There are a lot of ways to go about meeting women. You can do cold approaches – whether at bars, clubs, parties or even your local Barnes & Noble. You can focus your time and attention on online dating and building the perfect dating profile. Hell, you can sit around and hope for the Universe to provide you with a date.
I mean, it won’t work, but you can do it.
But no matter what path you decide to follow, there’s one area that you can’t afford to neglect: your life. Guys who spend time building and maintaining the right life will find that they are naturally and effortlessly attracting women. They aren’t using any special technique or high-value secret. They’re simply leading a life that women want to be a part of – and one that brings them together with virtually no work on his part.
There is no technique that is going to compensate for not having your shit together. There’s no dating profile photo that is going to overcome not having anything in your life. But if you have your shit together and are following some best practices for a fulfilling, happy life? Then you’ll find that you’re meeting women almost effortlessly.
Have A Plan (And Follow It)
Your first step is simple: get off your ass and do something.
Guys, especially guys who don’t have much experience with women, tend to have a blindspot: they see achievement as being the same as attraction. I hear it all the time from people who have issues meeting women: they think they don’t have the right job, the right car, the right body anything to make women interested in them. They think don’t have the right… whatever. They treat their lack of success or accomplishment in one area – or even in a series of areas – as proof that they’re unfuckable. Why would a woman want to date someone who doesn’t have a car, or who’s working retail or who lives with their parents?
They feel that their lack of qualifications disqualifies them from meeting women, and they behave accordingly. As a result: they end up creating a self-fulfilling prophecy: since no woman would ever want to date them, they never take a chance. Since they never give any indication they’d want to date, then women assume that they’re not interested. And so it goes.
The problem is that it’s based on a whole lot of mistaken ideas about status or achievement as much as it’s about what it means to be a grown-ass adult. Your situation may not be ideal, but almost everyone has had shitty jobs or inconvenient housing.
It’s not that women require that you reach a certain level of income before you’re fuckable, it’s that nobody wants to get stuck dating someone who’s going to tell her “I can’t get a job, I’m working on my art!” Women are less concerned about your living situation (at least, when it doesn’t come to “well, where’re we gonna smooch?”) as they are “Are you actually doing something about it?” Your shitty job isn’t a deterrent so much as whether you’re coasting along without any plans for the future.
Your earning potential isn’t the aphrodisiac you think it is. There is no woman out there who requires a 1040 form and a credit check (or a K-1, for that matter) before she’s willing to consent to go on a date.
What women actually want is signs that you have ambition and drive. You may not be where you’d love to be, career-wise… but are you at least making progress? Are you sitting around complaining or are you putting in the time and effort that’s going to help you advance? That is what women want to see from you.
Put simply: do you have a plan and are you following it? Are you doing something every day that gets you materially closer to where you want to be?
Note very carefully that I said “doing something”. Not “reading about”. Not “collecting information”. “Doing research” isn’t the same thing as actually doing the work. One of the mistakes that a lot of people make is that they find ways to spin their wheels without actually doing anything. It’s great that, say, you’ve read every column I’ve written and all my books… but if you’re not actually practicing the skills, then you’re not doing anything.
The same principle applies to your future. If all you’re doing is making plans and not following through on them? Then you’re not any different than the guy who keeps telling his friends what an amazing DJ he’ll be… eventually.
You may not be there yet. But if you can show that you have ambition and you’re making progress? Women will respond.
While you’re at it:
Build Your Social Proof
One of the most important aspects to meeting women is having what’s known as social proof. When you’re meeting women for the first time, you’re an unknown quantity. You may be the sweetest guy the world has ever known… or you may be the guy who wants to lick the inside of her ribcage. Part of what helps ease you over that initial hump of “do I want to talk to him” is having someone who can vouch for you.
This is known as social proof: other people who are willing to say “yes, this person is awesome and you should get to know them.” You see this all the time. When car commercials show you “ordinary people” talking about their latest model, they’re invoking social proof: look at other people who say this car is amazing! Same with book reviews and testimonials – it appeals to the idea of the wisdom of the crowd.
