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How To Build Stronger Friendships

May 18, 2022 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Let’s talk about memes for a second. I promise, this will all make sense, so stick with me.

For all that folks make oddly big deals out of memes, “meme magic” and and the like, I’ve found that they’re an interesting source of insight. I mean, part of why I got my ADHD diagnosis was because friends would share random “ADHD life is like…” memes and I realized that they were entirely too relatable. By a similar token, I’ve found that memes can be a reliable – and surprisingly accurate – way of reading the general mood of your community.

You likely have seen this to one degree or another; you see your friends and follows sharing memes and image macros that all fit a particular theme. The details or the specific formats may change, but they all address a similar topic or mood that clearly strike a chord amongst the community. In a real way, these serve as a form of… call it “safe” vulnerability. People are sharing their feelings about something that’s affecting them, but behind a sort of veil of irony that makes it acceptable. You may not want to talk about your frustrations with your family or your complex feelings about your mental health with your friends, but you can reveal your true feelings in a two-panel Office gag as a way of opening up instead. And, in the process, you’ll often discover that you’re not alone.

Now, I bring all this up because of how often I see variations of this go around on my social networks:

Two panel meme of Jim from The Office pointing at a whiteboard. Top text: Sometimes I feel bad for not checking in witgh people to see how they are doing." Second panel reads: "UIntil I realize phones work both ways and no-one is checking in on me"
There’s a PhD candidate who’s writing a dissertation on memes as pictographic language as we speak…

We’ve been living in an epidemic of loneliness for decades now; in fact, it’s something that many of my coaching clients complain about. Many, many people feel lost, isolated and alone, with few (if any) people they could turn to. However, the pandemic has taken that sense of isolation and turned it up to 11. Lockdowns, quarantines and the fear of catching or spreading COVID meant that almost all of us were cut off from our social circles for a year or longer. While the lockdowns ended and vaccines and treatments helped many feel more comfortable coming back to the world, we all looked around and realized how much our social connections had suffered.

That’s not hyperbole. A 2021 survey from the Survey Center on American Life revealed that 47% of Americans lost touch with many of their friends, while nearly 10% lost touch with almost all of them. That alone is significant. However, the survey also revealed that the number of Americans who report having no close friends quadrupled – from 3% in 1991 to 12% in 2021. That’s a horrible thing to realize… and worse, we often don’t know what to do about it.

It sounds odd to discuss a decline in close friendships as a crisis, but the label fits. Social isolation and chronic loneliness is as dangerous to our health as smoking. However, we can’t make up the difference just by throwing warm bodies at the problem. As it turns out, “ambivalent” friendships are bad for your health too. The loneliness crisis is about having close friends, people you can rely on and turn to for support.

This is why the answer isn’t just about making more friends, it’s about building strong friendships. Quantity may have a quality of its own, but the quality of our friendships is far more important than overall numbers. So let’s talk about how to build stronger, more intimate and fulfilling relationships with your friends.

[Read more…]

How Do I Tell Someone I Don’t Want To Be Friends?

February 7, 2022 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Doc-

This isn’t concerning dating, but I think you could offer some perspective. I (a man) have an acquaintance who is pushing pretty hard to become more than that, let’s call him Jerry, who I know because we attend the same religious service. Our relationship there hasn’t been deep – say hi, what’s new, mostly brief, polite small talk – not really a relationship outside of that particular setting. To me that’s fine. Jerry, though, seems determined that we need to be best buds. He often wants to meet up and chat for extended periods of time (up to hours), will call me, and then without fail text me and message me on social media for extra measure if I don’t pick up.

From my point of view, we are acquaintances and don’t have a lot in common. I’ve known him for a few years, and I honestly figure that if we were going to “click,” it would have happened by now. I have no negativity toward him, but also don’t see a basis for a deeper connection. So what happens is that every few months, he wears me down and we have a phone chat or meet for lunch, but it’s always very forced and awkward, and I’m frankly almost glad when it’s over. When we do talk/meet, he insists that we talk about personal things (for example, he likes to share about his porn viewing habits and presses me to do the same, or asks about the sexual aspects of my relationship with my significant other). Honestly though, I’d still feel the same way if we were discussing more normal things.

