Estimated reading time: 19 minutes
Dear Dr. NerdLove:
I’ve been putting in a lot of effort lately to improve my love life, including working out and losing weight. I haven’t really noticed getting more attention from people I am interested in. Like, I can smile at someone in passing and she’ll smile back and maybe I compliment her tattoo or earrings or something and that’s all well and good. Kinda the same as it’s been there. Is that just confirmation bias? I have no idea. Dating apps are the same as they have always been. All the likes I get are just not my type.
I feel like I don’t meet many people that I would be interested in dating, even though I do leave the house and talk to people. I don’t think my standards are especially restrictive or that my type is unrealistic. I’d love for more chances to get rejected, but the spaces I tend to see attractive people in also happen to be very loud and crowded and not great spaces for a connection to form.
Like I get that change doesn’t just happen overnight. I understand that there are things I need to change in my life and with my relationship with myself. I think I’m struggling to manage the pressure of all the changes I need to (or at least think I need to) make. It’s a lot to deal with in addition to everything else I have to manage.
Right now, I’m in therapy. I’m journaling at least every week. I go to the gym. I have plans to go to Ren Faire and some other events here and there. I go out for trivia or karaoke. I introduced myself to some of my neighbors and have hung out with them a few times. I go to local music shows and have some friends in that scene. I’ve been plodding away at my guitar (a bit less lately but I still play pretty much every day).
I’ve also just been reorganizing and de-cluttering my home and getting my roof replaced. My house is a big investment, not just financially but in other aspects of my life. I want to live in a place that I’m proud to invite people into. Ideally, I want to share that home with a partner someday. I even have a guest bedroom that, should I ever have a live-in partner, would be theirs to do whatever they want with.
I know these things take time, and just because I’ve been at this for years doesn’t mean I’m working towards some magic finish line. I just feel like I’m not doing enough. I’m still only getting out to socialize once or twice a week. Maybe three if I’m particularly adventurous. Dancing in front of other people still makes my skin crawl, but I do sing karaoke even if I don’t know what the hell to do with my hands while I’m up there. I don’t really feel like I have much direction or purpose in life apart from what I’ve already talked about. Nothing I have tried has really made me feel like I was actually meaningfully contributing to something. I feel like I have a hard time just finding new things to do and new people to talk to in the first place. MeetUp is a totally dead app in my area, so I’m trying other avenues to finding social events.
The constant vigilance for things to do and the pressure to be better is a lot to deal with. It’s especially bad on days when I just don’t have the energy and then I feel guilty for not going to the show or falling asleep instead of going to karaoke. I still feel like I have to push and push and push harder and harder and harder to make myself better. To expand my social circles. To do really anything. I know that I need to push myself if I want anything to change at all.
Right now, it feels like most people are just more interesting than me. They have more diverse interests and hobbies and passions. I get that that sort of self-perception is less than helpful and probably sabotaging me to some extent. But isn’t there a grain of truth to it? I spend a lot of time not really doing much of anything either because my executive dysfunction has put me into a state of paralysis or I just like doing whatever non-social thing I happen to be doing. I sometimes feel like I’m stuck in my comfort zone, no matter how hard I try to push out of it.
At what point can I say that I’m doing enough? How do I know if I’m just standing around with my thumb up my ass? At what point do I know that I’m bringing enough to the table? Do I have to push myself even harder and sign up for more things and force myself out of the house every day? Or am I doing all the right things and I just need to give it time?
How Much Is Too Much?
Let’s talk motivation, HMITM, because the reason why you’re doing something is often as important as what you’re doing. One of the mistakes I see people make when they’re trying to transform their lives is that they put their focus on the wrong areas. Many times, what they end up doing are the “right” things – the things that they are, in theory, “supposed” to do. That is: they’re doing the things that they’re told that they should be doing, but not considering whether those things are actually right for them.
One of the ways this manifests is in trying to mold one’s life into an approximation of what people think will make them more attractive or desirable to women – trying to find the “right” job, the “right” hobbies, going to the “right” activities and so on. There’s a focus on whether this event or that style or this particular hobby is attractive to women or that women would think is cool, but never any actual thought as to whether that’s something they themselves would want to do if they weren’t trying to transform themselves.
