Sexting and knowing how to flirt over text is a skill that’s invaluable whether you have a friends-with-benefits relationship, a long-distance relationship, or if you and your partner are looking to keep things exciting.
In fact, knowing how to start sexting with someone the right way may be one of the most invaluable skills you can develop for keeping the spark in your relationship.
But you have to know how to get things started the right way.
- How to lay the groundwork to start sexting with your partner
- Why the right text can be sexier than any photo
- What to say to a woman over text to turn her on
- Why most guys FAIL at sexting
- What to say to start sharing pictures
… and so much more
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Hey everyone, Harris O’Malley from doctornerdlove.com, brought to you by my generous patrons at patreon.com/drnerdlove. This week, I want to help you on your journey to be the sexy badass you know you can be, and to do that, I want to talk with you about one of the least appreciated skills when it comes to dating; a skill that adds excitement to your relationship whether it’s brand new or long-term, and keeps things hot even when you can’t see each other — sexting.
And honestly, it’s a skill that’s invaluable whether you have a friends-with-benefits relationship or a semi-regular casual hook-up, if you’re in a long-distance relationship, or — like a lot of folks — not shacked up with the person you were dating before the lockdown.
In fact, knowing how to flirt over text or start sexting with someone the right way may be one of THE most invaluable skills you can have during the COVID-19 lockdown whether you’re quarantined away from your partner or like MANY people, you’re still active on dating apps.
After all, one of the hardest things about quarantining on your own or away from your partner is that lack of simple contact… and that means there’re a lot of people out there who’re hornier than a three-peckered goat.
… and that’s how you demonetize a video, kids!
Whether you’ve only just started flirting with someone, had a few dates (on Skype or otherwise) or you’ve been dating for a while, trying to keep things hot can be difficult, especially when you can’t see or touch each other for who knows how long. And right now, it’s one of the few ways we can responsibly get our rocks off with someone who doesn’t live with us. As if 2020 couldn’t get any weirder, who’d’ve thought we’d see state governments telling us to sext more… but here we are.
And what’s kind of fascinating is that sexting is held in low regard; whenever we talk about it, it’s often in the context of unwanted dick pics, really awkward come-ons and guys demanding nudes from strangers. But studies have found that most people are really into it…
But you have to know how to get things started the RIGHT way, in a way that turns people on, not just airdropping someone your dick or saying “hey can i fuck your tits?” within the first couple of messages. No seriously, that happened to more friends of mine than I care to count.
So that’s why today I want to teach you how to sext… like a gentleman.
#1: Sexting Is Seduction
The first thing you need to understand for fun, sexy times via your phone is that sexting is ultimately a process of seduction. The mistake so many guys make is that they don’t understand this and try to leap right into things without laying the groundwork.
And just as you don’t start off a date saying “so… you gonna suck my dick or what?”
— and if you do… well, I think we figured out why you’re still single —
you have to build up to it. You have to warm things up, build the mood and help set things in motion so that sexting happens almost without effort on your part.
Seduction, after all, isn’t about getting someone to do what YOU want, it’s about giving them permission to do something THEY want to do. That’s why being crude, crass or abrupt is how you end up getting left on read; you weren’t turning them on, you were just trying to boss-rush to sex and that doesn’t work.
Now the great thing about building the mood is that there are any number of ways to do this — ways that you can tailor to your personality and the nature of your relationship. You can be romantic, you can be silly, you can be flirty and sexual. It’s all about how you lead into things.
In a long-distance relationship or one where you’re separated for a while, you might start with “I miss you so much right now…” or “I really wish I could ____ with you right now.” If you’re seeing someone casually or just starting out, you might say “Sorry, I just had the most inappropriate thought about you” or “hey, I’m really busy today and your being sexy is distracting me…”
The thing to remember is that the lead up to any sort sexual activity, including sexting, is a dance. You want them to be moving WITH you, in synch with you, not away from you or against you.
