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“You know, I’m kind of a big deal…”
Nerds are notoriously bad at singing their own praises. Some of this comes from having been raised with the (selective) cultural mores that insist that anyone who boasts about their own accomplishments is an obnoxious narcissist. Some of this reluctance to emphasize their own good points comes from the belief that their accomplishments are somehow worth less or less praise-worthy than others; after all, who gets celebrated in our culture, the sports hero or the brain? Then there are those who lack faith in their own self-worth; why should you brag about yourself when you have nothing to brag about, after all?
The problem, though, is that sometimes being able to brag about yourself is a good thing. After all, when it comes to the dating world, you want people to understand that you’re awesome and they should get to know you because you’re awesome.
But how are you supposed to convey your awesomeness without showing off a little? How are you supposed to let people know that you’re money if all you can say is “Well, I guess I’m ok…”
You need to quit being so afraid of being willing to believe that you’re incredible and you’re not afraid to say so. You just need to learn how to do it without coming off like a complete asshole.
Why Do You Need To Brag?
Let’s take a moment to talk about confidence.
I’ve said over and over again that confidence is one of the most attractive attributes in people, regardless of whether their male or female. Confidence is an outward sign that somebody has faith in themselves and trust in what they have to offer. It shows in their body language, in the way they relate to others, in the way that they talk to others. They radiate security and accomplishment because they take pride in they’ve done and what they know they can do.
Confidence is one of those areas where lots of little things contribute to a more attractive whole. Unfortunately, it’s also one of those areas where little things can betray a lack of confidence and bring the rest of the issue into question. Having pride – and being willing to admit to having pride – in yourself and your accomplishments is one of them.
It’s understandable why people – nerds especially – are loathe to indulge in a little crowing about themselves; everybody knows somebody that can’t stop talking about how amazing they are and how they’re just King Shit of Fuck Mountain. They’re the ones who remind us that “great” is sometimes spelled G-R-A-T-E. Nobody wants to be that guy. Nerds and geeks frequently define themselves in opposition to the people around them – when all the jocks, queen-bees and other assorted assholes who make your life miserable are the ones who’re proclaiming their glory to anyone who will listen, it’s only natural that we work to be as unlike them as possible.
The problem is when you take it too far in the other direction. It’s fine that you don’t want to make a fuss about maybe being more gifted with facial symmetry than your classmates or the fact that you’re smarter than the average bear, but when you qualify everything good about you with “well… I guess I’m a little…” or “people say I’m…” it doesn’t read as “modesty”. It reads as “low self-esteem”. It tells people that you don’t believe in yourself and in all the amazing things you have to offer other people – and if you don’t believe in it, why in hell should they? It makes you incongruous with the image you’re trying to project; you may have that confident body language that says you know what you’re worth, but when you can’t back up the look with being able to speak with authority about your good points, you’re going to confuse people. At best you’ll come across as someone who’s trying to project an air of false modesty… which most people will take as arrogance.
This is one area where assholes have it all over nerds; they have no problem telling everybody how awesome they are. They may be a raging bundle of entitlement issues, but they have no problem believing in themselves and making sure that other people know it too.
Selling Yourself vs. Bragging
Imagine this if you will: you’ve just landed an interview for your dream job. You’re in your snazziest suit, sitting in that well-upholstered chair while the head of HR is looking over your resume. She nods to herself, folds your resume down and looks you square in the eye. “So,” she asks, “why should we want to hire you?” You need to wow her. You need to impress her. This is not the time to say “Well, I’m not sure…” You need to be able to explain exactly why you’re perfect for that job… and this means no hemming and hawing and disqualifying yourself by saying things like “I guess I’m ok at $SKILL”
Think of being willing to brag a little as advertising. When a company is selling a product, they want to make sure that you – the prospective customer – understands that their product is the greatest thing in the history of things. Nobody starts off their commercial with “PRODUCT_X is alright we guess. I mean, it’s not terrible, but there’s a lot out there that’s better. But we’re pretty good… kind of.” That sort of thinking sabotages the product in the customer’s mind right off the bat. If you were to try to suggest that your company should open a marketing campaign with the slogan of “WE’RE TOTALLY ADEQUATE!”, you’d be lucky if security wasn’t instructed to toss you out the door head first.
If you’re trying to sell a product, you want them to know that this product is what they’ve been looking for, even if they didn’t realize it. You want people to realize that your product will enhance their lives in wonderfully sexy ways. You want them to understand just how superlative your product is, especially compared to the competition’s inferior versions. You want to say “yeah, we make a lot of promises… but we can back ’em up too.”
Not to drive a metaphor into the ground, but when it comes to dating, you are the product. When you’re talking to someone you’re attracted to, you’re essentially marketing yourself to them. You want them to realize that a relationship with you is the best possible thing that could happen to them – all those other guys or girls out there are inferior knock-offs. It’s great to want people to discover who you are and what makes you a wonderful person… but you have to get them interested in investing the time and effort that it will take to realize your true depths. Very few of us are so amazing that we wear our awesomeness like a halo for all to see.
So you need to be willing to talk yourself up in a charming and attractive manner.
