Hello, Dr.NerdLove.
I am an 18 year old non-binary person. I am currently going through a lot of life changes. I moved countries to go to college, started living alone for the first time, and had to make friends, all on my own, while having social anxiety. These were all changes I was ready for. I prepared myself mentally to tackle them. However, I was not expecting one of them: to fall in love.
I made a friend in my “new life”. I don’t think I’ve connected so quickly to anyone before. Even though we’re in the same class, we only started talking through social media, while on a holiday break. We started talking because of both of us being asexual. We then started hanging out, and doing activities together, to the point where hanging out with each other outside of school is part of our routine. We share values, hobbies, and we understand each other’s issues. (Both of us being queer, having social anxiety, being neurodivergent, etc).
The more I spent time with him, the more I realized that what I felt was more than just platonic attraction. I now know that I definitely have romantic feelings for him. I think about him all the time, and want to share everything with him. I started noticing that I suddenly feel the urge to blurt out “I love you” while we’re hanging out. Or the urge to hug him, or lay my head on his shoulders. To buy him random gifts that I know he’ll appreciate. To be around him, even if we’re not doing anything together.
I was certain that I was aromantic before meeting him. Every time I had felt “romantic feelings” for someone in the past, I always ended up realizing that they were just platonic. But this time it’s different. And I’m so inexperienced that it’s very, very scary to think that I could lose this person by telling him how I feel.
I have rejection sensitive dysphoria, and that makes me terrified of the idea that he might reject my feelings and abandon me completely if I told him how I feel. There’s also the added factor that he’s pretty much the only “real friend” that I have in this new environment. I don’t want to risk the best friendship I’ve ever had; but at the same time, I feel like it’s physically painful to hold my feelings in for any longer.
I have a feeling that he might also be romantically interested in me. He’s told me things he’s told no one, we’ve talked about romance, and about doing long-term projects together. The other day, while at his house, he told me:
“You know, before I had the urge to go upstairs and tell you how happy I was that you were here, but I didn’t so I’m telling you now”.
(And he’s told me other things as sweet as this one before).
I am not very good at communicating. He is not perfect at it either, but ever since we started hanging out, he has constantly expressed that he likes my company, and that he likes hanging out with me more than he does with any of our other classmates. He has helped me through rough times, and he has helped me get out of my comfort zone.
But even then, how do I distinguish if he’s saying all these things out of platonic feelings, out of romantic ones, or out of both?
I really, really don’t want to make our relationship weird by confessing. But at the same time, I feel like he deserves to know how much I appreciate and love him. With both of us being asexual, a romantic relationship wouldn’t feel that different from a very close platonic one, so I’m not really that worried about being rejected romantically; I am just deeply terrified of losing him or making our relationship worse by confessing.
Do you think me telling him how much I love him will ruin our friendship? Is it worth the risk?
Thank you!
First Time Jitters
OK FTJ, I want to preface this by saying that what I’m about to tell you is likely going to sound dismissive and condescending at first. Trust me when I say that none of this is a value judgement, nor is it an indication of you being wrong, strange, misinformed, whatever. What I’m going to tell you is about age and experience, that’s all:
I doubt that you’re in love.
Don’t get me wrong: I’m not saying that your feelings aren’t real or valid, nor that what you feel isn’t intense and amazing and confusing. You absolutely are feeling what you feel and it’s as chaotic and terrifying and wonderful as you could ever want. But you’re also 18 years old and experiencing this for the first time and it all feels like what we expect love to feel like based on cultural osmosis, hormonal changes and mental development. However, that almost obsesssive, intrusive thoughts, that all-consuming passion that feels like it could boil over at any moment and make you blurt out things you don’t intend to say?
What you’re describing is what’s known as “limerence” – a feeling of intense infatuation that includes persistent intrusive thoughts and fantasies about the other person, emotional dependence, a profound longing of reciprocation, intense fear of rejection and more than a little awkwardness and shyness around the person you’re infatuated with. It’s not love, so much as a particularly intense crush, and it’s often people’s first real experience with these sorts of feelings… and so it’s very easy to mistake for love.
Part of what makes the difference between love and limerence is the type of feeling. People experiencing limerence will often feel the need for the other person to be “complete”; that this person will fix them or change them. They often invest so much in the other person – both in terms of their feelings, but also in their time and actions – that they end up neglecting themselves and their own needs and just “lose themselves” in the feeling because… well, isn’t that what love is supposed to be like? There’s also the way the intensity of feelings differ; people who are experiencing limerence tend to feel “the thrill of the chase” or the pursuit of the relationship more intensely than folks falling in love, in part because the person experiencing limerence feels the need for that person’s approval and validation so strongly.
Similarly, people who are experiencing limerence tend to feel much less secure and much more nervous and apprehensive about the person they have feelings for because they often desperately crave reciprocation and approval. Thus they tend to look for any sort of evidence that their crush also likes them back, often to the point of trying to read the metaphorical tea leaves and divine meaning from incredibly subtle inferences. If you’re finding yourself trying to read intent and meaning from the exact tone and word choice, rather than just trusting in yourself to gauge how they’re feeling, then you’re likely experiencing limerence. And if you’re afraid to say anything because you have no idea what will happen… well, again: that tells you a lot about what you’re feeling. Especially when their not reciprocating your feelings seems like it would be the end of the world.
Limerence also tends to be a lot faster than love; love at first sight is usually limerence mixed with sexual attraction. While love can seem like it comes out of the clear blue sky sometimes, more often than not you can look and see how it’s been building through shared experiences and bonding.
