Hi Doc,
My partner (25M) and I (26F) have been together for four years and are very much in love. We are both nerdy and fairly nontraditional and have explored kink, nonmonogamy, etc. Occasionally, not very often, we’ve watched porn together.
So here’s why I am writing. A few months ago, after a few drinks, we started talking about kink and porn and such, and my partner mentioned that he sometimes enjoys watching some “pretty weird” (his words) hentai. I never really watched hentai myself, but I wasn’t necessarily put off by it, so I asked him a few more questions like what did he mean by “pretty weird.” He said basically “tentacle porn” etc. We kinda laughed about it and I didn’t think much more of it.
The other day we decided to watch porn together, and out of curiosity, I asked if he wanted to show me some of the hentai he liked. He agreed, and said if it made me uncomfortable at any time, to let him know. We ended up watching several different videos (not all of which actually involved tentacles), and in the moment, I was cool with it. Not something I would seek out and watch by myself, but we both got off.
The thing is, in hindsight, a couple things stand out to me about the videos he showed me, and they weren’t what I expected. First, they all had strong themes of non-consent. Now, I’m familiar with the kink world and I realize this is a very common kink, but my partner had never mentioned it to me before. Second, all of the (animated) girls in the videos seemed to be portrayed as, if not outright stated in the title to be, teenagers. This makes me a bit uncomfortable. I guess my question is, should I be concerned by this? I know my partner is a wonderful, kind person who has always treated me and everyone else with respect. I know that I could bring this up with him, but I don’t want to make him feel like I’m judging him and he has to hide these things from me. I’m just a little surprised, and honestly a little insecure, and not quite sure what to think.
Any input would be appreciated.
The Blue Girl
The idea that one’s secret sexual fantasies are an insight into their real personality is a surprisingly common one, TBG. It’s something that a lot of people wrestle with; not just with the fantasies that their partners engage with or enjoy but their own. Plenty of people worry that the movie they run in their heads while they’re getting off — with a partner or rolling solo — says something about them, especially when those fantasies seem to be things that they would never, ever want to do in real life. You can find the outspoken feminist who harbors fantasies about being forced into subservience, gay men who think about being abused by someone straight, even people who have rape fantasies, either as the rapist or the victim. But the fact that they have these fantasies — ones that seem to be so diametrically opposed to who they are or what they actually believe — doesn’t mean that these are things they secretly want, or that it’s an indicator that who they are is a lie.
In fact, often they have these fantasies because of who they are or what they believe.
Sexuality is a weird, complex and contradictory beast, that often seems to make no goddamn sense. You will find people who like, say, spanking because they were spanked as a child and they eroticized it and people who’re into it because they weren’t spanked as children. Similarly, you can find people who are take-charge, type-A personalities during the day who are hard-core submissives who want their top to degrade them and force them into obedience. And you’ll find people who have fantasies that are quite literally impossible — fantasies involving giant women, for example.
What it all means is that, well, people are weird and the strangest damn things get us off. One of the reason why people will often be turned on by something that goes against everything they believe or everything they stand for isn’t because they’re a liar but because it goes against everything they believe. It’s the forbidden or taboo nature of it that gets their motor running. So you may have folks who dig the power imbalance and taboo nature of step-family porn but who would never in a million years want to actually bang their actual step-parent or step-sibling. Alternately, part of the appeal of the fantasy might be the idea of giving up control without actually doing so. One of the reasons why rape fantasies — or ravishment fantasies, for that matter — are common is because the person having the fantasy is actually in control of the whole thing. They’re the victim, but they’re also the perpetrator; they’re ultimately in control of the entire situation, dictating how it plays out. So at the same time, they’re acceding control to someone (the fantasy rapist) but doing so in a way in which they (the person having the fantasy) are actually in charge.
And of course, people eroticize power exchange and power imbalances all the goddamn time. That’s at the core of teacher-student porn, boss-employee porn, BDSM porn, and so forth and so-on.
A lot of what you see in things like tentacle porn follows that same dynamic; it’s the eroticization of the taboo, the outre and the exchange of power. A lot of tentacle porn, for example, is ultimately about power exchange and ravishment — not that different from the bodice-ripper genre of romance novels, really. Someone is being coerced or forced into something they don’t want to do or are overcome by outside forces and have to give in. But then again, you’ll also find tentacle porn that’s clearly satirical: making fun of that same dynamic by turning the male protagonist into a creature so absurd that you can’t take it seriously. You can even find porn specifically for folks who want consensual relationships between the woman and the alien creature. In fact, the whole “my monster boyfriend/lover” is an incredibly popular subgenre in and of itself.
As for the age of the characters… well, not gonna lie, that shit can be problematic as hell, especially when you get into what’s called loli-con (or “Lolita Complex”) or “shota-con” (basically the same thing except with an underage boy and older woman). A lot of times, it still comes down to the dynamics of power and the contrast of the innocence of the character and the acts they’re performing. But that doesn’t make it any less incredibly uncomfortable to see someone who’s under 18 (and despite what some folks will insist: no the age of consent in Japan is not 13) either going to town on someone or being the one on the receiving end.
