Communication Archives - Page 2 of 12

Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do I Get Comfortable Talking About Sex?

May 19, 2017 by Dr. NerdLove 60 Comments

Hey Dr. NerdLove,

I’m a 21 year old guy from the UK and I’ve been reading your site for about a year and a half. During that time I’m happy to say I’ve made some great improvements to my life; I’ve become conscious about my diet and started working out with a friend, have been building my confidence and have started dressing much better than ever. Unfortunately, I’ve hit a wall with women because I’m not comfortable talking about sexual subjects. At all. With anyone. I even find it difficult to talk about hot celebrities with my guy friends, that’s how bad we’re talking. I should be specific here and point out that I’m not (to the best of my knowledge) insecure about my sexuality. I used to be but after reading up and becoming more educated I’ve grown comfortable and believe, as far as mentality goes, I’m secure in my sexuality, I don’t find myself worried about any thoughts or fantasies I have and hearing other people talk about sex doesn’t make me feel uncomfortable, it’s strictly me voicing opinions and thoughts that I struggle with.

For some context I was generally a loner when I grew up, I’m an introvert so I’ve always been the most comfortable in my own imagination. In primary school I only really had about three friends and my best friend had autism (I don’t hold that against him, he’s a great guy) so it wasn’t really much of a talkative social group to grow up in. At high school I had it pretty rough, I was bullied a great deal by a great many people, both the usual variety, and stuff like girls fake flirting/touching me because they knew it would make me uncomfortable. I should also point out I was a late bloomer puberty wise, I only really started getting interested in girls when I was 14, and most of my friends started at around 12, so I was mostly alone in the dark when they started talking about the girls in class. I eventually fell in with a new group of friends after a few years but by then I already had a pretty toxic personality, I’d decided that crushing any thoughts or feelings I had was better for me given how I’d been treated. I used to hate seeing other guys stress or worry about impressing girls and thought I was superior for rising above that and being alone, even when I had a fairly well known crush on one of the girls in class.

Needless to say this resulted in me never really getting comfortable talking about sex or girls, and now even though I’m making real progress with other aspects of my life this hang up is a real problem. It is impossible for me to flirt or even give a compliment to a girl, and I don’t know what to do. I’ve considered online dating but I think this will just cut out the approaching angle and leave me unable to flirt or be sexual on a date, after all how am I supposed to be flirtatious with a girl when I feel awkward telling my friends how hot Emilia Clarke is? So, any advice to help me build my comfort and ease myself into talking about sex? I’d appreciate any help or advice you had.

Thanks,

Talking Bad

[Read more…]

Paging Dr. NerdLove Episode #29 – How To Talk So People Will Listen

May 18, 2017 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Living an interesting life is makes you a more interesting, attractive person, but you need to be able to share those experiences. And that means knowing how to convey them in ways that keep people interested. We’ve all encountered people who are in love with the sound of their own voice and talk endlessly or who insist on dominating the entire conversation and don’t let other people get a word in edgewise. These people end up boring or alienating their audience.

Whether you’re talking to one person or a group, you want to be sure that when you talk, people will want to listen.

Show Highlights:

The key to keeping people listening to you: being a good listener yourself.
The importance of using your voice effectively when you talk.
How facial expressions and tonality can change the meaning of what you say and keep people engaged.
How to make even the most boring subject fascinating.
Why you need to tailor your stories to your audience

…and so much more.

Related Links:

Networking For Beginners

The Power of Expressiveness

5 Different Ways To Boost Your Charisma

How To Be Funny

Mission Impossible 3 – Traffic Engineer Scene

Don’t forget to subscribe and review us on iTunes and on Stitcher.

Want more dating advice? Check out my books at www.www.doctornerdlove.com/books

The Art of Sexting (Without Being A Creeper)

April 3, 2017 by Dr. NerdLove 110 Comments

Sexting tends to get a bad rap. When we hear about sexting, it tends to be in the context of politicians cheating on their spouses or randos trying to slide into a woman’s DMs like…

“‘sup” is the Silver Surfer to the dick-pic’s Galactus…

But despite the negative buzz, sexting is a valuable form of flirting with the people you’re dating. More powerful than passively consuming porn, sexting has a powerful erotic charge – the tantalizing buzz of doing something naughty and the electric thrill of a game of risqué escalation. It turns flirting into foreplay and can help keep the spark alive in a long-term relationship.

