Estimated reading time: 16 minutes
Dear Dr. NerdLove:
This isn’t so much a question about dating, but more of a “why am I so bad at socialising?” kind of inquiry.
I’m the type of person that everyone assumes is always surrounded by friends or potential partners. At classes and events, I’m often the one bringing people together, welcoming newcomers, and being the regular face that people recognise. At work, I’m one of the more outgoing people, and mingle with those outside of my department too. I talk to everyone I meet, and I make an effort to make people laugh, feel at ease, and be heard, and I genuinely seem to do this quite well. It seems people think positively of me, because I often hear comments about how social I am or how I must have a busy social life. Yet, the truth is, while I do go to a couple of classes each week and attend some parties, most of the time I’m at home, alone, and not talking to anyone. I don’t really have any friends, and I do wonder if people are just lying or putting up with me.
What really bothers me is that no one adds me on social media. I have just three “friends” on Facebook, and eight followers on Instagram. When I check the profiles of people I know, they have hundreds of friends and followers. Recently, a girl I know was suggested to me by the algorithm, and even though I’ve known her for months, she’s already connected with a guy who joined our class only two weeks ago. The same applies to someone I’ve known for several years!
I know that the number of followers doesn’t reflect the quality of relationships, and it doesn’t necessarily mean someone is “popular”. But it does show a certain level of willingness to connect, even if it’s just to add another follower to a count. In my case, though, it feels like people aren’t even interested in doing that. In today’s world, social media connections matter because they can lead to new opportunities and help you meet new people, which in turn opens more doors. Needless to say, I don’t go on dates either, and I think this is part of the reason why. It’s been this way my entire life, and I’m incredibly lonely.
I don’t want to shift the focus to why I’m not adding them. I’m already making an effort to build relationships in person. What I’d like to focus on is why people don’t seem to reach out to me.
Reach Out And Touch Someone
My guy, I understand why you don’t necessarily want to focus on why you’re not adding people, but that’s actually part of it.
Here’s the thing: connecting with people and making friends is a mutual-participation affair. It’s very hard to make a relationship – whether platonic, romantic or sexual – happen when only one person is taking an active role. Part of this is out of fairness, balance and reciprocity; nobody likes feeling like their relationship with someone is one-sided, after all. Another part is that you have to show that you’re interested in being friends or connecting on social media or what-have-you. Very few people want to go where they’re not wanted, and they don’t necessarily want to try to connect with someone who doesn’t seem like they’re interested in having some sort of relationship. At best, it can be rude, at worst, it seems like you’re forcing yourself onto someone who’s not interested, and so a lot of people hold back without at least some sign of interest if not an explicit invitation.
Some of this is about shyness and being afraid of bothering folks. While there’re lots of people who are socially confident and have no problem making the first or unilateral moves to connect with people, there’re also a whole lot of folks who don’t want to come off as being presumptive or pushy or who worry that they’re bothering the other person. Sometimes this worry even extends when you are already friends. God knows I have friends who I am always happy to hear from who worry that they’re bothering me when they reach out to talk… and to be honest, I’m the same with some people I don’t feel like I’m that close to yet, so I get it.
It ain’t logical, mind you. But who said this had anything to do with logic?
But I think a bigger part of this – and the part that’s most relevant to you – is that you’re working from this assumption you shouldn’t have to signal to others that you’re cool with connecting with them outside of work or class. That they should just want to reach out and make the first move because… well, because. But the problem with this outlook is that unless you’re so incredibly compelling or charismatic or what-have-you that people are motivated to risk a social faux pas and make that first move regardless of whether there was some affirmative sign, most people simply aren’t going to roll those particular dice. And the vast majority of the population just isn’t that magnetic.
(And to be blunt: the people who are most on the receiving end of that sort of attention online tend to be women, who are dealing with men with over-developed senses of entitlement. It ain’t fun, it ain’t flattering and most of the people who’ve encountered this are worried about coming off like that themselves.)
Now, an important part of all of this is perception and people’s impression of who you are. That is: your peers’ idea of who you are, based on the way they’ve seen you in class or at work is affecting how they interact with you. It’s easy to forget that people only see a limited slice of our lives, and the version of you they encounter may not be representative of your holistic self. You can be a very different person at work than you are when you’re off the clock, after all… but the people you work with may not have reason to think that. Not without some evidence to the contrary, anyway.
You mention holding court at classes and events and how everyone assumes you must have an incredibly busy social life. We both know that’s not the case, but that’s the assumption people are making based on their perception of you at these events. If you’re not giving affirmative indications that you’re interested in seeing these people outside of work or class or the events you’re going to, they may well assume that you’re busy as hell and they’d be intruding if they hit you up to go see the new MCU movie or to join them and their friends for drinks after work. It’s not that they’re not interested in being friends or seeing more of you, so much as they think that you may not have time for them, and they don’t want to presume.
