attraction Archives

5 Mistakes That Push People Away

November 10, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

How many times has this happened to you: you’ve decided that you’re going to be more social, so you commit to going out more and meeting people in person. However, every time you go out, the night ends the same way: with you going home alone, feeling lower than a snake’s ass in a drainage ditch because you didn’t talk to anyone. Worse, it seems like nobody wanted to talk to you, either. So now you’ve blown another evening, shredded your self-esteem, and you’re feeling as though you’re just one of those people who’s going to die alone and unloved.

Young depressed man feeling lonely, drinking alone at the bar, affectionate couple cuddling on background — “No, it’s fine. I didn’t really want to talk to anyone. They’re probably all anti-vaxxers anyway.”

God knows I’ve had more nights like that than I care to count. Every time, it left me a little more convinced that there was just something wrong with me as a person. Talking to strangers, making friends, even just getting phone numbers or dates felt like an impossible fantasy — something that happened to other people, but not to me.

But I was wrong. It wasn’t that I was unattractive or undesirable. It wasn’t about who I was, but what I was doing. What I didn’t realize was that I had been making a lot of mistakes that were making me come across as unapproachable. It was only after I started paying attention to what the popular people were doing that I started realizing that my behavior meant that I was sending out the wrong message and leaving people with the wrong idea about me.

Once I started to adjust my actions, I discovered that, contrary to what I had thought, people wanted to talk to me. I just needed to make myself more approachable.

If you’re struggling to meet people or getting people to connect with you, then you may be unwittingly making those same mistakes. The first impression you make on people is important, and how you act before you even say a word can dictate how people see you and respond to you. Regardless of whether you’re at the coffee shop, a friend’s party or out on the town, you want to make sure you’re not sending the wrong signals. Here’re 5 ways you’re making yourself unapproachable… and how to fix it.

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How Do I Date When I’m Not Attracted To Other People?

October 22, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Dr. NerdLove,
I’m currently struggling with dating (who would have thought) and specifically with how i could meet someone that I can form a romantic connection with.

I’m a 24 Year old Dude, never been in a relationship, never been on a date, helpless as to why I’ve only ever gotten negative response, blabla, millions of words of advice on your site and others. What I think makes my case a bit weird is that I take a very long time to become attracted to someone. I need to know the person first, and then I could maybe think about romantic attraction.

So far, when looking at dating advice the main thing seems to be “be upfront and immediately communicate what you want” as well as “just be yourself, do your thing, and you will meet someone”. Both of which don’t work for me. I can’t immediately communicate, because I honestly don’t know at that point, and being myself over the last years has proven to not work. I have a lot of very sweet, very nice friends who are women that I wouldn’t want to be without, but that the lack of having a girlfriend is starting to become more of a problem for me over time.

I’ve asked women out occasionally, asked someone to dance in a club, tried online dating because the intentions are clearer when you meet through a dedicated meetup-space. Things like sports clubs and common interests or common friend groups also have not led to any success so far. (that is: success in terms of finding dates).

My question boils down to: how do I meet women to be potentially attracted to if I am slow to be attracted and unlucky in my usual social circles?

Thanks for providing so much insight, hope to hear from you,

Slow Ride

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Do Men Really NEED To Be Needed?

October 1, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

I’m a 42 year old woman who has had one long term relationship in my life, that lasted about 10 years but ended over 10 years ago. Other than that it has been a series of dates here and there, but generally the guys just ghost or tell me that they aren’t feeling a spark. And this has been the case my entire life. I didn’t date in High School because nobody would ask me out even though, in the years since, a lot of my former friends from that time told me they had crushes on me, but they were intimidated. My one boyfriend broke up with me because he felt like I didn’t really need him, and that I would be better off without him. (I guess he was sort of right, after the relationship ended I quit the job I hated, but kept because it worked with his schedule, and went to law school and became an attorney).