After all, it’s not bragging when someone else says it.
In dating, social proof is part of how we vouch for others. When we see a guy who’s at ease with other women and women clearly enjoy being in his presence, he’s being vouched for. It may not be flipping any particular individual’s attraction switches, but it is a good indicator that people think he’s good company. Same with the guy who’s at the center of attention; people are clearly listening to what he has to say, so he must be worth checking out.
But you know what works even better? When your friends are talking you up. You wait to see a movie until you hear what your friends have to say about it. You may not think much of a random article online, but when four of your friends have shared it on Facebook, you’re far more likely to check it out.
This is why you want to be someone your friends are willing to talk up to other people. When it comes to meeting women, your friends are going to be the one of the best resources for social proof – especially if you prefer warm approaches and meeting people through your social circle. If you’re at a friend’s party and you meet someone awesome, they’re going to want to know more about you. And the first people that they’re going to ask for an opinion? Your mutual friends.
Ask yourself: if someone comes to your friends to get to know more about you, what are they going to tell her? Are you someone awesome that they should absolutely go on a date with? Or will their questions be met with a “Weeeell…..” Having friends, especially female friends, is good. Having friends who think you’re awesome and are going to sing your praises? Those are invaluable to you. Even if they aren’t immediately connected to people you want to date, they are going to be the ones who will be testifying on your behalf.
This, incidentally, is why handling rejection with grace and dignity is important, especially among people in your social circle. If you can take “No, thank you,” and then still be genuine friends with someone? Then you’re somebody that she’ll feel better recommending to someone else. On the other hand, a dude who loses his shit has told her that he’s a simmering rage-monster, just as the “Nice Guy” who keeps getting Friend Zoned is telling women that he’s inherently untrustworthy. That dude is going to get the social equivalent of a dozen 1-star reviews on Yelp.
But while we’re on the subject of friends…
Consider Your Influences
Who you spend your time with is going to directly influence the direction of your life. One of the things to remember is that you’re the sum of the people you hang out with the most. That can be a good thing… or it can be part of what drags you down. We often don’t think about the influence that our social circle has on us, especially when it comes to our success or failure. Attitudes and outlooks on life are incredibly contagious; it takes very little for the people in your life to end up sabotaging it. Even if they don’t mean to.
This can happen on a number of different levels – often in ways you’re not consciously aware of. The most obvious example is toxic “friends” – the ones who actively drag you and sabotage your self-esteem. It’s shockingly easy to end up with a toxic social circle, especially if you were (or are) awkward or shy. After all, if you have anyone to hang out with, you’re less likely to want to rock the boat… even if they make you feel like ten pounds of shit in a five pound sack. Worse, they can convince you that you’re the problem and they’re just trying to “help” you.
Similarly, if your friend group is a bunch of assholes, you’re going to have a much harder time meeting women… because nobody is going to want to spend time with them. Yeah, the “ironic” racism, the “joking” shots at LGBTQ people, the “nothing is sacred” attitude, may make you feel like edgy bad-asses… but the people you’re hoping to sleep with think they’re tedious shitbags. And they’re going to wonder why in pluperfect hell you’re spending time with them.
But friends don’t have to be emotionally abusive to be a drag on your success. Even well-meaning or good-intentioned friends can be a problem when they’re relentlessly negative. For many people, a negative attitude isn’t just about them, it’s about everyone around them. They’re as likely to shit on your dreams and ambitions as much as their own because hey: you’re just not the type of guys who succeed. It becomes a case of crabs in a bucket; they don’t want you to leave them behind and so they’ll shit-talk your ambitions. They may not actively sabotage you, but they’ll sure as hell discourage you from growing and improving. There’s no point in trying to approach that cutie in class because c’mon bro. You know how this is going to end.
On the other hand, having friends who are firmly on Team You will be huge. You want people who have your back, who’re going to support you and cheer you on. Having Team You is a major part of how you build your emotional strength and help you get back up when things are hard. They’re going to be a source of not just strength but joy. Just as importantly though: they’re going to be the ones who will empower you and encourage you to do things. Not just talk, not just imagine, but actually put boot to ass and get shit done. You want friends who can check your self-limiting beliefs and tell you to just do it.
