ask dr. nerdlove Archives - Paging Dr. NerdLove

Ask Dr. NerdLove: Why Does Sex Ruin My Relationships?

August 19, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Doc,

My question is about forming lasting relationships rather than any initial problems meeting girls.

I was seeing this girl recently and initially things went really well – I felt there was a lot of chemistry and compatibility and we got physical very quickly. We had sex a couple of times and it seemed great at the time, and we both said that we had serious feelings for each other (though I said it first). We met up a few more times and she kept giving reasons why that night she didn’t want to get physically intimate. My friends told me not to worry but I felt something was amiss.

Finally, she came over to watch a movie and told me that, while she really liked me as a person and as a friend, she was finding it hard to be interested in me sexually.

This also happened to a girl I was dating for about three months last year – after a really happy initial period when we were always together and having lots of sex, she said she started to just view me as a friend. How can I keep women interested in me romantically past the initial hooking up phase?

Petite Morte

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: What Does “Not Ready For A Relationship” REALLY Mean?

August 16, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove,

I’ve been listening and reading your works for a while now, and I have found your insights and advice really helpful —and your obvert feminism and repudiation of pseudoscience wonderfully refreshing, considering what the standards of the industry sometimes seem to be.

I am a 27 year-old straight male that, one year after a friendly break-up that I’ve spent working on self-improvement, feels ready to get back on the dating wagon.

Some weeks ago I met a girl at work whom I found instantly attractive. I got her number and, after another random meeting at work, started messaging her the next two weeks, during a holiday trip she took. What started as simply making sure that my interest was noticed (so that we could maybe meet after her holidays) turned quickly into daily conversations, and soon after into hardcore flirting by both of us.

She proposed to meet the day after she was back, and ended up spending about 10 hours together, from the early afternoon until after midnight. Everything felt natural and clicked, the sexual tension was palpable, and before the date was over we were making out passionately. All in all a wonderful experience.

Thing is: a few days later we met again, and this time she suggested bringing some friends to the meeting. The night was fun and all, but I didn’t feel there was an appropriate time to make out again: no intimate time, no time just the both of us; still, the chemistry was there, so I didn’t make a great deal of it.

Fast forward to a few days ago, when we met alone right before she went again on a trip, and had the conversation I feel really confused and want to ask you about.

She wanted to talk about how she felt about us, and told me that while on the one hand she felt attracted to me and really enjoyed our conversations, and thought we clicked together, on the other she wasn’t sure about wanting to pursue a physical relationship at the moment. She added that there had been times in her life when she felt pressured by the expectations of others to become physical or sexual with other men even when she wasn’t too sure about it, and didn’t want to experience that pressure again. She also said that she was seeing other people, and really didn’t contemplate the possibility of an exclusive relationship for the time being. She enjoyed everything that had happened so far, and didn’t find any fault with me or my doing.

Much of this didn’t bother me: I don’t know that I want anything serious yet, I’m seeing other people too, and, although I’m REALLY attracted to her (sexually and as a person, and I made sure to state this clearly), I’m nowhere close to infatuation.

The question is: should I assume that she’s not really sexually interested in me (her relatively convoluted way of saying that being simply a stylistic choice) and move on? That being the case, how does that make sense after such a (and I really, really don’t think I’m misreading this) passionate and wonderful date, preceded by unmistakable flirtation and followed by what seems to be a genuine interest to see me again and maintain some form of an active relationship (albeit perhaps a non-sexual one)?

The entire story spans only a few weeks, and it ending without getting any further wouldn’t be tragic, but I’m intrigued by what appears to me as an erratic behaviour or inescrutable expectations, and perhaps there is a transcendental truth I’m not seeing to be learnt from this experience.

Not Sure I Understand People

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do I Stop Feeling Worthless?

August 12, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dr. NerdLove,

I’m writing you on my 31st birthday, which I’ll be spending mostly alone. In 31 years on this good green earth, I have dated -maybe- three people in brief stints. For most of my life I’ve been a fat, shy, anxious nerd with weird interests and a lot of stress between my home, school, and work lives. As a result, there’s never been room for a love life.

I have a lot of issues with self esteem and confidence. It kinda hangs on you after a decade of being a failure at life, but in the last five or six I’ve managed to hold on to good jobs, finish my Bachelors, and start to resemble an adult.

