• Archives
  • Contact Me
  • The Secret Origin of Dr. NerdLove
  • Dr. NerdLove Store
  • Dr. NerdLove’s Affiliate Store

Paging Dr. NerdLove

Love, Sex and Dating For The Modern Nerd

Search The Archives

  • Books
  • Podcasts
  • The Grimes Test
  • Ask Dr. NerdLove
  • The Basics
  • Private Coaching
  • Contact Me

Find Your Archetype

February 6, 2012 by Dr. NerdLove 35 Comments

« Previous 1 2 View All Next »

Let’s take a moment to do a thought experiment.

Look in the mirror. Now back to me. Now back to the mirror.  Now back to me.1

Tell me what the first thing that comes to mind that describes who you see. Don’t think about it, just one word off the top of your head that describes the type of person you see in the mirror.

Keep that word in mind. We’ll be coming back to it in a little while.

Now tell me: what image comes to mind as soon as you hear the word “nerd”?

Probably something like this:

… only, y’know, without the hot chick.

 

What about “geek”? Something along the same lines, no? Not exactly something to set hearts to racing and loins on fire, now is it?

Nerds, meet your God...
Mr. Wheaton disagrees with you, sir.

A little infuriating, isn’t it? In this day and age, when geek culture is in it’s ascendency, the general concept of “geek” or “nerd” is sold to the public as one of social awkwardness, a personality that seems to have been compiled from a checklist of Asperger’s Syndrome symptoms, slovenly habits, poorly-fitting clothes and a complete and utter lack of sex appeal. You say you’re a geek  – or worse, look like one and people immediately flash to these negative impressions built up for years via popular culture.

That’s stereotyping for you; wrapping up a wide and various culture within a few stock ideas of how we look and act.

Clearly, if you want to have any success in dating, you’ll have to hide the fact that you’re a geek, right? The stereotype of the geek is just too much to overcome.

Nope.

In fact, it’s time to make stereotypes work for you.

Wait, What?

Let’s be honest: no matter how much we’re taught that stereotyping others is wrong, we all do it. We’re taught that we’re supposed to evaluate everybody on the content of their character and who they are as a person rather than proceed with preconceived notions based on outward appearances. And yet, that’s exactly what we do anyway. We make snap-judgments about people within a few seconds of seeing them and those initial judgements color how we respond at first. That guy in the stained hoodie and shredded jeans with the ratty beard and unkept hair may well be a Nobel-winning physicist, but if you saw him hanging around a street corner, your brain immediately snaps to “homeless man.”

Unless you live in Austin, anyway.

The fact of the matter is, humans are built for pattern recognition. We associate certain trends or looks with particular behaviors. It’s part of how we survived long enough to develop civilization, and those instincts are still with us. Our initial attraction to people is often built on those outward looks; it’s part of how we filter out the world. You can’t tell from a glance whether that cute girl hanging out on the couch at your friend’s party is a Rhodes scholar or if she’s as dumb as a post, but we’ll backfill the justification for our attraction later as we get to know them.

We may want people to judge us based on who we are inside, but that can take time – time we don’t always have or, frankly, want to spend on people we may or may not want to get to know. And so we go with our gut, basing our initial impressions on outward characteristics.And thus: stereotypes.

We do it to ourselves, too. Let’s face it: we’re pack animals; we willingly segregate ourselves into certain “types” and adopt the uniform of that type as part of how we demonstrate our association with the group. By doing so, we adopt it as part of our identity and we take on the aspects of that association… including the gut-reactions that people have to that type, for good or for ill. To a certain extent, we choose the stereotypes we fit into.

Stereotyping doesn’t have to be bad, though; in fact, you can make stereotyping work in your favor if you know how.

Still, stereotype has become a loaded word with negative connotations. So don’t think of it as stereotyping yourself’.

Think of it as finding your archetype.

Who Are You?

Let’s get back to that thought experiment.

I want you to describe yourself in one or two words. I want to know who you are and who you want to be, distilled down to your very essence via a word or two off the top of your head. Think about those words. What are they? Writer? Parent? Player? Artist? Musician? Joker? Biker? Goth? Business man? Hold onto that thought for a moment. We’ll come back to it.2

For now, let’s talk about archetypes.

Archetypes are symbols, the prime model of concepts, personas or people. When we think of “rock star”  we have a very distinct image that represents the concept. Similarly, when we think “movie star”, we have an instinctive idea of what one looks like and acts like. We associate particular looks and behaviors with archetypes; those archetypes in turn have emotional responses associated with them as well. By harnessing the power of the archetype, we can directly influence how people see us and react to us.The more you resemble the archetype, the more that people will associate you with that archetype. By modeling yourself towards that archetype you influence how others see you… and how they respond to you.

