ask dr. nerdlove Archives

How Do I Build a Social Life From Scratch?

May 20, 2022 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Doc,

I discovered your site yesterday and I thought that you give some pretty solid advice in the articles that I read, so I figured I would throw in a question of my own.

A little bit about me first: I am a 25 years old virgin guy (never even held hands with a girl), I can be a little shy and I am just finishing college. I think I am a good contender for the title of Ultimate Nerd : I never went to any clubs nor any parties during my college days but spent my nights turning pages reading philosophy books on various and (sometimes) weird subjects, utterly fascinated. And honestly, I don’t regret a thing. I am actually quite comfortable with being a (relatively) late virgin. I know I am not unattractive and social inept, since some girls I met confessed their feelings for me (!), but I didn’t feel mature enough to enter a relationship so I shut them down. My best friends know about my virginity and never gave me any shit about it nor pressured me about it. And I am not really afraid of being rejected for it. I mean, I know I may sound like a bit of a jerk but I firmly believe that anyone that rejects me for being a virgin is probably not worth spending much time with in the first place.

I have been offered an internship on the other side of the planet, starting next month. I eagerly accepted because I think that’s a great opportunity to travel and discover new things and step out of my confort zone. But here comes the question: how do you create a vibrant social life, when you are a young adult fresh out of college arriving in a brand new city and when you have almost no experience in doing that? ( I presume that the language barrier won’t be a problem since I speak the local language quite fluently. ) I could start with my colleagues but all of them are 40 somethings married with kids, so not really a good starting point for hanging out. My objectives would be to 1) have a nice group of friends to have fun with and 2) go on dates. I have never been on one and I am really really curious and excited about what it looks like. (Finding love would be awesome too, but that would be the cherry on top of the cake. Right now I am more looking to brush off on my social skills).

Thanks for reading, and I hope my question will be of interest to you and your readers.

Eager To Learn

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How Do I Stop Letting My Fear Sabotage My Relationship?

May 16, 2022 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey Doc, let me start by saying “Thank you” for your work. It helped me get into dating and relationships when I was terrified of the prospect and provided uplifting-but-no-bullshit advice when I needed it. Now I ask you more directly for advice since a) I haven’t been able to find this topic in your website and b) it might help other readers in the same situation.

Basically, I think I’m struggling with insecure attachment/enmeshment issues. For background, I’ve been in a committed relationship for over three years. My partner is very patient, caring, trusting, and dedicated – but going into our second year, I turned jealous and highly insecure (I concealed it from him, mostly out of shame).

I hated it when he went out with his friends. I had a full-blown panic attack when he didn’t call me after work one night. My day was ruined if he didn’t text me “Good morning” or declined to call me during lunch break. His (female) co-workers felt threatening. An evening he preferred to stay at home resting meant he hated me. I felt totally split – I’d spend a day or two in absolute despair, unable to sleep or focus – and then suddenly “leave the fog,” wondering how I convinced myself that he’s unfaithful, dislikes me, wants to break up, etc.

I didn’t recognize myself. I used to be very independent before we met, having fun dating, spending time with friends and balancing work and college; I was pretty happy. Now I was a helpless, pathetic, depressed mess without him, and when I was with him every ambiguous comment or behavior was fodder for my insecurity.

I saw a counselor for 4 months (the third one in five years for unrelated anxiety and depression) and I’m doing much better today, but there are times I still struggle. Last time he spent the evening with friends I cried half the time he was gone. If he doesn’t want to be intimate I take it personally. Knowing he’s had other romantic/sexual partners and the fact that he (being human) still finds other people attractive leaves my guts wrenching.

I don’t know how to stop. I’ve tried “getting my own life” like joining clubs but it’s hard with my schedule. My friends live 30-40 minutes away and everyone is too busy for weekly meet-ups. I’m too ashamed to discuss it with my partner. I’m on the waitlist for another therapist at my college but the wait is long and other options are unlikely, being uninsured. Sometimes I wonder if being in a relationship is worth the emotional turmoil it’s generating in me.

I know that my low self-esteem and attachment problems have nothing to do with him. I don’t actually think he is unfaithful or uncaring or dislikes me. I feel so embarrassed about how out of control my emotions seem – it’s nothing like the empowered, independent image of myself I try to project.

How do I solve this before I sabotage what we’ve built?

Dependent and Despondent

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What Do I Do About My Low Sex Drive?

