Hi Dr. NerdLove,
I’m currently struggling with dating (who would have thought) and specifically with how i could meet someone that I can form a romantic connection with.
I’m a 24 Year old Dude, never been in a relationship, never been on a date, helpless as to why I’ve only ever gotten negative response, blabla, millions of words of advice on your site and others. What I think makes my case a bit weird is that I take a very long time to become attracted to someone. I need to know the person first, and then I could maybe think about romantic attraction.
So far, when looking at dating advice the main thing seems to be “be upfront and immediately communicate what you want” as well as “just be yourself, do your thing, and you will meet someone”. Both of which don’t work for me. I can’t immediately communicate, because I honestly don’t know at that point, and being myself over the last years has proven to not work. I have a lot of very sweet, very nice friends who are women that I wouldn’t want to be without, but that the lack of having a girlfriend is starting to become more of a problem for me over time.
I’ve asked women out occasionally, asked someone to dance in a club, tried online dating because the intentions are clearer when you meet through a dedicated meetup-space. Things like sports clubs and common interests or common friend groups also have not led to any success so far. (that is: success in terms of finding dates).
My question boils down to: how do I meet women to be potentially attracted to if I am slow to be attracted and unlucky in my usual social circles?
Thanks for providing so much insight, hope to hear from you,
Slow Ride
First things first, SR: what you’re describing is known as “demisexuality”, where some folks don’t develop sexual attraction for somebody right off the bat. While demisexuality is something of a spectrum, demisexuals in general tend to feel what they call “secondary attraction” — that is, the attraction you feel after starting to get to know somebody. Many need emotional intimacy and connection before they start feeling sexual or romantic attraction. While demisexuals aren’t common, per se, it’s not unusual or unknown. I’d recommend heading over to the Asexuality Visibility and Education Network at asexuality.org to learn more. They have resources and forums that can help you connect to other folks like you and to help you understand more about your attraction patterns. Knowing that you’re not alone and that lots of other folks work the same way you do can go a long way towards improving your sense of self-confidence and self-assurance.
It’s also useful to have a name or label to apply to your sexuality, because not only does it give others insight into how you roll and to set their expectations accordingly, but it means you can adjust your approach to finding relationships. This can be helpful, in part because it seems like you’re trying to find dates and relationships in ways that may be counterproductive to who you are as a person.
I suspect part of the issue that you’ve had with dating in general and online dating in particular is that you’ve been approaching it as though you were “allosexual” — that is, as though you had a more typical pattern of sexual attraction. On top of the usual frustrations people face on dating apps, there’s the fact that you’re not ncessarily as interested, or even as motivated to match and meet people. That’s going to up the challenge level considerably, not just in terms of how you use the app, but the people you match with and the expectations that any potential matches may have of you.
Part of the problem, I think, is that you’re pushing yourself to try to adapt to an attraction pattern that doesn’t work for you. Asking people out on dates when you’ve just met them, especially on what’s known as a “cold approach” — that is, you have no social connection to them — isn’t going to work well for you. You aren’t necessarily attracted to them in the first place, which can affect how you come across to others, and I suspect that you may be just going through the motions rather than wanting to go on a date with them, specifically.
As a general rule, I think you would have a much easier time to focus on what are known as “warm approaches” — that is, talking to and getting to know people who are connected to your social circle. With warm approaches, you’re talking to people with whom you share friends in common — whether co-workers, friends from school or those women you mentioned whose friendship you value. This makes it much easier to strike up a conversation with them and to spend time getting to know them without the additional challenges that can come with talking to complete strangers.
In fact, your friends could well be your most valuable resource when it comes to meeting awesome, compatible women. Your friends know you and — presumably — know that you take time to develop attraction to others. You can let them know that hey, you’re interested in dating, you take time to warm up to folks and do they know anyone who they think you might vibe with? If you frame it as “getting to know folks you might get along with,” rather than people you would want to date right then and there, you take some of the pressure off to feel something for them immediately. That outlook makes it easier for you to take a little more time to get to know them and see whether or not you’d like to spend time with them. That’s time you could spend building an emotional connection to them, leading to sexual attraction.
At the same time, if you want to go the more traditional route or use dating apps, then it helps to lean into your sexuality. You know that you take time to develop attraction to folks. If you’re looking to meet people that you could see yourself having a relationship with, then you may want to prioritize meeting people you think are interesting or that you find compatible on an emotional level. These would be people you enjoy hanging out with, talking to, and, yes, going out on dates with. By prioritizing the emotional chemistry side of things, you’re make it much easier to meet people whose lifestyles, values and interests are compatible with yours. That, in turn, makes it easier to build the connection that leads to sexual attraction.
