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Paging Dr. Nerdlove Episode #55 – How To Create A Powerful, Instant Connection With Anyone

November 23, 2017 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

How many times have you had a conversation that went something like this: you think you’ve been doing well, but as soon as you’re done talking, that’s it and they’ve basically forgotten you exist. This is a common sticking point for a lot of men.

Part of what makes one person pleasant but forgettable and the other magnetic is all about that connection, that sense of “we’ve just met but I’ve known you forever”. That feeling of “there’s just something about you that really appeals to me.” These are the sorts of moments that lead people to believe in soulmates.

But here’s the dirty little secret: you can do this deliberately. While yes, this sort of connection can happen by chance, when you understand why we connect with people, you can actually build that connection by choice.

Show Highlights:

What is the single biggest mistake people make in trying to connect with people?
How to keep the conversation flowing smoothly
Why we feel like we’ve known people forever, even though we’ve just met
Why similarity is so important in building a connection

…and so much more

Related Links:

The Subtle Things That Make A Man More Attractive – https://www.doctornerdlove.com/subtle-things-make-men-attractive/

Make The Right First Impression – https://www.doctornerdlove.com/make-right-first-impression/

How To Be Charming – https://www.doctornerdlove.com/how-to-be-charming/

5 Body Language Tricks That Increase Attraction – https://www.doctornerdlove.com/5-body-language-tricks-that-increase-attraction/

5 Ways To Boost Your Charisma – https://www.doctornerdlove.com/5-boost-charisma/

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: Am I Attracted To The Wrong Women?

November 10, 2017 by Dr. NerdLove 85 Comments

Hey Doc,

My first girlfriend was white. Brown hair, super kind person, amazing person, we dated for 2 years and had to end it because I couldn’t handle her low self esteem anymore, it was becoming too much of a mental burden to always be the one to give her strength.

After that, I dated a few more people of different races, until recently I’ve begun to date a very lovely Desi woman. She is an amazing person too, kindness outta this world, and I’m incredibly attracted to her.

The problem I experience is (and keep experiencing), I keep having these ideas that I should be with a white girl, someone with skin more like mine, in addition to a body type more like mine and more in line with societal norms (trust me I love it when women have curves, and the woman I’m with now is quite curvy).

Sometimes, I just can’t stop the thoughts from entering my head that I should be pursuing this beauty standard of “a girl that everyone will desire and covet”. I’m not sure where it comes from, but I suspect it could be from watching too much porn for years combined with growing up with these societal norms of what women are perceived as beautiful.

Dr. NerdLove, how do I get wrong ideas about women out of my head?

Social Messaging Sucks

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: Why Won’t She Choose Me?

October 13, 2017 by Dr. NerdLove 108 Comments

Dear Dr. NerdLove,

Long time reader of your column, first time submitter. I’ve always found the advice you give your readers to be well thought out and sometimes with the necessary amount of tough love for when it’s needed. Now with that in mind, here is my situation.

A bit over a decade ago, I had met a young lady while on Xbox Live while playing good ol’ Call of Duty. Her combination of skill as well as interesting conversation lead us to form a solid friendship despite the fact that we lived on opposite ends of the country.

At the time, I was working third shift and would get off work early in the morning. I would make my drive home, fire up the xbox and hop in game. Due to the time difference, she would have just woken up for the day and we would start our routine stomping on other players, laughing and chatting. When we would play, I knew that whatever situation I would be walking into, she had my back. Where I went, she went. When I would get myself into a bad situation, I knew a few shots would fly over my shoulder and render the threat no more followed by a “You’re welcome.”

Now at the time, I was engaged to another woman with the wedding less than a year away. She worked a normal 9-5 job and would be on her way out the door as I came home. At first she didn’t have any issues with my online friends and had even on a few occasions played and talked with all of us. But as time grew on, she became further and further jealous of my female sniper support.

At the time I denied that there was anything more between us than just friendship and video games and this remained true until a few months later when my partner told me that she had developed feelings for me, and myself, confessed the same.

Due to us both being in relationships at the time and geographical issues, we agreed that there was nothing we could do at the time to pursue a relationship. We remained friends and tension between my fiance and I continued to grow over the issue until finally, she called of the engagement.

Fast forward a few years, and by chance, my new girlfriend at the time and I found ourselves moving very near my CoD partner. While her and I still talked and played often, we never got around to actually meeting up. This was due to time off from work as well as once again, both of us being in committed relationships. Now we have known each other for over 12 years, and recently after I had ended my current relationship, we made plans with mutual friends and finally met face to face. She and the meeting was everything I expected. We hit it off, spent loads of time around each other and even got the approval of her best friend. Now here is where the issue is.

She is still not single! The guy she was dating back when my ex-fiance is still around. Their relationship is on the rocks and despite multiple attempts by her to end it, or her friends telling her she should do the same, they are still an item. Trust me when I say this guy is a gigantic a-hole.

My question for you is how can I go about finally getting my chance here? Tonight I am supposed to be meeting up with her to go out to dinner. I’m sure her boyfriend doesn’t know what her plans are and even our own friends have no idea that I will be in town. It makes me feel like we are sneaking around. I know that I want to have a relationship with her, but I want to do it right. How can I ask her to finally end her current relationship without sounding like a prick?

