Do you know what women find sexy in a man? Not attractive, not aesthetically pleasing but what makes a woman want to peel a man’s clothing off with her teeth.
A lot of guys… don’t.
In fact, a lot of guys have the absolute WRONG ideas about what turns women on. If you want to be sexier than other guys, then you should know what draws a woman to a guy… and why she says YES to sleeping with one guy and no to the rest.
SHOW HIGHLIGHTS:
- What men DON’T understand about desire and arousal in women
- Why physical looks aren’t the same thing as being sexy
- What your presentation says about your desirability
- Why women don’t actually LIKE “alpha males”
- What all the great seducers have in common
…and so much more.
RELATED LINKS:
The Truth About Casual Sex (And How To Get It)
The Secret to Getting Laid (Without Losing Your Soul)
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TRANSCRIPT:
Hey everyone, Harris O’Malley from doctornerdlove.com, brought to you by my generous patrons at patreon.com/drnerdlove. This week, I have a question for you:
Do you know what women find sexy in a man? Not attractive, not aesthetically pleasing but what makes a woman want to peel a man’s clothing off with her teeth.
A lot of guys… don’t.
In fact, a lot of guys have the absolute WRONG ideas about what turns women on.
Which, would explain why so many dudes send dick pics like a cat dropping a dead baby squirrel at a woman’s feet.
…and wondering why she’s not happier about it.
A lot of guys tend to have a very narrow idea of what they think “sexy” looks like to women; they tend to assume that it starts with Brad Pitt and ends with Jason Momoa. But if you ask five women for what they think is sexy in a guy, you’ll get six opinions. For every woman who wants to trace Kal Drogo’s abs with her face, you’re gonna get just as many women who want to lick frosting off Paul Hollywood. Or the women who are into Kristen Bruun, or think Winston Duke’s the hottest thing since World War III.
The problem stems from a fundamental misunderstanding about what makes women decide to say yes to sex. A lot of folks start from the position of assuming that women aren’t as interested in sex and have to be persuaded into it — and this is a topic all on it’s own; if you want to go more into it, let me know in the comments — so to them, the answer is to focus on the arousal process. It’s why we get so many douchey products whose premise is “THIS WILL MAKE HER SO UNCONTROLLABLY HORNY THAT SHE CAN’T *NOT* FUCK YOU”
Which… isn’t how it works. The question isn’t “does she want to have sex”, it’s “why should she want to have sex… with YOU?”
Nobody out there is so uncontrollably horny that they’re going to just pounce on the nearest warm body like a leopard out of a tree. Not when it’s easier and more reliable to go home and rub one out; that shower head may not be much for cuddling, but it’ll get the job done.
To mangle a metaphor, think of women’s arousal process to be akin to a car; you’ve got the accelerator and the brakes. The accelerator is why she wants to have sex — she’s horny, she wants the intimacy, etc. The brakes are reasons to NOT have sex with someone — self-image, risks of pregnancy or sexually transmitted infections, the person she might want to have sex with is an asshole, possibly lousy in bed or otherwise makes her feel unsafe.
A guy who’s sexy is someone who both gives her reasons to want to have sex but also helps take away the reasons NOT to.
And that is a mix of the physical and the mental. But often not in the ways you would think. So to help you level up YOUR inner sexy bad-ass, I’m giving you five ways that YOU can find the balance that makes YOU irresistible.
TIP #1: The first thing that makes you sexy is the way you look. Notice very carefully that I didn’t say you have to be “good looking”, I said the WAY you look. While yes, being conventionally attractive is helpful, it doesn’t make you sexy by default. You can ask any woman, and they’ll have stories about guys who had a body that’d make a saint kick in a stained glass window, but they had other traits that made them utterly unfuckable.
When I say the way you look, I mean your presentation — the way you dress, the way you take care of yourself, the way you present yourself to the world. That tells people a lot about you… and that makes all the difference in the world when someone is deciding how interested she may be.
Dressing well with clothes that fit properly, a good haircut and a decent sense of style can COMPLETELY TRANSFORM a guy in women’s eyes. This doesn’t mean that you need to be dressed head to toe in St. Lauren; even a t-shirt and Levis’ can be suave as hell… as long as their clean, pressed, and the right size and cut.
Similarly, it doesn’t matter if you’ve got perfectly sculpted cheekbones or not; if you look like someone who thinks that personal grooming is something that happens to other people… nobody is going to want to fuck you. No woman is interested in running their hands through greasy, oily hair and a scraggly, unkempt beard covered in dandruff — beardruff, it’s a thing — isn’t going anywhere near her thighs.
You can be one of the hottest guys in the world, but if you look like you’ve just come back from spending five years on an island in the South China Sea… nobody’s going to want to get close to that. Seriously, he looks like he smells like feet.
We’ve talked before about how confidence is sexy, and the way you dress is part of how you convey that confidence. Are you investing in yourself, showing that you give a damn about yourself? Or are you telling people that you don’t believe in your own value? And if that’s the case… why should they expect that you’re going to be worth THEIR time if you’re not worth your own?
