The Basics Archives

Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do I Make New Friends?

April 9, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey Doc,

I am a recent college graduate who is struggling to make new friends, and was hoping to hear your thoughts on this issue.

I currently have a small but solid group of friends left over from college, who I would describe as eccentric nerds and would-be intellectuals, as well as a SO. But, my SO and I will be moving out of state in the near future to a place where neither of us have any preexisting connections. In the past, I’ve met most of my friends through other friends, but now I’ll have to almost completely start over socially, and I really don’t know what I am going to do.

I’ve wanted to make new friends since graduating–if nothing else to practice before the big move–but even after reading your articles on the topic I’m still feeling at a loss as to how to do it. I’ve tried going out to bars and local events, but people at these places attend with their preexisting friends and don’t show much interest in talking to new people. I’ve also tried attending a few Meetups related to my interests, but at these most of the attendees are regulars mostly interested in socializing with other regulars.

To make things more difficult, I just don’t seem to click with the new people I do manage to interact with, even at events related to my interests. When I start talking to new people, the conversations mostly consist of awkward small talk, leading to me and the other person feeling awkward and causing the conversation to fizzle out. I just don’t feel like I have much in common with most people out in “the real world”, and I’m not sure where to find people that I do have more in common with. I did find (a few) people that I had more in common with in college, but after college it seems like they have become a lot harder to find.

I just don’t understand how people make new friends when they move to a new city and have to start over. Any advice would be much appreciated.

– At A Loss

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5 Steps To Having An Amazing New Year

January 1, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove 13 Comments

For many of us, 2017 was a mixed bag at best and a blasted hellscape at worst. But that’s over. Now it’s 2018 and if you’re like me, you’re blinking, bleary-eyed and hung-over into the dawn of a new year and wondering… what next?

Well, if you’re like many people, you’re thinking about your New Years resolutions. After all, what is a new year except a reason to look at the previous year and wonder how we can do better.

Now, I’m firmly on the record as being a “New Years Resolutions are awful” guy. It’s a cliche that they’re just invitations to failure and disappointment. After all, do we really need another list of reminders of things we’ve continued to fail at to nag at our souls?

But I am nothing if not an optimist and – as arbitrary as it is – the beginning of a new year is as good a time to want to make a change. But if you want to make your new year amazing, then the last thing you want to do is sabotage your resolutions before you can really begin them. So here are the 5 key steps to making this a happy – and amazing – new year and new you.

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Paging Dr. NerdLove Episode #48 – What Are The Fundamentals of Flirting?

October 5, 2017 by Dr. NerdLove 26 Comments

Listen: here Direct Download: here

(Doctor’s Note: Like the video? Be sure to head to YouTube to like it and share your thoughts in the comments!)

One of the reasons why people get confused or frustrated with flirting is that they tend to get lost in the weeds when they want to learn how to flirt with someone. We often misunderstand how flirting works or don’t know how to do it the right way.

Flirting isn’t about negging and you’re delivering backhanded “compliments” to lower somebody’s social value compared to yours and making them crave your approval. It’s not about showering someone with complements, or being sexual or getting them to think about or talk about sex. Flirting is all about the connection you build with someone and making that bond with their real, authentic self.

There’s no one way to flirt, but there are some best practices when it comes to flirting, things that are fundamental to it no matter what your personal flirting style is. So this week we’re going to talk about the do’s and don’ts that make up the best practices and core components of successful flirting.

Show Highlights:

Understanding The Four Keys to Flirting Success
The Proper Way To Utilize Flirting
Why Negging, Teasing and Bantering Can Backfire… Badly
The Value of The Unexpected
Where, When and How To Flirt

…and so much more.

Related Links:

Instant Charisma

How to Use Humor In Your Flirting

Building Physical Chemistry

Chemistry and Emotional Engagement

How To Banter (Without Being An Asshole)

Finding Your Flirting Style

Don’t forget to subscribe and review us on iTunes , Stitcher and on YouTube.

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Want more dating advice? Check out my books at www.www.doctornerdlove.com/books

How To Take Dating To The Next Level

August 14, 2017 by Dr. NerdLove 140 Comments

The process of getting better at dating can be a difficult one. There are a lot of self-limiting beliefs that can be hard to overcome – not the least of which being that you’re “stuck” at wherever you are and there’s nothing you can do. It’s part of the binary-view of social skills that guys tend to get brought up in; you’re good with women or you aren’t. Either you’re socially awkward or you aren’t. You’re popular… or you aren’t.

And of course, there’re a lot of people who buy into this. It’s a tempting narrative after all; when there’s no hope and no choice, you are relieved of all responsibility. You can point to the world at being unfair or complain that other people demonize your natural-if-awkwardly-expressed desires. It absolves you, in many ways, of having to do any self-examination. After all, if the world’s unfair, then isn’t it better to demand that the world change?

But that’s not how it works. That’s not how any of it works.

One of the things that I like to emphasize is that dating is a skill. And any skill can be improved with practice. The tricky part though, is that developing a skill can take time. If we buy into the axiomatic 10,000 hours for mastery… that’s a lot of time before you can get good at something. And with all the skills that can comprise a successful dating life… well, that’s going to take forever, isn’t it?

No. No it isn’t.

Today, I’m going to teach you about how you can radically improve your social skills in almost no time. If you’re ready to shave off the time it takes to learn to be the dating master you know you can be… well, this week is for you.

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Paging Dr. NerdLove Episode #40 – How To Write A Perfect Online Dating Message

August 10, 2017 by Dr. NerdLove 23 Comments

Maybe this has happened to you: you get a match on Tinder or find someone on OKCupid who seems to be absolutely perfect for you. You message them… and get absolutely nothing in return. Or you might have a conversation that peters out within two to three exchanges or you’re left with shorter and shorter replies that take longer and longer to arrive.

This has been the experience of a lot of men when it comes to online dating. And it can be incredibly frustrating to feel like you’re putting in all that effort for absolutely no return and have no idea why.

More often than not, it’s because you’re slipping up in one critical area – your first message doesn’t tweak their interest. Your first message to somebody on a dating site is going to be what makes someone decide whether they want to take a chance on talking to you, so you need to know how to make it count.

Show Highlights: