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My Crush Sends Me Flirty Texts When She’s Drunk. What Do I Do?

January 20, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Greetings, Doc. I’ve never done this before, so I don’t know what to expect or truly ask for.

I’ve known this girl since high-school, which was 5 or 6 years ago. We were pretty close for some time, before I joined the Army in 2015 and she joined the Air Force in 2016. She’s known that I “loved” her — or at least thought I loved her — since the 2nd year in our friendship. She’s politely declined and told me where she stands and her thoughts.

Cut to the middle of 2020, she was in New Orleans and snapchatted me very cute pictures and some of them were a serious lust look and she had clearly been drinking. Our conversations carried on for a week or two before I asked her if she remembered Snapchatting at me first on such and such date, and she said she didn’t remember. That kinda hurt but I wasn’t really surprised since I had the feeling since that night.

(She the kind of girl that I would let her rip my heart out, stomp on it and leave me left for dead basically.)

She snapchatted me last night saying someone at the bar looked like me and she was a little tipsy for sure. And then she went on for a couple minutes kind of complimenting me saying how much I’ve matured, and grown, and seem better than I was when I was in high school. She went home and she didn’t reply to my last snap, so I sent her a good night message and she opened it this morning and hasn’t responded to me sense.

We’ve never dated, kissed, or anything before. She sent me letters with her perfume on them, her senior pictures when I was in Basic Training. And we currently live 1,000 miles away from each other and we haven’t seen each other since 2018.

What should I think and or do about this situation?

Thank you for your time!

Where Do I Go From Here?

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How Do I Know if I Even WANT a Relationship?

January 18, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Doctor’s Note: Hey NerdLovers! It’s a new year and I want to help start 2021 off on a positive note. So I want to hear from you: what are some of your relationship wins? How have you improved your personal life, your friendships or your romantic relationships? What are some of the ways you’ve made your life better recently? Let’s share some hope, some positivity and success to help inspire folks to achieve their own victories.

Send your success stories to doc@doctornerdlove.com with the subject header “relationship wins”; maybe you’ll see your success story in a future column.

Hi, Doc.

Lately, I’ve had these recurring thoughts, that maybe the only reasons I want to seek romantic relationships with women is a combination of curiosity, fear of missing out and a sort of jealousy towards happy couples I’ve known.

Some background: I’m in my late 30s, and have basically zero experience when it comes to relationships. Never kissed, been on an actual date or had sex. The reasons as I’ve seen them are ones you’ve probably heard a bunch of times: Low confidence, social anxiety, difficulty expressing myself, a general lack of assertivity, the works.

Over the years, I’ve become aware of these shortcomings. As you might imagine, they’ve had an impact on my life beyond my (lack of) dating life. Up until relatively recently, I couldn’t hold a job beyond a few months. I got into this awful cycle of starting out optimistically, but my lack of communication and reluctance to ask for help were seen as apathy and incompetence, and I’d inevitably reach a point where I just didn’t make the cut and lost my job. This happened at least 3 or 4 times, before I resolved to look for help on my issues.

Now, with a combination of some rounds of therapy, reading self-help books and blogs, and support from close friends and family, I’ve managed to regain a bit of control over my life. I’m in a pretty good position in my current job, and I’ve had some victories in dealing with my anxiety (Phone calls no longer terrify me the way they used to). Obviously, I’ve still faced some situations that make me freeze in panic and indecision, but progress has been visible at least.

However, one aspect where I have not been able to see progress is in interpersonal relationships. I have some small groups of friends, some pretty close, but pretty much all of them revolving around my hobbies. Most of the time I have to interact one on one with someone (and specially with women), I’ll either blank out on what to talk about or do the nerd-ranting thing when a familiar topic pops up. Not to say that all I’ve had is bad experiences, but here’s the thing: Even in the occasions where I’ve had positive social experiences, I can’t seem to enjoy myself, and that brings me to the original premise.

