Dating Archives

How Do I Avoid Getting Ghosted on Dating Apps?

October 18, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey Doc, I’ve found your advice for online dating really helpful recently, and this situation has me stumped.

I matched with this lady online and we hit it off well! But when I asked her if she’d want to meet up in person, she said she won’t be able to for over a month or so as she needs to revise. We’re still talking for now and she seems keen to meet, it doesn’t seem like excuse. But we’ve only been talking for a week and it seems like a relatively long time in advance to plan and to be patient for, but mostly I’m concerned we’ll lose that ‘emotional momentum‘ you’ve mentioned in previous posts, or that there’ll be expectations or assumptions built up over time.

Do you think there’s a way around this?

Newton’s First Law

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Help, I Just Discovered My Fiancé Is Already Married!

October 8, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

I met my fiancé, we’ll call him A, in 2019 on a dating site. He was sweet, funny, educated, and driven. He told me he had never been married and didn’t have children. I have one boy from a previous relationship. A was a travel nurse and I was a staff nurse at the time. We went on our first date the day after my 30th birthday. We hit it off immediately and the relationship moved pretty fast.

After a few months, I introduced him to my son and after a year, we decided to travel together. We get time off between our assignments, usually a couple weeks which we use to spend time with our families.

Last October, A proposed to me and I said yes. He met my entire family and everyone loves him, I told them we are getting married, etc. I’ve always found it strange that he had never taken me to meet his family though. I tried not to push the subject, because he said he had a strained relationship with everyone.

When he returned from his family this time, however, I found another woman’s underwear in his laundry. I panicked and did a background check on him. As it turns out, he has been married for 13 years and has 4 children. I’m so shocked and angry. I told his wife, who he has since left to be with me. I don’t know what to do. I love him, but he has lied to me everyday of our relationship and has been unfaithful as well. It’s hard not to curl into a ball and give up. I feel so stupid, I told whole family we are getting married.

What do I do?

Unintentional Homewrecker

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These Mistakes Are Costing You Dates

July 7, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

I have a serious question for you: are you someone who plays to win, or who plays to avoid losing?

Most folks would say that, yes, they absolutely play to win. Even if they’re not the sort of min/maxing, loophole-finding, cutthroat gamesman who makes board game night a flaming hellscape, people will generally say that when they play, their goal is to make a sincere effort at winning.

Group of friends sitting at wooden table, having fun while playing board game. — Except for Abbott: the ONE guy who plays Pandemic by being on the side of the disease, WHAT THE FUCK, ABBOTT?

However, if you look at people’s dating life, you’d be forgiven for thinking that not only are they not playing to win, they’re playing in a way that’s designed to ensure they won’t find a long-term partner. To be blunt, a lot of the ways that people approach dating actively works against them. They are, for all intents and purposes, focused on not losing. That is: they’re focused more on avoiding rejection than they are on finding a potential partner. And to be fair: this is understandable. If you don’t have a lot of social experience, you’re just starting to date or you’re finding yourself back on the market again, rejection can be scary. It feels like the worst thing that could happen to you. It’s natural to want to try to avoid it at all costs.

But the problem is that trying to avoid “losing” isn’t the same as winning; in fact, taking this outlook will actually cost you dates.

It’s time to stop handicapping your own love life. Here’s how to recognize and avoid these common dating mistakes.

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5 Harsh Truths About Dating (And What You Can Do About It)

June 9, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

I want to tell you some harsh truths about dating. Truths that, when you understand them, will explain why dating can be a nightmare. However, once you’re able to face those truths, you’ll find that dating will actually be simpler and more enjoyable.

And the key to understanding them starts with gambling and religious pigeons.

photo of asiatic rock dove pigeon looking angry — “I don’t see you doing the proper number of head bobs. Do I detect HERESY amongst our number?”

OK, I freely admit this sounds like I’ve had a stroke, but trust me, it will all make sense in a second.

So here’s your first harsh truth: dating isn’t nearly as difficult or as complicated as people think it is. The reason why it can be a shitstorm of Michael Bay proportions is because… well, because of people. The single biggest reason why folks would rather look into recreational dentistry than get back on the dating scene is because of the way people aren’t honest about dating. And this is a truth that crosses sexuality and gender lines; gay, pan or straight, cis or trans, guys, gals and non-binary pals… damn near everyone isn’t honest about dating. Not with others and — more often — not with themselves.

That’s not to say that people are maliciously lying. It’s more that folks don’t like admitting the truth to themselves. It’s easier to take comfort in the fictions we tell ourselves than to face the truth. Even when those lies are actually contributing to making dating a miserable experience.

Accepting these truths — and they’re not the ones you think — will change how you approach dating. And this will make dating that much easier, less stressful and more satisfying.

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What Men Need to Know About Flirting

April 14, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

As more and more people get vaccinated against COVID, we’re all starting to step back into the world again. Just as importantly, people are ready to try to jumpstart their love lives again after a long, frustrating and lonely year of enforced solitude. And while there’s going to be an adjustment period as we all try to come back from having gone fully feral, one thing that hasn’t changed is the need for social skills. And while “hey, Pfizer, Moderna or J&J” may work for an opening line, a lot of people fumble at what comes next.

Bearded,Handsome,Man,Smiling,Thoughtfully,Listening,To,His,Beautiful,Woman — “So, want to come back to my place and meet my sourdough starter?”

We may all be desperate for human contact, but understanding how to connect with people is still vital. And if you’re looking to break out of a pandemic-induced dry spell, then you need to understand how to flirt.

Flirting is one of the most important — and paradoxically, one of the most misunderstood — skills when it comes to dating. A lot of men assume that flirting is an incredibly specific process; you have to act and speak a certain way, demonstrate your value or worth and show that you’re the best possible choice out of everyone else at the bar. By doing so, you generate powerful attraction — even in the most obstinate of women — and get her number or a shared Uber back to your place.

Except… that’s not how flirting works. That’s not how flirting works at all.

Flirting isn’t about generating attraction and interest where there isn’t any; in fact, if someone isn’t interested in you, trying to flirt is likely going to make them roll their eyes so hard that they can see their own brain. Flirting, at its most basic, is about signaling your interest, gauging potential attraction and — most importantly — engaging someone on an emotional level.

In fact, the emotional engagement is the most important part of flirting. It’s what captures somebody’s attention, what draws them to you and what encourages them to want to spend more time with you. Flirting is about having fun, not trying to get laid. You are showing your interest in someone in a fun and engaging way, while inviting them to join you in that fun. In a very real way, flirting is the art of giving people permission to do something that they already want to do: enjoy themselves with someone who’s warm and charming. People often enjoy flirting for its own sake — not because they want to hook up but because they enjoy how it feels. Flirting can be a game. Done properly, flirting is about the fun you have together, not what the end results may or may not be.

Once you understand this fundamental aspect of flirting, the rest comes much more easily.

So let’s clear up some misunderstandings and talk about how to get better at flirting.

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