How do you find someone who’s the RIGHT girlfriend for you… and how do you make sure that YOU are the guy that SHE’S looking for? We’re going to talk about what you can do to turn 2020 into the year you meet someone who is your perfect match, and how to be the exact right man for her as well.
- Why online dating is the WRONG approach for trying to find the perfect girlfriend
- How men sabotage their own success when they go out to meet women
- Why even successful, socially skilled men meet the WRONG women
- How to let go of the self-limiting beliefs that are keeping you from unlocking your true potential
- How understanding exactly what and who you’re looking for will help you meet the right woman for you.
… and so much more
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Hey everyone, Harris O’Malley from doctornerdlove.com. So it’s a new year and a new decade and maybe you’re thinking that it’s time for a new you, maybe a new life. A… New Game Plus, if you will?
I’m just sayin’…
I mean, this is the time when we all make promises to improve ourselves in ways that we may mean at the time but fall to the wayside by the middle of March, which coincidentally, is about the same time when the weight-room isn’t packed to the gills and I can get back to my regular lifting routine without having to wait 20 minutes to switch in on the bench press.
One of those common resolutions is to decide that you are going to fix up your dating life and find yourself that perfect girlfriend — maybe girlfriends, plural, who knows. And look, I’m firmly of the opinion that New Years Resolutions are frankly kind of bullshit, but I want to help you make sure you actually achieve this one.
And to do that, I want to help you find the woman of your dreams, someone who is absolutely the right woman for you. But I want you to do it the RIGHT WAY; I don’t want you to be one of those people who makes these grandiose plans at the start of the year only to lose steam by February and to fall back into your same old rut by March.
So I want to teach you the RIGHT way to find women who are right for you and — more importantly — how to be the kind of guy who THEY’RE looking for.
Now I’m not gonna lie to you: this is the sort of thing that takes work, it takes commitment, it’s NOT going to be an overnight sort of change. So if you’re going to commit to doing this, if you want to make this new year YOUR year, then you’re going to have to put in the work. You’re gonna need to be willing to let go of your bullshit self-limiting beliefs that have robbed you of your power and convinced you that you’ve been fucked by the fickle finger of fate. You’re gonna need to get out of your comfort zone and actually challenge yourself in ways that you THINK you aren’t capable of.
And hey, it’s cool if you struggle with this sort of thing. If you want to join a bunch of awesome, like-minded folks who’re ready to support you and are on the same journey as you, then join my private Facebook group Nerdlove Academy at facebook.com/groups/drnerdlove.
So let’s talk about how you go about finding the women who are right for you.
One of the things I’m always telling my clients: dating is a numbers game. If you want to meet people who are right for you, then you’re going to want to maximize your opportunities for meeting people and create actual abundance in your life.
And as much as I like online dating, that’s not really the answer. Like I’ve said before: online dating has its own issues that frequently make it HARDER for men and women to meet the folks they WANT to meet. So while online dating should be part of how you meet people, it shouldn’t be the ONLY part. If anything, it should be a supplement to meeting people.
If you want to maximize your chances of meeting women — the RIGHT women — then you need to get out in the world and start going where the people are.
Now here’s where a lot of guys get this wrong.
Most guys make only a couple token attempts at broadening their opportunities to meet women — they’ll go to a single Meetup event or ONE dance class or what-have you and if they don’t have immediate success, they decide the whole thing is made of bullshit and fail and go back to their old ways.
You know. The ones that were working so well for them before.
The problem is that those old ways are comfortable and familiar, but they’re not GETTING you the results you want because comfortable and familiar. If you want different results, you have to do things differently. You have to broaden your horizons and, importantly, not assume it doesn’t work because you’ve done it for a day and a half.
I mean, the reason why you’re often uncomfortable in those new situations — whether you’re trying to hit the bars more often or going to a new class or event — is because you haven’t done it before. You’re probably a little intimidated because it feels like everyone can tell you’re a newbie and you’re half expecting people to just point and yell OUTSIDER!!! But sticking with it and becoming a regular is part of HOW you get to a place where you feel like it’s your thing. And — more importantly — part of the benefit of becoming a regular is that it makes you more familiar to the other regulars and THAT makes them more inclined to like you. As any ad executive can tell you: repeat exposure to something builds familiarity and familiarity builds interest. It becomes much easier to forge a connection with folks who’ve gotten to know you over time than it is to try to convince a random person you literally just met THAT NIGHT to try to start a relationship with you.