I’m not sure if it’s the more avoidant parts of my personality that cause a lack of trying in regards to dating because it’s “not worth the hassle”, but I can’t help but think it might be something else. I mean, I do feel attracted to women and as far as I can tell I’m not asexual. However, I just can’t see myself in a relationship and find it hard to find motivation to pursue one.

Any thoughts?

Owner of An Indecisive Heart

Hey man, I think you’re doing yourself a disservice here. You’ve made a lot of progress, in what seems like a relatively short amount of time. I mean, look at what you’ve accomplished. You’ve gotten help, you’ve been proactive in making your life better, building your social skills, working on your communication and building up your confidence and emotional resilience. That’s pretty damn huge. You should be proud of what you’ve achieved! You’ve come a long, long damn way, and that’s incredible. I’m really proud of you for that.

I think part of the problem that you’re running into is that you’re pushing yourself pretty hard and it’s making you stall out a little. One of the things that people often don’t think about as they’re working on themselves is that self-improvement, especially when it comes to things like overcoming social anxiety, takes time and energy. The problem is that sometimes you can get caught up in the excitement of your progress and push yourself a little too hard. Much like when you’re starting an exercise program or beginning to train for a sport, you can overtrain and overexert yourself and end up hitting a wall. It’s not that you aren’t ready or that you haven’t progressed to this point, but that you’ve basically exhausted yourself and drained your reserves. As a result, you actually end up running the risk of injuring yourself or losing a little ground because you have nothing left in the tank.

… ok, this metaphor may have gotten away from me a little.

The point is that you’ve made a lot of progress, and that’s taken time and energy. And while I totally get the desire to keep pushing forward and get to that next level in your development, I think you may need to take a moment to breath and recoup your energy. It’s hard to enjoy yourself when it feels like you have to give everything you’ve got to being present and social AND focus on all the other things you’ve learned.

Small wonder that you don’t have much motivation to try to pursue a relationship; you’re still working on not exhausting yourself while you practice your newfound social skills.

Now don’t get me wrong: I’m not saying that you should want a relationship. It may well be that it’s just not your thing. There’s such a thing as being aromantic; you can be attracted to people and interested in sex, but not interested in romantic relationships. But I think it’s just as likely that you don’t have the bandwidth for pursuing one yet. What I think you should do right now is focus on what you’ve already accomplished. There’re four stages to developing a skill set:

Unconscious incompetence (you don’t know anything about it at all, including how unskilled you are)
Conscious incompetence (you’re aware of what you don’t know)
Conscious competence (you can do it, but you have to think about it as you do it)
Unconscious competence (you can do it without thinking)

Right now, you’re at stage 3; you’re aware of what you’re doing, you know how to do it, but it requires that you pay attention. That takes up a fair amount of mental RAM, so it’s not surprising there’re other areas where you still go blank or feel like you’re struggling. Taking a little time to develop those skills you’ve already learned into metaphorical muscle memory so that you reach stage 4 will go a long way towards freeing up that RAM so that you’re ready to start applying it to talking to people and enjoying social situations. When you don’t feel like you’re struggling, you’ll be in a better position to enjoy things. When you get to that point, it’ll be a lot easier for you to gauge just what it is you want when it comes to companionship and relationships.

And hey, you may well realize that while you like sex and friendship… you just aren’t looking for romance. And that’s fine. That’s a perfectly valid option if that’s where you decide you fall on that spectrum.

But for now: take a victory lap and a victory nap, my dude. You’ve earned both. Take some time practicing your newfound skills and then move on to the next stage. Despite what you may be feeling, there really is no rush. You aren’t on anyone’s schedule but your own and there is no deadline that you have to meet. Love and relationships — if that’s what you want — will be waiting for you when you’re ready.

Good luck.

Hello Doctor,

I am a big fan of yours. You have helped me get through my feelings of inadequacy of being a virgin in my late 20s (By the way, where are all my virgins at? *laughs*), and my feelings of being morally bankrupt for watching porn and masturbating. For that you will alway have my gratitude.

