It’s a new year, which means that we’re in the midst of a veritable swarm of “new year/new you” pledges, think-pieces, think-pieces arguing against the previous think-pieces and — of course — a hell of a lot of “Make These 10 Resolutions For A Bright New Year” listicles and slideshows.
Now, I’m famously skeptical about the value of New Year’s resolutions. I find most of them to be less “resolutions” and more wishing that the changing of the year meant you magically became the sort of person who would do all the things you neglected to do last year. This, in fact, is the exact reason why most New Years Resolutions fail: because the people making them haven’t changed the reasons why they didn’t fulfill those resolutions last time. More often than not, the issue is very simple: that they keep getting in their own way.
This is rarely more true than when it comes to dating.
There’s a concept known as “inner game” — the idea that you can succeed or fail at something in your mind before you do it in reality. The concept of “inner game”, which originated in sports psychology in the ’70s, is that our minds have more control over our success than our physical skill does. If we allow our self-doubt, our insecurities and negative mindsets free rein, then we end up sabotaging our own performance. On the other hand, if we master that “inner game” and learn to trust ourselves, we find that things flow much more smoothly — almost without conscious effort.
Gaining control over that inner game means that we let go of judgement, of criticism and doubt. In doing so, we don’t berate ourselves for our failures or overanalyze our every action. We’re better able to let things just be, to see the result we want and move towards it. It means that we’re allowing ourselves to trust that we’re capable of success.
The problem is: most people tend to lose their inner game. They hang onto old failures and beliefs that damages their confidence. They cling to stubborn self-judgment, criticism and old wounds, clouding their minds with doubt and sabotaging their potential. And despite their best efforts to improve via brute force… they often find themselves stuck right where they started.
Not surprisingly, this leaves folks feeling frustrated and defeated, even angry. You’ve likely felt this way yourself. You’ve tried your hardest to change and still failed; clearly the flaw must be deep inside of you.
And it is.
However, the problem isn’t that you’re horribly flawed or fundamentally unlovable. It’s in the way you let your jerkbrain rule you, throwing your inner game like Floyd Mayweather boxing a YouTuber to a “draw”. You are, in a very real sense, getting in your own way, tripping over past failures and traumas. And until you clear those away, you’re going to continue sabotaging your own progress.
If you want to build the incredible new life you’ve been dreaming of, the first thing you need is to clear out the detritus of the past to make room for a new and grander future. Clearing the brush of the self-limiting beliefs. A cleanse for the soul for the new year, if you will. So if you want to make 2022 the year that you turn your love life around, it’s time to make a break with the past and build the foundation for your new, incredible life.