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Can We Learn How To Date from Games?

March 28, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey NerdLovers: I’m right in the middle of moving into the new office/studio, which means that there isn’t going to be a new podcast this week. But I don’t want to leave you all hanging, which is why I’m going to do something special. This Sunday, I’ll be doing a livestream hangout on YouTube, finishing up a bit more of the infamous Super Seducer game, taking some live questions and having a good time. Stream starts at 5 and will probably go until 7-ish. Come, bring your questions, bring your snark for Super Seducer. Be there or… be somewhere else, I’m not your manager. Follow me on Twitter for all the latest updates.

Meanwhile, you can see the first couple hours of the (ahem) experience:

Happy Valentine’s Day from Dr. NerdLove!

February 14, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey NerdLovers, Valentine’s Day is upon us. And regardless of whether you love it or hate it… well, I have some ideas for you.

If you love beautiful, funny and touching stories about love, sex and relationships, from geeks of all stripes, then may I suggest that you head to your local bookstore and pick up a copy of The Secret Loves of Geeks, with stories, art and essays from people like Patrick Rothfuss, Gerard Way, Kristen Bruun, Margaret Atwood and, er… me.

(Look, this may be the only time I’m on the same project as folks like Rothfuss and Atwood so go check it out!)

If you want to see a guy who’s unlucky in love go to war with the very concept of Valentine’s Day, then I would suggest that you go to your local comic store and pick up a copy of The Death of Love #1 by Justin Jordan and Donal DeLay. It’s the story of boy meets girl, boy takes red pill, boy sees cupids, boy meets chainsaw. Chaos ensues.

Oh and did I mention I have an essay in this too? 

Regardless of how you feel about the holiday, either or both of these will put a smile on your face and a spring in your step (and incidentally, make me look good too). So go check them out.

And if you’re in the Austin area, come to Austin Books and Comics on February 21, where I’ll be part of a world-wide signing for The Secret Loves of Geeks! Be there… or be somewhere else. I dunno, I’m not your supervisor.

No, Micro-Cheating Isn’t A Thing

January 15, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove 171 Comments

Every day it seems as though there’s a new “trend” in the world of dating that’s meant to panic us all. Whether it’s “cuffing season”, “backburnering”, “roaching”1 or some other cutesy Millennial-sounding name, there’s a flurry of articles to tell us all to watch out for it. And now there’s “micro-cheating”.

I was blissfully unaware of this current concept until Friday. That was when, as so often happens, my friends decided that evidently I don’t have enough rage in my life. But hey, I wouldn’t be doing my job if I didn’t at least brush up on the latest dating panics.

After reading a series of articles from Buzzfeed, Thought Catalog2, Business Insider, and more… well…

I feel a column coming on

Needless to say, I have some opinions on the concept of “micro-cheating”. And why, specifically, it’s bullshit.

Let’s begin, shall we?

What, Exactly, Is Micro-Cheating?

One of the important questions in any relationship is, simply, what have we promised to one another? For a monogamous couple, the line is fairly simple: they’ve agreed that they won’t have sex or engage in sexual activity with other people. Now, what precisely “counts” as cheating can vary – for some, it’s kissing, for others it requires the exchange of bodily fluids – but the lines are relatively clear cut. The idea of “emotional” cheating is… less so. In fact, many people would question whether emotional cheating is even a thing. But while we can dicker over whether it’s possible to have an “emotional affair”, sometimes the way we interact with other people can cause our partners distress.

But then we have “micro-cheating”.

Dating expert Melanie Shilling told Huffington Post Australia that mirco-cheating is “a series of seemingly small actions that indicate a person is emotionally or physically focused on someone outside their relationship.” And what would micro-cheating entail?

According to Shilling, one example would be texting someone outside your relationship or giving them compliments that you don’t give your partner. Other examples include commemorating anniversaries or memories with your ex, shutting chat windows when your partner enters the room, spending too much time on your phone on a date, or sending too many heart emojis when you text someone.

Being aware that other women exist? Totally micro-cheating.

Did you have a business meeting with someone of the opposite sex3 and not get any business done? Micro-cheating, according to Shilling.

Shilling is hardly the first to use the term micro-cheating. In the article 33 Ways Your Boyfriend Is Micro-Cheating (And Totally Getting Away With It), other examples include:

  • Reaching out to a girl who’s “just a friend” for a recommendation or advice on an issue he could easily Google the answer to
  • Confiding in or venting to someone other than his girlfriend when he’s feeling especially emotional
  • Recommending that his girlfriend starts wearing a certain type of clothing because he secretly wants her to look like the girl he’s kind of crushing on.
  • Gifting his girlfriend with a bottle of the perfume his crush wears so she’ll smell like his latest fantasy chick.
  • Closing his eyes when he needs a minute to escape and daydreaming about the girl he’s crushing on
  • Sending a photo to an ex that reminds him of a good time past
  • Establishing secret code words and/or inside jokes with women outside his romantic relationship

Needless to say, micro-cheating seems to be an epidemic, causing untold trauma to unsuspecting innocents as their lothario partners… interact with people outside their relationships like emotionally mature human beings?