My question is probably a little different from what is usually sent in for Ask Dr. NerdLove, because it is based on creating a social media account. Let me give you some context before I give you my question. I am a 27M who has never really had social media (I do have a YouTube account, but from everyone I have talked to about social media they don’t really consider it to be, especially because I “don’t upload my own videos”). I mean, I didn’t even have a MySpace when that was cool.

To be completely honest this didn’t start as a “fuck you” to Mark Zuckerberg, because I was trying to transcend the need for social media, or thinking I’m better than people who use social media to communicate. I just wasn’t that interested when I was younger.

As I got older, however, I did start to catch backlash for not having social media, whether it was from girls that I would ask out feeling really uncomfortable that I don’t have it (when they would try to give me their Facebook or Instagram instead of their number or asked for my social media), or the really weird question I would inevitably get asked from someone who finds out I don’t have any: “Do you believe in social media?” Like it’s a religion or something.

Only after talking to my close guy friends (a lot), and getting rejected by a girl that is in my bubble and a new friend, did I come to realize it was because I decided to make my life harder and my dating pool smaller on purpose. I realized for some reason I decided that I wanted to prove to myself and (I guess) others, that I could have a successful love life and social life without it, because of my feelings of being worthy of sex and love. I know it is still possible, but as each year goes by and I get older, I become more serious about getting a relationship (whether sexual or romantic), and more miserable I don’t have one.

So my question is: What is the most well rounded social media application to stay in contact with people I’m close with, and meet the largest amount of girls out of Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter (I’m only really planning to get one)? And, while we’re at it, what are their distinctive differences and audiences they attract? As I said before, I literally have no fucking idea, I know they exist, but I have really never even seen my friends use them.

I know starting social media is not a cure all for, admittedly, unwanted celibacy, and I have a steep learning curve. But, and this is a big but, I really don’t want to limit myself anymore. Any advice you have will be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

Social Media Saved My Life

So there’re a couple things here, SMSML. First of all: yes, you can date and meet people without social media. I mean, I realize as a Gen X-er I’m officially one of the Olds but hey, we successfully got by without Friendster, MySpace, Facebook, Twitter, TikTok or what-have-you. Having an Instagram account isn’t going to be the thing that tilts “do I want to bang him (y/n)?” to the “y” side of things, in and of itself. Plenty of folks get by without it.

The thing is: the younger you are, the more you’re going to stand out for not having a social media presence. This isn’t inherently good or bad, it’s just unusual, because social media use is pretty ubiquitous, especially when you start getting to the digital natives in the Millennial and Zoomer generations. Social media has, in many ways, become the place where folks interact with their social circles. It’s how folks stay in contact with each other, it’s where we share our lives and it’s become part of the overall fabric of society. This is especially true during the pandemic; since we can’t be with our friends in person, social media has been a critical part of how people have stayed connected with friends, colleagues and loved ones, especially those who may be spread all over the country or planet. Social media sites and apps have become central to the lives of millions.

(Now whether this is a good thing is a hotly debated subject… especially after the spread of QAnon, anti-vaxx communities, the radicalization effects of Facebook and YouTube and events of January 6th. Not to mention basic issues of privacy.)

So the fact that you don’t have a social media presence will, in fact, make you stand out as being unusual. How people respond to that is going to vary from individual to individual. To some, it’s going to seem like you’re trying to position yourself as a type of snob, hipster or holier-than-thou type; the 2021 version of “I don’t even have a TV”. To others it’s going to seem suspect. After all, when more and more people live their lives online, not having an online presence can seem to some as though you have something to hide. And on a practical level, it can be inconvenient; plenty of folks plan events and get togethers via social media, and that makes it easier to keep everyone in the loop and updated in the event of any changes. When someone isn’t on social media, that makes it harder to keep them connected and involved. Past a point, that difficulty can lead to the outliner not being included — not out of malice or dislike, but simply because it’s easy to forget that you need to take those extra steps.

Now all of that doesn’t mean that you need to develop a social media presence. Those are inconveniences, yes, but not necessarily deal-breakers. If that’s something you’re ok with putting up with, then hey, there you go. But it sounds like you’re looking to actually break this particular seal and get on… somewhere.

