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Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do I Tell My Girlfriend I Cheated?

December 10, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

I have been with my same-sex partner for seven and a half years now (we are two women), two and a half of which have been long distance due to job obligations. The distance has been really hard, and I have found myself in a couple of blackout drunk situations in which I did regrettable things. I am usually able to control myself when I drink, but very rarely I get blackouts. I’m not sure if it’s to do with the type of medication that I take mixed with it, or if it’s genetic or what.

The most recent situation is the one I’m having a lot of trouble with. I have been trying to make more friends in the gay girl scene, and I met one girl who I 100% was only interested in friendship with. And I told her that I was only seeking friendship from other women. We hung out a few times, and on the last hang out we were at her place. I again got blackout drunk, and the next thing I remember is waking up in her bed with no memory of what happened (a couple of flashes but nothing else). I am completely repulsed by this because a) I am in a relationship and love my girlfriend with everything I am, and b) I have zero attraction to this girl.

I freaked out and told my girlfriend that I needed a break / some space because I didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t tell her what happened because I know it would absolutely crush her and I swear I would not have ever done this if I was sober. I want to stay with her and I have even had suicidal thoughts because I just can’t deal with this. I know alcohol is not an excuse, I just can’t make sense of why it happened. I am so disgusted! Even though I remember almost nothing, I feel as though this person, although really nice, took advantage of me / coerced me, and I feel so much anger toward her for that. And even if that is true, why did I seemingly become an active participant? She was quite drunk too, but I don’t believe she was blackout drunk. I have cut off all communication with her, even though a friendship could have been had this situation not happened. I want nothing to do with her.

My girlfriend was initially extremely upset that I ended things / asked for a break. But then we saw each other one weekend and we kind of just melted back together to the way things were before. But every time I look at her, every time she compliments me, every time she calls me a good person, all I can think of is what I did and I absolutely hate myself for it and would do anything to turn back time.

I have started seeing a therapist, but it isn’t doing much yet. The guilt is eating me alive, but I feel that if I were to tell my girlfriend she would leave me in an instant (she is extremely insecure) and that would be even more excruciating. We go so well together and have a blast together, and are genuinely just the best of friends. I have been planning to move to her city eventually, there is a company that has expressed interest in hiring me, I am just working on strengthening my portfolio before switching jobs.

I am driving myself crazy reading all the articles and forums online about blackout drunk cheating. I honestly can’t make sense of any of this and I am hating myself and beating myself up about this. I don’t know how I will ever move on from this. It consumes my thoughts day and night. First thing that comes to my mind each morning when I wake is, “You are a cheater You are a horrible person. She did not deserve this. You don’t deserve her.” I already suffer from severe depression and anxiety due to my mom passing away last year and my best friend committing suicide.

I can’t handle this. Please help. Thank you very much.

Barely Holding On

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: Why Is He Afraid of Marriage?

December 7, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

My boyfriend and I have been together for over six years. We’ve lived together for most of that time with my three children from a prior marriage. Our goal had always been marriage, as we had discussed it many times early on in our relationship, however over the years, it seems his fears grow and/or change.

He hates talking about feelings (his or mine) so we don’t get far in understanding his fears or addressing my insecurities. He has stated that he has trust issues from prior relationships, fears of divorce since he’s seen it all around him, that since I have been married before he doesn’t know if he can trust my stated feelings because I’ve felt that way previously. Plus, it just makes him uncomfortable to think about marriage and he doesn’t know why.

Now, other than his trust issues from a prior relationship, these reasons have just been added over time. Each year it’s something different on top of the prior trust issue. I find his reasons to be cop outs, honestly, but I’m trying to give him the time he needs to work his crap out. In the interim, as time passes, I can’t help but feel incredibly insecure that we have been together for 6+ years and he’s still not ready to fully commit to me. I have been clear on our goal from the beginning and haven’t veered off course. I want to be with this man and I want to spend the rest of my life with him.

I let him know consistently how I feel, and I reassure him in every possible way when he exhibits any insecurities about my feelings or my past. I ask if there is anything he wants or needs from me or the relationship and he states he has no issues and is happy with our life and wants to keep growing and moving forward. That all sounds great, but we aren’t moving in any direction. Our relationship is no closer to marriage then it was in year two. He states there isn’t anything I need to do or can do to help with his lingering trust issues, that it has nothing to do with me, but he also isn’t facing them on his own either.