This? This right here is why Daddy drinks.

“Stand aside NerdLove, this is a job for Doctor Whisky.”

This Is How To Be A Human

OK, let’s be real here. This is, to use the technical term, mindfuckingly absurd. It’s one thing to argue that emotional infidelity exists in the first place. It’s another entirely to pathologize normal behavior in a way that needlessly stokes the fires of insecurity and anxiety. The idea that someone can not only be cheating on you, but possibly cheating on you without realizing it is so far into the waters of what-the-fuckery that sanity is only a speck on the horizon. To be blunt, this reads less like the behaviors of a cheating partner and the ravings of someone who’s convinced that their partner is banging telepaths whenever they close their eyes.

They’re out there you know. And they’re horny.

99.9% of the behaviors listed are quite literally basic human interaction with friends. The remainder is so baroque that I’m left wondering if it was borrowed from a bad telenovela.

“…are…. are the monogamists ok?”

Take Shilling’s example of reaching out to an ex about an anniversary or some other significant event. To some, this might be seen as a sign of putting an ex ahead of your partner. Others might recognize this as “being a friend”. Ending a relationship doesn’t mean that you hate your ex, nor does it mean your entire relationship gets the damnatio memoriae. The fact that you have fond memories of your time together doesn’t mean you don’t care for your partner, any more than being nostalgia means you don’t care for your life now.

Do they close their laptop when someone comes in the room? They could be having steamy cybersex… or they could want to give their partner their full attention. Or they may just hate it when people read over their shoulder. They could be planning a surprise. Or their partner could, y’know, be irrationally jealous and they don’t feel like having a fight right now.

Did they have a meeting with someone of the opposite sex where no “business” got done? Have you been to business meetings, AKA where productivity goes to die?

Reaching out to a friend instead of Googling the answer? Google can do many things, but it can’t provide context. It can’t understand your needs based on knowing your particular circumstances. Or you may simply trust that friend over anonymous users on Reddit.

Are they using heart emojis in Facebook comments to people? That is, literally, how people communicate these days. Unicode hearts isn’t any more of an indicator that you’re giving your love to someone else any more than the barf emoji means you have food poisoning right now.

They have inside jokes with people? Friendship.

They confide with someone who’s not their partner? Friendship.

Giving a unique compliment to another person? Friendship.

Now, encouraging your partner to wear clothes or perfume that another person wears is weird… but quite frankly, the standards raised here are so questionable that I’m left wondering whether we can trust the interpretation of someone who seems to blare “Before He Cheats” 24/7 and Googles “undetectable keylogger” for fun. These are the declarations of someone who could take the silver in existential paranoia and the bronze in manipulative motherfucker.

And while it’s inarguable that secrecy and sketchy behavior can be signs of ill intent, there’s another, more sinister side to these “signs” of incipient infidelity.

Thou Shalt Have No Privacy Before Me

If there’s one common denominator with many of the signs of “micro-cheating” it’s this: you’re spending time with anyone other than your partner. Your partner is your alpha. Your partner is omega. They are all things and all people to you and to ignore this sacred bond is the crime that can never be forgiven.

In and of itself, this is the material of Overly Obsessed Girlfriend memes.

No but for real, these are kinda gross.

However, the underlying theme of these “micro-cheating” expressions is one of isolation and control. The idea that you don’t have any secrets from your partner, for example, is disturbing. How dare you not let your partner see what you’re writing. What kind of monster wouldn’t let his or her snugglebunny have access to every corner of their life? Only a cheating bastard would, duh! After all, if you’ve done nothing wrong, you’ve got nothing to fear.

The desire for privacy – for a corner of your life that you don’t share – becomes cause for suspicion. Even your thoughts become suspect; are you taking a moment to daydream about something else? Cheater.

Just as disturbing is the theme of isolation. Reaching out to another friend is, likewise, a sign that you’re undermining your relationship. Having shared jokes, private conversations or even reminiscing over your past together is “putting your partner in second place.” Any relationship with someone becomes taboo because of the potential for micro-cheating. Did that business lunch last too long? Is he making too many calls about “work” for the actual amount of work done? Is he looking too long at another woman? Why did he send that link to her? Why did he laugh like that her joke. Is he too complimentary of her? Is he not complimentary enough?