So if you were to choose just one… I’d say choose the one that most of your friends use. That will give you an immediate network of people to follow and interact with and who can help you get a quicker grasp of various customs, memes and the unspoken rules that so often crop up like mushrooms after a rain. That being said, you should familiarize yourself with the options that are out there. Facebook is ubiquitous and has the much larger overall user base, but it also tends to trend older. Instagram is a little more unidirectional; you’re broadcasting more than conversing. There’re plenty of conversations that happen in the comments, but it wasn’t designed with an eye towards communities the way that Facebook was. Twitter is closer to being somewhere between the town square or a large restaurant; some folks are speaking to the crowd, others are having conversations with their friends that you’re just able to overhear. And of course there’re always apps like Snapchat, Tumblr, TikTok… all of them are going to be different, and all of them are going to have their different user bases. Figuring out which is best for you will be a matter of trial and error, ultimately.

Now that being said: while you can meet and date folks from Facebook, Instagram and so on, it’s important to remember that for most folks on there, those aren’t dating apps. That doesn’t mean that dates, hook-ups and relationships don’t start there — hell, I can’t count the number of real-life relationships that started on Final Fantasy XIV or World of Warcraft — that’s not what they’re intended for and that’s not what most folks are looking for or expecting.

(Well… kinda. Facebook did add Facebook Dating, but that’s another discussion entirely.)

When you start off, think of your social media presence as being an insight into who you are as a person. You’re sharing part of your life — what you’re into, what you do, etc. The key to meeting people on social media is that you treat it like meeting people through your social circles. You don’t want to cruise through Facebook pages like a horny shark, hitting on everyone who catches your eye; you simply get to know people. Sometimes you and another person will catch a vibe; you can take the conversation to DMs and see where things go. But if you go through Facebook or Insta or what-have-you like it’s a singles bar, you’re gonna be seen as just another free-floating offer of dick, like so many others. You don’t want that. And frankly, neither do the folks you’re going to be talking to.

To be sure: the pandemic means that social media and dating apps are how we’re connecting with folks right now, simply because it’s not safe to do so otherwise. But overall, my recommendation is that you see social media as an accessory to how you meet folks you want to date. It’s a way of staying in contact, expanding your network and giving folks some insight into who you are as a person. The more you focus on your in-person social skills, the easier it is to meet people on social media… and turn those connections into in-person dates.

Good luck.

Our Relationship Had An Unhealthy Start. Can We Ever Move On?

January 15, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove,

I really need your help. I’m going through mental anguish over the past and I’m at my breaking point. Here is my story:

One day, all of my longtime friends deserted me out of the blue. They told me they didn’t want to be friends anymore and that was it. To this day, I have not fully regained trust of women nor have I had a new female friend since this. I believe that if this event had not occurred, I would be a happy, functioning adult. But it sent me on a path of depression, contempt, and attachment issues. (These final two statements were only recently realized).

The next year I transferred schools due to the unbearable effects of being ostracized by my entire peer group.

I was the new girl: lonely, shy, and depressed. The first day, I was put into a group project with my current boyfriend. He was smart, artistic, funny, and a gamer (something that I had recently gotten into). It didn’t take long for me to develop a crush and then a full blown love/obsession with him. Despite only having one class with him 2-3 times a week, I thought about him constantly. I would spectate him playing games, text, and discord call. He was my best friend, in my mind. I didn’t care about befriending anyone else.

Anyone can see that the attachment I formed to him is unhealthy. I was so hurt from what happened with my friend group, I avoided girls. I was also worried he would leave me like they did. I relied on him for all happiness. I put him on a pedestal where he was perfect. I made constant hints at my feelings, even a few times outright discussing it. But he asserted his (valid) feelings that he didn’t want to risk things changing. Instead of taking obvious signs of disinterest, I never gave up. And most of all, when he hurt me the most, I ignored it.