I’ve considered that he just doesn’t want to marry me. He swears that’s not the case – that it’s not me, it’s just marriage. That’s hard to believe, because he was one that asked if I was jaded about marriage on our first date, because that’s something he wanted for his life. He gets angry when I call him out and say things like, “Just be honest and say you don’t want marriage so at least I can make the decision on my own whether or not that is okay with me.” He says he does want to marry me, he’s just not ready yet. I don’t want to pressure him into marriage, because I’m already insecure enough and don’t want to feel like he married me out of obligation. I want him to actually want to marry me.

I don’t know how to stay true to my feelings and on the path to the goal, while battling the insecurities that come along with this and not really knowing if my partner in this actually has the same goal. His messages are mixed and unfair. I don’t know the proper way to handle it. Any advice?

Always The Bridesmaid

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: Is It Time To Leave

November 30, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove,

I’m a long time reader and I’ve never needed personalised advice before (happy enough to read your advice to others), but here we are.

I have been dating Alpha for three years and a half now. We started having the best sex of our lives and then discovered we were meant for each other. He is intellectually stimulating in a way my former partners weren’t, he is caring (puts up pretty well with my ups and downs), he makes me laugh and he loves me unconditionally. These things have been there from the start and still are.

However, he’s also got pretty big family issues, he was depressed and addicted to drugs in the past and he probably has some kind of mental health problem – a mood disorder, I’d say. He refuses to seek help because of bad past experiences with psychiatrists and psychologists.

I’m 28 and he’s 26. I’ve got a degree, a nice job, plans for the future, lots of hobbies and tons of friends. He finished high school, dropped out of college, has no work experience, has isolated himself from his friends and, since we’re together, spends his time smoking joints, playing video games/instruments, reading and working on a crazy startup project (already for 2 years) which doesn’t look profitable at all.

I’m the caretaker type and I’ve reeeally tried. I’ve paid for a psychologist, but he stopped going. I’ve offered him love and all the space he needs (he’s a bit antisocial). About a year ago, I started feeling deeply unhappy: we spent almost no time together, no time with my friends ever and he talked all the time about moving together but didn’t seem to be getting anywhere with job/studies. I tried to talk to him many times, even sent him a letter. Nothing worked.

I recently moved out of my parents’ place, sick of waiting for him to get a job.

And then it happened. I went to a music festival and reconnected with a great friend, Bravo. I kind of liked him at university, but he was so difficult, and still is. Amazing, creative, fun to party with, a music connoisseur… but at 31 he’s still trying to finish his degree, has almost no work experience and is a bit of a mess. See a pattern there?

We started talking a lot, dancing and ended up making out while drunk. I felt so guilty. And Bravo doesn’t even remember!

The thing is Bravo and I have been having this weird story for 10 years. All we have had are drunken hookups because he was always so weird and I’ve always thought he found me hot, but he wasn’t interested. Sex has never been great cause he was always so drunk, too. I recently asked Bravo if he was interested in me at university and he was, but I wasn’t brave enough to ask if it was love or lust.

I was the first person with whom he cheated on his only girlfriend. I once kissed him while in a relationship crisis and broke up with the guy the next day. And now this: I’m in a crisis, and here he comes again.

After making out with Bravo and with another random guy, I told Alpha I needed a break. He didn’t think it was a good idea, suddenly realised how unfair he had been to me and surprise! the miracle happened. He got a job, he moved in with me and he started hanging out with my friends. He more or less forgave my infidelity, although he doesn’t know who it was with.

Fast forward two months and Alpha been having problems with getting paid. The little he’s got goes to the startup. I pay for everything. And he refuses to look for another job till they pay him, giving himself excuses. He tries to be tidy and clean around our home, but it’s not his nature. He tries to hang out with my friends, but I can tell he doesn’t enjoy it.

And last weekend I went partying. Bravo was there. My best friend and him are starting something long distance, and I’m happy for them – they’re a bit of a mess, but it might work. They’re two of my favourite people.

While drinking some shots, Bravo told me he’s starting to really like my best friend, and he doesn’t want to, he’s scared, since he always fucks up these things. I told him he should really try this time, and also that I wish my boyfriend was partying with us, that things were better and that I loved him very much. We were happy for each other.

