Help me Doctor:
I have a dilemma. I’ve been talking to this girl for a few months now: IMing, texting, when we see each other in the halls we stop and talk. She laughs at my stupid jokes and what not. She seems interested in me, but then there are a few times where I would be talking and she would just leave or when I send her a message she never gets back to me. I see her hanging around another guy a lot, and then the next day she comes back to me. I can’t really tell if she likes me or this other guy. So is there a way to tell?
Ah, communication in the modern age. Texting, instant messaging, Facebook chat…
If you’ll forgive me a “Git awf mah lawn!” moment, back when the only methods of communication were mailed letters and telephones, there were rules and etiquette that dictated how people acted; if you were talking on the phone, you would acknowledge when you were hanging up, otherwise you came across as incredibly rude. Being on the phone also meant that you were obviously unavailable for all but the most important tasks; you couldn’t just put down the phone to go load the dishwasher and expect the other person to be sitting around waiting for you.
(It was also, I note, easier to pretend that you weren’t there or ever got the message in the first place… leading to a lot of confusion at times.)
Despite it feeling like it’s been around forever, instant communication is still fairly new and we haven’t collectively come up with a universal rule-set for communication. It’s not uncommon, for example, for conversations to just dry up for no apparent reason. It could be any number of things: other distractions coming to the fore, chatting with other people and losing the thread of your initial conversation or even just the other person deciding “Yeah, I’m kinda done talking to you for now.”
From the sounds of it, that’s what you have going on. And whether a girl likes or doesn’t like you isn’t going to preclude her from hanging out with other people. If you want to know if she likes you or the other guy? Well, there’s a simple method to do just that.
Man up and ask her out.
Dear Dr. NerdLove,
After your article on dating sites, I’ve been thinking about my lack of luck on both OKCupid and Plenty of Fish. Either I end up talking to girls who have a screw loose (and truly need professional help), have one sided (my side doing all the talking) or just no replies at all. Do you have any words of wisdom in weeding through the dating site jungle? Personally, I’m hoping to find a girl I can befriend before we start a romantic or sexual relationship.
Good thing you asked, actually. You may have noticed that I wrote another in the series of online dating, which may help you out.
Admittedly, one of your problems is Plenty Of Fish; speaking from personal experience, I have never once had a date off that site that didn’t go wrong. Usually quite violently and all over the place. Personally, I’d recommend ditching that and sticking to OKCupid.
(No, I don’t get paid to shill for them. But I’m totally willing to consider it, hint hint…)
As for the troubles you’re encountering… well that’s where online dating is exactly like offline dating. You’re going to meet a number of crazies and there will be plenty of times where you’re making all the effort for a minimal return. The best thing to do (besides reading me, natch) is to treat online dating like dynamite fishing. Toss out messages to anyone who seems even remotely interesting or attractive to you instead of trying to pick out just one or two “perfect” matches. Your keyword here is “variety”, not “exclusivity”. People misrepresent themselves (often unintentionally) online, and you might be surprised to find that the ones you initially overlooked are a lot closer to what you want that you ever realized.
A little side-note: I’ve been leaving names off these letters for obvious reasons of privacy. If you want your name listed or feel the need to use a Savage Love-style acronym, feel free to let me know and I’ll try to accomodate you.