Of course, the problem is, if you do it wrong, it’s cringe-inducing and awkward. If you want to kick your flirtation up to the next level, you want to learn how to initiate and carry on a fun, seductive chat like a master.

[Read more…]

Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do I Overcome The Bitterness?

February 10, 2017 by Dr. NerdLove 280 Comments

Doc, I’ll get to the point: I feel like a loser.

In addition to student loans, a bad credit score, not being able to drive properly, living with my overbearing mother, I’m bitter over being single and rejected.

Yeah I know its my fault. I’m almost 23 and Ive never had a girlfriend. I was fat and had self esteem issues and mostly didn’t care in high school so I didn’t start asking out girls till late in college. One girl from HS, I told her on Facebook I had a crush on her, she blocked me. Three years ago I asked out this girl I had a crush on in college but I asked her out over email, then in person, got the I’m busy, I didn’t know till later that “busy” means no.

I tried to stay friendly with her on Facebook she blocked me. I tried to confront her she tells me don’t talk to her.

I admit I needed better game, I could have dressed better, should have been slimmer, probably creeped her out but I went through 5 stages of grief with ongoing periods or regret, resentment and bitterness.

As selfish as it sounds, I was angry because I felt like my feelings didn’t matter. And of course they didn’t, she had the right to say no and I had the right to ask. But I still felt like a loser.

Since then I have asked out and have been rejected by at least 370 women, if you include computer dating maybe 410 and I have had 6 coffee dates. But the rejection from this girl from college still weighs on me.

I had to see her every day at school, my heart and my stomach would ache, I saw how she’d avoid me when I walked into a room. I saw the guy she was dating (and is now married to); I don’t know him personally but he is about an inch or two taller than me (Im 6ft 4) and he actually looks sort of looks like me.

Sometimes I felt so angry I felt like beating her up (thought); other times I would stew over this and everything else. Sometimes I’ve thought about suicide. No, I’m not suicidal, Im just angry.

I already know dwelling on the past won’t help, nothing I do will change anything that happened yesterday, I shouldn’t be a victim since I’m free and educated and able bodied, but it just feels like all my efforts to change go in vain. I work out, lost weight, I travel, I even went to France to get a Master’s degree and met people abroad. But Im still the same bitter, depressed angry person that hates his life. Even though I lost 100 pounds I feel worse now than ever before.

How do I break this cycle?

Rage Lantern

[Read more…]

Can Consent Be Sexy?

January 23, 2017 by Dr. NerdLove 175 Comments

“I think it’s ridiculous to ask your sexual partner for consent every 6 seconds.”

I had this discussion thread on Twitter forwarded to me recently. It’s part and parcel of what happens whenever the idea of consent is brought up on social media. Whenever we talk about the concept of enthusiastic consent – that is, getting a definitive “yes” for sexual activity – there will always be an argument. There is inevitably someone who will complain about the burden. It’s portrayed as needless “social justice” interference, sucking the joy out of sex and not in the fun way. After all, who could sustain the mood when you have to keep asking permission to do anything? Why should someone ask if they can kiss someone and if they can touch their chest and if they can undo their belt?

Negotiations broke down at the third “can I kiss your neck” clause once everyone realized they were too damn bored.

At the same time, most of the talk about getting consent focuses on clarity and the necessity rather than the method. In fact, trying to make asking for consent more appealing can get no small amount of pushback.

And while it’s undeniably true that consent is required, the idea that asking is a stumbling block persists. It’s not really enough to say “well… tough” when people are legitimately worried about not knowing how to ask. It’s an ongoing failure in sex education.We may get a basic anatomy lesson, but we get nothing on how to talk about sex.

So consent may be required… but for every step? Does asking ruin the mood, or can consent be sexy?

[Read more…]