Hey Dr. NerdLove,
I’m a 21 year old guy from the UK and I’ve been reading your site for about a year and a half. During that time I’m happy to say I’ve made some great improvements to my life; I’ve become conscious about my diet and started working out with a friend, have been building my confidence and have started dressing much better than ever. Unfortunately, I’ve hit a wall with women because I’m not comfortable talking about sexual subjects. At all. With anyone. I even find it difficult to talk about hot celebrities with my guy friends, that’s how bad we’re talking. I should be specific here and point out that I’m not (to the best of my knowledge) insecure about my sexuality. I used to be but after reading up and becoming more educated I’ve grown comfortable and believe, as far as mentality goes, I’m secure in my sexuality, I don’t find myself worried about any thoughts or fantasies I have and hearing other people talk about sex doesn’t make me feel uncomfortable, it’s strictly me voicing opinions and thoughts that I struggle with.
For some context I was generally a loner when I grew up, I’m an introvert so I’ve always been the most comfortable in my own imagination. In primary school I only really had about three friends and my best friend had autism (I don’t hold that against him, he’s a great guy) so it wasn’t really much of a talkative social group to grow up in. At high school I had it pretty rough, I was bullied a great deal by a great many people, both the usual variety, and stuff like girls fake flirting/touching me because they knew it would make me uncomfortable. I should also point out I was a late bloomer puberty wise, I only really started getting interested in girls when I was 14, and most of my friends started at around 12, so I was mostly alone in the dark when they started talking about the girls in class. I eventually fell in with a new group of friends after a few years but by then I already had a pretty toxic personality, I’d decided that crushing any thoughts or feelings I had was better for me given how I’d been treated. I used to hate seeing other guys stress or worry about impressing girls and thought I was superior for rising above that and being alone, even when I had a fairly well known crush on one of the girls in class.
Needless to say this resulted in me never really getting comfortable talking about sex or girls, and now even though I’m making real progress with other aspects of my life this hang up is a real problem. It is impossible for me to flirt or even give a compliment to a girl, and I don’t know what to do. I’ve considered online dating but I think this will just cut out the approaching angle and leave me unable to flirt or be sexual on a date, after all how am I supposed to be flirtatious with a girl when I feel awkward telling my friends how hot Emilia Clarke is? So, any advice to help me build my comfort and ease myself into talking about sex? I’d appreciate any help or advice you had.