As absurd and over the top these accusations sound, to many people, they’re distressingly familiar. It’s not a laughable way to put the fun in dysfunctional, it’s a flashback.

See, the behavior encouraged by the concept of “micro-cheating” mirrors classic abusive behavior.

  • Isolating you from your friends? Check.
  • Keeping tabs on who you talk to, who you spend time with, even who you message on Facebook? Check.
  • Demanding access to your emails and text messages? Check.
  • Constantly accusing you of “cheating” on them? Double-fucking-check.

Literally everything becomes a “reason” for the aggrieved partner to cry “Cheater!” , including and especially activities that the abused victim might use to protect themselves. Why would he give someone a fake name in his contacts? Because he’s a cheater… or because he’s hoping to keep it a secret from his controlling abuser? Why would she close her messaging app when her partner came in the room? Because she’s exchanging sexy texts with her secret lover… or because she’s reaching out for help to leave?

Every behavior, no matter how banal or mundane, becomes justification to be angry at their lover. These supposed slights and micro-infidelities, these ways of “undermining the relationship” makes all of the problems the fault of the micro-cheater. It wouldn’t be this bad if you just would stop giving reasons for them to be so mad at you all the time. 

Pathologized Anxiety and Weaponized Suspicion

Part of what is so insidious about the concept of “micro-cheating” is how it plays on anxieties and fears about not just relationships, but modern society. With the advent of social media, always-on Internet connections, texting apps and movie studios in our pockets, we are capable of connecting with more people than ever – and often in ways that others may be unaware of. It’s one thing if your husband comes home with the classic lipstick on his collar or your wife smells faintly of someone else’s cologne. It may break your heart to know that they’ve cheated on you, but you have a way of detecting it. It’s harder to conceal an infidelity when you have to be physically present to arrange it.

But when they can have entire conversations with other people – in front of you – that you are unaware of, how can you be sure that they’re not sharing too much? With the way Facebook encourages us to overshare and Instagram prods us to present a very particular form of glamor, how many ways is there for some homewrecker to sneak into your relationship.

Is he arranging an affair right in front of you?!

And worse – you don’t know who your sweetie may be in contact with, or why. He says he’s just friends with this person… but why has he liked so many of his photos on Instagram? Why did she share that article about sex positions on his wall? Why did she tell her ex “happy birthday” with a silly little gif?

Schilling can say that you need to be rational and objective, but the questions themselves are predicated on the idea that privacy is de-facto bad and having relationships separate from your partner are inherently suspicious. It presumes, not just a universal morality, but a universal and unspoken number of rules – rules that you can break without realizing they even exist. And – in the style of all great catch-22s – questioning the premise is cause for suspicion. You wouldn’t care so much about it if you weren’t thinking about getting away with something, would you?

Part of what makes the concept of micro-cheating both absurd and infuriating is that there is the occasional warning sign to be found. Somebody who’s continually downplaying their relationship – “I’m seeing someone, but it’s not serious. No she doesn’t get me, he’s always so distant, we haven’t had sex in months” – is a bad sign. But by the time you get to the legitimate warning signs, you’ve had to wade through lists of made up offenses that range from the banal to scenarios that would be farcical if they weren’t being portrayed as a real and deadly threat to your relationship.

All any of this does is create a system where any suspicion is valid and the worst possible explanation is the most likely. Trust your gut because you know something is wrong – even if the problem is that you don’t trust your partner.

And let’s be real; by the time someone is giving another woman a “hope certificate”, their current relationship may not be dead, but it sure as hell is on life support. And the doctor’s hand is hovering over the switch.

Care and Feeding of a Strong Relationship

Part of what makes the idea of micro-cheating harmful is that it presumes that any interest in another person is inherently bad. But the fact of the matter is that everyone gets crushes. Everyone finds themselves infatuated with another person or finds themselves having sweaty thoughts about somebody – regardless of their relationship status. It’s part of the human condition; no one person can be all things to us. We are all going to be interested in other people and no amount of monitoring is going to change that. Monogamy just means that we choose not to sleep with other people, not that we don’t want to.

And that’s fine. But trying to safeguard the primacy of your relationship by watching for signs of “micro-cheating” just creates a system of confirmation bias; you’ll find reasons to be suspicious because you’re expecting to see them. It discourages trust between partners and actively damages the relationship. Relationships aren’t depositions. You aren’t obligated to account for every thought, every action and every line of text, just because you’re dating someone. Putting a ring on it doesn’t mean that you no longer have an expectation of privacy. You always have the right to your own life and your own secrets.

“Look I’m sure that if I caught him checking my phone I’d be just fine because HEY SHUT UP.”

