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Help, My Boyfriend Is Engaged… To Someone Else!

June 3, 2022 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Doc,

I’ve appreciate your advice and I’m wondering if you can help me with the issue I’m dealing with currently. I am a straight woman (24), and everyone involved here is 22 years old.

The whole story is long, but the short version is I knowingly slept with a guy who was engaged. I have a acquaintance in my current friend group, H. H had a girlfriend for most of the time I knew him, M. Earlier this year H and I slept together. H and I acknowledged that we both had feelings for each other and told me multiple times I am super important to him and he is very attracted to me. He used the word infatuated with me. He and M had been fighting the last 8-9 months which I didn’t know until about a few days ago but I knew that they weren’t happy with each other at the moment. H has cheated on M back in high school and broke up with her but then got back together. I developed strong feelings after talking ever single day morning and night, learning about each other and having sex multiple times etc yada yada.

After we slept together, H told me that he would not and is not willing to leave M and planned to marry her in which the wedding was In 2 months. I told him I’m just happy having him in my life and because I’ve never had someone put in effort to know me and compliment me I agreed to stay on the side. H made it clear that she, M, should never find out about us. I made it clear that I never wanted him to choose between me and her only that I was happy with him. Over a period of time H and I would have sex multiple times and talk on the phone everyday and text every chance we could get. H went to the grocery store after asking about foods l like and stocked up on food for me. He told me he was only practicing guitar to impress me. But with all the sneaking around I almost started to feel like he wanted to be caught. When M was home he would walk me to my car and we would kiss right in public. While she was downstairs in her bedroom, H and I had sex in another room in the house. A about a week ago, H and I had sex again and M walked in on us. She yelled at him and me and I walked out of the room. Both H and I knew that M had many suspicions about H and I to the point were she told H” I don’t like the way you look and talk to her(me), because you don’t look and talk to me the same way.” M also would make H leave the house with her when I came over to hangout with another friend who lives in the house. ( This house consists of 5 boys which I and them are all friends, M was living in the house with H). The next morning M came by and packed up all her things and moved out. I chose to give H some space as the family and many there knew what went down and I thought I’d wait about a week then reach out to see how he was doing. M very clearly dislikes me. M and I have never been friends, just met once, but I’m part of the friend group her fiancé(H) is in so I see H and the boys all the time.

H then blocked me on social media and through phone/text. When my other friend,N, who lives in the house invited me over to hang as I met H through N, H and I sat and talked to which when I asked him why he blocked me and said “I had to. M told me to block you.” I can understand why she would want that but I asked him if he personally for himself wanted to block me as blocking someone usually means they don’t want anything to do with that person anymore. H said nothing is my fault and he knew exactly what he was doing. He said he told M that he initiated everything and pursued me. But that he and M are trying to figure stuff out and trying to decide whether they want to remain together or not. Therefore he said verbatim “ I am not willing to unblock you until M gives me permission to unblock you or when she is comfortable with me talking to you one on one again”. That hit in a type of way that I still haven’t been able to put my finger on it. It doesn’t make any sense. Why would someone block me, say that they didn’t want to block me but they’re only doing it until they get confirmation from the ex, and if the ex gives them permission to unblock me then they will”. H said that he wants to remain friends and is more than willing to hang out when I come over at the house but he’s not willing to talk to me one on one or hang out one on one until M gives him permission. He keeps saying that he is sorry but that I told him that he always says sorry but never has a reason and that his patterns don’t change. All I get is sorry and he said that that’s all he can give people is a sorry.

I feel stupid about the whole thing, and have have a lot of anxiety when I go over to hang out that I did not have before. Everyone in the friend group has stated that they don’t think anything is my fault because I’ve acknowledged and communicated very clearly that I have romantic feelings towards H & H also knew from the get go and still knows that I have romantic feelings towards him. I don’t think anything is my fault I know the role I played and the only role that I played is I knowingly got involved with someone who was engaged and stayed involved with him because I developed feelings for him and I truly believed that he developed feelings for me and I wanted him. He would constantly say that he developed feelings for me and when we talked he told me that he considered what we had a relationship and when we hung out like dates. I truly believe that he generally cared for me I just think that he is confused and I don’t know and what area of his life and I think that he is codependent and I think that he’s not able to make his own decisions to what he wants. He has said himself that he is a people pleaser so I feel like he has been trying to please M and me at the same time and that’s not realistic.