The other thing is the way they go about trying to transform themselves. I think what underlies the struggles you’ve been describing is self-imposed pressure. It sounds like you’re treating this like you’re hearing the “time’s running out” music from Super Mario Bros, and that, my friend, is a recipe for burning yourself out but good. And part of that is that it sounds like you’re treating this like you’re being yelled at by a drill sergeant and then wondering why you’re constantly stressed and having a bad time. While there are times when an inner drill sergeant is useful, there are more times when what you need is a cheer squad; you need encouragement and positive reinforcement more than you need someone yelling “GET YOUR CANDY ASS TO THE CLUB, MAGGOT”.
There’s a lot to be said for single-minded focus, but frankly most of it is swearing at people for the damage they do to themselves in the process. Everyone who is even remotely serious about personal transformation and change will tell you that rest and recovery are vital parts of the process, not “rewards” for when you’ve done “enough”. No matter how hard you’re working at a goal, you’re going to hit diminishing returns if you are doing nothing but pursuing that goal. It’s ironic in its way: the more you try to speed to the end, the longer it ultimately takes and the less you’re going to be able to enjoy it when you get there.
Doubly so when you’re expending all your energy trying to push yourself when your body is saying “enough”, or when you’re in “constant vigilance” mode.
When you’re trying to change your life and be a better person – not necessarily different, but better – then what you want is to be trying to become your best, most polished self. Now that doesn’t mean that this person is exactly who you are now but shinier; sometimes a big part of that journey is to explore how much of what you do is out of habit rather than choice, how much is out of convenience rather than desire and how much you’re defining yourself by what you see as your “limits” rather than what you are actually capable of. Part of that authentic and polished self may be bringing forward parts of you that you didn’t know that you had, that you neglected or even discovered. But they should still be authentic to who you are, rather than what would make you into a prime example of Someone Else’s Idea Of Who You Should Be.
Take your house for example. Having a place you’re proud to invite people to is great, but your house is your home and that should be a reflection of you. One of the best ways to describe a home would be “you feel like you’re stepping inside the owner’s mind” – you step foot inside and say “oh, yes, this is HMITM to a tee.” That’s far more important than, say, having a home that would look like it could feature in a magazine or an Interesting Homes tour – or worse, like a hotel.
This applies to other aspects of your life as well, including the activities you puruse and the places you hang out. Are you trying to be the best version of you, or are you trying to fit into someone else’s expectations?
There’s a difference, for example, between going to a raucous bar because you’re someone who enjoys rowdy good times and going because you think that’s where you’re “supposed” to go to meet women. The same thing applies to picking up hobbies based on the perceived attractiveness to others, rather than something that actually speaks to you. The difference is one of authenticity and genuineness, as well as compatibility; if you’re not a club guy, then trying to force yourself into that mold is a bad idea. You’re going to have a bad time, and the people you meet are less likely to be compatible with you than if you went to some place that’s more in line with your personality and temperament. It doesn’t do you any good to be hitting the hottest dance club – even if that place has the highest concentration of conventionally hot women – if the archetype you most vibe with is the Bookshop Girl.
The same goes, in your case, for things like karaoke, dancing and the like. If those are things you enjoy and want to do more of, that’s one thing; if you’re doing them because you think this is something you “should” be doing, that’s quite another. It’s great if you’re trying to expand your horizons, but there comes a point where you should know if it’s something you want to keep doing, or if you’re only doing it out of a sense of obligation. Hell, even with something you do enjoy, that sense of obligation can rob the joy from it, simply because you’re doing it for the wrong reasons. Burnout is a thing after all, and burnout can hit the things you used to enjoy if you push yourself too hard for too long.
This is why it’s worth paying attention to the why as much as the what. Take the times that you don’t want to go out: instead of just trying to force the issue, it’s worth asking why you’re not feeling it and being honest with yourself about it. And to be clear: being honest doesn’t mean being brutal or mean. “I’m being a lazy little shitfuck” may be brutal but that’s not necessarily honest; sometimes the honest answer is “this takes a lot of emotional energy, and I’m tapped out right now.” So too is “Sometimes I have to force myself to go, but once I’m there, I have a good time”. That’s significantly different from “I don’t enjoy it but I should keep doing it because,” or “I want to enjoy it more but I have a hard time being in the moment because x, y or z”.
When you can understand what’s going on under the hood, you’re in a better position to do something about it. Some nights may well be a “I’ve been expending a lot of social and emotional energy and need to recover”, while others can be “I need a push to get started, but I’ll be good when I do.” In both cases, understanding the reason gives you the answer: taking a night off in the former and giving yourself a bit more of a push in the latter. If the answer is “I want to do more of this but this issue is causing me stress” then the next question to ask would be “ok, so how do I address this issue and how do I manage the stress?”