One hour later we were unspeakably drunk, kissing each other like teenagers and having to restraint ourselves not to go home together. We were even caressing and all fluffy.

And now I can’t stop thinking about Bravo, about our conversations and about having sex with him. He hasn’t texted me, but has replied to a text I couldn’t help sending. I don’t think Bravo feels the same way, he likes my best friend and it’s so difficult for him to like a girl.

So here I am. Alpha loves me deeply and has started to change (the job!!!), but it seems it’s not enough, and that he’s just doing it for me, not because he really wants to. I don’t want to leave him just when he’s trying so hard and make him move back with his family. I also don’t want to be unfaithful and I’m getting close to that every day.

And Bravo is starting something with my best friend. I don’t think I can compete with her, she’s great at charming guys. And I also don’t want to, since Bravo is basically like Alpha, the same red flags. Just a bit more of a party animal and more social, that’s it. And with a story of infidelity and fear of commitment, which makes him way worse than Alpha. Even if my body and feelings tell me so, I don’t want a relationship with him.
But what’s wrong with us? Why can’t we seem to move on after 10 years and still come back to each other even when it’s the worst idea ever?

What can I do, Doctor? I’m a bit desperate.

Attracted to Peter Pans

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Can I Avoid Being An Accidental Creeper?

November 26, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey Doc,

A lot of discussions and articles about creepiness often say many things on what not to do. It starts to feel like “Here are 30,00 ways to not approach or flirt with women, don’t do any of them and you have a chance at not being evil”. And it also gets worse when there are also many things that just MIGHT be creepy, and that’s even worse when you’re not good at reading body language, and it makes any social anxiety or self-doubting you may have get even worse.

So what are some examples of ways to approach and flirt with women that are definitely not creepy?

Creep-Anxious Dude

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: Did Porn Ruin Our Sex Life?

November 23, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

My husband (to whom I have been married for nine years) and I haven’t had sex for more than two and a half years. When the dearth began, it seemed mutual. Our physical connection had never been strong, and he was highly interested in his hobbies (mostly watching movies and television). Because our connection had not been strong, I didn’t mind a short break. I just never dreamed it would last as long as it has. It is looking as though I will never have sex again, barring an affair or a divorce. (We do not plan to get a divorce, not so much “for the sake of the children,” but because we both wish to remain an intact family with those children. We like our family life, appreciate each other’s co-parenting, and could not afford to live separately.)

I have known for longer than the length of this dry spell that my husband is a porn user. I never liked it, but I also didn’t predict that it would cause an absolute end to our sex life. The very young women featured in his preferred porn look nothing like me; however, his choice does, at least, indicate that he is heterosexual, and I was under the impression that very many men managed to enjoy porn and also have sex in real life.

My husband is highly apologetic for his inability to have renewed interest in sex. I remain confused about his absolute lack of sex drive. His testosterone was somewhat low when tested a few years ago, and it probably became lower with age. However, it seems to be the case that his interest in porn is deep, but sporadic. He is trying to quit because he says it is a bad use of his time and he feels bad and dirty about it; he is politically progressive and does not (intellectually/politically) support the porn industry. He can go a month or two without using, but when he does use it, he maintains a real web presence about it, sharing with other men on various social media sites. He has a screen name and a persona. I would normally think that someone with such a deep interest in porn would, after denying himself for a few weeks, be willing to try real-life sex, as an alternative to nothing.

Based on what you know of men, sex, and porn, does this add up? I keep wondering if there is a reason for his reluctance that he is not telling me. I can see that he is lacking the vitality and lustfulness I have seen in other men. In a way, it is believable that he has no libido. Why, then, the very strong interest in porn?

FWIW, I spent the first half of this year trying to press the issue, by forcing him into a discussion that he strongly resisted. I then decided to seek therapy (just for myself), and through self work, I have reached a level of acceptance. I have learned to be nice about it. His answer is “no,” and I no longer press for discussion. I am largely focusing on other areas of my life, with the idea in the back of my mind that I will treat myself to a discreet affair once per decade until I am so old that it is impossible. That’s at least three affairs, if I maintain The Golden Girls as my inspiration. (I could have up to five if I channel my inner Sophia.)

I understand that you will not be able to endorse my plans for infidelity. Can you, though, offer insight into my husband’s sexuality?

Yours truly,

Puzzled Over Porn

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