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Ask Dr. NerdLove: Should I Have An Affair Before I Get Married?

May 6, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hello Dr. NerdLove

I had been with my current girlfriend for almost 7 years and I feel happy and good with her. In February, I asked her to marry me and she said yes. We will get married at the end of this year. I consider everything is ok between us, but recently, a work partner (48, F) , suggested to me in a work chat that I should have a last romantic adventure. She told me I should enjoy my last chance to stay with another girl. I disregarded this and just dropped that idea but everything changed a couple days ago.

Some background … 6 years ago I took English lessons due to my job. I met there many people and I got along well with one girl in special. She was 14 and I was 24 years old. Nothing weird happened at the time, but now after 6 years, I discover I like her and she seems to like me. Everything started with a Facebook post that something like this “if you read this you should kiss me one time if you continue reading at this point, two times, and three times at this part of this text” …

Well, I consider that so funny and then I replied, “sorry but I read the full text” and that was the beginning. We have a kind of “date” last week and we spend a wonderful time. We went to watch a movie and after that, we went to a bar. There was where everything started. We had some drinks, we had some chat and then we confessed our attraction. After that, she suddenly kissed me. I have to admit, I enjoyed it and I like it too. We spend all night dancing and drinking. We had a lot of kisses too. After that weekend, we continued chatting about more intimal dates and both accepted to do “that”.

We will have our “romantic date” this weekend. She is very excited about that and me … I feel just “ok” with that. However I feel a little curious about stay with her one night. I am pretty sure I want to stay forever with my fiancée, I haven’t any doubt about it.

Of course, my fiancée doesn’t suspect anything but I feel a little bad about doing this, but I think too this would be my last chance to have a “romantic adventure” before getting married.

I don’t know if this is something I should try and I would like to know if this is really bad … please help me

Feet Getting Cold

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: Should I Hold Out For Something Better?

May 3, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey, Dr NerdLove,

I’m having trouble dealing with the various impulses between my relationship, my career, my balls and my mind.

For a timeline: I’ve been dating this girl for 7 months now. Due to some family divorce and job relocation circumstances, we’re basically living together now and have signed a year lease.

One on one, she’s very fun to be around. We’re both flirty and weird with each other, are very experimental in bed and love doing adventurous things together. When I’m with her alone, it feels like nothing else matters; we’re literally like children together most nights. Her character and personality are admirable: she’s made me aware of my own shortcomings, has taught me the value of constructing a shared narrative with someone I trust and her optimism is contagious. However there are two triggering situations which make me rethink my dating situation:

Firstly, I constantly see pictures of other girls and feel like I’m settling. I will admit there are definitely angles and clothing and lifestyle changes which she works to her advantage, but sometimes it really doesn’t feel like enough. She’s acutely aware of me feeling this way, as I’m bad at hiding emotions, and blames my feelings on the whole ‘Tinder generation’ if there always being something better. She may have a point, but to what degree should I suppress this urge?

Second, to add fuel to the ego fire, I recently got a big job promotion and will be in sales. It’s a difficult enough job as it is, where I’ll have to be focused and sophisticated with my social interactions, but it also gives me a huge ego boost. I feel that the money, status and opportunities I’ll be presented with will be continue feeding the beast within me that desperately wants all the spoils life has to offer, which would contradict a monogamous relationship. I’m 24, and while I’ve screwed many girls already, I’ve become such a higher quality individual and feel I deserve more.

Can you help me understand if this is something many guys feel? If so, how long will it be before I can’t take it anymore? In the meantime, what can I do to keep myself satisfied with her?

Thanks a lot for reading,
Settling Down or Settling For?

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: Do I Have To Agree to An Open Relationship?