But making those changes and improvements requires having the resources to actually pursue and accomplish them. That can’t happen when you’re constantly pushing yourself past your levels of endurance and giving yourself no time to recover. It certainly can’t happen when you’re pushing in the wrong areas and then beating yourself up for “failing” – especially when “failing” means “not changing at superhuman speed”.
Here’s the thing: time isn’t running out. You don’t need to get this done by the end of the year. And more importantly, focusing on getting it done as quickly as possible mostly just leads either to sloppy results or burning yourself out long before you get there. There’s a reason why people say “slow is smooth and smooth is fast”; in this case, taking a more measured approach and giving yourself both more grace and more time is going to deliver much better results in a more efficient manner.
So give yourself a break. You’ve got more time than you think and some of that should be dedicated to rest and recovery. And while you’re taking that downtime, use the opportunity to examine those struggles the way I told you. That will help you find the best, most effective way to change… without taking on far too much in the process.
Good luck.
How do you say motivated to take part in society when the alternative is often better?
Using my own life, I joined an activity group five years ago. I have done everything: I have volunteered in four different roles whose results have been very well received by club members. By every definition, I have embraced the club and put myself out there. In five years, this has resulted in a brief romance with one woman and no current prospects.
The season is coming up and the sign up for the club trips soon and I did a lot of thinking and I realized that I don’t actually enjoy them all that much. It’s not that I haven’t tried. I have gone on six trips with the club over the past four years. I stress about who I am going to sit with on the bus or airplane, I stress about finding a roommate, I stress about who I am going to eat dinner with and with these trips being 25% more expensive than I can arrange on my own, decided I just don’t want to do it anymore. And, yes, that’s partly anxiety but it’s also that the demographics vary widely and the club ethos of “hang out with everyone” doesn’t really work when my goal is to make friends who will be friends outside the club and/or meet a romantic partner.
I enjoy the activity, and I have made friends in the group, but every time I go to a club social, I end up chatting with people that, frankly, I would never see again if they or I left the club and wonder why I bothered going.
I joined a slow book club that involves 2 hours of transit, sitting in an uncomfortable chair reading quietly for an hour and then socializing for an hour…so I can do that or I can sit in my comfy chair at home and just read my book. If there is nobody I am going to click with, frankly I’d rather just stay home.
I understand you should enjoy the thing…don’t join a yoga class if you don’t enjoy yoga, you cannot expect to succeed if you only joined to meet women… but if I am not going to connect with anyone, I’d rather hike/read/travel etc. by myself.
I did a group tour Camino and by third day (of six) I was leaving early so I could walk solo…two years later I did another Camino with my friend and it was lovely.
Do you see what I mean? If you give me the choice between travel with a romantic partner or close friend or solo, I will pick the partner/friend…but if you give me the choice of travel with randos or solo, I will pick solo.
I can’t meet my gal in my apartment but I also am having real trouble enjoying the underlying activity in and of itself and everything I do just ends up becoming another solo activity because that is simpler, easier and better…I have tried everything…so many groups…and I just end up wishing I’d done it myself.
How can I reframe these things to enjoy them more? or am I just doomed to not be much of a people person when it comes to acquaintances and just need a miracle to meet somebody?
Let Me Solo It
Let’s start with the obvious, LMSI: if you’re going to want to meet people, you’re going to have to go and meet people. That means that you’re going to need to socialize, participate and otherwise be part of society, even if what you’re hoping for is to meet someone who has a similar stray cat-esque “I want to emerge from my lair, enjoy companionship for as long as I can endure it and then slink back to my lair when I max out” relationship and attachment style as you.
And if you’re going to want to meet people, that means you’re going to have to go where the people are and spend time with them. If you want to make it possible to actually have relationships with these people, that means you need to start being able to actually enjoy the time you spend with them. It’s easiest to find like-minded folks at attending groups, meetups or venues that you also enjoy, which helps you enjoy the process of meeting folks overall.
That tends to fall apart when your preference is to do it all by yourself, or not go at all in the first place. The point isn’t just to travel, but to travel with a group. It’s not just to read a book but to read and socialize with other readers – especially with people who are reading the same book or similar ones to yours. The point is the activity… with people.
