The Rites of Spring(Break)

If you’re a student, you know it’s that time of year again.

The weather’s warming up, the skies are clear, and everybody’s having a hard time concentrating on what they’re supposed to be doing. Wardrobes are changing, the birds are singing and everybody’s getting that twitchy feeling in their nethers that means one thing.

Praise the lord and pass the razor. — "Don't say 'crabs'. Please don't say it's crabs. Oh god oh god, it's crabs, isn't it? I've got crabs!"

Spring’s here. And that means that vacation season starts right about… now.

Spring break is right around the corner and with it comes the promise of adventure, excitement and debauchery beyond dreams of every 80s teen sex-comedy ever.

What've you kids got? "Project X"? Pfft. — Nobody appreciates the classics anymore.

But whether you’re headed to Austin for SXSW, snowboarding in Aspen, the beaches in South Padre or the far flung shores of Mexico or Europe, if you want this year’s spring break to be memorable, there’re some things you’ll want to keep in mind.

Know Before You Go

The difference between an epic vacation and wishing for the violent death of the son-of-a-bitch who convinced you to go with him is preparation. Heading out to the Rockies hoping to leave some tracks in fresh champagne powder is a great idea, but the last thing you want to find out after you get there is that there’s been next to no snow all winter long and 2/3rds of the trails have been closed.

Similarly, if you’re headed for sand and surf, it’s going to kill your buzz dead when you find out that the beaches have been closed because of oil spills or finding out that hurricane season started early.

If you’re headed out of the country, you want to double check the news and tourist advisories for civil unrest, collapsing economies, general strikes and governmental issues. France is lovely this time of year… unless you happen to arrive just in time for a nation-wide strike by transportation workers. Hell, I’ve had friends whose trip to Bali get disrupted because of a goddamn military coup. Even tourist destinations aren’t as untouchable as they used to be; Cancun, Aculpulco and Cozumel are all popular destinations, but they’ve had waves of drug-related violence as of late and have come under travel warnings.

Doing the research isn’t all about worst case scenarios, however.

I'm going to be spending Spring Break hiding under my bed, thanks. — Oh sure, NOW you tell me...

Spend some time getting to know the area and finding out the real hotspots, the ones the locals like rather than the tourist traps. Knowing the where to find the hidden gems, the bars and clubs that aren’t swarmed with Ed Hardy-sporting douchebags doing body shots, the restaurants with the good food will impress your friends… and the cuties you meet while you’re there. While everybody else is trying their damndest to squeeze in at the bar at Carlos And Charlie’s, you and your friends will be enjoying the best tequila flights at this little neighborhood place just a little off the beaten path.

Be Prepared

Preparation is key for a successful trip. When you’re scrambling to get ready for your trip, it’s easy to overlook things you’ll need, and then end up paying through the nose for them when you get to your destination. It’s easy to over-look things in your excitement and the last thing you need is to find out you’re missing something critical at the wrong moment.

But we’re not talking about extra socks and underwear here. After all, this is Spring Break we’re talking about. So you want to make sure you have the following items with you:

Sunscreen, sunglasses and chapstick – seems obvious, doesn’t it? And yet everybody seems to forget ’em. And the stores know this, which means they’re going to be subject to heavy mark-ups everywhere you go. Even if you’re not headed to the beach for Spring Break, you’ll want to make sure you have sunscreen on hand. Just because it’s snowing doesn’t mean you aren’t going to get burned and trying to rock the inverse-raccoon at the apres ski bar isn’t going to do you any favors. You can find virtual seas of red faces, neck and shoulders at every music festival… and nothing ruins potential sloppy make-outs than screams of pain when she leans on your burned thighs.

Condoms – C’mon. Be honest. Even if you’re convinced that you’ve got better chance of being elected Pope than achieving a vacation hook-up, you’re still hoping for that outside chance. I warn you now: the universe is powered by irony and if you don’t have a supply of condoms on hand, you will constantly be finding out you need them and not having them will ruin your night. Condoms are one of those items where it’s better to have it and not need it, rather than to need it and not have it. And if one of your buddies happens to hook up… well, karma gets paid forward, y’know?

Mints, breath strips, single-use toothbrushes – Again, this should be obvious… and yet I have run into more scenarios where the difference between getting an invite back to the room party and trudging back to my place alone and depressed has been the stick of gum I should’ve had right after that spice heavy dinner.

Instant Stain Remover – Shit happens. People get drunk, people get rowdy, you get splashed with something colorful and fruit-based, you brush up against things you didn’t notice, you spill stuff on your favorite shirt right before heading out to see the DJ spin at the party downtown… doesn’t matter. You don’t want to look like a slob.

Swimsuit and flipflops- Even if you’re not going to the beach, you want to bring a swimsuit with you. “Dude,” I hear you cry. “I’m going skiing! You know, with snow and shit?” And I say to you “Hotel pool. Hot tub. Random outing of the Polar Bear Club.” You Never know. Again: better to have it and not need it than to be the dude doubling up on his underwear trying to get into the hot tub.

Drugs – No, not those.¹ A basic mix of painkillers, anti-diarrhea meds, antihistamines and nasal spray. Odds are you’re gonna need all of them before the trip is over.

Gatorade and Multivitamins – Separate from drugs, these are your end-of-the-night hangover preventatives. Hangovers are essentially dehydration and electrolyte imbalances – head ’em off at the pass with a couple glasses of Gatorade and some Centrum before you go to bed and you won’t be praying for the sweet release of death in the morning.

"Carrots? When the hell did I have carrots?" — "If you really loved me, you'd kill me right now."

Booze – Whether you’re pre-gaming it, hosting an impromptu after party or just bringing someone back to the suite, stock up right. Keep it simple: you’re not going to be there long and everything you don’t drink is money you just poured down the drain. Stick to one or two bottles plus mixers. Vodka is your friend here: everyone likes it, it mixes with everything and – as a bonus – it doesn’t smell if you spill it all over the place. Remember though, underage drinking is wrong kiddos, so it’s important not to get caught!

Ear plugs and a sleep mask – Odds are that you’re going to be sharing a room with someone. If you want to stay friends, you’ll want these. No being woken up by hellacious snoring or your roommate’s tendency to flip on the light when they stumble in long after you’ve passed out. Being able to sleep through the night uninterrupted is the difference between a great trip and a murder charge… even when you’re convinced that no jury in the world would convict you.

Digital Camera – Pics or it didn’t happen, son.