I want very much to be in a long term monogamous relationship, hopefully marriage. I am on dating apps. I try to always look cute even if I am not conventionally attractive anymore (but I was very hot as a teenager and I still couldn’t get dates, so it can’t just be my looks). I am in therapy to work on the grieving process I feel about not being married by now (and the fact I probably won’t be able to have biological children) and he has had me ask my friends and family about why they think I’m having issues in this area. The thing that keeps coming up is that I have a big personality, have carved out this full life for myself, and that I am always doing lots of stuff to stay busy, and that guys are scared by that because they don’t see where they would fit in my life.

Is that something guys need? It doesn’t make sense to me because if I meet a guy who seems to have a “girlfriend shaped hole” in their life it freaks me out. I don’t want someone to be auditioning me for a part they already have written to see if I fit, I want someone to get to know me and build something with me. Is that unusual? Do guys need to feel needed, and if so how can I build that life so that I need someone who may, or may not, ever exist?

Running Solo Build

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How To Talk To Women (And Get Them To Like You)

September 1, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Let’s talk about some common misconceptions when it comes to meeting women.

One of the most common questions I get from men is “where do I go to meet women?”

More often than not, the people who ask me this aren’t asking the right question. They see women all the time, throughout their day to day lives. The disconnect is that they don’t know what to do; they’ve absorbed so many conflicting ideas of when it is or isn’t appropriate to approach women or how to do so that they’re left feeling caught in a trap.

Two friends looking at a woman sitting on a park bench — “Go talk to her bro!”
“Dude, the wind is blowing in the wrong direction and the moon is in the wrong house. This is how you get canceled…”

If they don’t thread the needle of “right time/right place/right method” just so, they’re doomed to be accused of being a creeper. They’re terrified that they will screw up by accident and a good-faith attempt to talk to somebody will crash and burn in a spectacular fashion. Next thing you know, they’re in the final reels of Frankenstein, being chased by a torch-and-pitchfork wielding mob of faceless anti-creep vigilantes. In reality, the worst they’re likely to face is an awkward conversation that is easily forgotten as soon as they leave that person’s eye-line. However, our fears our rarely rational and logical.

The problem that they’re having isn’t that they’re not meeting women, it’s that they don’t know how to meet them. They’re seeing meeting women in terms of a cold-approach scenario, where they’re trying to approach a total stranger and impress her enough to make her consider starting a sexual or romantic relationship with them… and this doesn’t work. In fact, the scenarios most men imagine are almost perfectly designed to backfire in their faces for one very simple reason: women are tired of strangers trying to ‘pick them up’.

The men who are the best at meeting and dating awesome women understand this; they know how to connect with women in ways that bypass the feeling of “he’s just trying to pick me up” and create an immediate and powerful connection. You don’t need the gift of gab or to be a Hollywood celebrity. You simply have to know the right way to approach and talk to women.

Here’s how.

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Is It Wrong For Me To Even TRY To Date When I’m Not Attractive?

July 12, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey, Doctor.

I’ve been on your site for quite a while, and found it super useful and relatable, with plenty of great advice. For reference, I’m a 24 year old male with zero relationship experience. Never had sex, never been in a relationship, never kissed anyone, never even held hands. The most I can say I’ve done is been on one casual date that didn’t really end up going anywhere.

I’ve struggled with clinical depression all my life, something I only was cognizant of a couple years ago (I’ve started taking meds to help me with this). In the past, I used to be incredibly socially awkward and had trouble making friends (much less girlfriends). As I grew older, I found that I had a passion for film and filmmaking and allowed it to take me to film school. Once I started my undergrad, I told myself “OK, new leaf, new people, new community. Now’s the time to jump into the dating pool”. Well, as you can guess, nothing really happened these four years. Not so much as a woman being even remotely attracted to me.

