ask dr. nerdlove Archives

I’ve Been In Love With My Friend for 20 Years. How Do I Finally Get Over Her?

June 16, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Heya, Doc:

I’ve been meaning to ask you this question for a long time because, frankly, I think this is a kick in the ass that’s been a long time coming.

I’ve been a fan of your site for a long time and it’s been fun and funny getting a dose of masculinity that pushes back on the BS narratives that our culture peddles when it comes to love, sex, and dating. I am pretty sex positive, I feel comfortable in my own brand of masculinity, and at this point in my life I am loving being single even though I’ve been thinking more and more often lately about giving online dating a try (I’m going to be 38 this year, am a virgin, and I do not give a flying frak that I’m a virgin XD ).

There’s just one problem that continues to persist and bug me in my adult life that, even when I try to take the stance of “those feelings will ALWAYS be there and I just have to get used to it”, and it’s a case of oneitis I have had for almost twenty years. I have a friend, I’ll call them Lee, and I’ve known her since my freshman year of college. To me (cue Swiss commercials of chocolate), she is one of the nicest, kindest people I’ve had the pleasure of knowing and right now, one of my best female friends. And we have not seen each other in person since her wedding a decade ago now, and even before that most of our communication was via text, which we chat almost daily.

It didn’t really click until a few years back that this was even oneitis because I had thought I had moved on, but when I think of love and sex, to be honest, Lee is one of the first people to always float to the surface of my mind. And our online only friendship has allowed this perfect idea of an imperfect person to become lodged in my head, and at this point my feelings towards her are so complicated that, I want to be a good friend to her while also being true to myself and moving the frak on to find happiness without her romantically, and I think Lee wants me to be happy too. And I think if I went nuclear and cut them out of my life, it would result in a lot of hurt feelings on both sides, especially with it being so out of the blue.

Now, I’ve been shitty at times, especially when I was in my twenties and was emotionally needy as hell. That’s another reason I want to fix this is because Lee tolerated a LOT of online BS from me. I was emotionally needy countless times and I constantly sought validation from her. It was so bad, I even shared what my various kinks and fetishes were with Lee, just so I could feel some form of acceptance for my fantasies. I’m now a lot better getting my validation from myself, but back then it was bad. Lee said they’ve forgiven me for how I used to act, and even now I try not to talk about sex topics with her unless it comes up naturally in conversation, like if she ask how my adult fetish art hobby is doing (which is another story). So, she has given me nothing but support, and I need to move on.

(As an aside, I think I was guilty of an assumption I think a lot of men in their twenties try to do when they first learn about sex positivity, which is to just be upfront about the things they like and damn the consequences without regards to how other people feel, and to encourage that attitude in others when they might prefer to keep their sexual feelings and likes to themselves.)

The other thing that doesn’t help is how similar I seem to be to Lee’s partner, Ben. There are times when Lee is talking about Ben that, it is eerie how similar we are without trying, from our temperaments to our likes and dislikes to how we act. It’s one more fly in the ointment where I wonder if we might have had a relationship in a different life, but then I wouldn’t be the person I am today with twenty years of growth and struggles that I think have made me a better person than if I had gotten married in my twenties. And then there are the times Ben and Lee get in arguments and fights and I want to rush to Lee’s defense and, I can’t because there are things a man can’t say about his female friend’s partner without sounding like a jerk, even if there are times I’m concerned that Ben’s protectiveness creeps into being controlling but I don’t know how to say it or bring it up tactfully. I also can’t say how pretty I think she still is when she struggles with her weight or other various problems and ailments that come her way.

So, while on the one hand, I’m fairly certain I have a type and, while Lee isn’t perfect, she meets a LOT of the things I think I’d look for in a romantic partner and has helped me realize what I want, I have to recognize that Lee is happily married and can only be my friend, and I need to move on, and I know that is something she would want me to do too. She has said as much when I’ve talked about my lack of a love life, and I want to be true to our friendship. And I wanted to say, to other sufferers of oneitis, please do your best to move on and not get stuck in the same rut for twenty years like me.

Signed,

Ready-For-The-Guillotine

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Am I Masculine Enough To Be A “Real” Man?

June 14, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Doc,

I guess I have questions… or maybe thoughts? It’s complicated.

I’m a cis gay man. I think? I think that’s a part of it.