May 13, 2022 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Doctor’s note: Today’s letter deals with sexual and emotional abusive relationships and sexual assault

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

I (23m) have always had something of a low sex drive, as in, I just don’t really enjoy having sex or masturbating. I mean, there are some times when I do, but I would say it’s probably not on the level of other guys. I can’t really put a number to it or anything, and it’s not an issue with getting it up or anything, that all works just fine. I just don’t really like sex that much – sometimes I want to have it, but most of the time I’d just rather cuddle or spend time with my partner in other ways. This has proven a problem in my relationships and has only gotten worse after a recent one.

I’m not really too stressed out about finding a partner or anything – I don’t really go out to try and pick up girls because that isn’t really how I connect with people. All of my relationships dating back to high school have come as a result of forming a friendship and the girl eventually asking me out, or asking me to ask her out. I’m just worried that I won’t be able to keep a relationship because of my sex drive problem, since it’s caused trouble in pretty much every relationship I’ve had in the past.

It’s only gotten worse after my most recent relationship. Three years ago, I entered a pretty serious long-term relationship. We clicked on basically every level, and the only hold-up was the sexual aspect of the relationship. She had a very high libido, she wanted to have it all the time and I, not wanting to disappoint, would sometimes just force myself to do it even when I really didn’t want to.

Eventually she kind of got tired of how I wasn’t really into sex as much as she was and would voice that to me. I really loved her and imagined I could have a future with her, so I again tried to improve myself for her. She was really into roleplay and would kinda pressure me into acting out these scenarios that made me feel really uncomfortable – I don’t really want to get into the exact specifics of that, but basically it was a “pretend non-consensual” thing that she had done with other partners in the past and was very into (I hated it).

If I mentioned to her that doing these scenarios made me feel gross, she’d just get upset and make a fuss until I gave in. I don’t really think it was extreme enough to call “abuse”, but she would raise her voice, attack certain insecurities of mine, and on a few occasions she would slap or hit me. Not enough to hurt me physically, but it didn’t really make me feel good emotionally. She was very hung up on gender roles and would tell me that I, as a man, should want to do it all the time and be the one to initiate. Again, I really wanted to make things work with her since everything was perfect outside of this one issue – so I just kind of forced myself to do these things I didn’t enjoy.

Eventually I realized that this relationship, as much as I loved 90% of it, wasn’t going to work out. I talked to her and we both agreed we’d be better off with other partners. But my experiences with her have made my sex drive issue worse.

Months ago, a girl I was interested in came on to me at a party, and she put her hand on my leg. Just her touching me made me think of my experiences with my ex. It really spooked me and I had to excuse myself from the situation. I think that whole thing ruined my chances with that girl, and I’ve begun to doubt I’ll ever find a girl that will put up with my issues.

Recently I entered therapy for unrelated reasons, and I’ve been talking with my therapist about these issues. They’ve given me very good advice, but I still feel like I probably couldn’t initiate sex even if I wanted to.

I’m worried I’ll never be able to keep a woman sexually satisfied going forward. My therapist has told me that I can just tell any future partners about the issues I had with my ex and how they affected me, but I can’t think of a way I’ll be able to breach that topic without looking like some kind of weirdo hung up on a girl from years ago.

I’m already seeing a therapist, but I’ve followed your blog for a while, and I was wondering if you would have have any unique insights on how I can conquer this.

Low Key Low-T

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How Do I Date When I Don’t Know What I Want?

May 9, 2022 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Doc,

I’ve been reading your column for a little while now, and a lot of your advice has really been helpful for me in reframing some of my hangups around dating. Writing in now though because I have a problem that I don’t think I’ve seen addressed (or I just might have missed in the archives).

Some background, I’m a 27 year old bisexual (probably?) woman. I’ve got a new job that I’m enjoying so far, though it’s a lot more work than I’ve had in others, a great and fairly large social circle of friends and family, my own place that I really like, interests and hobbies I need to start picking back up now that the pandemic seems to be slowing down a bit, and I’m reaching a point where I want a relationship of some kind. I haven’t really dated much in general, a few first dates here and there and a 2 month thing in college that just sort of fizzled out. I mostly meet folks through dating apps nowadays, except the two month thing in college which was through a swing dancing club.

