The Basics Archives

Men, This Is Why You THINK You’re Ugly

August 4, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

So, I’m gonna do something a little different today.

There’re some letters I get over and over again. Not from the same person, but variations on an incredibly common theme. There are some letters and topics that come up so often with the same insecurities, often using identical language, that it seems pretty obvious they’re coming from the same place, literally and metaphorically. And just between you, me and everyone reading this… it gets a bit frustrating. I mean, it’s not like I haven’t covered these topics in exhausting detail. And likewise, it’s not as though I haven’t covered how to handle these issues.

Angry frustrated annoyed young adult man consumer feel rage looking at computer notebook screen — I mean, do folks not realize I have a search bar and extensive archive?

So needless to say, I get a bit of a headache when I get the latest version of “why do women only like X guys” like this one:

Doc , I feel really depressed and I want to share with you my story. Growing up i knew i was not the most handsome man in the room , women always ignore me because i was , well , not an eye candy.i bet that you get this question asked fair often but , if you are average can you be attractive to women? it seems that in order to be attractive to women you need to be a really really good looking dude (and tall , and muscular..) never in my life any women give a damn about me (and being honest , i never talk to them) but why in the name of god a woman (who has all the options of the world and 0% reject rate and access to modern day dating apps such as Tinder or Bumble) will choose me?

i read your article about pre -rejection but i think you are underestimating the amount of power women have when it comes to dating , any woman no matter how “ugly” she is can have the most handsome man in the room for a casual fling or relationship , women don’t face any hardship in the dating world. in fact , being a man is actually a curse , you have to do all the hard work in all the stages all your life. my main problem Doc is that i find very difficult to feel empathy to women since they have all the advantage. i don’t want to feel that way but is the way i feel.

(All grammar and spelling are from the original.)

But rather than go into how to solve these problems — seriously, I’ve got ten years worth of archives, podcasts, YouTube videos and several books, folks — we’re gonna get to the root of it all. Because, quite frankly, no amount of self-improvement is going to work until you focus on why, not the how. And that means talking about how folks get here, first.

So come up to the lab and see what’s on the slab; it’s time for a little exploratory emotional surgery. Here’s why so many men feel unattractive.

[Read more…]

The 5 Common Mistakes That Ruin Dating For Men

March 17, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dating should be fun. Done right, it’s a blast. There’s a thrill in meeting someone awesome and getting to know them. There’s the excitement of discovering the fascinating side of a new person. And of course, there’s the exciting nervousness that comes as a relationship progresses and goes from “dates” to “this may be serious…”

But a lot of guys struggle to make that initial connection. Dating can be a serious challenge for a lot of men, who may struggle even with that initial connection — whether it’s meeting women in person, or through dating apps. It’s incredibly frustrating, especially when you don’t know what you’re doing wrong. The things that seem to come so easily to other men feel almost impossible for you.

This is the leading cause of sitting at the bar, pretending to be texting on your phone rather than admitting that you’re there by yourself…

Many times, the issue is that men who struggle with dating are making things harder on themselves. The problem is that they’re making incredibly common mistakes — mistakes that could easily be avoided. Here are some of the mistakes that make dating harder for men and how to avoid them.

[Read more…]

5 Ways To Become Someone Women Want To Date

September 2, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

I spend a lot of time working with men who want to get better at dating women. This ranges from guys who’re trying to recover from a bad break-up, guys who spend so much time in the Friend Zone that they could run for political office there and even men who’ve never so much as held hands with someone, never mind asked a woman out on a date. In all that time I’ve noticed something important:

The men who struggle the most with dating always — always — ask the wrong question. Every single time I’ve seen someone who says they can’t get a date, can’t talk to women or just have been cursed by the Universe to be Forever Alone, they inevitably compare themselves to other men. They treat dating like a competition; how can they be more desirable than their rivals? What can they do to keep other folks from “stealing” their girl? How, in pluperfect hell, can they get a date when Chad “20%” Thundercock is out there, rolling around and picking up 80% of the women like a weird, fleshy Cronenbergian version of Katamari Damacy?

🎶 Na naaa na na na na na nana na na na nana SQUISH 🎶

But that right there is the mistake. The issue that all of these guys have is that they’re so focused on their “competition” that they’ve missed the fundamental truth. Other guys aren’t your competition. Women aren’t comparing dudes in a spreadsheet and going with the guy who has the most points. You’re not in competition with other men; you’re in competition with a night at home, alone.

The question they need to ask isn’t “how can I be more attractive than other guys.” It’s “why would women want to date me, specifically?”

Because here’s the secret: being attractive to women isn’t about your face or your body. 90% of good looks is about presentation and hygiene. Being attractive is about how you make women feel when you’re around and the way they miss you when you’re gone. It’s being the person they can’t wait to hear from. The person they can relax around and rely on.

That doesn’t come from your face or abs. That comes from within.

Here are 5 things that you can do to become someone women want to date.

[Read more…]

Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do I Make New Friends?

April 9, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey Doc,

I am a recent college graduate who is struggling to make new friends, and was hoping to hear your thoughts on this issue.

I currently have a small but solid group of friends left over from college, who I would describe as eccentric nerds and would-be intellectuals, as well as a SO. But, my SO and I will be moving out of state in the near future to a place where neither of us have any preexisting connections. In the past, I’ve met most of my friends through other friends, but now I’ll have to almost completely start over socially, and I really don’t know what I am going to do.

I’ve wanted to make new friends since graduating–if nothing else to practice before the big move–but even after reading your articles on the topic I’m still feeling at a loss as to how to do it. I’ve tried going out to bars and local events, but people at these places attend with their preexisting friends and don’t show much interest in talking to new people. I’ve also tried attending a few Meetups related to my interests, but at these most of the attendees are regulars mostly interested in socializing with other regulars.

To make things more difficult, I just don’t seem to click with the new people I do manage to interact with, even at events related to my interests. When I start talking to new people, the conversations mostly consist of awkward small talk, leading to me and the other person feeling awkward and causing the conversation to fizzle out. I just don’t feel like I have much in common with most people out in “the real world”, and I’m not sure where to find people that I do have more in common with. I did find (a few) people that I had more in common with in college, but after college it seems like they have become a lot harder to find.

I just don’t understand how people make new friends when they move to a new city and have to start over. Any advice would be much appreciated.

– At A Loss

[Read more…]

5 Steps To Having An Amazing New Year

January 1, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove 13 Comments

For many of us, 2017 was a mixed bag at best and a blasted hellscape at worst. But that’s over. Now it’s 2018 and if you’re like me, you’re blinking, bleary-eyed and hung-over into the dawn of a new year and wondering… what next?

Well, if you’re like many people, you’re thinking about your New Years resolutions. After all, what is a new year except a reason to look at the previous year and wonder how we can do better.

Now, I’m firmly on the record as being a “New Years Resolutions are awful” guy. It’s a cliche that they’re just invitations to failure and disappointment. After all, do we really need another list of reminders of things we’ve continued to fail at to nag at our souls?

But I am nothing if not an optimist and – as arbitrary as it is – the beginning of a new year is as good a time to want to make a change. But if you want to make your new year amazing, then the last thing you want to do is sabotage your resolutions before you can really begin them. So here are the 5 key steps to making this a happy – and amazing – new year and new you.

[Read more…]