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Ask Dr. NerdLove: Why Doesn’t My Husband Want Me?

April 22, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove,

I am a (woman? Nonbinary person?… Still figuring that out…) in my 30s. My husband and I have been together for almost ten years now, and in that time we have been through some majorly difficult situations. A few years ago I was in a car accident that left me bedridden for a few months and while I have mostly recovered, I will have pain and some mobility issues for the rest of my life. When I lost my job because my mobility issues had a bigger impact on my ability to work than we thought they would, we were briefly homeless. Relying on my social connections (he wasn’t close enough to anyone to feel that he could reach out), we were able to pull ourselves out of that. I have been able to find a job more suited to my capabilities, and although it does not pay well, we are ok financially because we have adjusted to live within the means of his job (mostly by moving 3 hours away to less rent intensive city – we weren’t spending frivolously before).

Through all of our difficulties, hubby has repeatedly shown himself to be a caring guy and a loving partner. We are socially, values-wise, and spiritually compatible, and we really compliment each other’s skill sets in a lot of areas and help each other grow. I feel like we are a dream team in all areas but sex.

I have been saying for years that I wish our sex life were more… Interactive, I guess? I feel like it’s always either his turn or my turn, and my turn only comes when I break down and beg for it. This is not a problem that I’ve had with previous partners. His experience before me was fairly limited, so I guess I always figured we were just in a learning curve. He has gotten a little better about this over the years, but ultimately I feel like our sex life doesn’t really include me at all. I have stopped asking for anything really because having to beg for an orgasm means that I am not able to enjoy the stimulation enough to get there. Sometimes after sex I find myself fantasizing about leaving him. Sometimes I even get stuck in suicidal ideation.

Recently he told me that he saw Terry Crews talking about porn addiction, and thought that he had it and that was causing our sexual difficulties. Before this neither of us really saw how his porn habit was a contributing factor. He said that he had gotten so stuck in the pattern of a solo habit that being turned on was like switching a flip in his brain that made him feel like he was alone. He started seeing a therapist (this is all very recent) and told me that he wants to start working on having a real sexual connection with me. I want more than anything to have that connection with him, but frankly the idea of being present in sex at this point sends me into a total meltdown.

I do have a therapy appointment scheduled, but as an Autistic woman who is very very good at masking, I feel like therapists really don’t understand what I’m saying a lot of the time. (I was diagnosed as a child, taught to act neurotypical, and then just sort of tossed back into the general population with no acknowledgment that I might have some less obvious problems… And I did pretty well at pretending that I did not.) While I’m often very good at understanding other people (I have had to make a very intensive study of this just to keep up), I am not good at all at making myself understood. Therapists, I have found, often tend to get fixated on helping me through issues that are common but not at all what I’m struggling with, and when I try to correct them they assume that I’m in denial. While this has taught me a lot about how to understand and help my friends, it leaves me to figure out my stuff on my own, and frankly I’m flummoxed here. How do I cope with being present in sex when alarm bells are going off in my head the whole time? The logical part of my brain says that now that the problem has been identified, we have a real path to victory here, but the emotional part of my brain does not see the path at all. Please help!

Waiting For My Turn

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do I Overcome my Shyness?

April 19, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey Doc,

I’ve got quite the problem, I’m shy, introverted, and never really get out. I’ll start with my biggest problem, I don’t get out much. I go to college and work and that’s about it. About once or twice a month I’ll hang out with friends but that’s as much as I get out of the house. I used to get out a lot more, but as my friends got older they took on more hobbies, extracurricular activities, and some got girlfriends, so all their time was taken up and that has left me with no excuses to get out of the house. I’d love to get out more but going places without people you know is always kind of intimidating. What would you recommend I do to feel more comfortable when I’m out without people I know? What are some kinds of places or activities would you recommend for going out to meet new people, maybe some new friends or maybe some ladies.