Sincerely,

Shot In The Heart

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: Can I Save Our Sex Life?

August 11, 2017 by Dr. NerdLove 120 Comments

Hi Dr. NerdLove,

Question for the expert. I’m in a long-term relationship that’s lasted roughly ~3 years. My girlfriend and I (both early 30s) have been living together for two years out of the three we’ve been dating and we get along great; we’re both geeks and animal-lovers who suffer from some level of social anxiety and we share a lot of the same interests / passions. We’re reaching the stage where we’re talking about getting married / spending the rest of our lives together. I’d be thrilled about that, except for one thing that worries me; we don’t have sex that much any more, and I’m not 100% sure I understand why (that’s the part that really worries me).

Qualifier: “that much” obviously depends on who you ask and what they call “that much”. Let’s just say that we have sex on average maybe once every two-three weeks and earlier this year somehow managed to go a month and a half without getting it on. That’s not down to me — ideally I would have sex twice a week but once a week works. My girlfriend, on the other hand, finds sex very anxiety-inducing because of her insecurities about her appearance. She has a tough time getting in the mood, nowadays she usually has to read some online erotica for half an hour or so before she can get in the mood to have sex. Consequently, she doesn’t like to have sex very often, and I feel bad bugging her to have sex all the time. Even when we do have sex it often gets awkward because she’s so anxious — she’s deeply insecure about her appearance (true, what woman isn’t). I love to go down on her and she won’t let me, for example, because of her anxiety. Last time I tried to go down on her, she got all “in her head” about me being down there and sexytime was over.

Back at the beginning of our relationship we didn’t have any of these problems — we used to have sex all the time, and there was never any of this awkwardness. At some point, maybe after six months or so, we started to have sex less and less often, and it’s been kind of a gradual slide since then. My gf says she’s worried about her body because some horrible ex gave her a hard time about how he thought she was fat or whatever, but I think she’s gorgeous, I love her body and I’d like to have sex more often than we do. It’s a little frustrating to have to go to sleep next to her every night and go, well, I guess we can’t do it tonight because she’s not in the mood, and I know tomorrow night and the night after are going to be the same way, but hey…maybe in a week and a half or so…who knows. So I end up feeling undesirable and frustrated.

We’ve talked about this a few times. Partly this happens because of her anxiety (as a result of which she’s not in the mood most of the time); partly I think it’s also because we’re very busy (we’re both very career-oriented people and we’ve both had a lot going on over the last year). But I’m very worried that maybe she’s just not sexually attracted to me any more. She says she finds me very attractive, she says I’m great in bed and she loves the sex we do have, says the best sex she’s had in her life was with me, but then…she has a hard time getting in the mood more often than once every two or three weeks, so…I don’t know.

An open relationship isn’t really an option — it’s not something that would work for either of us.

So my questions are these:

1) This is the first relationship in my life that’s lasted for more than a couple years (my love life in my 20s was pretty lame, partly due those social anxiety issues I mentioned…oh well.) Is it pretty typical to be having sex 1-2 times a month after you’ve been together a few years? Am I worrying about something that’s really pretty typical and not a big deal?

2) What can I do to help her feel less anxious about — well, intimacy? What’s the best way to try to get the spark back in our relationship without bugging her to death about having sex more often (I hate doing that)? Or is it possible she’s just no longer attracted to me in spite of what she says?

3) Is marriage likely to help (by making her less anxious) or make things worse (say, going from sex once every two or three weeks to once every two or three months?)

Sorry if that’s a little long-winded. This has been bugging me lately so I’d be very grateful for any advice you can give!

Best,
Confused And Confounded

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Paging Dr. NerdLove Episode #22 – Behaviors That Kill Attraction

March 30, 2017 by Dr. NerdLove 348 Comments

This week, we’re going to be talking about an issue a lot of men letting their behavior ruin any attraction they’ve built up with women. This is something I see happen all the times when guys have started to get better with women and social skills – they have a decent or even strong start but end up shooting themselves in the foot. They may get past the initial hurdles but end up killing any attraction they’d built up and and turning a “hell yes” into an “oh no”.

It doesn’t matter whether it’s a matter of getting a first date, a third date or even just bringing someone home, there’s no such thing as a sure thing. No matter how much somebody may be into you at first, it’s still entirely possible to choke and end up snatching defeat from the jaws of victory.

Here are some of the the biggest ways you end up being your own worst enemy and killing the interest people may have in you.

Show Highlights:

Why confidence ties into all aspects of attraction
Why he who hesitates, loses
The most common mistake men make about attraction
How your bachelor pad can also be your Fortress of Solitude
The most important thing you can do to keep your apartment from chasing away women
The one thing most men do that turns a sure thing into a definite “nope”

… and so much more.

The Science of Nice Guys and Assholes

Building Attraction: Which Matters More, Looks or Personality?

Finding True Confidence

Geek Behaviors That Turn Women Off

Don’t forget to subscribe and review us on iTunes and on Stitcher.

Want more dating advice? Check out my books at www.www.doctornerdlove.com/books