• Archives
  • Submit A Dating Question
  • The Secret Origin of Dr. NerdLove
  • Dr. NerdLove Store
  • Dr. NerdLove’s Affiliate Store

Paging Dr. NerdLove

Love, Sex and Dating For The Modern Nerd

Search The Archives

  • Books
  • Podcasts
  • The Grimes Test
  • Ask Dr. NerdLove
  • The Basics
  • Private Coaching
  • Submit A Dating Question

How To Talk To Women (And Get Them To Like You)

September 1, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Let’s talk about some common misconceptions when it comes to meeting women.

One of the most common questions I get from men is “where do I go to meet women?”

More often than not, the people who ask me this aren’t asking the right question. They see women all the time, throughout their day to day lives. The disconnect is that they don’t know what to do; they’ve absorbed so many conflicting ideas of when it is or isn’t appropriate to approach women or how to do so that they’re left feeling caught in a trap.

Two friends looking at a woman sitting on a park bench
“Go talk to her bro!”
“Dude, the wind is blowing in the wrong direction and the moon is in the wrong house. This is how you get canceled…”

If they don’t thread the needle of “right time/right place/right method” just so, they’re doomed to be accused of being a creeper. They’re terrified that they will screw up by accident and a good-faith attempt to talk to somebody will crash and burn in a spectacular fashion. Next thing you know, they’re in the final reels of Frankenstein, being chased by a torch-and-pitchfork wielding mob of faceless anti-creep vigilantes. In reality, the worst they’re likely to face is an awkward conversation that is easily forgotten as soon as they leave that person’s eye-line. However, our fears our rarely rational and logical.

The problem that they’re having isn’t that they’re not meeting women, it’s that they don’t know how to meet them. They’re seeing meeting women in terms of a cold-approach scenario, where they’re trying to approach a total stranger and impress her enough to make her consider starting a sexual or romantic relationship with them… and this doesn’t work. In fact, the scenarios most men imagine are almost perfectly designed to backfire in their faces for one very simple reason: women are tired of strangers trying to ‘pick them up’.

The men who are the best at meeting and dating awesome women understand this; they know how to connect with women in ways that bypass the feeling of “he’s just trying to pick me up” and create an immediate and powerful connection. You don’t need the gift of gab or to be a Hollywood celebrity. You simply have to know the right way to approach and talk to women.

Here’s how.

[Read more…]

Ask Dr. NerdLove: Why Are Women So Afraid Of Me?

June 4, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Dr NerdLove.

Long-time reader, first time writing in. My problem is quite minor, and not technically a “dating” issue, but it’s been weighing on me regardless and I’m hoping you’ll have some insight.

The short version is that many women I pass by in public places seem to have very strong negative reactions to me, and I can’t figure out why.

It usually goes like this: I’m walking through town in the daytime to work or to get lunch or meet friends or what have you. A woman comes walking the other way or exits a shop or something. Our eyes meet by chance (inevitable when you’re keeping an eye out for cars and bikes or whatnot), and the woman in question violently jerks her head away, turns her body away from me, and starts walking faster. She’s using her whole body to signal: “Ew, no, go away.”

Here’s the weird part: I never have any intention of interacting with these women. I’m just going about my business when they enter my line of sight. I don’t say anything, I don’t leer or stare or ogle, I don’t catcall, I don’t look at them for more than a second. I just notice them, and keep walking.

Obviously, women have every right to be cautious around unknown men (or unknown male-looking NB people, in my case). These women are also all young and attractive, so maybe they’ve had to become hyper-vigilant even beyond the standards of other women. It’s just that this reaction seems to fly right past caution and straight into immediate, visceral fear.

A more specific example will illustrate what I mean (and was also the catalyst for this letter). I was at work, returning to my desk from the bathroom. A woman I had never met came through the door I was heading to. Our eyes met and she flinched with her whole head, like my gaze was a slap to the face. Her body language became panicked, her eyes darted around the room, and finally she ran through a side door in a completely different direction to the one she’d been going before. I didn’t know what to do, so I just kept walking.

Some extra context: this was in the middle of the day, in a crowded building, in a brightly-lit room that saw a lot of foot traffic, and I obviously worked there.

So with all that background, I guess I have two questions I’m hoping you can help with: firstly, how can I clearly signal to women that I’m not going to approach them? Secondly, what is it about my appearance that triggers such a rapid and extreme response? It’s happened too often now to write it off as a few very traumatised women; it really feels like it’s something about me.

I’m honestly stumped as to the second question. I’m not physically imposing, I dress conservatively but well, I’m young, I’m fit, I don’t have resting bitch face, I’m not ugly, and I’m meticulous with my grooming and hygiene. In short, I feel like my appearance is totally inoffensive. The fact I’m Māori might be a factor, but it feels unfair to just assume all these women are racist. My female friends are as confused as I am.

This problem has been getting me down because I don’t want to be a source of stress for anyone else, and also obviously because it really hurts my feelings when it happens. Plus, what’s going to happen when I meet a woman I do want to approach?

Before I sign off, I should reiterate: I’m not demanding that these women talk to me or smile at me or welcome me approaching them or anything like that. I just want to be able to go about my day and mind my own business without being treated like a landmine. And if this letter sounds like it’s trivialising the struggles of women who get harassed and catcalled, it’s really not my intent. I understand the world is dangerous for them; I’m just sick of being perceived as the danger.

So yeah, that’s my letter. Thanks so much for taking the time to read this!

