Today’s Ask Dr. NerdLove is a longer and slightly more rambling question than I usually run with, but it illustrates a problem that I think a lot of younger guys (and girls, really) have that doesn’t get talked about all that often. Sometimes it’s just a case of someone you know who… Well, I should probably let the writer do the talking, huh?
Take it away:
I just found this place and man, I’m going to be using the crap out of it. Your ability to not sugar coat anything is refreshing, and I’m wondering if you can help me out. You see, all I see myself is as average, and while topics such as ‘How to be interesting‘ and others are good, I never feel as if it relates to my situation.
What is my situation? I’m a nerdy guy in high school (Or what you would call high school anyhow) and while I’m not particularly looking for any relationship, I never feel like I could ever be in one. My Crush is way, way out of my league (not in a popular clique way, just in I assume I wouldn’t get the time of day and I’ve waited to long to make a move) and all the time I feel obscenely average. Sure, I get better grades than a lot of people, which then makes me feel guilty that I whine, but I don’t feel much in the self-worth department. TDP doesn’t help.
TDP is Too Damn Perfect, I guy I am friends with but half the time want to rip his throat out. You see, I sit next to him in lessons, and every time he recites a particular anecdote, or performs some amazing magic trick or slight of hand, I want to punch him in the face then inevitably be destroyed by his black belt Taekwondo skills (After mockingly berating my for calling it karate)
See where I’m going with this? From my perspective this guy has it all, a string of romantic interests, good sports skills, way better at all subjects, general knowledge, and most infuriatingly, nerdy interests that he can dive into (For example, what for what I class as being a die-hard fan he would beat me in a trivia contest as a person who is only slightly interested). He’s a good guy, and obviously not trying to make me feel like shit, but he does. If I ever brig up the subject he’ll just go on about how he’s not the best and he hates that and bitch about it. Similar to what I do but, hey ho, I’ve never had a real relationship (move on to that later….)
It really doesn’t help that TDP is a member of the band I’m in (It’s definitely not mine ). Playing bass is about the only interesting thing I do (And in music terms that’s still the dullest) , and while I can play, I only have a basic knowledge of actual playing, rather than anything technical. So when TDP comes in talking about scales and fancy Italian words I want to hit him with his drumsticks. To top it all off he can play bass at what I perceive to be the same as my, which brings me out in red.
Usually I can suppress this anger and just hang around him. But every so often he’ll say one harmless comment which I take as particularly condescending and and up pissed for the rest of the day. I know I need to get over myself and live my own life, but this cycle and getting pissed and leaving it needs to stop and your the harsh talking kind of guy to do it. I feel insecure, worthless, and end up contemplating- What is my chance with a woman if they can pick the superior guy next to me?
Now, I’ll mention relationships now (Juicy rather than white boy problems). I’ve had pretty much no action in my life. I tried to get to know someone over Facebook (Pathetic I know) and that just fizzled, and while I’ve had a couple offers, they’ve all been from people I consider friends, nothing else there. The only action I’ve ever had is at a boozy party (I am not a crook!) My mates decided it was time they really got pissed, and being boring as hell, I didn’t like the idea at all. Still, I went, barely had a drop, but the interesting thing is a drunk chick (who I don’t know) coming onto me. Seeing because I’m lame and old-fashioned, I did not want to take advantage of her when drunk, so just pushed her away. At school I was getting ribbed by my friends and she was apologizing profusely , noting how she gave ‘a bad first impression’ and ‘would want to talk as normal people’. End of the week my band was playing an open mike night and she and her friends were there. After a crap load of peer pressure, I was pushed towards her sitting alone (I follow some rules) and we talked. And kissed. I was pretty on top of the world- first kiss, first chance of a relationship, I was clapping myself on the back for not taking advantage…..
Then it fell apart. I hung out with her and her friends for the day a few days later (Staying in contact before then) and it was okay at first, but she seemed distant later on in retrospect. Day after, by text of all things, she confesses how she was only liking me as a friend and it wasn’t going to work out.
In retrospect I was more into the idea of a relationship than one specifically with her, but still it hurt. No-one seemed to ask about it at all, so I kept it bottled up. This came with the insecurities of thinking if one day is all it takes for someone to not stand me, then I must be unattractive as hell. Plus I haven’t talked to her since then, so I really have no closure whatsoever. To bring it full circle though, she mentioned how someone was annoyed at her for coming onto me in the first place, because the other girl had a thing for me, and then my crush, as a passing comment, noted she hated her (The drunk). My brain put two and two together, and I came to the conclusion my crush may like me!
Of course that is more wishful thinking than if your house fell down Punk’d will come out and laugh at you. I know it is extremely unlikely it’s connected, yet it has brought my infatuation with my crush to new heights. My lack of self esteem, proneness to jealousy, hatred of the social hierarchy, fear of being a fool, and knowing I’ve missed my chance prevents me from doing anything. Besides, as you’ve said, high-school romances suck (though not from where I’m standing…)
So what can you prescribe Doc.? I am assuming a bottle of Man-the-fuck-up and some Get-the-fuck-over-yourself are going to be useful, with some added Believe-in-yourself and that snake oil. It’s been good to vent anyhow, I just want to know, when the hell can I stop comparing myself to others and start getting to places with women? I’m guessing college, but that’s just too far away…
Pretty Bloody Average