Love, Sex and Dating For The Modern Nerd
Hey Doc,
I’m in a position where at some point soon, I’m going have to move far away due to work. As a result, I can’t really be in a relationship. However, I still want to have sex, so I’m looking for friends with benefits arrangements. I have explicitly stated in my OKC and Tinder profiles that that’s what I want, but I have no idea how to do more than that. How would I even bring up the idea without being seen as creepy?
No Strings On Me
Recently, we’ve been talking about toxic masculinity and all of the ways that it damages men on the individual level and society on the whole. One of the enduring questions is: so what do we do about it.
Part of the way we start end the damage that toxic masculinity does and help heal some of the pain is to talk openly and honestly about some of the issues that come bundled in the toxic masculinity package. And one of the biggest issues is the topic of sex – especially how it affects men who aren’t having it.
A lot of people – men and women both – feel ashamed of being virgins, and honestly, the way we treat virginity is profoundly fucked up. And it can be especially troubling for male virgins because there’s a lot of cultural bullshit caught up in masculine identity and sexuality. Sex is a core component of toxic masculinity; your value and measure of a man is in how much sex you have and how often you have it. If you haven’t had any… well, are you really a man at all?
It’s time to talk about the shame, the stigma and the frustration that comes from being a virgin when you don’t want to be.
Show Highlights:
…and so much more
Related Links:
The 20, 30 and 40 Year Old Virgin
The “Problem” With Male Virginity
The Virgin’s Guide To Great Sex
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Like the podcast? Become a Dr. NerdLove patron at Patreon.com/DrNerdLove
Want more dating advice? Check out my books at www.www.doctornerdlove.com/books
I see we’re not done talking about incels.
After Alek Minassian’s deadly attack on innocents in Toronto, scores of people decided to share their hot takes about how to “handle” the incel problem. Of course: like as not, the “problem” they focused on was that incels were angry virgins instead of the hate and misogyny that was radicalizing young men.
Worse, the solution wasn’t to deal with the anger, but to deal with the virginity.
Never was the absurdity of this argument more visible than when economist Robin Hansen attempted to equate being a virgin to financial inequality – leading many to wonder just what the absolute fuck was wrong with him.
(Considering that Hansen has described infidelity as being akin or worse to rape and that maybe women who cuckold their husbands should be tortured – but don’t quote him on that – the answer is evidently “a lot.”)
Now, one might be forgiven for thinking, as I did, that most people would recognize the idea that maybe we should ask women to “take one for the team” in the name of preventing future attacks is both idiotic on its face and disgusting to boot. Sure, someone at The Federalist was undoubtedly limbering up their hands to produce their next hot take but c’mon. It’s The Federalist.
This, of course, was like daring the universe to prove me wrong. I may as well have stood on a mountain and declared that God has shitty aim.
On Wednesday, I was coming back from a lovely trip to the UK to see friends. After a nine hour enforced vacation from the Internet, I turn on my phone to discover that New York Times contributor Ross Douthat picked up the Baton of Stupid Arguments and ran with it.
So we need to talk about just what’s so mind-bogglingly wrong with the argument that the problem with incels is some sort of “sexual inequality.”
When Alek Minnasian drove his van into groups of pedestrians, the world went looking for answers. A post on his personal Facebook page – one where Minnassian referred to incels, the Incel Rebellion and hailing “Supreme Gentleman Elliot Roger – seemed almost too perfect.
After all, 4chan boards like /pol/ have a long history of spreading hoaxes and misinformation after every recent tragedy and mass shooting. Faking a post – or an entire Facebook profile – for someone accused of the crime is well within the typical modus operandi of such groups.
Facebook confirmed that the post was real. Subsequent investigations found that Minassian was indeed part of the incel (short for “involuntarily celibate”) community – like Elliot Roger and Chris Harper-Mercer before him – and his rage led him to commit atrocities against innocents.
Since then, the media has been falling over themselves to discuss the incel community – who they are, what the existence of the incel community means for men, what drives them to such lengths, and so on. Many people have been asking what we can – or should – do about them.
The problem is: too many people are asking the wrong questions. We let ourselves get distracted, taking the name and their self-description at face value and, as a result, miss the real issue underneath.
The question of “how do I get out of The Friend Zone” is among the top Google searches out there when it comes to relationship advice. The idea of the Friend Zone as a sort of dating Stalag-17 has driven more people into the Pick Up and Red Pill community than almost any other topic.
For a lot of guys, the Friend Zone is the ultimate expression of the dating binary: you’re good with women or you aren’t, and there’s nothing that you can do about it.
So this week: there’s no BS, no snake oil and no creepy, manipulative tactics. Just everything you need to know about why you’re in The Friend Zone… and how to get out of it.
Show Highlights:
…and so much more
Related Links:
How To Get Out of The Friend Zone (Without Losing Your Friend)
Why Men and Women Can Never Be Friends is Bullshit
Anatomy Lesson: How I Left The Friend Zone
Don’t forget to subscribe and review us on iTunes , Stitcher and on YouTube.
Like the podcast? Consider becoming a Dr. NerdLove patron at Patreon.com/DrNerdLove
Want more dating advice? Check out my books at www.www.doctornerdlove.com/books