May 1, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Dr. NerdLove,

I have been seeing/dating someone for over four months now, and everything was great. He was always so sweet, and we had so many common interests that we just talked for seven hours on our second date. I found myself falling for him, but then two weeks ago, my friends sat me down and basically dropped a bomb on my happy bubble. My one friend had been scrolling through Bumble when she saw my SO’s account. She created a fake account and matched with him, and they ended up chatting and setting up a date. I read through those messages, saw the flirty emojis, and then saw that he suggested they meet for coffee at the same place he suggested we go on our first date. It was also on a Sunday at 2pm. This is what really knocked the air out of me. I didn’t know how to process or deal with it all. My friends ended up going to the coffee date and essentially telling my SO that they had told me, and he seemed terrified. Later that evening, he texted me saying that he thought we were on the same page with our “friendship” and that he really likes me and values our “friendship”. The fact that he used that word twice for emphasis was so painful.

In the first couple months of dating, I kept trying to bring up our relationship so that I could have some peace of mind. He kept avoiding the conversation though. I knew he was a bit wary of labels and commitment, so I thought that maybe that was it. I reasoned that he showed his care through actions and that I didn’t need a label to be happy with him. That was a mistake.

Two days after the coffee meet up, he came over to my apartment to talk. For four months he hid the fact that he doesn’t like monogamous relationships and that he is essentially poly. He confessed to hiding it from me because he didn’t want me to tell him to “take a hike”. He said that he was working up to talking to me about it, and that if I left then, he would at least have gotten to spend time with me. Is it wrong for me to find that incredibly selfish?

I don’t doubt that he cares for me, and I don’t doubt the chemistry that we have, but I’m starting to doubt that he cares enough to consider my feelings. I was faced with the ultimatum of breaking things off or officially entering an open relationship with him. For an entire week I could barely get out of bed or eat. My dreams were filled with heartache and more conflict. I couldn’t focus on anything, which was especially bad because it was finals week.

I eventually made the tentative decision to try the open relationship with him. I knew that I would not be able to see anyone else though. That’s just not the way I am. I invest myself fully into my relationships, and I love to love and be loved. My previous relationship was extremely toxic and abusive, so I still carry many insecurities and warped perceptions about relationships. I expressed this concern to my SO, and he basically said that jealousy was childish and that I had no reason to be insecure. He kept dropping comments about how there was stigma against his lifestyle, making me feel like I couldn’t express my concerns or feelings in fear of offending him.

I really truly don’t know what to do. Well, I do. I know I need to break things off. That is the best option for my mental health and soul, but perhaps I am too nearsighted because I can’t bear the thought of cutting him out of my life. At the same time, I am in a perpetual state of anxiety and heartache. I am hyper aware that I am always initiating contact, so I try to hold off for several days. The silence just makes things worse.

My mind is a jumbled mess, and my emotions aren’t even distinguishable anymore. Please, I am so desperate for advice and help. I feel like this is crushing me.

Closed Door

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do I Tell People I’m A Virgin?

April 29, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Doc!

I’m a junior in college who is very busy all the time with school and activities. I am a nursing major, so I am constantly spending time in the library studying for hours on end. I’m a very social person and enjoy being with others, but one thing I’m lacking – I’ve never been in a relationship and I’m a virgin.

I know that it is something I should not be ashamed of, but in our culture, it brings my confidence down a lot. It’s not that I am not interested in a relationship, but I have just never had an opportunity for one, so I feel like I am behind and don’t know how to talk to guys.

Not many people know that I am a virgin, as I just try to avoid the topic and have even sometimes just went along with the fact that I’ve had sex, even though I haven’t.

How can I become more confident with myself and how would I go about talking to a guy about my lack of experience?

I could really use your advice, as I’ve been struggling with this for a few years. THANK YOU!!!

First Timer

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: Why Do I Only Date Men Who Want To Use Me?

April 26, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove,

I hope this message finds you well. I have been reading some of your advice to other hoomans and figured it’d be nice to walk away with some perspective for problems of my own.