We were friends for about 3 years before I asked him out on a date after realizing he probably never would. We went to a movie and then after that he still wasn’t sure. I remember finally breaking down on my bathroom floor in the new dress I bought for our date. Even writing this now, my chest feels tight.

After hesitation he agreed we were dating, and stupidly, I accepted that. I accepted the constant hesitation (as inexperience), the ignoring (as being busy with school), and disinterest (as my own inadequacy). My codependence was so powerful I was willing to accept anything. It’s all me. I carried the entire relationship. If any point I had stopped talking to him, I doubt he would ever reach out. In fact there was a 6 month gap of time over the summer in which there was no communication. I saw him in class, but he didn’t acknowledge my existence. I reluctantly was the first to text him and we started to talk again. But, if I hadn’t we never would have talked again. I feel like I deserve so much more. Anyone deserves so much more.

However, we started dating anyway and it was perfect happiness. What I was after all those years was finally realized. He introduced me to his friends. I was never popular nor did I make any friends of my own. But it was so much better than before. He met my parents, and I met his (after a few fights). Nothing could go wrong.

Then one day I unearthed my old diaries filled with pages of pain to recount what happened. I started fights occasionally and caused problems in our relationship (bringing up the past, insecurity, blame) when I remember those things. My most intrusive thought is: If I hadn’t asked him out he wouldn’t have asked me out.

You might think, what’s wrong with that? For someone like me who needs to know they are loved and wanted, that prospect hurts me deeply. Not to mention the fact that he must not have found me very attractive. He didn’t love me until I forced him to. I mean, that’s extremely problematic on my part. I want him to date a girl he loves, not a freak like me.

He loves me now. It’s been almost two years and a major life transition. But if he loves me because I manipulated and changed fate I can’t stand it.

As long as I forget the past, I feel content. There are other minor things he does, that annoy me. I end up seeing the connection between these current behaviors and the past. It sends me into a deep spiral. For example: “Why don’t you ever ask me out? I’m always the one who does it. I’m always doing all of the work. If you really cared you would enthusiastically ask me to go out without prompting. Just be honest and tell me if you even care.”

Sometimes I think, why am I so dramatic? Aren’t we the perfect love story? So what if the genders are flipped, that doesn’t make you any less of a woman. It’s the 21st century. Be happy now with what you have. But I know now that the initial attachment to him was one out of desperation, and some of it still lingers. Is it possible for me to move past such a stressful and heartbreaking past?

My boyfriend has truly grown into a much more dependable, loving person. I’m no longer codependent to him and slowly learning to make friends after therapy. We have talked about marriage and living together after college. We visit each other every week. My parents love him. We’re both each other’s firsts. We’ve had good discussions on the future and he’s incredibly talented, smart, and still nerdy. I love him, but the past hurts me so much. I’m worried that we will keep progressing and get married and there’s still going to be these feelings of inadequacy. That’s completely unfair to him. At this point, he has done everything to prove he loves me and finds me attractive and apologized for the past. There might not be a word or action that will ever disconfirm my thoughts. I really need your voice of reason.

– She Will Always Be A Broken Girl

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I’m Great At Getting Dates, So Why Can’t I Find A Relationship?

January 13, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Send your success stories to doc@doctornerdlove.com with the subject header “relationship wins”; maybe you’ll see your success story in a future column.

Hey Doc,

You probably get a hundred or more messages a day like this, but I thought I’d drop you a line and see what you might have to say. I broke out the laptop to type this, but I’ll try to keep it novella length rather than a novel, haha

As the subject might suggest, I can’t seem to form a relationship to save my life. A bit of background about myself so that you can get a sort of thumbnail sketch. I’m college educated, have a decent (not spectacular or flashy or anything, but important) job in the healthcare field, and own my own home. As you probably guessed, I’m a nerd. I like to game, watch horror movies, and read books. I write fantasy and horror for fun, and am current working on a fantasy trilogy. Not sure if I’ll publish yet, since that is a whole ‘nother can of worms in itself.

