Online Dating 101

The dating site profile. It has ruined the chances of many a man. Here’s how to not suck at it.

If you’re going to use an online dating site like I recommended, you need to have at least a vague idea of what you’re doing. Regardless of which site you choose, men outnumber women by factors of 10 or more; it’s a buyer’s market for women, and frankly, they’re already being deluged with winks, pokes, flowers, smiles and incredibly douchey messages. Before you start writing your profile, do a quick search of men in your age range. Look at a few of the profiles. Go ahead. I’ll wait.

These men are your competition. Every single one of them is already on here and ready to pounce on the exact same women you want to talk to. If you want to succeed at online dating, you need to stand out from the crowd.

That’s where I come in.

Now a quick caveat: as I said last time, I prefer OK Cupid to most dating sites out there, especially pay sites. Therefore I’ll be talking predominantly about OK Cupid’s profile set-up. If you want to go with Match, Chemistry, Geek2Geek, Amputeedate, what-have-you, that’s cool. There’s a certain universality to most dating site profiles these days and the concepts transfer even if the exact details don’t.

You want to project an image of amused indulgence here. Your attitude here should be that you don’t take this seriously. It’s a lark; it’s fun, but you could take it or leave it. The last thing you want to do is come across as though this is the only way you could find a date. Maintaining an air of confidence and playfulness will take you a long way.

Your self-summary:  Who are you, why do I want to talk to you?  This is you in a nutshell.

You want to paint a picture of your life that’s interesting and fun, something that women are going to want to be part of. Mentioning your creative passions is also a very big plus. Even nerdy passions can be a plus if you know how to sell them. In general you want to give the impression that you don’t take any of this too seriously. I’ve seen a LOT of profiles, male and female that scream desperation. So remember: you’re selling your life here. Your life is awesome. You want to talk about the cool things you’re into and how you’re an interesting person. Don’t equivocate; never say “other people say I’m…” or “I think I’m…” This says that no, you’re really not one of those things, but you’re trying to come off as a humble-brag. Resist the urge for self-depricating humor as well. Unless you make it very obvious that it’s a joke, you’re going to come off badly. Keeping it short and sweet is the order of the day here; little meaty chunks will serve you far better than going into detail. Too much detail can smell like rationalization.

What are you doing with your life:

This is where you talk about what you do. If you have an awesome job (and it better genuinely be awesome), brag a little bit. Otherwise, keep it short and sweet. It doesn’t have to be your job, by the way. If you’re a photographer, you might want to say something like “I get paid to take pictures of cool stuff. What’s not to love?” If you travel a lot, bring that up. “I’m trying to get every page on my passport stamped.” Again, short and sweet; length can only work against you here.

What you’re good at: 

This is a place to show yourself being fun and playful. It’s also a license to brag, just a little. The rule here is show, don’t tell. Just saying you’re funny or have a great sense of humor isn’t going to convince anyone. You need to actually be funny.  Be aware of how you come across; “being a great listener” just says “I will bring you Häagen-Daz and kleenex and let you regale me of the latest asshole who dumped you.” Going a little over the top is acceptable here; if you cook, say you make the best $FOOD anyone has ever tasted.

The first thing people notice about me: 

Unless you have something cool that stands out (visible tattoos, lots of piercings, you’re over 6 feet tall, you wear an eyepatch), you can be silly here. Again, be brief; length can only hurt you.

Favorite Books, Movies, Shows, Food, Etc. 

Don’t go overboard with lists here; this is mostly to provide commonalities between you and anyone you message (or who may message you). List a couple of favorites and move on. Important tip: keep the geeky material to a minimum. By all means, list one or two, but make sure you have mainstream stuff in there as well. It’s important to not seem as though you only read comics and science-fiction. If you have trouble picking, A Game of Thrones and The Dark Knight are safe choices. Everyone loves those.

Six things I can’t do without: 

Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs has been done. By me. I was the first smart-ass to use it, so find something else. Same with “oxygen”. Pro tip: Things you leave off the list: your gaming console, your internet connection, your polyhedron dice and whatever MMORPG you’re playing.

I spend a lot of time thinking about: 

Once again, a license to be a little playful, because everyone else is going to try to seem “deep”. I recommend something along the lines of “19th Century Russian Literature. All of it.” or “Latvian Tractor Porn”.

On a typical Friday night I am:

You know where you’re not? You’re not at home. You are out, doing things. Fun things. With other people. Otherwise you’re just saying “I have no life.”

The most private thing I’m willing to admit: 

Let’s be real: nobody’s admitting anything terribly private here. Once again, it’s a place to be silly. Make shit up.

Now that your profile’s all filled out, it’s time to start the polish. Coming up, I’ll tell you how to pick the profile pics that seal the deal and the most common mistakes people make when they’re sending that first message. And if you have any questions or topics you’d like to see covered, feel free to hit up the comments.

Good luck!