My other problem is partly because I’m shy. I’m not completely shy; like I can hold a conversation on something I’m knowledgable or passionate about, but I can’t carry on a conversation very long by myself. I also am clueless on how to start up a conversation (with the ladies) in a situation where you wouldn’t normally meet. If I were at school or at work,I can easily start up a conversation with my female coworkers or classmates since I have a solid reason to, like just talking to pass the time at work or start talking about something related to the class, and can go from there in the conversation. But, in a situation where it is a completely random girl, I have no idea how I would even say hello without it being weird. Since I’m someone she doesn’t know who doesn’t have any real reason to talk to her out of nowhere, how would I even approach her without being weird? So basically how would I start up a conversation with a girl I’ve never met before and have no reason to talk to her but I’d like to get to know her? And then even after that how would I direct a conversation so it could be something I am knowledgeable on or passionate about so I can actually talk and not sit there like a log awkwardly? And what are some ways to keep the conversation from being dull?

And lastly, I’m more of a person who only talks when the subject is about something I’m knowledgeable about or am passionate about because I don’t want to say something that would make me sound like an idiot, so I end up just being someone who only listens in most conversations. How could I enter a conversation on something I don’t know much about without sounding like an idiot or completely derailing the conversation?

Thanks,
Pink Slip

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: Should I Tell My Friend I’m In Love With Her?

April 17, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Doc NerdLove,

Discovered your column and YouTube channel a couple weeks back and decided to write to you for advice about a pretty hairy situation I’ve found myself in.

Some background, I’m a single man in his late thirties who has been living in Louisiana for most of his life. Due a childhood where I suffered abuse at the hands of a stepparent, I have found it difficult to socialize, have difficulty talking about my emotions and have suffered from severe mental problems. Needless to say, my attempts at any form of romantic relationship have ranged from “went nowhere” to “complete disaster” and I’ve generally not sought anything of the kind for a number of years. Further compounding things is that I live in a very economically run down part of the state and therefore have difficulty finding steady work, am frequently broke and need to rely on my family for financial assistance. I have suffered frequently from depressive episodes and suicidal thoughts as a result of this. Things got particularly bad for me in 2015. Lack of response on job inquiries for several months, growing alienation from my conservative family, and just feeling lonely and like I had no future, that sort of thing. I was suffering panic attacks, losing sleep and was emotionally and physically exhausted. I felt like I couldn’t hold out much longer.

Then some woman-hating asshole shot up a movie theater in Lafayette and that’s where a friend of mine comes in. Let’s call her H. I had met her years before through a forum dedicated to B-movies and weird cinema. I found her to be an incredibly kind, funny and intelligent person and was delighted that she had similar interests to mine. Though it was a while before the two of us met off-line, we became fairly good friends through social media and chatting and now get together face-to-face whenever we can. A few years back, things had gotten to a point where I wanted to see if H was interested in being more than friends but a bad experience with admitting romantic interest to a friend in the past left me hesitant to do anything. When it came to light that H had hooked up with another member of our circle of friends — let’s call him D — I figured “Oh well, shit out of luck again” and I thought that was the end of that. We were still good friends, after all.

Fast forward to 2015, H was going through a bad time as well. Her father, who she was very close to, passed away, leaving her an emotional wreck. She was depressed all the time, her relationship with D was becoming strained, and felt as though everything was falling apart for her. Well, when she heard that there was a mass shooting in my neck of the woods and she couldn’t reach me all day (I was at my sister’s, babysitting my niece, and phone reception and internet service there was spotty) she began to worry that something had happened to me. When I finally got online that night, I found a message from her that read: “I really need to know that you’re okay.”

Getting that message shook me up. Here I was, thinking myself to be a burden on everyone and thinking maybe it would be for the best if I was just…gone…and here’s this person who lives halfway across the country, going through all that she was going through, worrying about me. It was a reminder that somebody gave a shit if I died and suddenly I found that I couldn’t go through with committing suicide. Those thoughts didn’t just magically go away, mind, but when they came, all I could think about was H, all the things she was dealing with and this little voice would tell me, “you do this and it will kill her.”

In the months that followed, as H and I did whatever we could to support each and help one another through what we were going through, I realized I was very much in love with her. And realizing this left me a little scared because you see, H and D moved in together back around 2010, have stayed together since, and despite some problems, anybody can see that the two of them are still very much in love with each other. Now, I’m not as close to D as I am H, but he’s been good to me for as long as I’ve known him and he recognizes that mine and H friendship is important to her. I really like the guy.