I’ve had moments after being around Him where I’ve considered giving up on our friendship/interest altogether, but that would mean me having make a decision on losing/removing someone I cared about and still care about. I would wonder “what if”. I often feel angry, hurt, and rejection and I point it at myself because I’m not accepting something that didn’t go my way. I’ve had rejection before and I’ve had a okay amount of break ups before so I don’t know why I am taking this one so personally. Every break up is hard and losing people and people blocking you is hard and I’ve been able to move on with it within a few days but for some reason this one is sticking with me. Like I feel rejected and betrayed but then I tell myself why am I surprised because he did originally say that he had no plans on leaving her. She had to leave him and yet they’re still considering being together. Which basically just means I have no chance and I am just someone on the side that could distract him from his upcoming marriage. I tell myself that time heals everything so I’ve been trying to over the days distract myself by working out and getting books from the library to read but yet the same words keep replaying in my head “ I will only unblock you if M allows me to unblock you”. Which in a way says to me that he’s saying “I am only willing to be your friend if M chooses not to be with me anymore. If she and I stay together, I am not willing to talk to you again unless I see you in person”. Although time has gotten easier within the week it still plays in my mind how someone could allow someone else to have so much power over them in deciding who they want in their lives. And I’m having a very hard time Being able to frame it in my mindset in a different way where it doesn’t bother me anymore. And I’m having trouble being able to see it from a males perspective who has been in a long-term relationship. But also in a relationship that he has not been fully happy in. Why does someone choose to stay with someone they’re not happy with, when that person really has nothing materialistic or financially wealthy to offer them.

I finally got to the point where this negative energy was taking up so much of my mindset and just my heart was pounding, certain songs would make me think about him, and certain movies I can’t watch at the moment. So I eventually this morning messaged my friend, N, who I met H through, and because they live in the same house and N is not really a part of any of this I decided to tell N that because of the whole situation with H deciding to block me and only wanting to see me over at the house until he gets “permission”, I didn’t think that H deserves to be able to see me. Therefore I would not be willing to hang out with H anymore as H & N and I would normally hang out together most of the time. H and N are also best friends and are like brothers. I told N that I would be willing to hang out with him but for the time being I thought it was just too disrespectful to allow someone to get to have me in their life but also block me at the same time. Basically saying “hey I still care about you and want to be your friend but I’m going to block you and keep you blocked”. I told N that I understand that he didn’t want to be in the middle of it and he has been in the middle of it because H and I are his two best friends so he’s basically watching his two best friends fight. But I chose to do this for myself because I don’t know what else to do to control my situation. I can’t control H’s actions or feelings or anyone else’s so I have to try to control my own. And I feel like I haven’t had control of the situation. I feel like maybe I have attachment issues and I don’t like people leaving or ignoring me. I personally just feel like I wouldn’t be able to come over to the house and see H without some type of resentment towards him due to the fact that he is choosing to block me off of someone else’s demand. I told N this obviously isn’t the most ideal situation but it’s the only thing that I can think of to allow myself to heal. I am not able to heal while still having in person contact with H. I told N that I don’t feel like I will be able to move on in a healthy way if I hang out with him and H every single weekend like usual. N didn’t respond, and still hasn’t responded so I don’t really know what to make of that. H told me that he will reach out to me if he gets the OK to do so. I feel like this is just a way to keep me waiting around. Yet in all this craziness I’m still beating myself up because there’s this a little bit of me hoping that H will choose me. Even though I really don’t think that will happen. I don’t think I have a .05% chance of him choosing me.

And I guess that’s where I could use your help. Moving on in a healthy way. Being able to word anything in a more clear concise and understandable way to get my point across to H. Should I even try to get my point across to H even though I’ve tried many times. Any point of view from a male mindset. Any advice would be appreciated. Because in reality right now either I get over my ego and hang out with both H and N because N( my friend) lives in the same house with H and that’s not going to change anytime soon. Therefore am I putting N in a position where he feels like he has to choose between me and H. Or for the time being should I expect N to respect my decision to not want to personally see H, and if N drops me as a friend it’s for the better. Or just overall how do I go about the situation knowing that either I have to choose to not hang out with one of my friends to not see someone who has disrespected me. Or is there a way that I can hopefully move on, protect my own feelings and heart and emotions and energy, while being able to hang out with N and see H at the same time. In reality if I want to hang out with N, I will probably see H.

Thanks,
The Other Woman

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Should I Get Plastic Surgery In Order To Get Dates?