This, too, can come in many flavors. You may have friends who’ll be the ones to make sure you do things the right way, instead of tear-assing out unprepared. You may have friends who may not get what it is you’re up to but will back your play anyway. And you may have friends who’ll say “not only should you do this, but I’m going to fucking go with you because it’s going to be amazing.”
In fact, that’s going to be important later because you want to…
As I’ve said many times: you’re not going to have success meeting women if you stay home or do the same old thing. If you’re doing the same thing over and over again, you’re going to get the same results. And while there’s comfort in the known, getting comfortable with discomfort is going to be one of the greatest advantages to building an amazing life.
See, one of the things that makes people more appealing to others is that they have stories to tell. Stories are a sign that you lead an interesting life – that you take the road less travelled and that you have an active hand in the direction of your life. People who just drift through life, always taking the easy road, don’t have stories of their own. They may have stories of things that happened to other people – the exploits of a parent or a sibling or a friend – but nothing that actually happened to them. At best, they have some reflected glory. At worst… well, they’re just another person talking about somebody else’s adventures.
Now, collecting stories doesn’t mean that you necessarily have to do absurd things. Stories don’t have to be about the time you nearly got bit by a black mamba while your buddy was flirting with the locals1 or over the top adventures. Stories are just the result of experiences. They’re signs that you took risks, did things that took you out of your comfort zone and otherwise opened yourself up to possibility. Did you try to talk your way into a sold-out concert? That’s a good story! Did you end up going to a dive bar in a part of town you never go to? Crash a room party at a sci-fi convention? These are all potential fodder for stories, too.
Even failures can make for great stories. The fact that you didn’t succeed can, in many ways, be more interesting than if you’d pulled it off. Now there’s a complicating factor; how is this going to play out? Are you going to find a new way to get around this obstacle? Or is it going to send you in an entirely different direction? Can you laugh at the absurdity of how it all turned out? Then that’s a great story if you know how to tell it!
But if you want stories, then you have to take chances. You have to do things that might be out of character for you. It may be something you’d never do otherwise. You need to do things that might be uncomfortable (at least at first) or that scare you. And that means reining in an instinct to say “no, not yet” or “not this time”. If you’re presented with a choice – even if it’s something as simple as “go out tonight” – then ask yourself: does this have the potential to end in a good story?
Then do it.
Want To Have An Easier Time Meeting Women? Be Kind.
The final key to living a life that makes meeting women almost effortless? It’s being kind. In fact, kindness and altruism are among the best things you can do to live a more attractive life.
For all that people get hung up on the idea of Alpha Males and being big swinging dicks, kindness is far more appealing to women. In fact, there are few things out there that are more likely to make women absolutely melt than watching a strong man – emotionally or physically – demonstrating a moment of tenderness. Case in point:
It’s not just that there’s a cute puppy there; the presence of an adorable animal is a sign that he’s a nurturer. The appeal is there, regardless of whether it’s a puppy or a child. The key is that it’s a sign of who he is as a person. Regardless of anything else, this is a man who is caring, attentive and gentle. Any idiot can be a hard-ass; it takes a special person to be gentle to someone weaker than them.
It shouldn’t be that surprising. Kindness and altruism are both indicators of high social intelligence and greater pro-social behavior. Someone who’s kind is going to be someone who’s more likely to contribute to the overall well-being of his people. He’s someone who’s going to make others feel good.
But just as importantly: people who are genuinely kind tend to be happy. Their lives are more positive over-all. People appreciate spending time with them. People like them more because they spread that joy and happiness around. They live the kind of life that other people want to share.
Now, it can’t just be a performance. Performative acts of kindness aren’t going to have the same effect. People can tell very quickly when your generosity is forced, cynical or comes with strings. But someone who’s legitimately kind and good? That’s going to be someone that women are going to want to get to know. And they’ll be the ones living a life that’ll effortlessly attract women into it.
- which actually happened, by the way [↩]