And it’s like I said in my episode on creating abundance — you may not be meeting the love of your life in those classes or those Meetups… but you ARE meeting people who might be the person who’ll introduce you to them.
But here’s an interesting question: what are the RIGHT classes to sign up for, which are the right MeetUps to join, hell, what are the right bars to start going to? Yeah, I tell you to leverage your passions, but what about when women don’t necessarily SHARE those passions? Or if the people you’re meeting through these interests are ones you’re just not compatible with?
This is a legitimate issue: sometimes the things that you love, that make you glad to be alive are things that, demographically, may not work in your favor. What do you do then?
This is one of those times when you have to think a little more strategically. If you want to find the women who are right for you, you have to go where they hang out. And that means trying to understand exactly what it is that you’re looking for in a partner.
So you want to take some time and try to figure out just who your perfect partner would be. Not just Angelina Jolie-circa-Hackers or what she would look like or her physical attributes, but what her personality would be like, what her attitude and interests would be, the sort of things that she would be into.
And do yourself a favor and don’t just assume that you want someone who’s exactly like you; that’s just being lazy. And don’t go in the opposite direction and just list “exists” or some other self-defeating bullshit. All that’s doing is just reinforcing those self-limiting beliefs that you’re leaving behind.
This is something you want to take seriously: what would your perfect partner be like? What would a relationship with her be like? What would you be doing together? What would your short, medium and long-term goals be in that relationship.
It’s important that you put some serious thought into this because it’s ultimately going to save you a lot of time and frustration. One of the issues guys have — especially guys who’ve started to really improve and are meeting more women — is that they’re meeting the WRONG women.
This is especially true for guys who’ve started to build up their skills and their confidence; they have a tendency to get a sort of kid-in-the-candy-store syndrome where they’re trying to hit on EVERYONE who’s vaguely attractive to them and then getting frustrated when those women just aren’t interested in them… AND they’re finding out that THEY aren’t interested in the WOMEN they’re meeting.
The problem is that once you start to come into your own — you believe in your own value, you’ve worked on those skills — you start to realize that just because she’s hot doesn’t mean that your interest is going to last longer than the five minutes from when you started talking to her to when you discovered that you two have NOTHING in common.
The more you understand what you’re ultimately looking for in a partner — and again, you need more than just “has tits” or “is hot” or “likes me” — the easier it’ll be for you to actually FIND them. By understanding just what you’re looking for, you’ll make it easier to know where to start looking.
So now you’ve got your checklist. You know what sort of person you’re looking for, what she’s going to be into, what she’s going to bring into your life and into the relationship. In an ideal world, this would be a description of your perfect partner.
Here’s how you make that list work for you.
I know a lot of you are going to be expecting me to tell you to toss the list out the window or that the longer the list, the more reasons you have that you’re single. Nah, we ain’t doing that.
What I DO want you to do is go through that list and ask yourself “why?”
Why are these traits or interests important to you? Why would having this person in your life mean that you’d be going on THAT trip or making THOSE plans or making THAT change to your life. I want you to really interrogate what those aspects of her would mean to you and your life — both together and your life separate from her.
And then… I want you to start looking at how you can incorporate those interests, those personality traits, those future plans and ambitions into YOU and YOUR life.
Because here’s the thing: a lot of times, the traits that we’re looking for in our partners are ultimately things that we wish we had OURSELVES. We look for them in our partners because we want those things in our lives, but we feel like we need someone else to provide them… or in a very real way, to unlock those qualities in us, somehow.
It’s part of the appeal of the Manic Pixie Dream Girl in movies or the various magical girlfriend anime: the presence of these women in the protagonist’s lives make them better men because… well, reasons.
And while there’s a lot to unpack about how this fantasy continues to exist, even in the year of our lord 2020, the more important question is: why wait for a woman to bring those changes into your life, when you could make them NOW? By yourself?