Now if you’re struggling to actually enjoy the “with people” part, then part of the way you solve this is to figure out what you’re bouncing off of and what to do about it. With your book club example, is the issue the commute and discomfort? Or is it you don’t like this particular style of book club? Would it be easier if there were one that didn’t require you to go out of your way to attend? Or perhaps one that was more of a “get together and discuss” right off the bat, rather than the silent-reading preamble? Have you tried finding something similar that’s closer to home? Or suggesting a venue with less uncomfortable seats?
(I’m not unsympathetic; I do a lot of work out of coffee shops and bars, and “I need the place to have chairs that won’t leave me unable to feel my ass” is a high priority if I’m spending longer than 15 minutes there.)
The same applies to things like your activity club. If the trips are such massive sources of stress and anxiety, you don’t need to go. I mean, I presume the trips aren’t required for membership in the group, and I doubt that you would be the only person who didn’t go. While some of what stresses you out is a little much – your seatmate, for example doesn’t need to be your bestest friend, just someone whose presence you can tolerate for the length of the flight – others, like the cost straining your budget are good reasons why you might pass this time.
And honestly, the pressure you put yourself under with the planning is more than the moment calls for. Picking a seatmate for the flight isn’t a life-or-death decision. You really don’t even need to talk to them for more than what’s absolutely necessary; load up some shows and podcasts on your phone, pop on your earbuds and either zone out or nap your way to your destination. The same goes for a roommate: if you can get along with them well enough to share space for a couple days, you’re fine.
I think the bigger question though, is have you really dug into why you prefer solo trips versus going with the group? Is it just the stress of planning? Do you feel like you’re held back by the group or not doing the activities you’d prefer? The more you can put your finger on what it is that makes doing these things by yourself more appealing, the easier it is to find a way to adjust… or to decide if maybe the problem is that you’re in the wrong group.
The point that you bring up about the groups of randos and the “hang out with everyone” ethos makes me wonder if the issue is the group, or if you’re not quite giving people a chance. I’m not entirely sure I see the conflict between “everyone hangs out” and “I want to meet someone I would be friends with outside of the group”. Having been on many group tours and trips, while yes you want to stay with the group, I can tell you from experience that people tend to find the folks they vibe with and cluster with them. Even in large groups, people tend to form their own sub-groups with the people they get along with; they’re not forced to circulate so that they distribute their social attention equally.
So I wonder if some of this is self-inflicted pressure, rather than a dictate from on high, or if it’s another case where your anxiety is getting out of control.
But this is where we come back to “are you able to zero in on precisely what the problem is”, so that you can address it. If the problem is the people, then is it that they’re not the right people? Or is it that you’re not connecting with them instantly? Is it that you don’t actually like them – whether through differences of taste, personality conflicts or what – or just that you don’t know if you have enough in common with them? How much of a chance do you give people to grow on you, and how many people do you just wave off?
Without knowing more, the best reframing I could give you is simple: people are often more fascinating than you would expect, and you should be curious about them. If you give people a chance, they’ll often surprise you with their hidden depths or aspects that you wouldn’t have expected from them. And many times, even people who aren’t really your “type”, as it were, are opportunities for growth and learning, exploring or discovering things that you might not have tried otherwise. And that goes both ways; you may well be the vector for some of the people you meet to discover things that they would not have tried or enjoyed otherwise. So while you may not have a lot in common at the start, that can change… if you let it.
A group trip, even more than social events, is a great opportunity to get to know folks better simply because you are going to be spending a great deal of time together while also engaging in mutual activities. Depending on the purpose of the trip, there’s a lot of opportunity to talk as well as to share in these experiences together. If you treat it as an opportunity to get to know them, even if they’re people you might not associate with otherwise, you may well find that your “type” is more expansive than you realized.
It’s also worth remembering that relationships – whether romantic or platonic – take time and there are no short cuts to time. The time spent with people is the single biggest contributor to connecting with them. You may not be coming away from any single event with people who you care deeply for, but that changes over time. By getting curious and giving people more of a chance, you increase the surface area for friendship and love to hit.
So my suggestion is to start with figuring out why doing things on your own is preferable, and what that suggests about where and how you’ve been meeting people. If the issue are the activities or the inconvenience, then the answer may be that you need to find a different group or alternative options. If it’s the people… again, determining if it’s just a mismatch or if you might want to reframe your expectations is helpful before you decide the whole affair is pointless. And if the issue is as much anxiety, then addressing the anxiety will likely solve a number of those problems for you.
Good luck.