However, in terms of what does this say about your boyfriend? Well, honestly, the odds are that it’s the dynamic that turns him on rather than the age of the characters. If part of what he likes is the ravishment by monster, it’s much easier to find animated porn that’d work than live-action; most of the live-action tentacle porn out there is more cringe-inducing than anything else, and not in an erotic way.
(It’s also something of a matter of availability; there’s a lot more hentai out there involving teenagers than adults.)
But ultimately what I would suggest is just talking with him about it. Ask him what it is about this that he digs and see if he can explain why hentai instead of live action or why tentacle porn in general. You don’t need to come at it from a kink-shaming or accusatory place, more from a place of curiosity and interest. This would give you more insight into the sorts of things that turn your boyfriend on and hopefully help ease your insecurities.
Good luck.
Dear Dr. NerdLove: I’m interested in exploring BDSM as a dominant, but I understand there are a lot of different aspects of this and some of it won’t be for me. My partner is open to it but is also completely new to this world. Do you have any suggestions for a beginner to educate themselves and approach this in a safe, fun way?
Whips And Chains
First of all WaC, good for you and your partner for wanting to explore this side of your sexuality. One of the most important aspects of keeping a relationship strong and vital is to make a point of having these sexual adventures together.
You are correct: there are lots of ways to do BDSM, and just as many ways to be a dominant, or for your partner to be a submissive. The image of a leather-clad dom beating a hand-cuffed, gagged sub may be common, but it’s hardly the only way to play. You can be a dom in a pink, frilly dress just as easily as you can in corsets and black rubber. A sub can beg for punishment or they can be a brat who needs to be forced into submission. There’s flogging someone on a St. Andrew’s Cross or there’s shibari — Japanese rope bondage, where the complexity of the knots and immobilization is an artform in and of itself. Hell, I know of a few doms who act more as a stern teacher mandating that their subs do work and study rather than impact play and pain. It all depends on what you and your partner are into.
But what I would recommend first is that you and your partner do your due diligence. A lot of people have ideas about BDSM that they’ve picked up through pop culture that are actually harmful. 50 Shades of Gray is the ur-example of this. A number of the practices in the book (and the movie) are actually physically harmful; tying someone’s hands with some of the ropes that Christian Gray uses, for example, would actually run the risk of causing friction burns and nerve damage. More importantly, however, Gray is a horrific top, who regularly ignores both his sub’s consent and the limits of the scene the two of them agreed to.
So if you want to learn more about all the fun, sexy ways of topping — and your partner wants to learn how to bottom — then you want to do your homework first. Fortunately, there are a number of excellent resources out there for you. And just as a heads up: a lot of these links will be NSFW, so be careful when clicking through.
(And a tip of the hat and “thank you!” to my Twitter followers, who helped out with their recommendations and resources!)
To start, you might want to check out 24 Hour BDSM over at Oh Joy, Sex Toy. While this is predominately about what’s known as lifestyle or 24-hour BDSM, it also illustrates a lot of the concepts that are at the core of any BDSM play. I would also suggest hitting up Amazon and getting copies of The Ultimate Guide to Kink by Tristan Taormino and Barbara Carellas, Violet Blue’s The Ultimate Guide to Sexual Fantasy
(Full disclosure: some of these are affiliate links, which means that I get a small commission at no cost to you if you buy those products via the links provided)
You can also find a number of workshops — both online and in person — that can help show you the ropes… er, I mean, teach you the basics. Wicked Grounds, for example, holds courses online — something incredibly useful while the pandemic continues. FetLife can also direct you to a number of low-cost or even free courses that can help you find the flavors of kink that most appeal to you and your partner.
What I would suggest as a first step would be to get a couple of the books and read through them together with your partner. Talk about what, exactly, BDSM means to you, what sorts of scenarios excite you and how you would want them to play out. Then, as you do your research, take baby steps. Diving in head first can be a mistake; taking things slow and steady helps the two you find your groove together and learn where your limits are. You may discover that you aren’t the stern and overbearing dom. Your partner may realize they prefer being a brat, or perhaps a service bottom. You may find together that you aren’t as interested in impact play as you are in, say, electrostim or immobilization. Part of the fun is going to be in discovering what you like, including things that may well surprise the two of you.
But the most important thing to keep in mind is that at its core, the most vital part of BDSM is communication and consent. You and your partner want to be able to talk openly, honestly and without judgement about what you like, what you don’t like, what you’re willing to try and what’s absolutely off the table. Similarly, you want to plan out your play together, in detail. The whole point of a scene is that it’s something you’ve both agreed upon and planned out; you don’t simply spring it on someone or improvise it. But then again: part of the fun of it all is the planning. Not only does it mean that you all know exactly what to expect, but there’s all of that delicious antici….
…
…
…pation
in thinking it through, making the arrangements and setting it all up.
You and your partner have some exciting times ahead of you, WaC. Have fun with those adventures together.
Good luck.
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