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How Do You Find Redemption?

November 6, 2017 by Dr. NerdLove 131 Comments

If you’ve paid even vague attention to the news recently – or even just social media –  you may have been struck by the seemingly unending tidal wave of men being called out for assault, harassment and generally awful behavior. This is inherently a good thing; people who’ve been coasting along while having gotten away with heinous acts are increasingly being held accountable for what they’ve done. We, as a society, are finally waking up to the fact that so much of what we thought of as just “business as usual” is, in fact, fucking horrible.

And there are more people waking up every day with the realization that they weren’t so different from the Weinsteins, the Taibis, the Ratners. Yeah, they may never have locked the door and refused to let a woman out until she blew them, but they weren’t that far off either. They may have taken advantage of those “blurred lines” or let the liquor do the persuading. They were the shitty edgelord who loved to taunt women with raunchy, offensive “jokes” and terrorized marginalized people because of the lolz.

Some were the guy at the club who played grabass or at the party who thought it was funny to rub his boner against someone’s leg. Others were the “hey, what’s a casual boob-grab between friends, look everyone else is laughing,” bro. Boundaries were things that happened to other people because hey, all’s fair when it comes to getting your dick wet, right?

Over time, though, they’ve grown. They’ve changed. But at the same time, they’ve also never faced the consequences of their actions. They’ve skated along – like so many others have – because that was how life was. And now, as victims are feeling increasingly empowered to speak up against the harassment and assaults and crimes they’ve endured… these guys are starting to wake up to the magnitude of what they have done.

Of course, this is a deeply personal topic for me. After all: part of the Doctor NerdLove branding and story is that I used to be a turbo-douche and did a lot of shitty things in my time. I’ve learned – and I’m still learning – but that doesn’t change things. And while you can’t change your past, you can change your future.

And then the question becomes: what do you do now when you realize just how awful you were? How do you make amends or find redemption after having been such an asshole for so long?

[Read more…]

Be Proud of Being A Man

August 28, 2017 by Dr. NerdLove 184 Comments

There are times when it can feel like being a man is difficult. We’re constantly presented with ideas of what it means to be a “real man”… and that usually includes things that we’re somehow lacking. For a lot of men, there’s a sense of emptiness or ennui, a belief that we’re missing something vital. It’s easy to “golden age” the days past when “being a man” was apparently simple and easy. In fact, it’s hard to go online without hearing constant tirades about how we’re in a “masculinity crisis” and how men – especially cis, white, hetero men – are no longer “real” men but some effete neuter. Yet, even knowing that the world revolves around you, it’s possible to still feel marginal, unhappy and ultimately unfulfilled.

It’s this sense of lack and loss that alt-right groups like the Proud Boys rely on. The glorification of a rough-and-ready form of masculinity is presented as a lost ideal – and it’s an appealing one when it seems like you’re coasting along with a vague sense of your own mediocrity.

???? In just seven days… ????

 

At the same time, however, we also hear constant criticism of being a man. Society in general has begun to emphasize the damage that toxic masculinity – violence, unchecked aggression and sexual predation – can do. When it seems like everywhere you turn, there’s a new story about men’s bad behavior or a parade of hot takes about men being the worst, it can leave otherwise well-meaning men feeling put upon simply because of their gender. To make matters worse, that natural tendency to want to protest that you aren’t like that is bound to trigger an avalanche of #notallmen comments.

Wanting to be proud of being a man can feel somewhere between aligning yourself with MRAs and feeling like you need to apologize for your gender.

So how do you bridge this particular gap? When you’re stuck feeling damned for following the manhood script and damned for not, what can you do to be proud of being who you are? What are the masculine ideals that we can aspire to live up to? What positive things can a man do that he can point to, things that he can be proud of as a man?

[Read more…]

Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do I Stop Hating My Body?

October 16, 2015 by Dr. NerdLove 85 Comments

Hello. I came to you because of an online friend. I have struggled with anorexia since I was 12. I’m almost 14 now. I came here because people won’t take me seriously because of my age.

I also struggle with depression and severe anxiety, neither of which help with my case. I am about 5’2 and weigh approx. 113 pounds. I used to weigh only 98, but after treatments and therapy my weight has been increasing.

I find it very hard to reach out to people because of this. When my anxiety kicks in, it’s practically impossible. I just switched schools because I couldn’t face returning to my peers after they knew about my disorder. I need some help, because if I can’t find ways to cope with how my body looks, I’ll most likely drop out of school again.

After gaining weight in therapy, I’ve felt so horrible about how I look. Most of my peers are 3 or 4 inches taller than me and weigh 10 or 20 pounds less. I need some help with overcoming these feelings and not letting my anxiety get the best of me.

Stranger in The Mirror

[Read more…]

5 Ways You Sabotage Your Love Life

May 18, 2015 by Dr. NerdLove 506 Comments

One of the most important things I can teach people about dating is simple: dating success is 80% attitude and 20% skill and presentation. No matter how good looking you may be or how suave you may think you are, a shitty attitude is going to sabotage your success and snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.

Behind every hot man is a line of people who are absolutely sick of his shit.
Behind every hot man is a line of people who are absolutely sick of his shit.

One of the things that people rarely seem to understand is how your attitude and beliefs color everything you do. Like the elephant and the mahout, what you believe controls what you perceive. When you believe that women, for example, are hypergamous bitches who are obsessed with status, you’re going to see everything as being a shit test. When you think that women only date men who are $Quality_You_Don’t_Have, you’re going to sabotage your own love life by missing out on the women who dig what you have to offer; you will literally miss every single signal and indication that they send you.

Let’s look at some of the most common self-limiting beliefs that men have that sabotage their love-lives.

[Read more…]

The 5 Things You Need To Do To Fix Your Life

February 16, 2015 by Dr. NerdLove 18 Comments

There’s a truism when it comes to dating: the problems you have in your dating life are a reflection of the problems you have in your daily life.

One of key aspects to the NerdLove approach to dating is that the key to having more success in your social life – whether it’s more sex, more dates or just finding an amazing relationship – is to become a better, more interesting, more authentic person. It’s trying to get there that’s the problem. This is one of the reasons why people like to toss out platitudes like “just be yourself”  as dating advice – it sounds like a profound and meaningful answer that covers up the real answer of “I really don’t know what to tell you”.

"Or you just didn't offer the right blood sacrifice to Nyarlathotep."
Or “you just didn’t offer the right blood sacrifice to Nyarlathotep.”

Unfortunately, when it comes to self-improvement, most advice tends to focus on the surface issues and quick fixes. This is why pick-up artistry is so appealing; it offers magic bullet solutions and push-button answers to dating. But dealing with the surface issues is like giving a house a fresh coat of paint; it may look nicer on the outside, but the foundation problems are going to make everything worse.

There are no quick fixes when it comes to self-improvement; if you want a better life, you have to dig deep and put in the work. But there are ways to make the process easier, less stressful and get you the lasting results you actually want.

[Read more…]

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About Dr. NerdLove:

Harris O'Malley (AKA Dr. NerdLove) is an internationally recognized blogger and dating coach who gives dating advice to geeks of all stripes. Making nerds sexier since 20011

Remember: Dr. NerdLove is not really a doctor. [Read More …]

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