. It’s hard to live alone at this point and not feel a little lonely. Any advice on steps to take to just get a catalyst going toward moving out of stagnation?

Thanks, Doc!

Too-Late Bloomer

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