This hasn’t changed much about my outlook on myself. I’m still fat. I’m balding. I’m an awkward weirdo. I’m in a long distance relationship with a woman my age who has been an absolute gem to me, and we’ve been keeping it going for about two years now.

The feeling I can’t shake, that keeps lingering like a fart cloud over every bit of progress in my life, is “You’re not worth it.” This feeling of being worthless to anyone in any romantic capacity. I’m unattractive. I’m awkward. I live at home. I have a low on totem pole job. I bring nothing to the table in a relationship besides a desire to see my partner happy.

What I guess I want to ask, is what can I do to work past this feeling? I hate hating myself and want to feel moderately normal in my own skin. What am I missing that will make me feel like someone worth being around?

Sincerely,

Bad Company in Boston

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do I Stop Being Afraid of Flirting?

August 9, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Doc,

Despite all my efforts, my dating life has been awfully devoid of romantic connections, and I have an inkling that I might be creating that problem for myself. Maybe you can help clarify things.

Some background: I’m male and 27. I used to be a shy kid in school, had few (but mostly close) friends. The very idea of opening up to someone romantically was scary and embarrassing. Having blossomed at university, I found what I’d like to think of as my true self. I’m a lot more outgoing and charismatic than back then. Finding friends has become easy and I have a bunch of interesting and social hobbies. And about five years ago, I started dipping my toes in the dating pool and conquering my fear of vulnerability. Huzzah!

Fast forward to now: I’ve gone on first dates with almost 60 women, most of whom I got to know through Tinder and OKCupid. Rarely was there a second date, which I understand is somewhat par for the course online. And exactly twice has there been a connection that was more than “kind of a nice person, but nah”. In both cases, things fizzled out around date three. That, frankly, is frustrating.

One of the conclusions I’ve drawn is that while I think I can play the online dating game fairly well (i.e. find people to go on first dates with), it doesn’t feel fulfilling. The whole experience is just more interesting and intense IRL. That I can work with. But conclusion #2 stumps me: I think have a hard time flirting.

On the one hand, I find it hard to show romantic interest in someone, in particular in groups. “What if everyone sees I might be into her?!” On the other hand, I tend to question my interest. I often wonder how much interest I should have in someone in order to ask her out. What do I need to feel or think about her in order to get physically close? Sure, she’s interesting and I like looking at her – but is that enough to warrant the occasional light touch here and there? I have a hunch that since I don’t overtly/physically flirt in these situations, the women I’m on dates with never get a chance to actually feel if they are, in turn, attracted to me. So it looks like we’re not attracted to each other (or we’re both unsure) but we might hit it off if I just took that leap.

Does that make sense? If so, what can I do apart from making the steadfast resolution to flirt physically (and then chicken out)?

Organic Chemistry

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do I Talk To My Girlfriend About Her Weight?

August 2, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey Doc,

I’m dealing with an issue with my partner that I’m not sure how to handle. I’m a 32 year old straight male who has recently come off a long single streak. I’m settling into a new relationship with younger woman which is going swimmingly with one glaring issue. My partner in the past year lost a good deal of weight, to the tune of over 70 lbs. At the moment I’d say she is still 10-20lbs short of a truly attractive and healthy weight. When I got into our relationship I took this as a sign of someone who had decided to turn their life around and get healthy, something I can really respect. As our relationship has progressed however I have realized that she has decided that her current weight is perfect and ideal. This may have something to do with her friends and family who seem to delight in teasing her for being “so small”. I’m trying to figure out how to deal with this on several levels.

On a superficial level I just would love to see the woman I love looking as good as possible. More importantly however I have a personal hangup with false body positivity. I don’t mind people being overweight however I have a very hard time with people who glorify fat as “curvy” or simply deny the state of their bodies. I am a reasonably attractive individual but far from perfect and I constantly work to improve how I look and I’m very open about my continuing commitment to health. In contrast my partner seems to reflect the image of being tiny that her friends and family tease her about back without consideration of her actual weight. This is what I have the most trouble with as whenever she makes a comment glorifying something about her weight and how tiny she is I know I freeze up as it really rubs me the wrong way.

I’m aware that this is a personal issue with me, not necessarily her, but it is something that I know I need to deal with in order for us to continue to have a long term relationship. On the flip side however I’m unsure how to have the conversation in a way that doesn’t come off as “hey, I think you’re fat”.

Would love any suggestions you may have as to how I can deal with this!

Not Looking For A Little Extra

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