May 25, 2022 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

Would it be too much trouble for you to help solve an ongoing debate between me and my friends? I’m a brand-new college graduate and the “ugly” one in my friend group, just as I was in high school and will probably always be. I’m slim, fit, tallish but not too tall, I put time into my hair, skin, and makeup, I dress probably the best of all of us despite not being wealthy, I’m a super smart, funny, unique, creative person who, while introverted, is not shy or antisocial – I’m 95% sure the main problem is my face. I would like at the very least to get a rhinoplasty on my large, bony, semi-hooked nose, and double jaw surgery to shorten my extremely long chin and midface and bring the total length of my face more into harmony with its narrowness. But I’m afraid I’ll be in my late 20’s or even 30’s before I can afford it, by which point, why bother? On top of that I have thin lips, no visible cheekbones, and small, close-set brown eyes – all of which I do my best to correct with makeup, but having seen most of my friends without makeup, my best effort still falls far short of where they are naturally. My hair is long and shiny, but takes forever to grow and two different stylists have confirmed it’s too fine to bleach without risk of destroying it, so I can’t just go blonde and get an instant hotness boost like many meh-looking brunettes can.

My three best friends (the ones I’m close enough to vent to about my insecurities) are all big-blue/hazel-eyed, full-lipped, small-nosed, cute-faced girls. Two of them have amazing boyfriends, the third does not want to be in a relationship yet (although she could get one the second she changes her mind) but seems to sleep with a different hot, often older guy at least once a week. Yet they, like the rest of my friends, all complain constantly about being hit on by guys they’re not interested in, mobbed by guys at bars/clubs where they just want to drink/dance, asked out on dates by weirdos at work, guys pretending to be their friends just to creep on them, strange men coming up to them at the grocery store or gas station just to tell them they’re beautiful. Whereas I have literally never once in my life been hit on, even in places people go specifically to hook up – never been asked out – never had any guy but my dad tell me I’m pretty/beautiful – and can’t imagine I ever will.

From age 5-6 when my reasonably cute baby face started to turn weird, through 15-16 when I finally figured out how to dress and groom myself and went on Accutane, I never lacked boys calling me *ugly*…now, other women and sometimes gay guys compliment my outfits all the time…but otherwise I have never once had an unrelated male human being comment on my appearance in a positive way. I don’t even have any non-gay male friends (as opposed to just FOAFs) – possibly because, in my female friends’ experience, any guy who’s your friend really just wants to bang you, and nobody wants to bang me. (I will say that during the height of the pandemic, I noticed strange men *looking* at me, for the first time in my life, and even being somewhat gallant toward me, when I was wearing a mask…but none of them were apparently willing to risk chatting me up without knowing what I looked like underneath.)

A couple of nights ago I had a dream I was at a big, loud, chaotic party, the kind where you can only have a conversation by shouting directly in the other person’s ear, and caught a cute little redheaded guy staring shyly at me from across the crowded room; I did the thing where you smile and look away, and looked back to see him tentatively starting toward me, and smiled again to encourage him, and felt my whole heart and body light up and glow as I looked flirtily away again, absolutely knowing he was making his way across the room toward me. I woke up well before he got to me, and immediately started crying because it’s the exact kind of thing I long for, that would never, ever happen to me in real life. I know how to give the look…I just don’t get the response.

I do get occasional Tinder matches, but those guys never message me, and if I message them (which I really need to stop doing), they either don’t reply, or make it clear they’re not really interested. So I can only conclude that these are the guys who blindly swipe right on every girl, then when we match they actually look at me, and decide I’m not good enough. I’m still a virgin because it seems my only option would be to get super drunk and just throw myself at the grossest guys in the bar until one of them decides I’m worth a pity fuck, and somehow I still have too much self-respect for that.

When I ask my friends if they’d want to trade places with me, they accuse me of being antifeminist and not having empathy for their problems, while refusing to have empathy for mine. It’s getting to be a self-fulfilling prophecy where I’m less and less able to make the right supportive noises when they complain about all these creeps and weirdos, because I can’t help thinking how awesome it would be to have a constant parade of guys approaching *me*, and be able to pick which ones I wanted to sleep with/date – or if the one I wanted was too shy to join the parade, to at least be assured he’d probably be thrilled if I approached him. Rather than always bearing the burden of having to do the approaching, and getting my emotions and self-esteem trampled in the dirt again and again and again. It’s not that I fail to see the downside or am unwilling to ever listen to them vent, I just wish they would sometimes stop and count their blessings

(Note: I promise I am not chasing guys out of my league. I realize my friends’ boyfriends would not be a match for me, and I would not feel secure with a guy way better-looking than myself anyway. I actually prefer “adorkable” intellectual guys over classically handsome gym/frat/business bro types. But it sometimes seems like all men are fixated on the same type of conventionally cute/beautiful woman, and if they can’t get someone like that, would rather be alone and bitter than get to know someone like me. In fact the guy I had the most demoralizing crush of my life on is still whining online about being a virgin at 25, which he attributes mainly to being short, which I don’t care about and never have – it’s just that he feels entitled to an Instagram model. So the last thing I want here is to come off as a female version of him.)