TIP #2: The second secret to being sexier is to develop your presence. How do you make someone feel when you’re talking to them? Are you dialed in and paying attention to them? Or are they just one more thing you’re giving SOME of your attention to?
This is far more important than people realize. Most of us are dealing with a thousand distractions at any particular moment. Even when you don’t mean to, it’s very easy to give the impression that you aren’t actually interested in talking to them. Someone who’s giving us their full attention is a hell of a lot hotter than someone who isn’t. There’re few things sexier to a woman than a guy who thinks that they’re fascinating. Giving lots of strong eye-contact, paying attention, not being distracted and — importantly — being able to SHOW that they’re listening and paying attention, not just faking it, makes people feel good. It makes them feel like they’re important and interesting, which is not something most people feel in their day to day lives.
But what makes this SEXY is what it says about you. One of the things that makes a woman decide whether or not they’re interested in sleeping with someone is whether the sex will be any GOOD. After all, it’s very easy for guys to get off; men will orgasm in 90% of sexual encounters, whereas only 66% of straight or bi women will achieve orgasm when having sex with a man. A lot of guys — especially if it’s a casual encounter — simply aren’t invested in women’s comfort or pleasure.
A guy who demonstrates he’s interested in HER, he’s paying attention to HER, not just trying to find someone to use like a human fleshlight, is someone who’s demonstrating that he’s going to be much more likely to be paying as much attention to her IN BED as he is in the BAR.
And speaking of showing that the sex will be worth it…
TIP #3: The third secret to being a sexy bad-ass: be comfortable with your body and know how to use it.
Here’s a thing that trips up a lot of guys: most of us aren’t comfortable with our own bodies or our sexuality. It’s part of what makes us feel awkward or shy or undesirable; we feel like if we’re not perfectly ripped, then nobody could EVER be interested in us. But not only do women love a WIDE variety of bodies — I refer you back to Winston Duke and Paul Hollywood — but a guy who knows how to USE his body is hot as hell.
Because like I said: one of the ways that women decide between going home with you and going home to her Battery Operated Boyfriend is whether the sex will be good. One of the ways they determine this is in what a man does with his body while the clothes are still ON.
Most communication is, after all, non-verbal, and the way we move, the way we touch, even the way we stand all send messages about who we are. And if you want to make the leap from “nice” to “niiiiice”, then you want to send the RIGHT messages.
The great thing is that there are a LOT of ways of conveying this, but one of the ways that I find is the easiest and most accessible to people is to learn how to dance. And I don’t just mean pulling shapes on the club floor or what-have-you but PARTNERED dancing. Because while being able to tear up the floor when the DJ drops your favorite track can be impressive, partnered dancing is a very different beast… and one that speaks far more towards your skill in other areas.
Watch Dirty Dancing. This has stayed one of the most popular movies among women for decades because of the connection that’s built through the way Johnny and Baby dance together. The attraction and the intimacy are all built and expressed by how they dance with each other, and the fact that he’s a great dancer to START with, is a HUGE part of Johnny’s appeal.
And that’s something you can make work for you.
Partnered dancing — whether we’re talking about ballroom, swing, latin, what-have-you — is about two people working TOGETHER. This means that communication — particularly non-verbal communication — becomes key, especially giving and receiving clear, unmistakable signals. Both the lead and the follow have to pay attention to one another to make sure they stay on the same rhythm. Similarly, the lead has to be confident, maintain a strong frame and use physical contact to convey meaning and intent.
If one person’s off or giving off weak or mixed signals or the other person isn’t paying attention or they’re not in synch with one another, then everything falls apart, toes get stepped on and it’s no fun for anyone.
And while not every occasion is going to allow for demonstrating that you CAN dance, the lessons you learn from it, from being comfortable with casual contact, knowing how to touch someone with confidence, even learning how to stand and move with grace and rhythm and fluidty, come across in other areas.
A guy who can dance well is a guy who’s going to be in demand for… other things.
Fucking. I’m talking about fucking.
TIP #3: This one is a little unexpected because, frankly, a lot of guys conflate things like confidence, assertiveness or “being alpha” or “high-value” with, frankly, acting like an asshole. It comes out as insisting on being in charge, making demands or otherwise trying to prove that you’re a tough guy and must be the one making all the decisions.
And that’s not actually desirable in a lover.
In reality, one of the traits that science has actually found makes somebody more desirable as a lover is… kindness.
Despite the number of dudes who will swear up and down that being the asshole who couldn’t care less is going to make you the guy who crushes all the pussy, kindness and altruism were CONSISTENTLY better predictors of both sexual desirability and mate value.
But if you think about it for half a second, it makes sense. Dominance and aggressiveness are seen as being more THREATENING; a guy who insists on being in charge or who’s more dominant with other men… may well be AS aggressive and dominant with someone they’re sleeping with… and not in a fun, consensual way. Women tend to see guys who act like THAT as being more likely to use threats, aggression and coercion on THEM… which kills the mood. Desire and arousal CAN’T coexist with fear or stress.
