Before we get started, I want to lead off with a warning.
Watch what you say in the comments. Now to be sure, I don’t expect to have to do much at all, if anything; my readers for the most part are smart and sensitive people. But the Internet is what it is, and there is always the occasional asshole. If I see anything that I even think is some sort of derogatory crack about fat girls or guys, I’m gonna delete it, and whoever made it is going to have to be really careful if they want to keep posting. So if you disagree or have a differing opinion feel free to express it, but keep the insults and jokes out of it, ‘mkay? Thanks folks.
Hi, Dr. Nerdlove! I could really use some advice, if you have a moment.
You see, I’m a geek girl (but not a Geek Girl) who is single, and I have a bit of a problem trying to find gentlemen to date. I’m a pretty decent person, all told, and I’ve been a gamer since I was a little kid. I’m 26 and I’m back in college (after being laid off from a convention job I loved) and I’d like to try getting into the dating scene again.
Thing is, I’m fat. Not ‘chubby’, not ‘voluptuous’; fat. And guys just don’t seem to care if you’re an otherwise decent female who happens to be fat.
I’ve done all the things I’m ‘supposed’ to – join geek social circles, participate and get involved in activities, make friends, etc – but it just never works. I’m tired of hearing “wow, I wish I could meet a nice girl just like you”, and know that I’m not acceptable material because of my weight.
It’s very frustrating and I feel like I really have no hope finding a guy who can accept me for, well, me. Can you give me any advice?
– Shy Girl
Well, that really all depends on you, SG. What do you want?
I mean, there’s the glaringly obvious answer: change your eating habits and get more exercise. Fewer refined carbohydrates, a mix of cardio and weight-training, a few years of hard work and steely determination and Bob’s your uncle, problem solved.
Or, y’know, not. ‘cuz you don’t seem stupid, so I’m certain that this answer has occured to you before. And, frankly, that may well not be the answer you’re looking for.
And that’s ok.
No, seriously: that’s ok.
Now, I know this may confuse folks considering how often I advocate exercise in the course of improving your life… and don’t get me wrong: I still do. In fact, SG, you may want to get an exercise program going regardless – the endorphins will help you feel better and it’ll help keep you healthy and active.
But let’s deal with the subject at hand: dating and being fat. And I’m not gonna lie to you, SG, it can be tough. As much as geeks like to pretend that they’re more open-minded and accepting as a whole than the rest of society, geek guys are just as prone to certain cultural beauty ideals as the rest of the species, and a lot of ’em may well be willing to be friends with a fat woman, they wouldn’t want to date her. It is what it is, people are attracted to what they’re attracted to and no amount of arguing or debating is going to force people into wanting to bang what they don’t want to bang. That’s just not how human sexuality works.
But here’s the thing: there are guys out there who are attracted to fat women. Quite a few, if you take a look around on the Internet. A quick poke1 around on Redtube and Xtube brings up a large number of videos tagged BBW (big beautiful women – aka fat, for those of you who don’t speak Internet Porn). A search on Google brings up even more. So take heart: the guys who’re going to want to date you, bang you, take you home to meet the parents and pick out some window dressings are out there.
Now finding those guys, that’s gonna be the tough part.
Y’see, our culture being what it is, a lot of guys have a hard time admitting – sometimes to themselves, sometimes to others – who and what it is they’re attracted to. Some preferences, such as breast size, hip-to-waist ratio, hair color, race, are more widely accepted than others. Some, like an interest in bigger women, isn’t as accepted. In fact, being interested in large women can be cause for being mocked by ones (asshole) peers. As a result, it can be difficult to find a younger guy who likes BBWs who’s willing to admit it publicly. Those’ll be the ones who’ll be quite happy to have you in their beds but they’ll pretend that last night never happened when they’re around their friends. Now, if all you’re looking for is to get your rocks off, that might work for you. But I kinda doubt it. You say you’re looking to date, and you don’t want to date someone who’s not mature enough to own his interest in fat girls regardless of what his friends think.
So you may have to hunt around a bit to find someone who knows what he wants (you) and is mature enough to not give a shit about what other people may think. Those guys may be a little thin on the ground in a college or university setting, but they are out there.
Fortunately for you, there’s the Internet and online dating. The nice thing about online dating is that it allows you to screen for what you’re looking for. So if a guy is looking for a bigger girl on OKCupid, he can specify weight ranges or body types in the search parameters, whether it’s “heavyset”, “curvy”, “a few extra” or just “overweight”. And, critically, you can set your search parameters to find people who are looking for your body type. So get online, set up a profile, take some photos and make it clear what you have to offer, what you’re looking for and what you’re not willing to put up with.
And that last part? Pretty damn important. While there are definitely guys who genuinely want to date big beautiful women, there are just as many who will want to fuck ’em because they think that they can use a fat woman’s insecurities to push them around. So be sure to fine-tune your bullshit detectors and don’t be afraid to cut out the guys who set it off. Don’t let a scarcity mentality keep you stuck with someone just because you think there won’t be anyone else.
Good luck and hang tough. You’ll find someone.
- ho ho, ha ha, very funny [↩]