I can has a question. I’m a very average guy when it comes to dating, I feel. I go out on dates with girls once in a awhile. I don’t have any issues with asking girls out, but at the same time I’m not a “player”. The question is :
What do I do if I’m insecure about my girl’s career? Is there something to make it easier to get over?
I’ve been dating this girl for a while. I met her in a bar in downtown san diego. She was working there as a go-go dancer. Her lifestyle of constant bars and clubs, along with getting hit on by celebrities in LA makes me insecure. In the past few years she has been on an episode of Entourage and was a model for a long time in that TERRIBLE show called “Manswers” on Spike tv. I don’t stop her from doing anything, And I never pay for anything. But her lifestyle, and the fact that she makes more money then me makes me insecure.
What we have here is a case of what I like to call “The Chasing Cars Dilemma”. Lots of guys get crushes on girls who are attractive professionally, whether they’re go-go dancers, strippers, burlesque dancers, models-actress-whatevers… but then like the dog chasing cars, what the hell do you do when you catch one? That’s when you find out that these girls are a lot like high-end sports cars… they look great and your friends will be jealous as hell, but it’s frequently not nearly as much fun to drive as you’d think. You’re afraid to leave it anywhere, other people are gonna want to steal your ride and the maintenance costs may be a lot higher than you’d think.
So getting back to your particular issue. I want to be clear: I am not stereotyping go-go dancers, strippers or what have you, but that is an industry that attracts a particular personality type. These tend to be women who like attention, especially male attention, and frequently they like the power and opportunities that their job can bring. And they tend to attract people who are willing (and, often, able) to shower that attention on them and offer them those opportunities. And it can be really difficult to resist that sort of attention. So yes, it’s entirely understandable – reasonable, even – that you might feel a little insecure by the fact she’s rubbing elbows with celebrities. It’s entirely understandable why you’d feel like you can’t compete.
Here’s the thing to keep in mind though: she’s chosen to be with you. You offer her something nobody else is giving her. That alone should make you feel better about yourself. But what about all her Hollywood suitors? How are you supposed to compete with them?
You don’t. You can’t compete on their field, so you don’t try. You use this as a motivation to improve yourself on your terms, not theirs. Instead of trying to play their game, you play your own. There will always be imbalances in every relationship; one of you will be more attractive than the other, one of you will make more money than the other. Don’t let your imbalances define you; they can change at any time. She may be making more money now, but her career has a built-in expiration date. You may get a job that brings you on par with her income. The best thing you can do here is relax and enjoy. You are currently living a life that many other guys would love to try.
As for your girl…
I’ll be honest with you: you’re going to be in for some rough times. You’ll be dealing with jealousy and suspicion and the feeling that you don’t measure up. You can improve yourself and become a better, more interesting and attractive person. But ultimately, you have to decide whether you have enough faith in your girlfriend and in your relationship to endure.
I am not a good looking person by any stretch of the imagination, at least not in the conventional sense of beauty. The thing is, when I’m using dating sites like OKCupid of Plenty of Fish, I can easily find girls I’m attracted to, both by their pics and their self-description. I will also be contacted by girls who are attracted to me, but whom I don’t find attractive in return. How do I remedy my own physical attractions (as physical as you can get over the Interwebz) to girls who aren’t interested and girls who are interested?
Also, this doesn’t just have to deal with girls on the web. I’ve had a similar problem with girls in the real world as well.
So the girls you are attracted to don’t seem to like you back. Meanwhile there are girls who are attracted to you, but you don’t really care for them… Have you ever heard the song “If You Can’t Be With The One You Love, Love The One You’re With?”
I kid. But not really.
That’s going to be the way of things; frequently the girls you like won’t always like you back. You say that you’re not conventionally attractive; clearly you’re not unattractive, since you have women who’re trying to get together with you. You may want to examine your attitudes towards the ones you are attracted to vs. the ones who come to you; if you’re refusing them out of some sense of “I deserve better”, you could be seriously screwing yourself out of opportunities that you don’t realize. Some people don’t necessarily photograph well, or know how to be photogenic. Others may not be model-beautiful but are attractive anyway even if they don’t conform to the Glamour/Cosmopolitan/Elle version of beauty. Give them a shot and you might surprise yourself.