The Hierarchy Of Credibility
Part of the point of bragging is to highlight the value ((I actually hate using that word, even when it’s the only one that fits; value – in a social context – is a loaded term, and one that’s frequently misunderstood. There is no definition of social “value” that’s universally applicable; everybody doesn’t value the same things and trying to weigh every interaction by who has how much social value is a fast track to missing the point of the interaction in the first place.)) is you bring to the table. If you want people to be interested in you, sexually or romantically, you want them to understand what you have to offer. There are various ways to show off your value – and they vary in the level of how immediately credible they are. The credibility pyramid is as follows:
- Demonstrated
- Inferred
- Informed by Others
- Informed By You
Whenever possible, we want to demonstrate the skills or aspects that we would be bragging about. It’s one thing to say “I’m the best there is at pool” and another entirely to run the table. If you’re going to claim to be an amazing artist and follow it up with taking your date to your latest gallery show, you’re going to have vastly more credibility than the person who says he’s a writer and has “irons in the fire” but doesn’t have any published credits to his name. Incidentally, this is one of the reasons why you want to be very careful about curating your online identity. We live in a world that’s increasingly connected, and more and more people have instant access to Google – and they’re not afraid to use it. People will check out who you are by searching online. If you’re not taking charge of how you’re represented online, other people are going to do it for you… and this can very well screw you over.
Inferred means allowing others to draw their own conclusions based on the available evidence. If you roll up in a sharp suit and driving a luxury sports coupe, for example, people will tend to assume that you’re successful. If you present yourself in a certain way – your sexy stereotype – you inspire a reaction in others based on how you appear. Of course, you’d better be able to back up your inferences, otherwise you’re going to find yourself dealing with some unpleasant backlash.
This, incidentally, is part of why pre-selection works so well as an attraction switch, especially with women; the presence of other women in your life infers that they find you attractive and want to spend time with you – ergo, you have something to offer that may not be immediately obvious.
It’s Not Bragging if They Ask First
Storytelling is actually an excellent way of bragging about yourself without actually bragging; you just have to bait others into asking first. Storytelling allows for unanswered questions, those little niggling details that you want filled in for the sake of closure. It’s one thing to tell a story about how you were late to the airport because your Porsche broke down and you almost missed your flight out to San Tropez with your model ex-girlfriend who was going there for a photoshoot and while you were there you ended up hanging out with Kanye West when the two of you were invited to a party at the Cannes film festival. You don’t actually sound cool; you sound like someone who’s trying their damndest to appear cool. You’re coming off as someone with something to prove.
It’s another to talk about how you had a crazy week because your now-ex-girlfriend was going to France for work and she invited you to come, but your car broke down and you almost missed the flight, but the trip ended up being awesome because you got introduced to some cool people at a party.
Now instead of sounding like somebody trying desperately impress people, you’re peaking their curiosity with all of these little unanswered questions. What happened to your car? “Well, it’s a Porsche. They’re cool and all, but they spend a LOT of time in the shop.” Where were you going in France? “We were going to San Tropez, on the Cote-Du-Azur”. What did your girlfriend do? “Well, she was a model and this was her first major shoot for a fashion magazine”. What was up with the party? “Well, we ended up going to this after-party in Cannes that her company was throwing and we ended up hanging out with some celebrities who were there. It was crazy, but Kanye West’s surprisingly friendly and down-to-earth.”
Is it a lot to swallow? Yeah. But at the same time, you’re not coming off as bragging – they asked for the details, which changes the framing of the delivery of all those cool points.
To be sure, not every story has to be that over the top to be “cool”, but if you’re going to brag about things – your new car, your awesome job, the fact that you’re a World Series of Poker finalist – subtly baiting others into asking you to provide the details helps eliminate the stigma from boasting about yourself.
There Is No “You” In Narcissism
The key to successful bragging without coming off as a jerk is to avoid comparative bragging. When you say “I’m the smartest person in the room”, or “I’m the best that’s ever been,” you’re insulting people. You’re claiming to be superior to others and this automatically puts people on the defensive. Even when you’re not actively including the person you’re bragging to, you’re setting up a comparison to them, and that turns them off. They are more likely to feel that you’re judging them too… even if you don’t intend to. It carries the inference that life is a zero-sum game; whatever you’re good at means that others are by definition worse. Small wonder that people have a negative reaction to it.
There’s a difference, however, between saying “I’m better at X than anyone else” and “I’m good at X”. It doesn’t trigger a defensive reaction in others because it’s not exclusionary; telling someone about your being good at, say, pinball, doesn’t carry the automatic inference that the person you’re talking to must therefor suck at it. “I’m prettier than you” carries an element of judgement and comparison; “I’m pretty” allows that other people are pretty as well. Being non-comparative allows you to highlight your good points in a way that people are more likely to accept.
It also makes it harder to disprove; claiming to be the best at something invites immediate competition. If you claim to be the best at dancing only to get smoked by somebody else at the club, you lose credibility and face at the same time; you’re hemorrhaging social value because you were writing the metaphorical checks your ass couldn’t cash. You look like a liar and a fool – not exactly attractive aspects in a person.
An air of humor and humility is important as well; it’s one thing to be proud of something, but another entirely to think that being good at something makes you inherently better on the whole. It’s good that you’re at the top of the leaderboards on Trials HD, but carrying the attitude that everyone else should prostrate themselves before you is unattractive. A little head-nod towards humility – “I don’t mean to brag, but I’m actually really good at this…” – goes a long way towards defusing an instinctive mistrust towards bragging. Treating your bragging rights as something amusing rather than something that demands acknowledgement makes it easier for others to take – especially if it’s something that might otherwise make you seem obnoxious.
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