Jerry says that his interest in our relationship is from a “mentoring” perspective, and to hear him tell it, he “mentors many other young men.” For one thing though, we aren’t very different in age (me in my mid thirties and him in his forties). And also, if he supposedly has these other relationships, why the insistence when it comes to me? Although, I sometimes wonder if he’s being completely accurate when he talks about this other “mentoring,” as well as about other things. I don’t think he’s outright making up lies, but I get the sense that he may be trying to present a particular picture of himself, if that makes sense. There are just other weird things as well, like he won’t text me an address to meet at in advance, he insists I wait until I’m on the way and then call him on the phone to get the info on where to go verbally.

I have been giving him every hint- I don’t answer when he calls, don’t rush to call or message him back, give reasons I can’t meet, and as said before, things are awkward when we do meet – some of which is due to me being a pretty heavy introvert, but also because of the factors I’ve already stated.

For what it’s worth, I do acknowledge that Jerry could be somewhat of a lonely person… He has a physical disability, lives alone, and has struggled to find work. Emphasis on “could be”  –  see the comment on him trying to give off a particular impression, so who knows.

So here’s the dilemma – I’m going to continue to see Jerry at the religious service, because it is the only one in my city for my particular belief. So do I suffer through a forced meetup every couple of months to maintain a peaceful relationship, or do I tell him that I’m just not that into him? And how best to do so? What I fear may happen is that he would look at the personal things I shared with him and feel like I was taking advantage of his openness in some way- but the reality is that I only shared personal things because he pressed me to, so they were for his benefit and not for mine.

I truly have no ill will toward him, but I just don’t feel closeness with him and think we work best as acquaintances. I have been on the receiving end of the “let’s keep our relationship in X group or context” conversation before, so I’ve experienced that it stinks when someone doesn’t want to be as close of friends as you do, but I’ve also experienced that you have to view those things objectively rather than as an absolute negative, and not dwell on it or try to force it.

A true thank you for any advice.
Give It A Rest

[Read more…]

How Do I Stop Being Angry About My Relationships?

October 29, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Doc,

So long story short I am a single guy approaching 30, never been in a relationship and only went out like 2 dates in my entire life. This all boils down to this major issue.

Basically my brother has been in a toxic relationship for as long as I can remember and this relationship has left scars on my self esteem. He is 35 years old, he has been with her since he was 18 years old and she was 14 years old at the time {they are married now with a daughter of 6 months). His wife is a gold digging materialistic manipulator, has never worked a job for more than a couple of months and constantly picks arguments with my parents over bullshit issues. She always requests either myself or my parents to do favours for her and then she literally kicks our asses to the curb afterwards (and my brother does not utter a word of protest that his family members are being treated like dog shit). My brother spent Euro 80,000 on their wedding without her paying a single fucking dime and she only found a job recently so that ” my brother will shut the fuck up about their depleted finances already”.

The issue here is that all my life I have been struggling to try and find a partner and settle down because this always keeps cropping up in my mind… I don’t want to end up like my brother. Mind you my parents constantly keep reminding me to not let this situation effect my opinions on relationships and women because there are awesome women out there who are career oriented and just want a loving partner to come home to.

And also another thing I have been getting into the habit where whenever I start thinking about relationships and women, I start to get really pissed off, angry and frustrated and that having a relationship will set me back in my life. Part of me says its all in my head and that I am overthinking this however I still fall back in the cycle of negativity and bad thoughts.

Any ideas on how to fix this please? I am going to admit, I might be wrong and the above scenario has nothing to do with me however I appreciate a second pair of eyes on this.

Thanks for your help.

Anger Issues

[Read more…]

Did I Ruin My Best Friend’s Relationship?

October 20, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove: 

I need help with a tricky situation.

We’re going to call my best friend Noel. Noel is a heterosexual woman, and I’m a heterosexual man, and we’re roommates. People think we’re a couple, and they have good reason to. We do everything together–dinner every night, coffee in the morning, tennis lessons, walking a mile to the Post Office whenever one of us needs to mail a package, etc. We have made plans for our future together. Whenever I see a Tumblr post about how friendships should be assigned as much value as romantic relationships, I feel like they’re talking about us.

You’re probably thinking this is the part where I want to confess my love to her, but nothing could be further from the truth. I have no feelings for her whatsoever. We click alarmingly well, we share a sense of humor and two cats, and she’s really cute, but I don’t get butterflies in my stomach whenever I see her or anything like that. I doubt she’s into me either (I’m not her type, and I’m a lot older than her).