Some things to know about me are that I am a straight, cisgendered 23 year old woman with strong hetero-romantic inclinations towards men, particularly men of color. I am Dominican-American, meaning, I was U.S. born and am a product of Dominican parents. I grew up in a single parent household where my mother was my caregiver and because of that I never really grew up around me or even knew anything about men until I started dating and befriending them some time around high-school.

To get to the point of my issue: I have only had one very real relationship. It was with a Brazilian guy that I met at my University. We hit it off so well that I went on to meeting his family in Brazil and had a 2 year long relationship. Come to find that he was actually just in it for the visa. I should have seen the red flags coming when our first day doing long distance (me in the States and him in Brazil) he was obsessively trying to calculate how to make his way back to the U.S. by coming up with the craziest conclusions. And before you say it was because he wanted to be with me, once that boy got a student visa to come do his masters in the U.S. that was it for our relationship. A week before his student visa coming in the mail and a month away from flying to the states to be exact. Anyway the details as to why I believed he was interested in me for the visa are long-winded and extremely painful to discuss.

Due to my cultural background I know these type of tricks exist. There is even a Dominican hit called “Pa manga’ mi Visa” which is about a two men who delineate specifics as to how and why he wants to date a “gringa” –to get his visa. Over and over I see this happening. Either an actual business like transaction where both parties involved know its a fake relationship with the means of receiving real marriage visas in exchange for money OR the worst one where the other person doesn’t know they are being deceived.

As you can imagine, this experience was really traumatic. As a woman that considers she has daddy issues and has started out life with a very low notion of self worth with an enormous amount of frustration towards myself and constant resugrances of imposter syndrome throughout my academic career –this was a blow to my person. I hit an all time low where I underwent chronic depression and even went through a period of suicidal ideation. Because I gave him everything and loved him unconditionally. Needless to say, he broke my heart.

My first boyfriend was Saudi and all he wanted was to get it in because he clearly couldn’t do that in his hometown without facing some hurdles. He used me for sex and took my virginity.

Present day, I feel pretty healed from that experience and am in the search for new experiences with genuine people. I feel I can speak for all women when I say that it is as though I am constantly hitting a brick wall. Just a few months ago it happened yet again, another Brazilian ( Idk wtf right?). This time it was short lived because I knew to look for the signs. As soon as he said “I have a court case coming up that will determine my status in this country” I knew that that “I love you” one month into the relationship was total love bombing and BS.

Just last week I ended up dating a guy from Venezuela. He has refugee status and is set on that front but due to my past experiences I decided to lie to him by telling him I was born in the DR. But come to find that we had sex 5 times in a row literally a night ago and he already broke the “call the night after having sex rule” where he was texting me every morning for the last week and just right after having sex he completely goes missing. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt and assume that he just didn’t want to come off as clingy BUT like dude..c’mon. I feel so used right now!!

So at 23 I have reached the conclusion that dating men is hard. Especially when you don’t know much about men. I want to find someone genuine but through my 6 experiences thus far I only get the ones that are horny and only want sex or the kind that want a visa. I know that my easy fix is not dating men that have weird immigration statuses and that I should focus on dating men that already have that documented status secured. But I can’t help but wonder if I am just a means for someone’s ends all the time? Like, I get that people are highly self interested and that being selfish is part of human nature. But I feel like I am a good girl trying to date a good guy. I consider myself tender, humble, open minded, caring and overall really loving. I’m just really pessimistic of the future and what it holds for me. And if maybe I should just remain single. I just find that it is so hard to get caught up in thinking that my self worth is measured by a guy’s attractions towards me and if all life has been handing me thus far is an absent father, a couple visa-seekers, and douchebags that only want sex, it’s hard to believe yourself as someone worthy of love and affection. I just seem to suffer more than most people and get my heart broken too easily. Something that may take someone 1 month to get over literally takes me an entire year. And I don’t want this for myself anymore. I’m done crying and suffering over this and I just want to make peace with myself… I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,
Free Lunch

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