You also have the right to your own friendships outside of the relationship. Commitment doesn’t mean you signed a contract that says “All Your Attention Are Belong To Us”. Having friends, even friends of your preferred gender isn’t a threat to your relationship. Even being flirty with other people doesn’t mean that you are undermining things.

What makes a strong relationship are strong boundaries, not asserting one person’s beliefs as a universal standard. It’s on both parties to discuss and agree what the rules to their relationship are. Micro-cheating isn’t a threat to the relationship; it’s not even a thing. The real threat to the relationship is baseless accusations, accusations based on bullshit standards and substituting anxiety as intuition. If you want your relationship to thrive, forget the “micro-cheating” bullshit. Build a relationship founded on respect, trust and communication with your partner instead.

 

 

  1. Is that a thing? Did I make that one up? Maybe I should write a panic-inducing article about roaching [↩]
  2. Full disclosure: my book New Game +: The Geek’s Guide to Love, Sex and Dating is published through Thought Catalog [↩]
  3. Does this mean that gay men are incapable of micro-cheating? Or are they forever micro-cheating? [↩]

Why “Men And Women Can Never Be ‘Just Friends’ ” is Bullshit

April 7, 2017 by Dr. NerdLove 286 Comments

One of the joys – and I use the term loosely – of my job is finding the many, many ways that people try to turn romance, sexual attraction and the lack thereof into something that it’s not. The greatest example, of course, is The Friend Zone: the phantom prison that women exile good, wholesome men into because FUCK YOU PENIS, THAT’S WHY. Of course there is that pesky issue that the Friend Zone doesn’t actually exist. It’s not a case of ladders or a way of keeping men on the hook for nefarious purposes. It’s just one person who doesn’t want to fuck the other, and another person – almost always a guy – who can’t get over it.

Over the years, I have seen many erstwhile sexual philosophers attempt to define The Friend Zone in many ways, from a scam to a social ill that needed to be corrected by the government. But in my time I have never actually seen someone try to make the case that The Friend Zone is actually a matter of national security. But hey, that’s exactly what Hans Fiene did over at The Federalist.

“What I’m proposing is… we kill The Friend Zone.”

ACTUAL QUOTE TIME:

The latest numbers on American birth rates are in, and they yield only one reasonable conclusion: All of us need to start having more babies or else the upcoming demographic tsunami will consume our nation, cripple our social programs, and leave us with a future so bleak that our only source of joy will be the moment we’re chosen to receive the sweet, fatal kiss of the Obamacare Death Panels, the Trumpcare Firing Squads, or the OprahCare Hemlock Squadrons.

Perhaps I’m overstating the danger a bit (Doctor’s Note: OH YA THINK?), but the point remains: Americans need to raise our sagging birth rates. One of the best ways we can do so is by reversing the trend of Americans waiting longer to get married. So, apart from tearing down America’s institutions of higher education, which tend to slow down the recitation of wedding vows, how do we do that? It’s quite simple. We tear down the Friend Zone.

No, you are not misreading this. Fiene is starting things off by equating The Friend Zone as being a key contributor to the decline in birth rates.

Now, even if we ignore the fact that the US population is expected to grow to 400 million by 2051, that is still a breathtakingly stupid way to start an already stale and insipid hot take. More impressively, Fiene’s argument manages to get fractally dumber the deeper you go. It is, quite literally, Not Even Wrong. It is parked perpendicularly to reality.

Now, Fiene is claiming that this is 60% satire and only 40% serious. But you know what? Even if we accept that hedge and let his bogus framing device go, the logic behind this deserves to be taken apart with the Chair Leg of Truth.

Let’s do this, shall we?

[Read more…]

See Dr. NerdLove At Emerald City Comic Con

March 1, 2017 by Dr. NerdLove 1 Comment

 

I’m going to be at Emerald City Comic Con this week! Come find me at table DD-1 in Artist’s Alley! I’ll have books, stickers and some awesome con-exclusives.

And while you’re there, don’t forget to come to my panels:

Thursday, at 4:15 PM, I’ll be on What Makes A Man – Masculinity in Geek Culture with Jay (MEL Magazine, Jay and Miles X-Plain The X-Men) Edidin in WSCC 604

Sunday at 1:30, Jay Edidin, Hope (Secret Loves of Geek Girls) Nicholson and I will be hosting Dating Do’s & Don’ts: A Live Dating Q&A, answering your dating questions!

(Want to ask a dating question anonymously? Fill out a card at my table and we’ll answer it on panel.)

It’s going to be awesome, so I hope to see you there!

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About Dr. NerdLove:

Harris O'Malley (AKA Dr. NerdLove) is an internationally recognized blogger and dating coach who gives dating advice to geeks of all stripes. Making nerds sexier since 20011

Remember: Dr. NerdLove is not really a doctor. [Read More …]

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