I wish I was more masculine. I feel like my life would have been a lot easier if I had been… that it would be easier in the future if I were… I kind of hate that it never came naturally to me. Never has. Probably never will. And, it gets hard. I feel like I’m not allowed certain sports or hobbies or… just things in general, because I’m not “masculine” enough for them. Honestly, same thing when it comes to “feminine” things to. I feel like I’m not allowed to want them because I won’t fit in… should I just give up on them, or try to force it? I’m too fem to be masc and too masc to be fem… but like… I kind of want to be both?

So it makes me wonder… am I a man? I mean. It fits… sort of? I often feel like I’m not the right kind of man or am sort of a “failure” as a man. That’s probably just a lot of internalized bullshit that is really toxic. Doesn’t help that I have certain people in my life who will tell me they accept me, then police my gender in the next breath.

But does all of this make me nonbinary? I’m not sure.

And sex… oh sex… Never done it before. Sex is a complicated thing for me. Given the fact that gay men can be so fixated on masculinity, I feel like a somewhat fem (and fat) guy like me will never be found attractive. Kind of sucks, to be honest. It’s to the point where I can’t imagine myself having sex with someone. I can’t imagine myself being seen as a sexual being or seen as sexy… or even sexual. I can’t really connect with my own sexuality, to the point where I wonder if I’m damaged or have too little self-esteem or if I’m just… not into it.

Funny enough, I jokingly call myself “the pervert friend”, because I’m comfortable talking about sexuality. I’m very open. I just haven’t done anything. I’m pretty sure I want it. I want to be loved. I want to want someone and be wanted by someone. I want intimacy. I’m pretty sure I want sex… ?

So… I guess I just don’t know if the labels I’ve used for myself for the past several years fit anymore. I mean, I clearly have a lot of unpacking to do, a lot of unhealthy relationships to manage, and a lot of thinking to do. But, I don’t know where to start. I don’t know if this is just the thoughts of someone who feels that he doesn’t fit the mold and, therefore, must clearly be something else. I don’t know what to think.

I guess I’m asking for even some reassurance.
I don’t know the answers. I don’t expect you to know all the answers either.
But what would you say to someone like me?

Cheers,

Dazed and Confused

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Why Am I Still Angry At My Ex?

June 11, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey Doc,

This is gonna be a long one so I apologize in advance for that. I’ve been having some strong resentful feelings for my ex and I can’t seem to get over him. Let me explain.

At the start of last year I (m) started seeing a guy who I had a huge crush on for the longest time. I should also mention this is was the first guy friend I’ve ever had a crush on and the first guy I’ve dated. Originally he didn’t feel the same way about me. He actually had a crush on someone else at the time. This didn’t stop him from sleeping with me however at a party and after a few weeks of being patient he did tell me he was starting to have feelings for me as well and eventually we started dating. We went out for a few months then he broke up with me, stating he had mental problems and couldn’t handle a relationship at that time. Me caring about his well being was understanding and told him as soon as he’s better we could try again. Only I found out later that was a lie, he was just spoon feeding me some bullshit so he could go out with the guy he originally had a crush on. I was pretty devastated for a while after learning that. I felt betrayed and used. It seemed like I was only a placeholder until this other guy became available.

Anyway, after a few months I met someone else. We hit it off right away, started going out, and almost a year later we’re still together. I can honestly say that my relationship with my current bf is the best I’ve ever had. We connect on so many levels, we share a lot of the same interests and we love each other deeply.

So all in all things worked out for me in the end but here’s my issue. My ex, who I’ve blocked and unfriended on every social media site I can imagine is still part of the same friend circles me and my boyfriend are in, so no matter how hard I try, from time to time he still pops up in my periphery. And every time he does I just feel overwhelmed by feelings of anger and resentment. Before he and I even went out, I’d like to think we were pretty close friends and the way he led me on for a few months only to discard me as soon as it was convenient for him, like I was tissue paper just destroyed all that good will between us.

I know these feelings are unhealthy and that I’m better off with my current boyfriend, but I don’t know if deep down there’s part of me that still cares about him and that’s why I feel this way. I don’t want it to impact what I have now because like I said, we’re all in the same friend groups. Now that things are starting to open up again it’s inevitable that I’ll be running into my ex at some meetup and I don’t know how I’m going to react.

I’ve often thought about sending him a message and just laying it all out there to him and try to bury the hatchet so to speak, but I’ve had some friends tell me that’s a bad idea, that he can just claim no wrongdoing and turn it back around on me and make me feel even worse.

Sorry this was so long. I wanted to provide as much context as possible. I’d be forever grateful for any advice you can provide 🙂

Thanks!