So let’s get back to the words you used to describe yourself. Think about it for a moment – is that who you are, or at least who you want to be? Even if you’re not there yet, is it something you’re striving towards? That model of who you want to be: that’s your archetype.

So now that we have an idea of who you are, let’s start the process of modeling your look on the outside to match that of your archetype – who you are on the inside.

Related Posts

  • Avoid Dating BurnoutAvoid Dating Burnout
  • Dating 101: How To Meet Women (Without Being Creepy)Dating 101: How To Meet Women (Without Being Creepy)
  • Episode #67 – Understanding Toxic MasculinityEpisode #67 – Understanding Toxic Masculinity
  • Men Behaving Badly – Street Harassment And Cat-CallingMen Behaving Badly – Street Harassment And Cat-Calling
  • Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Can I Stop Hating Myself?Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Can I Stop Hating Myself?
  • Ask Dr. NerdLove: Trigger WarningsAsk Dr. NerdLove: Trigger Warnings
  1. Sorry, I couldn’t help myself [↩]
  2. I know a few of you have picked “loser” “dweeb” or “pathetic”; I refer you back to this post about labels and how they become self-reinforcing. You can be a loser or a dweeb… or you can take responsibility for your life, spend the time and effort and make yourself incredible. [↩]

« Previous 1 2 View All Next »

Share21
Tweet
Pin2
23 Shares
Pages: 1 2

Enjoy my work? Want to help support the site? Consider becoming a patron!



If you want dating advice you can take on the go, be sure to check out and if you enjoy them, please don't forget to give a review on Amazon and Goodreads.

And thanks, I can't do it without you.

Our Sponsors

About Dr. NerdLove:

Harris O'Malley (AKA Dr. NerdLove) is an internationally recognized blogger and dating coach who gives dating advice to geeks of all stripes. Making nerds sexier since 20011

Remember: Dr. NerdLove is not really a doctor. [Read More …]

Connect With Dr. NerdLove

  • Facebook
  • Instagram
  • RSS
  • Twitter
  • YouTube

Categories

Like Us On Facebook

Facebook Pagelike Widget

Become a Dr. NerdLove Patron

Virtual Tip Jar

private coaching is available at doctornerdlove.com/private-coaching

Out Now!

My new dating guide, New Game + is available at Amazon.com , iTunes and everywhere books are sold.

Recent Comments

  • gentlemanjohnny I remember Doc has an article somewhere about celebrity role models. I think it was more fashion oriented but if you need a "looks don't matter" role model, there are plenty of them out there. Here's...

    How Do I Date When I’m This Ugly? ·  February 24, 2021

  • Dan Brodribb LW1, one of the best gifts from my most challenging relationship was understanding that being practical and being vulnerable aren't mutually exclusive, in spite of the temptation to sacrifice one on...

    We Only Just Met. Can We Make a Long Distance Relationship Work? ·  February 22, 2021

  • rullerofallmarmalade Lw2 if you have 40$ to spend I highly recommend signing up for CreativeLive.com for a month. What you are essentially asking is “how do you photography well” which is a very long and complex...

    We Only Just Met. Can We Make a Long Distance Relationship Work? ·  February 22, 2021

  • rullerofallmarmalade Lw 1 wether or not you guys stay together and make it work or not my advice is about you. I strongly encourage you to go to a therapist and start developing better coping skills for seeking...

    We Only Just Met. Can We Make a Long Distance Relationship Work? ·  February 22, 2021

  • Gale I can see and appreciate the Doc's perspective on LW1's situation, but having been in an eerily similar situation, I have the urge to very dramatically slow-motion run towards the LW and push her out...

    We’re Growing Apart. What Do I Do? ·  February 22, 2021

Popular Posts

What Couples Can Learn From Gomez and Morticia AddamsWhat Couples Can Learn From Gomez and Morticia Addams
Socially Awkward Isn’t An ExcuseSocially Awkward Isn’t An Excuse
Nerds and Male PrivilegeNerds and Male Privilege
On Labeling Women “Crazy”On Labeling Women “Crazy”
When Masculinity Fails MenWhen Masculinity Fails Men

Archives

Tags

abusive relationships ask dr. nerdlove attitude attraction be a better man be a better person boundaries break up cheating communication confidence dating Don't Be A Creeper emotional abuse emotional health emotional intelligence flirting level up lifestyle masculinity Meeting Women mental health oneitis online dating podcast podcasts rejection relationship maintenance relationships self-esteem self-improvement self-limiting beliefs sex sexual compatibility sexuality skills social skills talking to women the friend zone toxic masculinity toxic relationships use your words virginity what not to do youtube