One other note is, I’ve never been diagnosed, but I definitely have some flavor of social anxiety, plus probably depression or possibly ADHD. I manage it fairly well, but it does mean that in new social situations I tend to be a bit on edge, and overcompensate by kind of putting on an over the top bubbly persona, which doesn’t always help people get to know the real me. I also somewhat regularly get overwhelmed with trying to balance work, basic life stuff (keeping apartment clean, cooking, keeping up with appointments, etc), and my social life, and usually the first thing that goes out the window for me is dating, so I’ll be the first to admit I’m not always putting effort into dating.

My main problem though is I’m having a hard time nailing down exactly what I’m looking for in a relationship. Like I said, I’m probably bisexual but I often feel more romantically attracted to masc-leaning folks but sexually attracted to femme folks, which is tricky. Additionally, I’m also not sure on the level of seriousness and commitment I’m looking for. I definitely want a long term committed partner eventually, but it takes me a while to warm up to folks. Even within my friend group, most of them are folks that I’ve known for years (still hang out with some folks I’ve been friends with in high school or earlier) and even then it took me a bit over a year to really feel comfortable and established with some of my newer friends.

On dating apps, when I’ve gone on dates with folks that are looking for something more serious, it always feels like I’m trying to force a connection, but conversely, if I go on dates with folks looking for something more casual, it often tends to just fizzle out with one of us ghosting the other. I also just have a hard time judging whether I’m even attracted to someone in the first place over an app and texts. In person, I tend to click better with people I meet and make friends fairly easily, but once again it takes me a while to figure out whether I’m actually attracted to someone. I think I’m probably somewhere on the demisexuality spectrum, but what that usually means is by the time I figure out I might be into someone, they’ve usually lost any interest they might have had or have started dating someone else by that point. And I once I do develop a crush on someone, they tend to be fairly intense and linger for ages even after I’ve confirmed that it isn’t going to happen, which makes it harder for me to be interested in other folks.

Part of the problem too is that I’m almost always the one to initiate. I don’t think I’m necessarily unattractive, but I am a bit overweight (working on getting back into dancing and weightlifting for that) and definitely not someone who has a bunch of folks pursuing them. I’ve gotten better about not being scared to be the one to initiate when I think I might be interested (thanks a great deal to a lot of your advice!) but it is kind of hard to be the initiator when you aren’t often sure of what you’re looking for yourself.

I could ramble on more, but in short, do you have any advice for how to date when you’re slow to warm to people and aren’t entirely sure what it is you’re looking for anyways?

Thanks,
Lukewarm and Indecisive

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Help, I’m A Virgin and It’s Ruining My Love Life!

May 6, 2022 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

First off, thank you for all the help! Your writing is exactly what so many people need to hear compared to the baseline internet dating advice. It has let me make immense strides with myself. I would not be having this issue without you; I would be 10 steps further back. There is always more work to do, however.

I am a Bi 20M in college who is scared to be sexual/flirt/initiate in that way with anyone. I am a virgin, and am mostly okay with this, but I will have chances to have sex thrown in my face and am almost comically unable to do anything, even though I know exactly what is on the table. Understand that this is a confusing and somewhat scary topic for me to broach. One time, someone asked me if I wanted to go to their room with them and “watch Netflix” and I stood there and said I had to play basketball with my friends. I hate basketball! I like her too! I do these things in third person it feels like, I’m just watching someone else do things I do not want. This is one of a myriad of situations I find myself in, consistently enough to be very frustrating. I was asked once to dirty talk over FaceTime (I did not understand the cues until I was essentially flat out asked). I could not do it. She would tell me just to say what was on my mind, it was completely blank. I felt completely inadequate when the call ended. Every sexual encounter I have had has been initiated by the partner.

I understand it is okay to be more restrictive with sex as a man, I don’t have to have sex with a ton of people to gain “value” or prove something, but this has become a problem. There will be mutual interest, and everything will go well, but I don’t make any moves sexually and things will fizzle out. It’s an important part of a relationship and something that I do want. I considered asexuality, but I decided that does not describe who I am.

It feels like a self-fulfilling prophecy, every failure compounds the anxiety the next time I find myself in these situations. Not having sexual experience is creating the anxiety that makes me recoil from sexual experience. What should I do about this? Read some smut and take notes? Keep at it until I get over The Fear? Find someone who understands and can take it slow? Stop making a big deal out of something that is not so (sex)? Is this intentional?

Thanks,
-Fear is my Mind Killer

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