I graduated my undergrad and, afterwards, went to go attend a postgrad in Film Studies at Cambridge. Again, I told myself “OK, new leaf, new people, new community, hell new country. Now’s your chance”. So, this time, I made a really concerted effort to put myself out there. In some ways, it was successful. I made a lot of really good friends at Cambridge and was, in general, considered pretty popular on campus. My love life was a totally different story. The first girl I asked out (also the first girl I’ve ever asked out in my life) rejected me. Felt pretty down about it, but picked myself up and asked another girl out. She also rejected me (turned out to be gay-we still became good friends afterwards though). Felt really down about that but, later in the year, I asked another girl out. She rejected me too (she had a boyfriend). And, uh, yeah, that was about the extent of my dating experience.

This slew of rejections, plus just a complete lack of experience in general, had forced me to do a lot of thinking and self reflection. Was I just a boring, uninteresting person? I don’t think I am, honestly. I’ve been told by many people that I’m a really cool guy. I have a passion that I’m pursuing, and have even started to pick up some hobbies (for instance, I’ve been teaching myself guitar and really enjoying it). Is it because I come across as a dick and I don’t realize it? Again, I truly don’t think that’s the case, as I’ve been told by my friends that they consider my a genuinely nice person. Is it my looks? Jury’s out on that, honestly. I feel like I’m generally pretty average looking, though. I’m no Ryan Gosling, but I’m not exactly a troll either (although, what I do have going against me is that I’m of South Asian descent [thanks, colonialist beauty standards!]).

So, I’m not horrible looking, and I do believe I have some interesting qualities. So, what explains my lack of experience? Well, recently I’ve had a realization.

I may have good qualities, but I lack attractive qualities.

Now, you may think, what’s the difference between the two? To which I’d respond: isn’t there a difference between a friendship and a relationship? Whilst one set of social skills is great at forming one bond, it doesn’t necessarily transfer over into a different type of bond. So begins my search of how to develop attractive qualities. However, much of the advice I found online seems to be a bit too generic and vague to really be actionable. Communicate. Be considerate. Be funny. Have open body language. Etc. Which is great stuff to have, but I feel like I can do that already. However, despite doing these things, while I’m great at making friends, I’m not so great at finding a partner.

This has led me to believe that maybe this dating thing isn’t really for me.

I guess this long-winded buildup, then, is leading to one big question that has been haunting me. If I know that I am not attractive, is it morally justifiable for me to ask women out?

I know this may sound like a strange question, but hear me out. I know for a fact that I’m not an attractive person (my complete lack of experience speaks to that). So, as a result, any instance of me asking a girl out, or even flirting with her, will result in an uncomfortable, unenjoyable experience for her. If I’m not able to be smooth or charming in this context, I know for a fact that I’m going to subject her to an experience that is (to put it mildly) less than pleasant.

However, let’s say, by some miracle (maybe she had low standards that day or something) she’s receptive. Alright, great, now maybe we’d go on a date. But guess what? I’d still, unfortunately, be my unattractive self. And soon, she’d realize that and realize she’d be wasting her time with me. But, let’s say, by an even further miracle, she decides to go out with me some more and it eventually it turns into a relationship. Well, by that point, I’d be so wracked with insecurity and guilt because the entire time I would be thinking how she would be better off with a more attractive guy. Hell, even a one night stand would be unfair to her. My lack of sexual experience would mean that I wouldn’t be able to perform in bed, which, again, would result in an unpleasant experience for her.

All this is to say that, given who I am, I think that trying to date women is a selfish task on my part. I wouldn’t really be bringing anything to the table and, as a result, would not be giving her a good experience, whether sexually or relationship-wise. And, as such, I feel like it is morally unjustifiable for me to be entering the dating scene. I should have gotten the awkwardness out of the way about six years ago and, because I didn’t, women my age would be (to quote Danny Glover) “to old for this shit”.

Anyway, sorry for the long message. I guess I’m just writing to you because I do find you very insightful in your responses. So, what do you think? Am I just not dating material? Would others be better off if I were single? Or is there some aspect about myself I can fix in order to become attractive? Would love to hear your thoughts!

From,

Cool but Not Hot

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