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When It All Goes Wrong
Now, having said this, there is one time you don’t want to try to debrief a date: after a bad or unsuccessful date.
Many of you are now undoubtedly saying “But how are we supposed to know what we did wrong? Wouldn’t telling us what happened be considered a service for our future dates?”
And the answer is, yes, it could well be… in theory. In practice however, not so much.
Y’see, one aspect of getting better at dating – whether it’s with men or women – is exhibiting social intelligence and maturity. While it can be tempting to ask for a break down of just why she won’t return your calls after what you had assumed was a successful date, bugging her about about it is the sign of a man with low social intelligence. You think you’re making a reasonable request. She thinks you’re a guy who doesn’t understand the meaning of “No, go away, fuck off and die already“.
So what’s a geek to do?
You take notes. Extensive notes. I’m a fan of keeping journals in general, but when it comes to getting better at dating, they’re a huge asset, especially when trying to figure out what went wrong. Learn to just write down facts – she said this, you said that, she did x when you did y – with as little interpretation or emotional content as possible. You want to keep the data as pure as possible without tainting it with your pre-suppositions. Go back and read over your old dates, compare them to your more recent ones. Look for commonalities. After all, any individual date could go badly for any number of reasons – she had a bad reaction to the fish, you said something that reminded him of his ex, the moon just happened to be in the wrong house, anything. However, if bad dates and unreturned calls are a recurring issue for you, the only common denominator is… well, you.
Making Use of What You Learned
The trick to getting the most out of these post-date debriefings is look at the meaning behind the words. In my example, it would be easy to think that the key factor was the line about spanking. In fact, it was a line I used often… with decidedly mixed success. What I didn’t realize at the time – and which took me a while longer to learn – was that it wasn’t that I had stumbled on a magic pick-up line that made sex inevitable, it was my attitude and the way I carried myself. J was an incredibly beautiful and assertive woman, one who was used to guys deferring to her or even being cowed by her. I was the first guy she had met in a long time who would not only stand up to her but would sass her back. She had been so used to guys who would back down from her that I was a novelty. This piqued her interest and in turn, increased her attraction to me.
It’s entirely too easy to get caught up in the surface level of what you learn and mistake the deeper lessons to be learned for what’s immediately on the surface. The problem, of course, is that this is a quick way to get frustrated. No one thing will be universally applicable to everyone you will ever date and trying to find it will only leave you frustrated and confused.
Learn to find the deeper meanings – the archetypal meanings – behind what your date has to say and how you can apply them to your dating repertoire. When you do, you’ll find that you’ll be having greater, and more consistent, success in your dating life.
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