This is why dropping your dick into the conversation without warning or promoting or a request is like a cat dropping a dead baby squirrel at your feet and wondering why you’re not happier about it.
Building the mood is about the slow burn; you want to take turns escalating things and enjoy anticipation as part of the process.
#2 — Use Your Words
The next thing you want to keep in mind is that sexting isn’t just about pictures. In fact, trying to go straight to pictures is kind of an amateur move, especially when you’re only casually seeing someone. People are far more likely to be up for sexting when it’s text. In fact, you’re likely to get a lot further and do a lot more in text. Texting has a disinhibiting effect; it doesn’t feel as “real”, you aren’t seeing the person you’re texting and so you often feel like you can do more and get away with more. This means that people are more likely to push the envelope a little and be up for talking about or describing things that they would be too shy or embarrassed to try in person.
And frankly, a lot of times, it’s hotter.
After all, words have been THE dominant medium for seduction and arousal since humans developed language. The Song of Songs in the Old Testament is a poem all about sexual longing. Heloise and Abelard conducted an affair across thousands of miles with nothing but letters to sustain their connection. Pablo Neruda, Langston Hughes, John Donne, Sappho, Charles Baudelaire all show the power of words to arouse and turn us on.
Like the man once said: language was invented with one purpose: to woo women. And in that endeavour, laziness will not do.
When you’ree sexting, knowing how to use your words properly is a POWER move. You will turn women on FAR more if you know what to say and how to say it than you EVER will by showing them your dick.
Of course, part of this means knowing what to say and how to say it. And for that, I suggest you do your research. Reading poetry, especially classical erotic poetry can help you learn the magic of rhythm, word play and imagery. Reading things that WOMEN find erotic gives you ideas of what they ACTUALLY want to hear, whether it’s erotica on Kindle or even the smuttfic tags on An Archive of Our Own. Taking the things that you already know they’re into and playing it back to them is almost like a cheat code.
#3 — Sexting is Interactive
In any form of sex, whether in person, over video or via text, there is a universal truth: there are fewer greater turn-offs than one person doing all the work and the other person just sitting there going, “yeah, yeah.”
In fact, this is one of the most common ways sexting goes wrong; guys tend to initiate, then sit back and wait for women to do all the heavy lifting and just ask for more…
As if constantly saying “ok, yeah, give me more” is going to inevitably lead to nudes. Sexting, like all forms of flirting, is a two-person job. It is a dance, two people moving in harmony with one another. You have to work together and WITH each other to build and maintain the mood.
That’s why you can’t just keep saying “ooh what else” or “more” and expect things are gonna go any further. When someone’s working to create a certain mood, the least sexy thing you can say is “and then…?”
Now in fairness — please notice how I avoided “to be fair” — sometimes you may not be sure where to go with things or what to say. But in those moments, then what you do is ask and build that ask into the flirting.
“What do you wish I were doing” or “Where do you want to be touched right now?”
It’s important that you frame those questions into “what would they want YOU to be doing”, not just “what are YOU doing” or “what would YOU be doing if I were there”. If you want a response that’s more than just “eating cereal”, you need to make it about what they want to hear from you in that moment.
Just as importantly: you need to build off what each other says instead of trying to force things to go one way or another. It’s the old improv rule of “yes, and.” This makes things more collaborative and helps ensure that the sexting is going in a direction your partner likes and is actually into. That, in turn, means they’re more likely to escalate things as they get turned on… including being interested in sending or receiving pictures.
Speaking of which…
#4 — Words Before Nudes
Part of the reason why guys are often bad at sexting is that they are too focused on getting pictures and not the process and that doesn’t work with someone you’re not already exchanging pictures with.
Don’t get me wrong: trading pictures with someone you’re seeing is unspeakably hot, but trying to rush the process is like trying to skip foreplay. There’s no build-up, no excitement and your partner isn’t going to be getting as much from it, which makes them less interested in participating at ALL.
On the other hand, when you stoke those fires, build up the mood and get good at turning your partner on with your words… they’re far more likely to want to kick things to the next level, which means that you’re MUCH more likely to get nudes, now and in the future.
