Doctor’s Note: Hey NerdLovers! It’s a new year and I want to help start 2021 off on a positive note. So I want to hear from you: what are some of your relationship wins? How have you improved your personal life, your friendships or your romantic relationships? What are some of the ways you’ve made your life better recently? Let’s share some hope, some positivity and success to help inspire folks to achieve their own victories.
Send your success stories to email@example.com with the subject header “relationship wins”; maybe you’ll see your success story in a future column.
You probably get a hundred or more messages a day like this, but I thought I’d drop you a line and see what you might have to say. I broke out the laptop to type this, but I’ll try to keep it novella length rather than a novel, haha
As the subject might suggest, I can’t seem to form a relationship to save my life. A bit of background about myself so that you can get a sort of thumbnail sketch. I’m college educated, have a decent (not spectacular or flashy or anything, but important) job in the healthcare field, and own my own home. As you probably guessed, I’m a nerd. I like to game, watch horror movies, and read books. I write fantasy and horror for fun, and am current working on a fantasy trilogy. Not sure if I’ll publish yet, since that is a whole ‘nother can of worms in itself.
As you might also guess, I’m pretty introverted. I can be gregarious and friendly to people, particularly at work, and I’m well liked among my coworkers. Outside of work, I’m more of a homebody and have a small, close circle of mostly online friends. Some of this is just because people moved, some of it is because I’ve shed friends who just faded away, or in one case a friend who I’ve had to cut off because they showed themselves to be a terrible person.
The picture I’m trying to paint here is of a pretty normal dude. I used to be very much in the Nice Guy head space, but I’ve managed to escape it. I don’t feel like I’m owed a relationship or anything, I just feel like I lack whatever it is that sparks chemistry in people. I can get dates, but it’s rare that anything goes beyond the second meet up. Meeting me in person seems to be the kiss of death, and that’s a confidence killer. I’ve vibed with people overseas, but I’ve never tried to pursue anything because I’m like “Well yeah they’re going to get here, meet me in person, and be like ‘pass.'” I’m way more entertaining online, apparently.
Earlier this year, I reconnected with someone I’d met a few years before. We didn’t meet the first time around. We met in person the night before we’d planned to go on an actual date. She texted me to come over and hang out with her in her back yard a bit since she was hanging out outside. We had a pretty normal convo, no real red flags or anything, we kissed good night and by the time I got home I got a “I don’t think we’re compatible” text and was blocked. No idea what I did.
I actually have had a couple of girlfriends over the years. Apparently you can capture lightning in a bottle twice, haha. But anyway, my ex dumped me about six years ago after being together for eight months, using the excuse that she “wasn’t over her ex.” It isn’t like she was the “one who got away” exactly, but that particular lesson has stuck with me. They can always leave, don’t get too attached. It makes it a bit difficult to really allow myself to get attached to people, as you might guess. Yes, I’ve spoken to a therapist on the matter. I don’t feel like it helped much, although she was helpful on other matters.
So what are your thoughts? I have no idea what I’m doing wrong. I think maybe I’m just…really boring. Or it’s because I run on a pretty even keel and people take that to mean I don’t care when it’s just that…I’m not very emotive. Not sure, but whatever the case may be, it’s getting exhausting. I keep plugging along. with the pandemic obviously it hasn’t been a good idea to meet up, but with the vaccine being distributed we’ll hopefully be back to normal soon. I just want to make my “new normal” better than the old one, particularly in this area.
Lonely in The Buckeye State