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The Cell Phone Escape Clause
The cell phone has been a boon for modern dating. It’s opened up new forms of instant communication that allow people to connect, flirt and build a connection without the anxiety that sometimes comes with calling somebody you’ve only just met. It also opened up new ways of getting out of dates that are spiraling miserably into a singularity of boredom and banality so dense that the most intense sexual attraction can’t possibly escape.
For example: the cell phone escape clause: you get a phone call from a co-conspirator at a designated time. If the date’s going well, you don’t answer or give the pre-arranged code that everything’s fine. If it’s going horribly, then suddenly you have an unexpected “emergency” that you absolutely must attend to, so sorry, got to go, I’ll call you later, ok?
(SPOILER ALERT: no she won’t.)
Let’s get this out of the way early: everybody knows this trick. If you pull this trick on somebody, you’re basically insulting them to their face – not only are you saying that you find them so unpleasant that you can’t stand to be in their presence for a moment longer, but you also either think they’re so stupid that they would believe it. You’re better off just telling them straight that you see no point in continuing the date and leaving – at least it’s honest.1
- “What? An orphanage is on fire? I’ll be right there!”
In fact, this is the method I recommend: if you simply can’t make it through the date, you’re better off to be direct and cut things short.
If you simply can’t… well, just because everybody knows about the cell phone trick doesn’t mean that you can’t use it any more. You have to be clever about it. Hence: the modified version of the cell phone escape clause.
First of all, you either need a willing accomplice or an alarm app on your phone that uses your pre-existing ringtones and text alert sounds. If you have a smart phone, this is even easier; there are dozens of apps that fake phone calls, even ones that spoof the caller ID and call screen.
At a designated hour, you get the first text or call. Pull the phone out, glance at the caller ID and just put it back in your pocket. You don’t need to say anything… either your date will assume it’s something unimportant or else they will think that you’re passing on the Cell Phone escape. Bonus points if your phone has a tone for when someone leaves a voice mail. Then, about 10 – 15 minutes later, you get the second call from the same number.
This time, you look at the caller ID and say “Again? Sorry, about this; it sounds like this is important.” You answer your phone with noticeable impatience in your voice; after all, whomever is on the other end of the call is interrupting your date. You can tell them you’re busy, calmly talk them through the “emergency” and hang up. If you’re feeling especially creative you can always give them another number to call – as though you’re trying to be helpful but pass them off to someone else. There would be many times that I would pull out an auto-club card or the number of a taxi dispatch and pass it along. Then you hang up and make an apology to your date.
The third call – less than 20 minutes later – means that it’s an emergency that requires your personal attention. This is the point where you make your exit. Make your apologies and a brief explanation: the tow truck wouldn’t accept their credit card, taxis won’t stop in that neighborhood, your dog’s pregnant and has had complications birthing the litter, something, leave money for the bill and race out the door.
Yes, this means you’re spending upwards of 40 minutes longer with someone who bores you to tears and/or looks like the love child of a Shoggoth and a snub-nosed macaque. But let’s face it, if things were so bad that you couldn’t spend another moment in their presence, you would’ve excused yourself to the bathroom and crawled out a window.
Have a bad date story of your own? Did I miss your favorite get-out-of-date-free tactic? Be sure to share it in the comments and at the Dr. NerdLove Facebook page!
Related Posts
- Side note: there’s a difference between trying to escape a bad date and a date where you legitimately feel that your safety is compromised. If something about your date is making your spider-sense tingle, it’s better to get out early and worry about the social repercussions later. [↩]
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