The same goes for social media. A lot of people treat social media as an extension of their in-person relationships and aren’t necessarily going to intrude where they don’t think they’re welcome, especially if it’s a platform where they’re mostly connecting with friends, rather than one that’s more about broadcasting or consuming other people’s content (like, say, TikTok, Bluesky or Twitter). It’s generally assumed that on Bluesky or Twitter that you don’t need to ask permission to follow someone if their account isn’t locked down, whereas you have to send a request on Facebook or WhatsApp; that creates a different set of expectations in terms of etiquette.
Now, there’re a lot of open questions and assumptions based into the issue, such as “are you sure most of your classmates and colleagues are active on Facebook in the first place?” A lot of Gen Z and Gen Alpha actively avoid Facebook because it’s a place for The Olds; it’s not impossible that many of your peers just don’t use the platform. You’re also assuming that they know you even have a Facebook or Instagram profile in the first place, if you haven’t mentioned it specifically. Many people do, yes, but it’s not a guarantee, and folks aren’t necessarily going to go actively seeking you out without reason to do so.
But this also goes back to the being an active participant and providing some form of affirmative invitation. You mention, for example, that someone you’ve known for months was suggested to you by the algorithm, and only recently at that. This suggests to me that you’re not interacting with any of your peers on these platforms. Are you not giving likes or reactions on their posts? Are you commenting on the things they share or tagging them in discussions or posts that may be of interest to them? If you’re not, I’m not surprised that you’re not seeing any sort of interest from them, while folks who joined the class more recently are connecting. If they’re commenting and reacting and sharing back and forth and you aren’t, it’s entirely understandable that they’re mutuals, while you’re sitting around and twiddling your thumbs.
Plus, on platforms that don’t have an algorithmic timeline, if you’re not interacting with people, they’re far less likely to find you or follow you – especially if they’re not motivated to seek you out on their own with no prompting from you. Part of why people get frustrated about a lack of follows on BlueSky is that they’re not participating in conversations; they’re hanging their shingle out in the middle of nowhere, without anyone knowing that they’re there in the first place and wondering why they’re not getting any metaphorical foot traffic. Participating in those discussions online is part of how you build a following – not just with the person you’re talking to, but with other people who are seeing those conversations.
So, if you’re sitting back and waiting for people to follow you, I’m not surprised that nothing is happening. Not only are you not giving any sort of sign that you want to interact with them outside of a work/class/event context, they’re just not seeing you in the first place.
Don’t forget: almost every social media platform out there uses some form of algorithmic feed, and engagement and participation is part of how it decides who gets shown to whom. If you’re just sitting there, waiting for people to know you’re there, you could be waiting for a while until someone has a reason to actively search for you. And, for that matter, if they do search for you and you don’t show much activity on your profile, they may assume that you just don’t use that platform and it’s a dead or dormant account. And that lack of activity is also going to drop you down in the algorithm’s results.
Is it a bad thing that we let black box code dictate if our friends see us or who finds us online? Fuck yes. But as with many issues in life, you can wish for a better world but you gotta live in this one.
All of this applies to dating as much as it does to socializing, by the by. Things don’t change, just because we’re talking about platonic friendships instead of romance or sex.
So, dragging this back to what I said at the top: the question of why you aren’t sending friend requests or following people is very relevant to the issue. If you’re trying to make some sort of point about the one-sidedness of the interest or trying to prove that people are just tolerating you and don’t actually like you… well, this is a bad way of proving things. If this is about wanting people to show that they like you enough to reach out, the fact that you seem to be coming across as “social, but uninterested” is going to put people off, because they don’t want to be rude and bother you if you’re not interested.
As I’m so often saying: if you want things to be different, you have to do things differently. You may not want to talk about why you’re not reaching out first or showing interest first, but that’s going to be a big part of how you signal to others that you’re interested in being friends. If you’re friendly but distant, people are going to take that as a sign that you want to keep them at arm’s length. If you’re Solemn Face McGee when you’re not “on”, they’re going to think you’re just not friendly. And if this is about feeling like you shouldn’t have to provide those invitations or show interest first or make the first move, then you have to decide which is more important to you: being right or having friends.
I suggest that you do some serious introspection and consider how you’re coming across at work, in class and elsewhere. If people are assuming you’re this perpetually busy social butterfly, then that would indicate you’ve got the social skills part necessary to make friends. You just have to take the next step and show that you’re interested in making friends, instead of hoping that someone will divine this out of thin air. You need to be a more active participant – online and off. Ask people if you can send them a friend request, comment on their posts, invite people to do stuff, even if it’s just to sit with you at lunch.
Show that you want to connect with people and make friends, and more people will not only take you up on your offer, but will feel like it’s appropriate for them to ask you, too.
Good luck.
Hi Doc,
Not entirely a dating question, but more about making connections and forming relationships.
The gist of my situation is this: Every single personal connection I have made in life has either been long-distance, or became long-distance over time. Whereas every time I’ve tried to make connections that were more ‘local’, they never went anywhere, and this has been a trend in my life for as far back as I can remember.