Now with that in mind, having that demisexual label makes it much easier to explain how you work. You’re a slow burn; you need to get to know someone before you start feeling sexual attraction to folks. Letting people know that up front is going to serve as a filter. There will inevitably be people for whom this type of relationship just won’t work. That doesn’t make them bad people or impatient or what-have-you; it just means that you and they aren’t compatible. Finding that out early means that they aren’t waisting your time and you aren’t wasting theirs. This is especially true with online dating; letting folks know that you’re demi in your profile makes it easier to match with the right people, while the others will swipe left.
Now this does mean that you may have to work a little more to find folks to date. Most folks are going to expect some degree of physical and romantic attraction right off the bat. That’s just a matter of numbers and demographics; there’re more folks who aren’t on the asexuality spectrum than who are. But there are folks out there — demisexual and not — who prefer taking their time and letting a relationship build instead of leaping into bed. They’re going to be looking for someone like you, someone who wants to take things slowly and build connection and trust and intimacy.
It can be a challenge, to be sure. But, as the saying goes: nobody said it was going to be easy. They just said that it would be worth it.
Good luck.
Hey Doc,
I’m 24 and male, mostly interested in women, and I feel like I’m in a weird place because I’m having trouble finding a committed partner. I feel like I’m a bit behind, and I’m not sure where to go from here.
I have a degree, I’m working towards my dream career, in my dream city, I have many friends, skills, and hobbies, and on the whole, the only thing that seems missing is a loving, committed partner.
I seek it out, and I do find connection, good connection even, and yet after a few dates, it always seems to end. They’re too busy, or they aren’t feeling it, or I’m not feeling it, and I’m back to square one in a month or less.
I feel almost “behind” in this respect, as I have old friends from College with years-long relationships, and others who are more committed and stable in this area of life than I am, and it feels like I’m doing something wrong. I do research connection-building quite a bit, but it hasn’t quite gotten me where I want to be yet.
Some would say I’ve not yet found the “right person,” but it really feels like I have, but it’s been the wrong time, or it’s my fault for not presenting myself “right.” I was also kind of an awkward nerd as a kid and into college. I didn’t have my first girlfriend until I was 22, and that lasted only two months, my longest relationship to date, and I was a virgin until 23, and I’ve never had sex with a partner, only a few casual encounters here and there. This makes me feel worse, because I feel like I’m not getting anywhere in building romantic relationships with others, and that frustrates me.
I guess my questions here are along the lines of “how do I do better?” How do I get myself in a place where I find partners trying to build something like I am? I try to date when I can, and seek out people I can talk to, and enjoy getting to know, but it seems like I’m still not quite getting it right…
-Too Old for this Shit.
I swear I’m going to have to sponsor a study about why so many guys think 24 is some sort of magic cut-off age. It comes up so frequently that it feels like a trend.
Anyway, that’s not the issue here. The issue you’re dealing with isn’t one of being ‘too far behind’ or ‘too inexperienced’, it’s about expectations. You’re working under the assumption that you’re on a particular timeline, where you’re “supposed” to have hit certain milestones by now — go to college after high-school, get a job after college and/or get an advance degree, get a relationship, get married, etc. The problem is that all of those milestones are not only self-imposed, but they’re not relevant. Expecting to hit certain events by certain ages isn’t based in some universal law about social development, it’s what some people think is normal… mostly white, upper-middle class folks, really. This narrative assumes that everyone is exactly the same, ignores any issues that might delay hitting those milestones and never stops to consider which ones are completely irrelevant to your life.
More to the point, however, is that you can’t really measure your life by how it stacks up to someone else’s. Yes, you have friends who have had years-long relationships… but you haven’t lived their lives. You have not experienced their life in the exact same time, in the exact same way as they had. People can point to Bill Gates and say “look, he founded a software company by the time he was in high-school”, but unless you had the same rich parents he did, got sent to a private school that let you skip classes in order to learn coding and did so at a time when access to computers was incredibly uncommon… you’re not going to be Bill Gates. The same thing applies to your friends and their social lives. They have had different lives from you, faced challenges you didn’t, had advantages that you didn’t (just as you had advantages they didn’t) and thus have had entirely different outcomes.
They aren’t “more advanced” than you or more established or whatever. They just had different lives. But that’s ok. You’re not following their track, nor are you expected to. You are living your life, at your pace, and with the advantages and disadvantages that you have had. You can only live your story, not anyone else’s. Trying to measure your progress by looking at other people is just a recipe for frustration because they aren’t you. Trying to be someone you aren’t is doomed to fail. You need to focus on living your life.
You’re working under the assumption that you need to make up for lost time and you really don’t. You’re still learning about who you are, what you want and who’s right for you. You may have started later than you would’ve preferred, but let’s be honest: you weren’t ready before now. You had to work on other stuff to get to this point and that’s fine. You had your first girlfriend at 22 and that only lasted a couple months. That’s not a failure, my dude, that was a learning experience. Most people’s first relationships don’t last very long, no matter how old they are at the time. This has nothing to do with age or worthiness or anything else and everything to do with it’s your first relationship. Dating and relationships are skills; you aren’t going to be an expert right out of the gate. More often than not, you’re still figuring out what you want and what you need from a partner. You may think you know, yes… but there’s a difference between what you want and what you need. Sometimes the two line up and that’s great. But often they don’t. Part of the dating experience is learning to differentiate between the two.
