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ASK DR. NERDLOVE: Can You Learn To Love Being Single?

February 5, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

I’m answering your most important dating questions! If you have a question about love, sex or dating, then be sure to leave a comment. Maybe the next question I answer will be yours!

This week: Valentine’s Day is coming, and it’s stressing people out. How can you learn to be happy when you’re single, especially when it seems like the universe is determined to remind you that everyone else is coupled up and you’re not?

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The Secret to Being Successful With Women

How To Get Over Your Fear Of Rejection

How To Survive Valentine’s Day (When You’re Single)

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Help, He’s Afraid Of Flirting

February 3, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dr. NerdLove,

This will probably needs some context. First, I’m polyamorous; I’m married, have a long-term girlfriend, and still occasionally go out with new people. Everyone knows and consents, it’s all ethically done, and it’s going great.

The second important part is that I was raised in the evangelical tradition of purity culture; more specifically the relatively egalitarian I Kissed Dating Goodbye tradition, where both men and women are pressured to avoid any proximity to anything even vaguely sexual. Obviously I don’t cling to that still — I’m a progressive feminist who’s dealing with more anger at my faith and upbringing than fondness at the moment — but I clung to it long enough that my first sexual encounter was on my wedding night, in my mid-20s. Polyamory was something my wife and I transitioned into after a few years of marriage and a looooot of research and soul-searching.

That setup might have been rife for things to go wrong; basically learning how to date as an introverted married man in my late 20s with little sexual experience beyond a single partner sure was awkward at times, and in general it can be difficult to meet people who are cool with the whole non-monogamy thing. Half my matches ghost when I bring it up, even though I state it clearly in my profile. But aside from some awkwardness and difficulty finding people, it’s actually been a super positive experience and not much has gone wrong. It’s been really amazing being able to have casual sex and connect with people without the pressure of purity theology haunting my every move.

My problem is that I’m deathly afraid of coming on too strong. I’m sure my relative lack of experience is part of it, but I also spent the first decade since my adolescence believing that anyone who pursued sex was inherently a sinful scumbag, then transitioned to a more progressive outlook that’s painfully aware of how many shitty, horny men women have to put up with on a regular basis. I no longer believe the former, but I suspect the conditioning is still in there somewhere, and mixed with a fear of accidentally coming across like a pick-up-artist asshole or something, I basically just never do… anything.

It took my girlfriend and I months to have sex, even though we both wanted to, because I was so slow-moving and cautious that apparently gave the impression that maybe my non-monogamy wasn’t a sexual thing. Most of my conversations on dating apps fizzle out after a while of conversation that focuses on getting to know the other person, and sometimes I wonder if it might have led to something if I’d been more openly flirtatious. But I’m so concerned with my partner’s comfort level that I never make any sexual interest known.

Part of this is a personality thing, I know; I’m a generally very considerate, open, and vulnerable person, and not all that good at stepping outside my natural modes of behavior. Acting cool or confident has never been my strong suit, and the less said about my attempts to dom for my submissive partners, the better. I’m naturally concerned with the comfort of whoever I’m with, and don’t want to injure that by accident or design.

But I think some part of me still assumes that sexual advances are unwanted unless it’s been made explicitly clear to the contrary, which means I never make the first move and lots of connections just never go there. I know that women enjoy sex too, and it’s possible to express my sexual interest without being creepy about it, but I don’t feel confident I know how, and my anxiety about accidentally coming across wrong keeps me from making any advances.

I’d love to hear your perspective.

Sincerely,
A Purity Culture Survivor

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How Does He Learn To Be Single Again?

January 31, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Doc,

I’m about to turn 35, and find myself single after 12 years of being in a relationship. My ex and I met in college on a study abroad, and were friends (with benefits) for many months before we became exclusive. That friendship developed, evolved, and after six years of dating (four living together) we got married.

We were married for another six years until she suffered the loss of someone very close to her which ended up impacting our relationship greatly. We saw a therapist, both together and separately, and tried very hard over the course of nearly two years to rebuild the relationship, but ultimately we grew apart and decided to divorce. We remain friends to this day, but now I find myself single, and if I’m being honest a bit scared of it. We were separated and living apart for the last 1.5 years of our marriage, so it doesn’t feel like I’m coming right out of a relationship anymore. The pain of saying goodbye to my marriage has come and gone, and I finally feel ready to start exploring life again as a single guy. But unlike last time I was single (college) I’m not constantly surrounded by new people. Hell, last time I was single apps like Tinder and Bumble didn’t exist! I have joined the various online apps, and have been on a few first dates.