On the other hand, kindness and altruism are what are known as pro-social behaviors, behaviors that are indicative of someone with higher emotional intelligence and positive social qualities that mark them as a person who’s also more likely to be less selfish, self-involved or an otherwise shitty lay.
These are behaviors that women are consciously on the lookout for — from paying attention to how you treat the staff at restaurants and bars to how you talk about other people in your life. Or, for that matter, how do you treat THEM? Are you someone who’s concerned with their comfort and pleasure, or are you bulldozing over their concerns and boundaries?
Because women? They’re on the lookout for telltale signs that you’re faking it. It’s important to them, because EVERY woman out there has a story about a guy who was a crouching nice guy, hidden douchecanoe that did a 180 as soon as the sex was over.
And a guy who starts off nice but acts like a dick — even without malicious intent — is gonna snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. No amount of “ok he’s hot” is going to counter “I specifically said I don’t like that and then he did it anyway”. Neither is pushing — however softly — against her boundaries. She doesn’t want another drink? Cajoling or teasing her into another is a clue that you’re not someone she’s going to want to get naked with because apparently to you, “no” is something that happens to other people.
Prove you’re someone who’s conscientious of others and — more importantly — someone who they can trust? That’s gonna be an aphrodisiac.
And kindness mixed with strength or confidence? Whooo… invest in some tear-away pants.
Don’t believe me? Show women a picture of Julius “The Mountain” Halfthor and his adorable pomeranian puppy.
TIP #4: You need confidence.
I know confidence comes up only SLIGHTLY less often around here than Fight Club, but it’s important.
The problem is that folks mistake confidence for fearlessness, for being certain of success, for never questioning yourself, not having insecurities or other things that have NOTHING to do with confidence.
Confidence isn’t about being fearless and it’s not about being smooth or suave. It’s not about being cocky or thinking you’re perfect. It’s simply about being willing to do what you need to do and knowing you can do it… even if it terrifies you.
Without confidence, you’re not even in the GAME. A guy without confidence is the guy who plays Schrodinger’s Date, where you’ve invited someone to hang out and it may or may NOT be a date depending on how she responds. A guy without confidence is the guy who can’t ask someone out, who does the tentative “hand-touch” or “accidental arm brush” instead of taking somebody’s hand or arm, or who just waits until someone ELSE makes a move instead of, say, asking if he can kiss her.
A guy with confidence will actually take ownership of his interest instead of trying to pretend he’s too cool to care or that, y’know, MAYBE he’d go on a date with you. A guy with confidence isn’t afraid to let someone knows he’s interested in her or that he wants to take her out on a date — or, if things are going well and she’s feeling it — take her home.
And a guy who isn’t confident is going to be the guy who hopes y’know, maybe a few drinks will make it all easier or maybe if he just leaves things ambiguous, he’ll never have to worry about being turned down. Can’t get shot down if a woman doesn’t know he’s asking her out after all.
A guy with confidence may be nervous. He may stammer, say the wrong word, even feel his heart pounding SO HARD that he’s surprised that she can’t hear it. But he’ll do it ANYWAY because he knows what he wants and he’s willing to do what it takes to get there.
You can be scared and still be confident. You can be awkward and still be confident. Hell, some women LOVE that; a guy who comes off like a nervous pangolin is often THE MOST ADORABLY SEXY THING ever because for a lot of women the intersection of kindness, awkward cuteness, and confidence for them makes panties disappear.
TIP #5: This may be THE most important tip: the guy who’s sexy is also the one who’s non—judgmental.
One of the most interesting studies around women and casual sex found that one of the most important deciding factors — something that utterly changed whether a woman would be going to bed with a guy, even a guy she didn’t know — was removing the risk of judgement and social shame.
Turns THE biggest reason why women aren’t interested in a guy is because guys not only tend to be bad lays… but they tend to turn around and call women whores or sluts afterwards. The trap of “I want to fuck you, now I’m going to insult you for LETTING me fuck you” is, hands down, the reason why women seem less interested in sex in general. After all, bad sex AND getting called a slut afterwards? Woah, who WOULDN’T want to sign up for that?
Guys who are going to judge a woman for the sex she has or hasn’t had, are guys who women DON’T want to sleep with. They’re demonstrating that they’re self-centered, insecure and present a greater risk — physically, emotionally and socially.
A guy who can accept a woman for who she is, who isn’t hung up on bullshit ideas about purity or female sexuality, is someone who actually has sex appeal.
The greatest seducers in the world are the ones who actually respect their partners. Sex is collaboration, not conflict. Being interested in someone’s desires and pleasure and respecting their boundaries increases THEIR desire for YOU. After all, knowing that your pleasure is important to your partner makes that partner more desirable because the sex is going to be THAT MUCH BETTER. The guy who who’s going to judge you for doing the things he WANTS you to do… is a guy who’s just going to do what it takes to get HIMSELF off.
Just remember: the sexiest men in the world aren’t the best looking ones. They’re the ones who are invested in making sure that everyone has a good time. Whether it’s over the course of the relationship… or just tonight.+ha