As you might also guess, I’m pretty introverted. I can be gregarious and friendly to people, particularly at work, and I’m well liked among my coworkers. Outside of work, I’m more of a homebody and have a small, close circle of mostly online friends. Some of this is just because people moved, some of it is because I’ve shed friends who just faded away, or in one case a friend who I’ve had to cut off because they showed themselves to be a terrible person.

The picture I’m trying to paint here is of a pretty normal dude. I used to be very much in the Nice Guy head space, but I’ve managed to escape it. I don’t feel like I’m owed a relationship or anything, I just feel like I lack whatever it is that sparks chemistry in people. I can get dates, but it’s rare that anything goes beyond the second meet up. Meeting me in person seems to be the kiss of death, and that’s a confidence killer. I’ve vibed with people overseas, but I’ve never tried to pursue anything because I’m like “Well yeah they’re going to get here, meet me in person, and be like ‘pass.'” I’m way more entertaining online, apparently.

Earlier this year, I reconnected with someone I’d met a few years before. We didn’t meet the first time around. We met in person the night before we’d planned to go on an actual date. She texted me to come over and hang out with her in her back yard a bit since she was hanging out outside. We had a pretty normal convo, no real red flags or anything, we kissed good night and by the time I got home I got a “I don’t think we’re compatible” text and was blocked. No idea what I did.

I actually have had a couple of girlfriends over the years. Apparently you can capture lightning in a bottle twice, haha. But anyway, my ex dumped me about six years ago after being together for eight months, using the excuse that she “wasn’t over her ex.” It isn’t like she was the “one who got away” exactly, but that particular lesson has stuck with me. They can always leave, don’t get too attached. It makes it a bit difficult to really allow myself to get attached to people, as you might guess. Yes, I’ve spoken to a therapist on the matter. I don’t feel like it helped much, although she was helpful on other matters.

So what are your thoughts? I have no idea what I’m doing wrong. I think maybe I’m just…really boring. Or it’s because I run on a pretty even keel and people take that to mean I don’t care when it’s just that…I’m not very emotive. Not sure, but whatever the case may be, it’s getting exhausting. I keep plugging along. with the pandemic obviously it hasn’t been a good idea to meet up, but with the vaccine being distributed we’ll hopefully be back to normal soon. I just want to make my “new normal” better than the old one, particularly in this area.

Thanks,

Lonely in The Buckeye State

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How Do I Get Over My Virginity Anxiety?

January 11, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Send your success stories to doc@doctornerdlove.com with the subject header “relationship wins”; maybe you’ll see your success story in a future column.

Dear Dr. NerdLove,

I’m in my first new relationship in 10 years and things are going really great! We’ve been together for over 3 months now and we really love and care about each other. However, due to the pandemic situation, we aren’t doing anything physical yet. As a result, there’s been a lot of talking about sex, what we like/don’t, and definitely sexting which has all been great to do with each other in the meantime!

The thing is, I’m a virgin and my girlfriend is not. This, in itself, doesn’t bother me at all, especially when we’re both mid-late 20’s. To her credit, she has been incredibly supportive and understanding of any insecurities I have about losing my virginity, which has been so good for me. Luckily, we seem to be very compatible sexually too!

The hang-up I’m having comes from the conversations we’ve had about sex and what she likes and wants to do in bed. Naturally, much of what I’ve learned about her in this area comes from things she’s done with her ex. My girlfriend has only expressed having good sexual experiences, which is definitely music to my ears for her sake. But when I look at myself, someone with no experience (eager as they are to learn and pleasure their partner), I find myself feeling like I won’t be able to satisfy her as well has her ex did. I’m not even specifically talking about our first time, more just in general.

I haven’t really talked to her about this issue specifically because I know what she’ll say: that she loves me and she’s not comparing me to her ex like that. And I believe her! She also has never made any comments specifically about “how great he was” or anything of the sort. And she definitely does not deserve to be asked about it from me either. But there’s just something within me that wants to prove to myself (and kind of to her as well) that I can be her best partner; better than that last guy.

What can I tell myself to stop worrying about being the “best” when I know there’s no way of knowing (unless she tells me herself one day)?