Sometimes they try to turn this around and tell me to count *my* blessings, because at least I get to live my life free from sexual harassment. Nope! I get catcalled almost every time I go running alone, I was groped and had my bra unhooked by middle-school bullies (some of the same ones who called me a beast, a butterface, and made barfing sounds when I walked by), and when I was walking back to campus from downtown alone one night my freshman year, before I made any friends to go out with, I was chased by a man who probably intended to rape me, only I managed to hide beneath a parked car. I thought it had been pretty conclusively proven that that kind of shit is based on power and desire to intimidate, and has little to nothing to do with beauty or attraction. I see it as a completely different category of behavior from sincere compliments or guys (no matter how gross/ugly/creepy) approaching you in ways that indicate actual desire (no matter how unrealistic) for a date/consensual sex. The way I see it, attractive women get both (A) catcalled/harassed/assaulted/raped *and* (B) spontaneously hit on/asked out; unattractive ones get (A), but generally not (B). And while this may look like the unattractive ones getting less shit overall, it can also end up being a huge loss – not only because it reinforces the fact of your unattractiveness and undesirability, but because while the guys doing (A) are uniformly pieces of shit, sometimes one of the guys doing (B) will turn out to be someone worth going out with, who gives you a fun experience and maybe even gets to value you for more than just your looks. Whereas if you didn’t have the looks, he would never have spoken to you in the first place. (This is how both my best friends’ relationships started, a fact they seem to have wiped from their minds.)

Having said *aaaaallll* that, all I’m really looking for here is an expert acknowledgment that my prettier friends are indeed privileged over me, rather than us simply having different but equivalent privileges/disprivileges. And, I guess, any hope you can realistically offer for the future. As I edit this for the hundredth time, after I first started writing it on a drunk and lonely night of spring break while all my friends were hooking up, I’m just a few days from moving away to start my dream job in my dream city, where I deeply hope but still find myself doubting things will be different for me. Am I totally off-base in thinking cosmetic surgery might improve my life, especially if I can find a way to get it done while I’m still fairly young? Or should I give up thoughts of having wild romances with several different guys while young, and focus my efforts on finding just one weird dork who cares more about bodies than faces to settle down and have weird dorky kids with, even if we’re both 25+ year old virgins by the time we find each other? How would I go about that, and if I succeeded, how would I keep from feeling forever dissatisfied with my sexual past and not appreciating the life that I had?

Thanks,

Facing My Future

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I Slept With Someone I Shouldn’t Have. What Do I Do Now?

May 23, 2022 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Doc,

I’ve appreciated your advice over the years and I’m wondering if you can help me with the issue I’m dealing with currently. I am a straight woman in my early 30s, and everyone involved here is also in their early 30s.

The whole story is long, but the short version is I messed up about a year ago. I have a long-term acquaintance, G. G had a girlfriend for most of the time I knew him, A. Last year G and I slept together. Before we hooked up G told me he and A had broken up some time ago and were on good terms. I was foolish enough to just take what he said at face value.

After we slept together G told me that he and A were more “on a break” than broken up and she would “freak out” if she ever found out about us. A few months later G and A got back together and even though I asked him not to, G told A about the hook up. A has not freaked out (at least not at me) but she very clearly dislikes me. G, A and I have never really been friends, just friendly acquaintances, but we have a ton of mutual friends through a niche shared interest, so I see them all the time.

I feel stupid and embarrassed about the whole thing, and have a lot of anxiety when I go out now that I did not have before. I don’t think either G or A has told anyone else but I am constantly afraid one of them will as a way to get me excluded. Though my community claims to be progressive the reality is slut-shaming is still prevalent. I have a close group of friends who would stand by me, but the larger group I’m not so sure about. I know G is a fuckface, but still I feel like this whole thing is all my fault and I deserve whatever consequences I face. Like I should have known a guy like him would basically say anything for the chance to get laid, and I should have put a stop to it.

I’ve had moments after being around them where I’ve considered giving up on our shared interest altogether, but that would mean losing a huge part of my identity. I have not dated or slept with anyone since G and I don’t think I will anytime soon. I often feel like I want to date again but then I remember the embarrassment and betrayal I felt after G and decide I need more time. I feel like I’m constantly fighting to “prove” that I deserve to be part of this community both to myself and to G and A. At least half the time I feel like I’m losing.

