Dear Dr. NerdLove:
I am making active changes in my life, for personal growth. I do dialectical behavior therapy, and have PTSD counselors. There were issues in the past and I didn’t deal with them, so my coping skills was never let me be out of control, being selfish, and lashing out. I always get defensive, try not to let anyone steamroll me. etc. This behavior has led me to ruin. It’s my own fault.
So for a year after my husband left me and divorced me, I really saw how crappy I treated him and all kinds of people. I realized that my selfish agenda was not okay and I sought help. Now in the family, I was known as the drama queen crazy, yadda yadda. Denial was my friend… Now that I am actively changing for the better, of course, no one in the family believes I can change. So, I wrote a letter to everyone that I was mean rude or just selfish (no I’m not an alcoholic but the “make amends part ” goes for mental illness, etc. ). Understanding that they may not accept my apology, I needed to say that I am sorry. So my tells me that I am still holding animosity towards one of my in-laws for something that happened 7 years ago. The reason I brought that up is because the nasty comment she said; I pondered on why she would say that. Did I ever do something wrong to her? The issue she’s focused on is that 8 years ago, she tried to jump in to an argument with my sister and I said some really nasty things. Fast forward, I gave her a letter, apologized via text, in person and she still does this.
This woman (who is only family by marriage) has been gossiping about me to my ex, who I am trying to get back with. He believes her because she plays coy, innocent, sweet and quiet. It’s happened a few times. I used to be the aggressive type of communicator and that never got me anywhere. So, I become assertive and call her out on what she said. They all knew what she said to them and I found out. So I asked her, again, if she could forgive me. I am not that person anymore. Well, three folks are on her side. I am her elder, I would have never done that to my elder.. But everyone doesn’t live life with my expectations. When she talks about me and my ex believes her, we get farther apart. How do I be so calm and not let her affect me? I want to patch up with my ex.
I have had people tell me not to be alone in the same room as her, because she twists things. It’s a fact I can’t change her mind about the changes, but she is interfering with him and I getting back together.
Please help me.
Of course someone is going to believe the quiet coy one, because in the past I was so dramatic. Being assertive hasn’t worked, she is passive aggressive and says underhanded comments. How can I show them I’m not that way anymore and I don’t know what to do about her gossiping, slander? She lives with him and her husband. I’d love it if I never had to speak to her ever again, but I can’t, since she lives with him. I’m trying to be the good Christian unlike before.
Seriously give me a strategy please. I want to make up to my ex husband and hopefully we get back together. I know I can’t erase the selfishness, neglect, etc, but if he takes me back, I can spend the rest of my life making it up to him.
Look At All These Rumors