– The Competitive Novice

First of all TCN: congratulations on your new relationship! Your girlfriend sounds awesome, and a great match for you… especially as your first time.

It’s just a shame that your jerk-brain is making you feel a little insecure about things. But thing is… that’s all it is: your jerk brain and random feelings, not truth or prophecy. And to be perfectly fair, that’s a really common insecurity. A lot of folks — mostly men, but definitely women and non-binary people too — worry that being a virgin means that they’re going to be at a disadvantage when it comes to satisfying their partner. This is especially true if their partner has had a long or varied dating history; they worry that their lack of experience is going to mean that they couldn’t possibly measure up in some way.

But that’s not true at all.

Now one of the reasons for this is that people tend to get very rules-lawyer-y about virginity and treat penetration as the end-all/be-all of losing one’s virginity. If you didn’t get your end in — or have someone get inside of you — then it doesn’t “count”. But a lot of folks who are virgins aren’t complete blank slates, who’ve never been physical with a partner at all. Lots of people may never have had penetrative sex but have still had or performed oral sex, mutual masturbation or any number of other sex acts and are, in fact, quite good at them.

(And if penetration is your end-all/be-all for “losing one’s virginity”… well, there’re a lot of gay men and lesbians who are lifelong virgins… but still have a hell of a lot of sex.)

But the other reason is that good sex isn’t about the numbers. A person could have partners that number into the triple or quadruple digits… but still suck in bed. Yes, they’ve had a lot of sex, but rarely with the same person more than once. Meanwhile, a person could be a provider of mind-blowing orgasms, even though you can count the total number of partners they’ve had on the fingers of one hand with plenty to spare. That’s because great sex isn’t about pure technique or how many times you’ve inserted Tab A into Slot B; it’s about the connection between you and the person you’re sleeping with. It’s about paying attention to your partner — both what they’re saying, but also how they’re responding. It’s about learning their cues, their preferences and just what they like and when. And it’s about being willing to discuss what you’re into, what you need, what you’d like to try, what are your “maybes” and your hard “no’s”. These are all things that take time, intimacy and communication.

And that, TCN, is where you’re actually doing everything right. In fact, if I’m being perfectly honest TCN, you’re already doing everything that I’d be telling you to do. The fact that you and she have been having these conversations and sexting back and forth and talking about the fact that hey, you don’t have much experience in this particular arena are all part of how you set yourself up for some great sex when you both feel like you’re ready.

But the thing that you need to keep in mind is that the part that’s screwing you up isn’t about the likelihood of how good the sex will or won’t be — either for your first time or overall. What’s getting you is your ego. You seem to be coming at this like you have something to prove… almost like you want to compensate for being a virgin in your 20s. So hey, if you can show that you’re some fuck-prodigy, wouldn’t that be awesome? Yes, except not really. Because here’s the thing: you have nothing to prove, man. You aren’t in competition with anyone else — not her last boyfriend, not other dudes she may have gone on dates with before you, not anyone. You know this because hey, she’s dating you. You can stop pitching, you’ve already made the sale. It’s fait accompli at this point, all over but the squishy noises. What’s going to happen next is going to be you and her getting to know each other physically, getting to know each other’s bodies and responses and making it all work. And that’s going to be a collaborative exercise, not a case of your standing on stage and being told “alright, show me what you can do, stud.” The physical aspect of every relationship is different, and getting to know each other means that you’re both going from off-the-rack to bespoke fucking. That’s something the two of you do together, not something that one does and the other gives a rating to. It’s a holistic endeavour, something that’s about the both of you.

Y’know. Kind of like your relationship overall.

What you need to do is worry less about your ranking and focus more on being present in the moment. And that means not just when you two can get together for some physical time but while you’re flirting and sexting and getting each other rev’d up. The more you put your attention on that moment, not some theoretical dick-measuring future, the better the connection will be between you and your girlfriend… and the better the sex will be too.

Good luck.

Hey Doc!