And I guess that’s where I could use your help, proving to myself that I do deserve to be part of this scene and not letting all the bullshit impact me the way it has so far. I feel like there has to be a better way of putting this than “proving I’m worthy” but that’s the only way I can think to phrase it at the moment. Any advice would be appreciated.

Heartbreak Motel

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How Do I Build a Social Life From Scratch?

May 20, 2022 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Doc,

I discovered your site yesterday and I thought that you give some pretty solid advice in the articles that I read, so I figured I would throw in a question of my own.

A little bit about me first: I am a 25 years old virgin guy (never even held hands with a girl), I can be a little shy and I am just finishing college. I think I am a good contender for the title of Ultimate Nerd : I never went to any clubs nor any parties during my college days but spent my nights turning pages reading philosophy books on various and (sometimes) weird subjects, utterly fascinated. And honestly, I don’t regret a thing. I am actually quite comfortable with being a (relatively) late virgin. I know I am not unattractive and social inept, since some girls I met confessed their feelings for me (!), but I didn’t feel mature enough to enter a relationship so I shut them down. My best friends know about my virginity and never gave me any shit about it nor pressured me about it. And I am not really afraid of being rejected for it. I mean, I know I may sound like a bit of a jerk but I firmly believe that anyone that rejects me for being a virgin is probably not worth spending much time with in the first place.

I have been offered an internship on the other side of the planet, starting next month. I eagerly accepted because I think that’s a great opportunity to travel and discover new things and step out of my confort zone. But here comes the question: how do you create a vibrant social life, when you are a young adult fresh out of college arriving in a brand new city and when you have almost no experience in doing that? ( I presume that the language barrier won’t be a problem since I speak the local language quite fluently. ) I could start with my colleagues but all of them are 40 somethings married with kids, so not really a good starting point for hanging out. My objectives would be to 1) have a nice group of friends to have fun with and 2) go on dates. I have never been on one and I am really really curious and excited about what it looks like. (Finding love would be awesome too, but that would be the cherry on top of the cake. Right now I am more looking to brush off on my social skills).

Thanks for reading, and I hope my question will be of interest to you and your readers.

Eager To Learn

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How Do I Stop Letting My Fear Sabotage My Relationship?

May 16, 2022 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey Doc, let me start by saying “Thank you” for your work. It helped me get into dating and relationships when I was terrified of the prospect and provided uplifting-but-no-bullshit advice when I needed it. Now I ask you more directly for advice since a) I haven’t been able to find this topic in your website and b) it might help other readers in the same situation.

Basically, I think I’m struggling with insecure attachment/enmeshment issues. For background, I’ve been in a committed relationship for over three years. My partner is very patient, caring, trusting, and dedicated – but going into our second year, I turned jealous and highly insecure (I concealed it from him, mostly out of shame).

I hated it when he went out with his friends. I had a full-blown panic attack when he didn’t call me after work one night. My day was ruined if he didn’t text me “Good morning” or declined to call me during lunch break. His (female) co-workers felt threatening. An evening he preferred to stay at home resting meant he hated me. I felt totally split – I’d spend a day or two in absolute despair, unable to sleep or focus – and then suddenly “leave the fog,” wondering how I convinced myself that he’s unfaithful, dislikes me, wants to break up, etc.

I didn’t recognize myself. I used to be very independent before we met, having fun dating, spending time with friends and balancing work and college; I was pretty happy. Now I was a helpless, pathetic, depressed mess without him, and when I was with him every ambiguous comment or behavior was fodder for my insecurity.

I saw a counselor for 4 months (the third one in five years for unrelated anxiety and depression) and I’m doing much better today, but there are times I still struggle. Last time he spent the evening with friends I cried half the time he was gone. If he doesn’t want to be intimate I take it personally. Knowing he’s had other romantic/sexual partners and the fact that he (being human) still finds other people attractive leaves my guts wrenching.

I don’t know how to stop. I’ve tried “getting my own life” like joining clubs but it’s hard with my schedule. My friends live 30-40 minutes away and everyone is too busy for weekly meet-ups. I’m too ashamed to discuss it with my partner. I’m on the waitlist for another therapist at my college but the wait is long and other options are unlikely, being uninsured. Sometimes I wonder if being in a relationship is worth the emotional turmoil it’s generating in me.

I know that my low self-esteem and attachment problems have nothing to do with him. I don’t actually think he is unfaithful or uncaring or dislikes me. I feel so embarrassed about how out of control my emotions seem – it’s nothing like the empowered, independent image of myself I try to project.

How do I solve this before I sabotage what we’ve built?

Dependent and Despondent

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