After all, when your partner is turned on BEFORE sending pictures of themselves, they’re much more likely to associate the feeling with you and with the act of taking and sending pics to you as well as getting them FROM you. It becomes a way of escalating the moment, building to a climax… as it were.
The key is to make the pivot smoothly by finding the right moment. If they say that they’re so turned on right now or that something is incredibly hot, saying “Show me” is going to get a better response than “I want to see your tits”
At the same time: ASK before sending your own. You can either ask directly — “can I show you how turned on I am right now” or lead into it the same way they did: tell your partner how hard they’re making you and let THEM ask to see.
Now granted, once you’re at that stage while you’re sexting with someone, it’s probably a formality. But it’s still better to ask first. Hell, for all you know they’re some place where the last thing they want is for your naked ass to suddenly be on their screen.
Incidentally, you could do an entire episode about how guys can take sexier pics of themselves — and I’ve got some basic tips on how to take a good photo in a previous episode; hit the thing or check the link in the show notes — but as a free tip: the LEAST sexy pics are the ones just of your dick, especially from the top down or in the mirror. I get that you’re proud of it, but it ain’t as aesthetically interesting to anyone else.. Anyone who’s into you would rather see it IN CONTEXT, with the rest of you than just seeing a fleshy version of the monolith scene from 2001.
And honestly: a lot of the women you’re flirting with tend to prefer butts. The other thing to keep in mind is that often going full nude is far less sexy or interesting than keeping things strategically covered. If you want to get good at sending pics, study pinups, research what women like seeing and learn how to replicate that. And seriously, gentlemen, I understand why all the mirror selfies, but it’s the future; get yourself a stand and a bluetooth trigger. That alone will take your sexting to the next level.
Finally, we have what is probably THE most important rule:
#5 Practice Safe Sext
The thing to keep in mind is that even in this day and age when we all have pocket-sized film studios with us at all times and pretty much everyone has taken or sent nudes or racy photos of themselves to others… there can still be consequences if those photos escape into the wild, ones that you’d probably rather avoid.
Sending photos comes with risks, and keeping them comes with more. Even services like Snapchat that promise to delete the image can’t stop people from snagging them and keeping them. And the ways those photos get out there isn’t just restricted to revenge porn or people being shitty to their exes. Sometimes they leak through no fault of your own. Friends go through your phone and airdrop the photos to themselves. Computer and phone repair services are NOTORIOUS for skimming through hard drives and looking for porn and nudes. And all of the many data breaches mean that your passwords are probably out there, which increases the odds of someone getting into your dropbox or other online stash. As a rule of thumb: you have to assume that if it connects to a network, it’s not secure. If it’s not air-gapped, people can probably get to them. That means you want to keep things as safe as you can, with a two-factor authentication app and a unique, COMPLICATED password — ideally one you change on a regular basis.
In an ideal world, you’d be deleting the pictures soon after you receive them and got off. But let’s be real: nobody’s doing that. So realize that getting pictures of someone is a privilege and that means you have a responsibility that should be taken seriously.
So do yourself and your partner a favor: keep those sexy pics as safe and secure as possible. If someone knows their nudes are safe with you, you’ll be guaranteed to get more of them.
And one more thing before we’re done: over the last few weeks, you’ve heard me talking about the Dating Accelerator program — an 8 week seminar where I will be teaching you and a limited number of students how to transform your dating life and help you find the social success you’ve always wanted.
I’m taking a limited number of students for the beta test and I’ve kept the sign-ups open for longer than planned because of the coronavirus pandemic. But the sign-ups WILL be closing at the end of this month, so if you want to take part in the beta test, this is your last chance,. And because this is the beta test, people who sign up now are getting the beta test prices; the price WILL go up later on, so if you want in, now’s the time.
Visit https://nerdloveacademy.com/the-dating-accelerator-program/ or click the link in the show notes to learn more and to reserve YOUR spot.