The first dates went about as expected given that I was new to online dating, and really dating again in general. The first date had great conversation, but lacked attraction, the second date there was attraction, but the conversation lacked some chemistry, and the third-first date had chemistry on both fronts, but external factors with family (she has a kid, and my family had some health issues) caused a second date to be indefinitely postponed until things just fizzled.

So I’m reaching out to you and your audience to better understand how one starts over in this brave new online world. With work, trying to start a new business, and maintaining healthy habits at the gym my time is limited, and it’s hard to motivate myself actually go OUT and meet new people. There are plenty of women I find attractive at the gym, but my assumption has always been that these women probably get hit on plenty there and just want a place where they can zone out and do their thing, much like I do at the gym. That said, I’d be totally okay with being hit on at the gym, so perhaps I’m putting up barriers for myself that don’t exist.

As you can probably tell by now, I’m not quite sure how to be single guy looking. I’m not really looking for anything too serious, but also not relegating myself to simply hooking up with people. That said, starting with something casual would be okay. Part of that long separation in my last relationship also means it’s been quite the stretch since I’ve had sex, and I’m not going to lie, I miss it! But where to begin? Datings apps, going out, speed dating, the gym . . . do I just cast a wide net, or is there a strategy to singledom?

Any and all help is greatly appreciated,

Starting Over Single

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How Do I Tell Someone She’s My Backup Girlfriend?

January 27, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey Dr. NerdLove,

First of all, you’ve written amazing articles on your website. Because if you, I’ve had a lot more dating success. Keep up the great work.

My question is very “First world problem”. I’ve been dating a particular woman on and off (let’s call her H) during the last year. Meanwhile, I’ve gone on a few first dates with others. H is aware of this but doesn’t know the full extent of my romantic life.

H isn’t my girlfriend, and I don’t intend to get into an official relationship with her. For instance, Valentine’s Day is coming up and I think I’d rather spend it with a different woman. But, I don’t want to hurt H’s feelings, and I want to keep seeing her until I commit to someone.

Recently, H told me she loves me. I don’t love her. Honestly, I don’t want to hurt H, and I do want to to keep seeing her, as long as we’re casual.

I suppose we have to break up eventually, but that might not be for years. Or maybe, if I don’t find anyone else who’s marriage material, I might have to settle for H despite her flaws. I don’t like to call someone my “backup choice” but I guess that’s how it is.

I want to approach the situation with honesty and make everyone happy the long run. How do I best talk with H about this?

On The Back Burner

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He’s Tired of One Night Stands. How Does He Start Finding Relationships?

January 24, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

3 and a half years ago, I used to suck at relationships. I was not the nicest person to be around, being selfish, entitled, needy… the whole package. My relationships, if any, never lasted more than 3 months and almost always ended up in the other person ghosting me, and since I apparently never got the message, breaking up in the worst terms possible. So I got coaching. Yes, this did terrible things to my life, but that’s another topic.

Anyway. after this coaching thing was over I met who I then thought was the perfect woman. She made me want to feel better, she was always fun to hang with, I never was tired when she was around, she had a crazy sex drive (which meant we almost never slept), she got me into art and movies, she wasn’t afraid of calling me sexy and hot, something that had never happened to me before… it was a wonderful year.

But then things changed for both of us. She started her own business and I was jobless, so seeing each other was hard. I had no reliable source of income, so I couldn’t afford the 2-and-a-half hours ride to her place that often, and she suddenly had way less time for me since she had to devote everything to other things. She ended things up, seeing how it was complicated to make it work.

And I fell hard.

I had to go to therapy. I cried many nights. I gained a lot of weight. I sabotaged a couple of relationships after her, just because they weren’t her.

Eventually, things got a bit better. I now know that what I longed for (still do, sometimes) was the “her” of that time, that was so compatible with the “me” back then. And we’re not the same persons we were.

But since being lonely after getting used to having sex almost everywhere, every day, is not a nice feeling, I somehow got good at the “one night stands” game. It’s not hard for me to get someone to spend the night with, but it always ends there. No second dates, no “stay for breakfast”… nothing. And I’m beginning to fear that I’m too afraid to open up again, just because nobody can measure up to the one relationship I had that did not suck. So, is there anything I can do? Am I past the point of no return? In other words, how do I get a relationship?

Thanks in advance.

Stray Cat Strut

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