Some detail for my current situation: I have a handful of friends, all online. A few were people I met while studying in abroad and kept in touch with, the rest were people I met through online gaming. I’ve been in three relationships, two of which we met in person but ended up long distance, and one which started online. At present, every friend I’ve made in the past three years have either moved away, or in the process of moving away.
I’ve made attempts to make friends or date more ‘locally’ to me, but always find myself eventually losing contact with the former and being outright ghosted in the latter. I’d like to chalk it up to just bad luck, but at this point it’s been going on for so long I’m beginning to feel that there is something wrong with me that I’m just not seeing.
I know this isn’t exactly a lot of information to go about, and I’m not looking for a solution. But maybe there’s some insight that I’m missing about how I’m going about this whole thing? Some core assumption I have that is flawed?
Best regards Doc
Left Behind
You’re right, there’s not a lot of information to go off of here, LB, so I’m going to have to make some pretty big swings based on what you have given me.
It doesn’t seem like the issue is an inability to make friends; you made friends when you were studying abroad and you’ve had local friends who’ve moved away. So while it’s certainly possible there’s a skill issue involved here, it doesn’t seem like that’s the biggest impediment.
There’re a few things that might be worth exploring, such as why most of the friends you’re making are from online gaming. If that’s where you’re spending most of your time, it makes sense that this is where you’re going to make most of your friends. Friendships are built and strengthened over time spent together after all; if it takes 200 hours to go from strangers to close friends and you’re spending those hours together in Call of Duty or Fortnite or Overwatch, it’s not exactly a surprise that this is where all your friends are.
So the first thing I would suggest is to find events or activities that’re local to you that speak to your interests and passions, but that let you explore them in ways that help you meet other people who also share those passions. If there’s a local e-sports league, for example, you may want to consider taking part. Or, like a lot of folks, you may want to find things that are, if not directly tied to your interests, at least tangentially related; you may not find a lot of places hosting old-school LAN parties, but some board game or tabletop gaming groups may be your speed.
Or you may need to find things that folks who like what you like also enjoy doing. A lot of TTRPG players are also into things like cosplay or anime. What sorts of hobbies and interests do your gaming friends have beyond online games and how many of those could you conceivably try out in your general area?
And I notice how many of your friendships are conducted online and how many started there… including at least one of your romantic relationships. If you’re more prone to spending your time on the computer, then as much as it’s a cliché, at least part of the answer is to go outside and touch grass. As a general rule, I’m a big believer that most of your life should be lived offline. Yes, I’m well aware that I’m saying that as someone who’s online to a terminal degree; as with many aspects of this column, I’m trying to save you all from making many of the same mistakes I have…
But based on what you’ve said, I’m not sure that’s the entire issue at hand. Instead, I have to wonder if part of the problem is location. I can’t help but notice that every friend you’ve made in the last three years has either moved away or is in the process of doing so, and that two of your three relationships started local but eventually became long-distance. That seems like a pretty significant and salient detail; as the saying goes, once is happenstance, twice is coincidence, but three times is enemy act a pattern. If this is a recurring issue, then I think we have at least part of an answer.
I wish you mentioned why they’re all moving away. Is it a matter of a surfeit of jobs? Is the local cost of living unbearably high compared to where they’re moving to? Are they all varying flavors of queer in a hardline conservative region? Hell, have they all been university or graduate students who’ve finished their studies and now they’re all moving back home or to start their careers? It may well be the case that you’re living in an area where people in similar stages of their lives as you are moving to potentially greener pastures. If that’s the case… well, honestly, it seems like at least one answer would be to ask whether it’s time for you to move, too.
I realize this seems like an extreme option, but if it really is a demographics or economic issue, that’s likely to continue being a problem for you. And honestly, we talk about people moving in order to find a better life for themselves all the time. Yeah, the majority of the time, we mean that economically, but that’s not the only way to measure improvement in one’s life. Moving some place where you’ve got better odds of meeting people your age, with similar lifestyles and values and having more friends and partners certainly meets the definition of “a better life”.
This is about the best I can do with the info you’ve given, unfortunately. You don’t mention why or how you’ve lost contact with the friends you’ve had, nor do you say much about the dates who’ve ghosted you. Without that information, I can’t tell you if there’s something you’ve done wrong, if you’re meeting the wrong people, or you’re just dealing with the vagaries of modern dating. It could even just be bad luck; yeah, it’s been going on for a while, but sometimes you can just end up with a really nasty string of bad luck through no fault of your own.
But if it’s been going on for this long, then it’s time to start making some changes and seeing what happens. Start tweaking the variables – where you’re meeting people and how, where you’re spending time with them, the kinds of activities you do together and the kinds of dates you’re going on. The more you change things up, the better you’ll be able to see where the sticking points may lay. And if it is a case that the demographics just aren’t in your favor… well, then you have at least one potential answer.
Good luck.