With another polarizing election behind us, it is pretty obvious that the political divide isn’t going to mend anytime soon. We all see it on dating apps when women write “don’t bother if you voted for [insert candidate here].” But my question isn’t about the view differences between myself and a potential lover… it’s about the view differences between her and the rest of my family.

A majority of my family (plus extended family) don’t exactly share the views I have when it comes to politics. Despite this and plenty of heated debates, we still manage to have a great relationship. However, when it comes to dating I’m concerned about being guilty by association.

I have sabotaged several communications with women who really liked me only because of the worry that I’d be pitting their political & social views against my family’s…. and eventually ruining both relationships. It’s a fear that has held me back so much that I even had to speak to a therapist about it. Am I overthinking this? How can my love life and family life live in harmony? I wouldn’t want to put her in an uncomfortable setting and can only dream of both parties really loving each other.

Thanks in advance!

Two Party System

Seeing as we just had a historic election last Tuesday and an equally historic attempted insurrection as Trump’s fanbase tried to take senators hostage and murder the vice president… I think “political divide” is putting it a little too goddamn mildly.

But let’s leave that aside for a second.

What you’re doing, TPS, is what’s known as “borrowing trouble from the future”. You’ve taken this vague worry — that you and your future partner’s politics will conflict with your family’s and this will destroy your entire relationship — and turned it into prophecy. Either they won’t believe that you don’t have the same politics as them — that whole guilt by association thing — or that this potential future fight will be so horrific and all-consuming that you will lose both your family and your future partner.

Except… you don’t actually have any experience of this happening at all. You’ve got a lot of speculation, a lot of imagination and pretty much no actual experience with it in real life. And while I’m sure you can find any number of random anecdotes or Am I The Asshole posts that may seem to back this fear up, those don’t actually count. Even leaving aside the ones that are pure creative writing exercises: the people involved aren’t your family, nor are they any future girlfriend. There’re reasons why the plural of “anecdote” isn’t “data”, after all.

But let’s look at the actual facts here. You and your family, despite having wildly different political views, have managed to keep your relationship strong. Like a lot of folks in mixed religious/atheist households, vegetarian/carnivore households or other diametrically opposed issues, you’re able to make things work, even your different stances make everyone want to grind their teeth into powder and smack the other up with a Howard Zinn omnibus. Assuming that you and/or your family aren’t, say, QAnons or COVID deniers, think that there were “very good people on both sides” at the Unite The Right event in Charlottesville or think that the attempted insurrection is an Antifa false-flag operation, it is theoretically possible to at least have a “we’re going to draw a line and we do not cross this line no matter how heated things get” sort of set up. That can go a long way to keeping a family as a family… even if you’re back to the “dual-wielding Disobedience and Democracy, roll for initiative” stage over dinner.

And I’d point out: there are lots of folks who date and marry people whose families are gold-plated shitheads. Sometimes everyone is able to come together or even help bring people around. Sometimes it ends with the couple deciding that they’re not going to spend time with the fam until said fam gets their act together.

But that’s all theoretical, not actual. One of the bigger things to realize is that this, presumably isn’t going to just be you throwing your new girlfriend into the deep end with no warning. Ignoring how long it may or may not take you to get to the “meet the family” stage, I can’t imagine that you wouldn’t be giving your theoretical future girlfriend a heads up that you’re the political black sheep of the family. Giving your squeeze the basic rundown of the family dynamic is — or should be — standard issue before bringing her to your cousin’s wedding/nephew’s bat mitzvah/little brother’s birthday. That gives you time to work out how you’re going to handle any thorny topics that need to be avoided or handled with care — political or otherwise.

And, I would hope it goes without saying, that I hope neither your family or anyone you date is the sort who goes out of their way to pick fights with folks over politics; that’s a headache of a different color entirely.

TL;DR: stop writing your break-up story before you’ve even had your first date. Focus on finding someone awesome that you click with, build a relationship to the point of actually introducing her to the folks, then figure out how to navigate family functions. And hey: it’s much easier to weather the slings and arrows of family political arguments when the two of you can present a united front and give each other the backup you need.

Good luck.