And so, I have never told H how she stopped me from killing myself, beyond some vague statements about “helping me through a rough patch.” I worried that if I told her about it, it would lead to her finding out about how I feel about her and I just did not want to dump that sort of drama on the two of them. (I figure if H finds out, D going to find out.) I didn’t want her to feel “girlfriend zoned,” y’know? I thought that if I kept quiet that maybe these feelings for her would just die down and fade away with time, and for brief moment it looked like they did, during a period where financial problems kept me from traveling for a while. Then I had finally gotten to where I could afford going to meet up with everybody at a B-movie film festival earlier this year and there she was. After being around her, seeing how happy she was to see me again and the great time we had, those feelings didn’t so much as come creeping back as they kicked down my front door and mugged me. I’ve been miserable ever since I got back from this trip.

Well, over the past couple of months, I’ve come around to the idea that telling H may be the only way to get over her. It took a ton of effort to come to this but I’ve attempted to write to her, explaining everything. (Figured she deserves something more personal than an e-mail but I’m worried I might lose my nerve if I tried face-to-face or over the phone.) Unfortunately, attempts to write this have felt like open heart surgery being performed without anesthetic. I’m scared of how my friendship with H and D will change once they find out, I’m scared of how this may affect our group of mutual friends, and I’ll admit, I’m terrified of how much letting go of her is going to hurt. So it seems that every time I make some progress on this, just when I think that I trust the two of them enough to believe they will be understanding and sympathetic, the doubts come roaring in. They tell me what an awful idea this is, how I shouldn’t be putting H and D in this position, that they’ll resent me for doing so, you’re going to make a fool of yourself etc., etc. Several times I’ve come close to taking everything I’ve written, tearing it up and keeping my damn mouth shut.

I’ve sought advice from friends outside of our mutuals and its ranged from saying that I should just tell her how grateful I am she helped me in the past but that telling her I’m in love with her would just cause things to go south to a friend who had been in a similar situation telling me that I should tell them everything for the sake of my mental and emotional well-being. I guessed that maybe I need some help on how to go through with this one more time before I finally finish it and that’s where you come in, as I figured it wouldn’t hurt to get it from a professional and impartial outsider. So here’s my question, Doc: am I doing the right thing by telling her and if so, how would you advise I go about doing so and maybe some idea on how to deal with any possible fallout from this, good or bad?

Sincerely,
Damned If I Do, Damned If I Don’t

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do I Date Out Of My League?

April 15, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

So Doc, I need to figure out how to date a better quality of person.

You see I’m a uni dropout, working a minimum wage job and at his early 20s is still living with his parents. So I’m not exactly the full package, barely any friends, not respected at all and why should I be, I’m a modern day peasant or serf.

Now I absolutely believe that I could get a slacker woman with no plans for the future (my dreams of being a writer are fanciful and will likely never happen) but I don’t want that, existing and barely subsisting while getting shit on by the general public for a living.

What I hope for one day is a woman with dreams and ambitions that she has achieved and is in the process of achieving, not a useless being who’ll likely stay in her hometown her whole life (like I have, regrettably).

Where the hell do I find women who actually take interests in things and are actually good at something, because they sure aren’t in minimum wage. Incidentally, I am good at very little so there is likely going to be a prerequisite to being able to get into a relationship, hobbies, happiness , self confidence, that type of thing.

Shit, maybe I should travel the world…or at least more of my home country. I’ve been branching out more into things like organic coffee shops and independent burger bars and things like that, but I feel way too out of place there, like I’m some poser commoner who should slop his unworthy ass back to McDonald’s.

I mean shit, minimum wage workers very rarely find love and if they do, it’d be with other minimum wage workers (I assume). I also feel a lot of shame when talking about my job, it reminds me of everything I’ve failed at, failing out of uni after so much work and taking a low-end position to make ends meet.

I guess I just don’t have much of a life right now and I’ll have to work harder at getting one, joining clubs, getting into a team sport, going to concerts, just like everyone else.