And hey, that’s fine. That’s normal. A lot of learning about yourself involves figuring out that what you think you want doesn’t actually work for you. Back when I was starting out and I joined the pick-up scene, I thought I needed to be the Bars And Clubs Guy and spent several years doing just that. But hey, turns out the people I actually wanted to sleep with and to date weren’t the folks I met at bars and clubs. It took time and experience to develop that self-awareness; once I understood I was — quite literally — looking for love in all the wrong places, I was able to adjust things accordingly and was much happier all around. Would it have been nice to figure all that out sooner? Sure. But that’s not how it played out for me.
Same with discovering I have ADHD as an adult. If I’d gotten diagnosed earlier in life, things would’ve been different. But I didn’t. That created challenges for me that a lot of my other peers didn’t have to face. But again: their journey wasn’t my journey and my journey has taken me to places they couldn’t go. Just as it is with you.
Another thing to realize is that while you may be a late bloomer, that’s not necessarily a bad thing. While pop culture may tell us that high-school’s supposed to be this sublime social experience… it really isn’t. It’s honestly the worst time to try to date. You have little agency over your own life, you have no life experience to speak of, you have no idea who you are as a person so you’re trying to figure out your identity while also dealing with all the hormonal changes in your body and trying to figure out social roles that are constantly changing. You’re always excessively tired, anxious, confused and feeling like you’re about to destroy your entire life, but you don’t know how.
It’s less of a beautiful coming-of-age story and more “trying to survive four years in gen-pop at Rikers”, really.
The fact that you had a later start than others doesn’t put you at a disadvantage. What it does mean is that you have more self-knowledge, more self-awareness and more self-knowledge than a lot of your peers did when they started dating. That means that you’re not going to be fumbling around the same ways they were or having to live through as many mistakes and misadventures… which aren’t all the “fun, character-building” kind. You’re in a position to make fewer errors and fewer bad choices than they did and get to where you want to be faster than they did, with fewer false starts. It functionally means that you need a shorter runway than they did.
And if we’re being honest…you ain’t doing half-bad for yourself, my dude. You’ve had a short term relationship and a handful of casual hook-ups. That’s pretty good, especially for someone who’s just starting out. That’s not a sign that you’re doing badly, that’s a sign you’re doing better than you realize. Give yourself a bit more credit, man; that’s a very respectable beginning. But just as importantly, the thing to realize is that the numbers don’t mean what you think they do. You aren’t more or less developed for not having a years-long relationship or a string of ex-girlfriends. Lots of exes isn’t automatically a sign of progress. It could be an indication of a problem that needs to be resolved. Or it could just be how that person rolls; some folks are more wired for serial monogamy and short term relationships.
Which brings us back to your question: “how do you get better?” Well… you do what you’re currently doing: you meet people, you ask them out on dates, you see what happens. The thing you don’t seem to realize is that while it feels like you’re Doing It Wrong, somehow, you really aren’t. You’re learning. You feel like you met the right person but it didn’t work out… well, yes. That’s how it goes sometimes; right person, wrong time, wrong place. You can’t control that. It’s just part of life. As a wise man once said: it is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That’s not weakness. That’s life.
What you learn in those circumstances is what matters. And one of the most important things you can learn is that there is no one right person. There are many right people out there, and who is right for you and who isn’t can and does change. It’ll change with who you are at this moment and where you are in life. It’ll change as you grow in life and social experience and with circumstance. You’ll also learn that some people who may be right for you in this moment won’t be right for you down the line as you grow and change. That’s fine. By that same token, you’ll often find that people who weren’t right for you back in the day will be right for you in the future. You can’t predict who those will be, you can’t control the whens and hows of it. You just learn how to roll with it as it happens.
Similarly, you’ll run into more people who aren’t right for you than who are. That’s just dating. Part of dating isn’t just figuring out what you want, it’s finding the people who are a good match for you. Sometimes you’ll figure that out early on. Sometimes you don’t. Again: that’s part of the individual journey, not a sign of who’s better/ more advanced/ falling behind. It’s all part of your own, unique story.
So stop beating yourself up for no reason TOFTS. You aren’t falling behind, you don’t need to “make up for lost time” or anything else like that. You just need to continue doing what you’re doing: living your life, meeting awesome people, going on dates and seeing what happens. You’ll date some folks, you’ll pass on others. You’ll have short term relationships and longer term ones. It’s all part of the process, and you’re doing far better than you give yourself credit for.
So tell your jerkbrain to shut the hell up and to stop dripping poison in your ear. You’re having more success than you realize, and I suspect you’ll find that it’s going to pay off for you sooner, rather than later.
Good luck.