She doesn’t have relationships with men that last longer than a night, and even those went away with the threat of COVID-19, but she did try about a year ago. This guy really did not like me. He was nothing short of cordial to me, but you can just tell. I tried to be social and engaging whenever he came around (which is especially hard when you’re a four-alarm introvert like I am), and I did find him interesting. The reason their relationship ended was because she had no time for him; meanwhile she had time to hang out and watch movies with me or for us to go on long walks or visit friends in a neighboring city.

Did they break up because of me? Probably not—she had set boundaries, and he crossed them too many times. But I will bet money that I did not help. I know she wants to get married and maybe have kids. And I fear that she will never get there if I’m in the picture. I mentioned her recent ex to a friend of mine, who stated that if she were dating me, Noel would absolutely be a problem. And now that she’s started dating again, where does that leave me? I’m not concerned that she won’t prioritize me anymore if she finds a guy who works, I’m worried that she will.

tl;dr: I’m worried that I’m going to make someone jealous and interfere with my best friend’s love life. I’m worried that the nature of our relationship will be discouraging to men she might be interested in. On the other side of that, I’m worried that, if she does find what she’s looking for, I won’t have a best friend anymore, and since I’m not interested in looking for romance, I’ll be alone.

Tell me, Doc, is it serious? Am I sitting around and freaking out over a problem that isn’t there? Is this relationship only fulfilling a need that she’d rather have fulfilled with someone she can have naked sweaty times with? Or will we remain besties until the end of time? Tell me I’m overthinking this, please. Thank you.

BFF

[Read more…]

These Are Things You Only Learn When Your Friend Dies

November 11, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

This was the exact sort of update I never wanted to write.

Back in 2017, I wrote “What Nobody Tells You About Grieving“as a way of dealing with feelings of losing a beloved pet and all the things it brought out about losing my father and grandmother over the years. At the time, it felt like it was going to be the last thing I needed to say about grief for a while.

And then it wasn’t.

It’s not an exaggeration to say that this year has been a shit-show for everyone. Between the pandemic, the lockdown and the election, 2020 has felt like chaos personified. But for all of the stress, headache, heartache and confusion… I’d been one of the lucky ones. I’ve been in a privileged position where things were tough, but I wasn’t at risk of losing my job or my home. I hadn’t lost family members to the QAnon cult. While some of my extended family were Trump voters, things hadn’t devolved so far that it felt like things were hopeless or that there wasn’t a way back for them. And while COVID touched friends and family members, I had been lucky enough that nobody had died from it. While some friends were and are dealing with the long-haul effects of COVID-19, I have been blessed with the fortune of not having lost loved-ones. While there were losses and we all had to learn how to deal with funerals at a time when it simply wasn’t and isn’t safe to go… there was some comfort in that they were losses that were a long time coming. Something that you could prepare for, something that you would functionally mourn in advance, even if you couldn’t be there with your friends to support them or receive support.

And then things started to seem like they were turning around. On Friday, it was starting to become clear that the nightmare of the Trump presidency was coming to an end. On Saturday, it was official: the election was over and Biden had won. On Sunday, we were going to have a small celebration with members of our family by choice, friends who were part of our quarantine pod. This was an important thing for us, especially as some of our friends in this group had to disown their biological family for their toxicity and hate.

And then I got the phone call. My friend Bert Belasco had died suddenly and without warning. He had been found dead in his hotel room in Virginia, where he had been quarantining while waiting for production to start on his new series.

Credit: TMZ

As I write this, we still don’t know for sure what the cause of death was; the best guess is an aneurysm, but we still don’t have any answers.  All I know is that 2020 reached out with one last suckerpunch on the way out the door and my world turned upside down.

And so now I’m sitting here, trying to process my feelings in public. I want to say that I’m doing this because I feel that it’s important to talk about loss and grief. That we’ve all shared in this monumental loss, as more than 200,000 Americans have died during this pandemic.

But if I’m being honest, it’s because right now I’m in a lot of pain. Someone great left us and I want people to know about it, damn it.

[Read more…]

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About Dr. NerdLove:

Harris O'Malley (AKA Dr. NerdLove) is an internationally recognized blogger and dating coach who gives dating advice to geeks of all stripes. Making nerds sexier since 20011

Remember: Dr. NerdLove is not really a doctor. [Read More …]

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