I’m quite far behind Doc, ì need to catch up on building a better life, although some practice dating and asking people out in person would be ideal as online dating is not proving fruitful. I don’t quite believe that people actually ask each other out in person anymore but perhaps I can be proven wrong.

Thank you
Retail Drone

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: Can I Ask Him To Change?

April 12, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey Doc!

I have a problem that basically boils down to “unfortunately this guy I’m seeing hasn’t found your books and columns yet,” but of course the situation is a little more nuanced than that.

I’m in my late 30’s and have been in several medium to long term relationships. I’ve mostly met men online for the past several years, because I like the convenience and lack of ambiguity that you get from a dating site. Finding dates is not a problem, but after spending a long time playing the field and getting to know what really works for me in a relationship, for the past couple of years I’ve been trying to focus on finding someone awesome to build a life with. I’ve got a great career and friends, own my home, have hobbies and interests– I’ve spent a lot of time reading advice from columnists like you, Captain Awkward, Dear Sugar, and Ask Polly, and all of that has helped me become the kind of person I’d like to date! I’m always a work in progress, but I like who I’ve become. I’ve struggled to find that kind of “whole package” in a guy, especially one who wants to commit.

Now I’ve met someone who has tons of potential. He’s got a cool career in a field adjacent to mine (so we already have a lot in common), he’s not 100% my type physically (I like tattoos and glasses, he’s more of a polo shirt and khakis fella) but I do find him attractive and we have good chemistry. He’s liberal and nerdy and doesn’t want kids, just like me. He’s tall and kind and great to cuddle, and he smells fantastic. But there’s just something missing and I don’t know how to really articulate it, let alone find it.

We’ve only been seeing each other for about a month but he’s definitely talking about a future and I can tell he’s very into me. One of the nice things that came from my years of dating around is that I’m pretty good at telling the difference between a guy who’s trying to be a player (or whatever the kids are calling it these days) and a guy who’s very sincere. This guy is sincere af and wants to settle down. And I don’t want to hurt him or waste his time by stringing him along if I’m not going to be able to go all in; I think he deserves better than that.

So what’s making me hesitate? There’s some kind of initiative or assertiveness or joie de vivre that’s missing, and I don’t know how to put my finger on it. Like, he feels like he’s overweight, but he doesn’t work out. He has a dog that’s completely untrained, to the point where she bit me the first time I met her and taking her out in public is iffy, but he hasn’t taken her to obedience classes or tried to train her. He seems content to do whatever I suggest, but he doesn’t take the initiative to come up with cool date ideas. He doesn’t show any particular enthusiasm for… like, anything, to be honest. He’s not NEGATIVE, and he clearly has likes and dislikes, but he just seems sort of placid and meh about things, even things he’s into. He’s smart and not humorless, but I wouldn’t call him witty or sharp, and nothing makes my heart sing like quick banter and bad puns. The sex is nice, but he doesn’t seem lusty, if that makes sense. There’s no edge to him, I guess. And I’m at the point where I know that an edge is definitely not enough to sustain a relationship, but the total lack of it will eventually drive me nuts.

I know, after all this time out there dating, that the guys who grab my heart are the ones who are confident and engaged with the world and enthusiastic, and I know I’m not unique in that. A lot of the self-improvement things you suggest for guys would be great in helping this dude become someone I’d want to be with for the long haul, but I know what a terrible idea it is to date someone with the intention of trying to change them. He has so much potential, though! I know I’ve said that twice now, but it’s true. And I know he would be really sad if I broke things off, but telling him how I feel seems cruel. Is there some kind of script you can suggest for helping him find that vitality that would make me want to become more invested? Should I just leave him alone so he can find a nice girl who will like him the way he is? It seems like such a waste to walk away from a guy I genuinely like who is so close to what I want and who’s so into me, but I know from experience that you can’t change someone. They have to want to change. And maybe he doesn’t! If he was a house, he’d be a fixer-upper and I’d be happy to put in the time. But houses don’t have feelings and people do.
I’m at a loss here. Any words of wisdom?

–This is a Relationship, Not HGTV

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