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Making The Approach
This is the part that usually psychs guys out the most. It’s one thing when you’re approaching a woman on her own, but having to talk to a group of girls – or girls and guys – can really throw you off. The problem is that you’re seeing it as a large number of people, each of whom has an (imagined) reason to shoot you down or freeze you out. Instead, you want to treat the group as a gestalt whole.
Much like approaching a single woman, guys tend to think they need an excuse to start talking to a group for fear of signalling that you’re interested in someone and appearing too eager. This is part of why indirect opening lines are so popular, especially in PUA communities; they’re a way of pretending that you’re not trying to chat one particular person up while coming up with a quasi-legitimate reason to be talking to them. Common ways of starting a conversation with a group using indirect methods include:
- “Hey, did you all see the fight outside? These two dudes just started whaling on each other and one guy’s girlfriend got in the mix… it was crazy!”
- “Hey, I need an opinion; do drunk I love you’s count/what’s the greatest chick flick of all time/who lies more men or women?”
- “Hey, you’re very tall. I point out the obvious, it’s kind of my thing.”
- “Do you believe men and women can have sex and still be friends?”
Personally, I’ve found I prefer being direct. My usual approach for a group depends on the context; in a party or other venues (school events, mixers) where conversation is expected or encouraged, it’s acceptable to just jump into the conversation at an appropriate spot. Other times, especially back when I was a fixture on the bar scene, I would go up to a group with a friendly smile and just introduce myself. “Hey, you all seem like you’re cool… are you friendly?” Wait for the answer (almost always will be “yes”), then follow up with “My name’s Harris.”
Occasionally I’d vary it up; another favorite was “Hey guys, you all seem like you’re cool. Please tell me you’re talking about something interesting. My friends are talking about derivatives/social network gossip/Vampire Diaries and I’m about to shoot myself out of boredom.”
There would be other times when I might catch enough of the conversation to have an opinion and I’d step in saying “Hey, I couldn’t help but overhear that you’re talking about…” and make my way into the conversation, introducing myself soon afterwards.
Ultimately, much like with approaching a person one-on-one, your opening line really doesn’t matter. It’s not a cheat code that automatically gets people to like you, it’s just a way of getting people to talk to you in a socially acceptable way.
At this point, you want to be addressing the group as a whole; if you zero in on the person you like right off the bat, you’re going to trigger everybody’s protective instincts and the odds are very good that they’re going to close ranks and squeeze you out. Your goal should be to engage the group and getting them interested in talking to you.
Establish Relationships
Once you’re in – they’re talking to you, not giving you a one-word answer then turning their backs to exclude you from the group – you want to find out how everybody is connected. Are they a bunch of friends from college, or is this a bunch of co-workers out for drinks? Is that dude in the group somebody’s boyfriend, an orbiter, somebody’s brother, or just part of the group? Having an idea who is who and how they’re all connected serves two purposes. First, it gives you material to transition from – you want to be able to pivot the conversation in such a way that you can talk to the person you’re interested in. Second, it prompts everybody to introduce themselves to you, which goes a long way towards making them feel more comfortable; you’re not strangers now, you’re acquaintances. Third (and possibly most important) it helps you find out early whether any guys in the group are dating or otherwise have interest in the woman you like.
Get Them To Like You
Assuming that you’re interested in singling out one person in the group, you want to get the group’s general approval of you. You don’t have to become the life of the party; you just want them to like you well enough that they won’t actively try to cockblock you or otherwise squeeze you out while you’re trying to talk with the person you like.
The easiest way to this to start talking to them. You’re a stranger in a group of mostly established relationships and it’s easy to fall back out of the conversation and lose your emotional momentum by accident – so stay engaged. When you’ve established relationships, you want to transition to another topic – preferably one that will help you be able to talk directly to the person you like. There are any number of ways to do this; you can make a statement out of a question – “I bet you’re the instigator of the group.” You can start telling a story about something awesome that happened to you recently and bait people into asking you questions. You can make an observation about the group – sometimes legitimate, other times a cold read. Bring up recent events – a big concert, the Olympics, something in the local news. You want to be able to bring some value to the group – make them laugh, make them feel good, make them think – to help grease the social wheels that will make them think you’re a cool guy.