Still Resentful For Some Reason

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: I Like Rough Sex. Does That Mean Something’s Wrong With Me?

June 7, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

I’m a cis woman who has been happily married to a kind, gentle, cis man for 3 years. The only area where we are mismatched is our libidos — mine is very high and his is not. But we’ve made it work and for the most part and sex has been enjoyable, if a little dull.

Over the past couple of years, I have developed a serious interest in “rough sex.” Without going into too much detail, there are several things I would like to try that sound very enticing to me.

During our last sexual encounter, I talked to my husband about this beforehand and asked him if he would incorporate a few of these things to try them out — like biting me and slapping different parts of my body. He agreed, and it was the best sex we’ve had in a long time. It did not hurt me, and I found everything incredibly enjoyable.

The next day, I was talking with my husband about this to see how he felt and if he liked it. He said it was alright, but he’d prefer to just have “boring sex” (his words) from now on. I was disappointed, but didn’t know what to say.

The rougher sexual encounter has made me hungry for more. I want to do it again. But, I know it made my husband uncomfortable so I won’t force him to do anything. I can’t stop running scenarios around in my mind of things I really want to try, none of which I can do because I know my husband won’t be up for it.

Why can’t I just let this go and be satisfied with what I do have? Is there something pathologically wrong with me?

Counting The Bruises

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: Why Are Women So Afraid Of Me?

June 4, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Dr NerdLove.

Long-time reader, first time writing in. My problem is quite minor, and not technically a “dating” issue, but it’s been weighing on me regardless and I’m hoping you’ll have some insight.

The short version is that many women I pass by in public places seem to have very strong negative reactions to me, and I can’t figure out why.

It usually goes like this: I’m walking through town in the daytime to work or to get lunch or meet friends or what have you. A woman comes walking the other way or exits a shop or something. Our eyes meet by chance (inevitable when you’re keeping an eye out for cars and bikes or whatnot), and the woman in question violently jerks her head away, turns her body away from me, and starts walking faster. She’s using her whole body to signal: “Ew, no, go away.”

Here’s the weird part: I never have any intention of interacting with these women. I’m just going about my business when they enter my line of sight. I don’t say anything, I don’t leer or stare or ogle, I don’t catcall, I don’t look at them for more than a second. I just notice them, and keep walking.

Obviously, women have every right to be cautious around unknown men (or unknown male-looking NB people, in my case). These women are also all young and attractive, so maybe they’ve had to become hyper-vigilant even beyond the standards of other women. It’s just that this reaction seems to fly right past caution and straight into immediate, visceral fear.

A more specific example will illustrate what I mean (and was also the catalyst for this letter). I was at work, returning to my desk from the bathroom. A woman I had never met came through the door I was heading to. Our eyes met and she flinched with her whole head, like my gaze was a slap to the face. Her body language became panicked, her eyes darted around the room, and finally she ran through a side door in a completely different direction to the one she’d been going before. I didn’t know what to do, so I just kept walking.

Some extra context: this was in the middle of the day, in a crowded building, in a brightly-lit room that saw a lot of foot traffic, and I obviously worked there.

So with all that background, I guess I have two questions I’m hoping you can help with: firstly, how can I clearly signal to women that I’m not going to approach them? Secondly, what is it about my appearance that triggers such a rapid and extreme response? It’s happened too often now to write it off as a few very traumatised women; it really feels like it’s something about me.

I’m honestly stumped as to the second question. I’m not physically imposing, I dress conservatively but well, I’m young, I’m fit, I don’t have resting bitch face, I’m not ugly, and I’m meticulous with my grooming and hygiene. In short, I feel like my appearance is totally inoffensive. The fact I’m Māori might be a factor, but it feels unfair to just assume all these women are racist. My female friends are as confused as I am.

This problem has been getting me down because I don’t want to be a source of stress for anyone else, and also obviously because it really hurts my feelings when it happens. Plus, what’s going to happen when I meet a woman I do want to approach?

Before I sign off, I should reiterate: I’m not demanding that these women talk to me or smile at me or welcome me approaching them or anything like that. I just want to be able to go about my day and mind my own business without being treated like a landmine. And if this letter sounds like it’s trivialising the struggles of women who get harassed and catcalled, it’s really not my intent. I understand the world is dangerous for them; I’m just sick of being perceived as the danger.

So yeah, that’s my letter. Thanks so much for taking the time to read this!

Sincerely,
Innocent Bystander

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