So, yeah: I think you’re experiencing your first real brush with a massive crush and it feels both amazing and terrible (in the world-shaking sense of the word)… but I don’t think it’s love. If anything, it’s closer to what’s known as “New Relationship Energy”, when your brain pumps out elevated levels of oxytocin and dopamine at the start of a relationship. You are, quite literally, getting high off being around them. Limerence, however, happens without the relationship, and is paired with that anxiety/nervousness that isn’t found in NRE.
Now that doesn’t mean that this is somehow less than love or that feeling this way is a mistake or means anything other than you’re feeling these things. It doesn’t mean that you can’t or shouldn’t act on those feelings or that those feelings aren’t meaningful or legitimate. It just means that you want to be mindful of not just the differences, but in how it inspires you to act. One of the issues with limerence is that it’s very easy to hyperfocus on the other person’s good points and miss any warning signs or red flags; people deep in limerence often fail to notice red flags at all, dismiss them or rationalize them away because they’re so deep in the dopamine rush of the crush. People often over-commit or end up moving too fast because of how intense it feels, especially if they don’t have the experience of having gone through it before.
So all of that is to say: feel the fuck out of your feels. Enjoy this emotional ride on Space Mountain for what it is, with the attendant highs and plummeting lows that make it feel so extreme and fiery. But you want to keep your wits about you as best you can so that you don’t make mistakes that lead to a broken heart or worse.
With that all having been said, here’s not only what you should do about this, but some best practices that will serve you well both with this guy and in the future when you do fall in love with someone. As a general rule, I don’t like just confessing feelings for people. It makes for great drama in shoujo manga and CW teen dramas, but in practice it rarely works well. When you are confessing your feelings for someone, what you’re often doing is going to them and saying “here, see these feelings? I need you to do something about them…” and then handing them over. Now they have to decide exactly how they feel and what they want to do with those feelings and what sort of relationship they want to have (if any) with you. That is a lot to drop on someone all at once and it can be pretty overwhelming. In fact, it can actually prompt an immediate “no, thanks” – not because they aren’t interested or wouldn’t be willing to date you, but because it feels like such a massive question that it feels safer to stick to the status-quo.
Notice very carefully that I didn’t say “don’t do anything about this” or “don’t tell him how you feel, ever”; all I said was “don’t just confess your feelings”. There’s a better way to handle things, that conveys what you want to say without necessarily dumping your feelings in his lap to deal with.
You ask him out on a date. Not to just hang out or to get together some time, but an unmistakable, definite date. Asking someone for a date accomplishes everything you want. It lets your friend know that you’re interested in him in ways beyond friendship (people rarely ask folks out on dates if they’re not at least attracted to them), gives him a chance to decide how he feels without the level of pressure than a confession brings and it gives him something to say “yes” or “no” to. Instead of being asked “hey, here’s how I feel, what kind of relationship should we have?” asking someone on a date is asking them to explore the possibility of a relationship – to see if the compatibility is there along with the desire and interest. It’s a much easier lift – it’s just a date, not a decision that will dictate the next several weeks, months or years of their lives. And after all: the whole point of going on dates – in the early days of a relationship – is, in part, to see if the two of you would even work as a couple.
So rather than spilling your guts and saying “I love you” out of nowhere or dropping it on him like it’s this huge secret, say “you know I really have been enjoying our friendship and I would never want to lose that, but I think I’m interested in more. If you’re down, I’d love to take you on a proper date and see where this goes. If not, that’s ok; I value and appreciate our friendship too.” If he says “yes” then hey, yahtzee! You’ve got a date and a pretty reasonable measure of how he feels about you. If not… well, it’s gonna sting. Even the gentlest rejection is going to hurt a little, because it’s always a shame when someone you’re into doesn’t want to go on a date with you. But at the same time, you will at least have an answer. While it may not be the answer you hoped for, it’s still an answer. This means that you don’t have to speculate or wonder or ask “what if”; instead you can give yourself closure on this aspect of your relationship with him, let the crush be and be ready for when you meet someone who does want to go on a date with you.
Now, considering how he’s behaving with you and things he’s said? It sounds like he does care about you and he sounds incredibly sweet. I suspect that if you were to ask him out on a date, then he’d say yes. But even if he didn’t want a date, I think it’s clear that he cares deeply about you. It may not necessarily be in the way that you would prefer, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t care as best he can either. So, even if he were to turn you down, I think the worst you would have to expect would be a brief period of awkwardness before things settle back to normal. And while that awkwardness can be uncomfortable, it’s easily overcome; acknowledge the awkward, laugh about the awkward and just remember that the awkward is temporary. You can grit your teeth and get through it with minimal fuss.
But again: it sounds like he cares for you a great deal, so I think you have reason to expect a favorable outcome. And who knows? However asking him turns out, the fact that you did take the initiative and made your move is almost certainly going to be a powerful and encouraging experience and one that will make a positive difference in your life.
Just remember what I said: don’t lose your head over this or him. These feelings are intense, yes, but intensity doesn’t indicate depth, longevity or sincerity, nor that you need to act on them. What you’re feeling is a lot like love, but it’s not love. Not yet, at least. You will get there, I’m sure, whether with him or with someone else. But for now? Enjoy the ride without making more of it than it actually is.
And again: ask him out on a date, instead of just confessing. Getting in the habit of this will help you immensely now and in the future.
Good luck.