That’s not an idle question. If this is the sort of woman you’re looking for, then learning to incorporate the qualities you want her to have into your OWN life will make possible for you find and date those women.
See, despite what a lifetime of movies, pop culture and 80s music videos have told us, opposites don’t attract; we’re most attracted to the people who’re similar to us. It’s part of why we’ll bond so quickly with people who love the same movies or shows or podcasts that we do… but it’s also why we fall for the people do. More often than not, they’re like us in a multitude of ways — from our values to our personalties or our backgrounds, or from our interests to our ambitions. Even when they have traits that we wish we had in our lives, it’s because those are things that we value so highly.
Which is why bringing those traits into your life can be so powerful and make you THAT much more attractive to the women that you want to meet and date. By finding ways to incorporate those traits, those interests or passions into your life, you’re making yourself more attractive to the women who also share those interests.
Women aren’t looking for guys they can teach or inspire to be their ideal man… not when they could just find a guy who’s ALREADY like that.
Waiting for women to inspire you to change is ultimately just abdicating control over your life and hoping someone else will motivate you. And why would she want to when you can’t be bothered to motivate yourself? I mean, that’s a pretty clear indication that you don’t want the thing, or if you do, you don’t want it badly enough.
One of the reasons why waiting for a woman to make your life better tends to mean that women WON’T want to date you is because, let’s be honest: women have enough shit going on in their own lives. They’re not interested in a fixer-upper, they’re looking for a PARTNER, someone who ALREADY has their shit together and isn’t looking for someone to make him better.
(And trust me when I tell you: any woman who’s ever made that mistake, has only made it ONCE.)
Because straight talk, gentlemen: women aren’t interested in teaching their partners how to be different or wrestling them into liking the things they like. Life’s too short for that, especially if those are things that, right now, are kind of antithetical to who you are.
If you look at that list and think about the plans you want for the future or the trips you’d want to take… making those plans now, taking those trips, making that future happen NOW makes all the difference.
If you’re looking for someone who’s adventurous and impulsive, you’re going to have a much harder time if you’re hoping that she’s going to be the one to start dragging you on those adventures or making those spontaneous plans.
Because, even if you were to meet the PERFECT person… you wouldn’t be doing all these things you fantasize about doing with them because you’re not the person who WOULD do them. If you were… you’d be doing them now.
It’s a little chicken and egg, but if you make a point of doing the things NOW — taking those cool vacations, going on those hikes, taking more risks, learning to not be so over-analytical, whatever it is that you imagine yourself doing with your future girlfriend — you make it more likely to actually find the person who would do those things with you because they will be much more organic to who you ARE. And women want to date you for who you ARE, not who you COULD be.
In fact, learning how to incorporate those traits into your own life — whether it’s the interests you would want her to have or the aspects of her personality that you’d prefer — means that you will put yourself in the position of actually meeting the women you’re into.
Not because of some woo-woo I-Read-The-Secret bullshit but because it changes how you live your life. If you’re looking for someone who’s more cultured, who loves history and fine art and you take it on yourself to learn more and take in more culture… you’re going to be spending more time in museums, in galleries, in places where the women you’re most interested in are likely to hang out AND you’re going to be able to talk about the things that she likes.
Now I know this sort of thing can be hard. It’s difficult to know where to start, it’s easy to get frustrated and it can feel overwhelming at times. It’s understandable. Sometimes what you need is a little guidance. And if that’s the case, then investing in yourself and checking out my private coaching options may be exactly what you need. I work with you put together a plan of action that’s customized to your dating and relationship goals. You can check it out at nerdloveacademy.com/private-coaching or hit up the show notes.
But whether you do or don’t: it’s a new year and a new decade. It’s a time of infinite possibility and an opportunity for you to unlock YOUR potential, if you’re willing to make the leap. You’ve got the chance to start turning your life into what you’ve always dreamed it could be, if you take that shot and you commit to it and you put in the work.
It is a new decade. It’s time to let go of the fear and the self-limitations that’ve been holding you back, to release your tethers and fly.
And hey… I bet you’re gonna have a really great year.