Sincerely,
Innocent Bystander

[Read more…]

#117 – How To Be Instantly Magnetic To Women

July 3, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Charisma and personal magnetism aren’t about being the handsomest or most impressive person in the room. It’s about knowing how to connect with people in ways that other folks can’t. Understand how to build the right connections with people and amazing women won’t be able to stop thinking about you… instead of someone else.

SHOW HIGHLIGHTS:

  • What the story of one man’s failure teaches us about personal magnetism and charisma
  • Why your presentation matters more than your looks
  • How your body language affects your connection with others
  • Why intensity and authenticity is so important
  • What most men get wrong about being cool, popular and desirable

…and so much more.

RELATED LINKS:

5 Ways To Be More Charismatic… Instantly

Find Your Swagger

The Value of Authenticity

5 Secrets To Being Make People Like You

How To Be Charming

5 Rules For Instantly Upgrading Your Style

Listen Here
Download Here
Transcript available at patreon.com/DrNerdLove


Don’t forget to subscribe and review us on iTunes , Stitcher and on YouTube.

Like the podcast? Become a Dr. NerdLove patron at Patreon.com/DrNerdLove

Want more dating advice? Check out my books at www.www.doctornerdlove.com/books

Ask Dr. NerdLove: I Made A Mistake. Is It Too Late To Fix It?

November 5, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Greetings Doc,

A small preface about me and my dating history: I am a 27 year old male who has never been in a serious relationship, though have had a few flings last about a month. I am a reasonably handsome and pretty fit guy. I’ve never felt the need to necessarily ‘chase’ women – I’m okay with being alone. If I’m out with my buddies and I talk to a lady, great. If I don’t, great. That being said, for a long time my self-esteem and opinion of myself was pretty low, as well as dealing with a self sustained injury to my genitals left me feeling indifferent to the whole dating scene, until recently (thanks in large part to reading your work). I’ve taken steps like upgrading my wardrobe and taking better care of my body/health (everything works as it should).
A few months ago I asked a girl I work with if she wanted to grab some drinks – it was totally platonic, I had the night off and wanted to get out of the house, and she was game. We continued to casually hang and grab drinks every so often, whenever schedules allowed – we are both bartenders working at the same pub. I knew she had been dating a girl for almost a decade (she identifies as bisexual), and didn’t think anything would necessarily happen – until it did. One night as we were hanging out, we got into a little tickling/roughhousing fight, I picked up some serious signs, and made a move. Again, I was under the impression she was still with her girl at this time, although in the moment she did inform me that they were on a break. Great, I thought. A little fun for me! 
Afterwards, working with her continued to be great, no issues, business as usual. We hung out and hooked up again, and at that point she explained what she was looking for: nothing serious, just exploring herself as she figures things out. Here is exactly when I caught some serious feelings.
We continued to go out on dates, having fun, always talking for hours and sharing a lot of laughs. She never checks her phone even though I know it’s being blown up, and always looks great and arrives on time.
One day at work I couldn’t help but notice a fella at the bar took quite the shine to her, and I couldn’t help but notice myself getting very jealous. I felt like it was written on my face and made work awkward, so the next time we went out I felt like I had to apologize. Then the floodgates opened: I basically did everything but propose, venting all my frustrations and unrequited love for her. At the time, it felt like a great weight was lifted. Now, I can’t believe how selfish I was: she’s going through something I can’t imagine, her phone is probably being blown up by her ex, all her girlfriends telling her what she should do, checking in on her, on top of whatever other messages she gets from Tinder or Bumble. My feelings and my problems are my own, not hers. My job should simply be her friend – she’s going through something I can’t imagine and the least I can do is just make her laugh and all.
Working with her continued to be great – no lingering awkwardness, still playfully punching/tickling/poking each other, still with the inside jokes about certain annoying patrons. She texted me that night after the date explaining that she was glad to have had that conversation as adults, and stressed nothing would change. 
I let things mellow out for a couple weeks, until last week when I asked her to go bowling. Went great, lots of laughs, grabbed drinks afterwards and hung out all night. Said goodbye with one of my patented big ol’ hugs – the kind where I pick you up with a big bear hug. She always giggles and wraps her legs around me as I squeeze a liiiiiitle bit longer than usual. I felt good after that night, so naturally I had to think and ruin my mood. I notice of late she has been lending her car to a manager of ours who I know doesn’t have one, and is going through a rough patch with his own girlfriend. Obviously I began to think the two of them were an item, which again I felt is/was written all over my face.
I suppose my question is, what do I do? Should I let things calm down for a while/no more dates, and accept the fact I’m back to square one? Should I continue asking her out on dates/hanging when we can? Our schedules make it so that we would only have maybe one day/night off together a week, something she would also know. I should also mention I’ve begun using apps like Youper and Headspace to help process my emotions and have felt much better since starting that.
I feel like I know what answer is right, though hearing it from you would mean a lot more than some bullshit bro-science stuff from my idiot bro friends.
You do incredible work. Any response is greatly appreciated, and I can’t thank you enough for taking the time to read this.
Regards,
Insert Foot (a) Into Mouth Slot (b)

[Read more…]

Episode #90 – How To Be More Attractive… Instantly

August 22, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

When we talk about being attractive, we tend to think of it in terms of being physically good looking. But there’s a difference between being good looking and being attractive. People can be stunningly beautiful but have all the sex appeal of a block of wood. Meanwhile there can be people who are ugly as sin and yet have an almost mystical level of sex-appeal. 

Being attractive isn’t about whether you have abs like whoah or cheekbones that you could cut cheese with. It’s not about your skull or your jawline; it’s about the way you present yourself and the effort you put in. Attractiveness is about the holistic person and the little changes that make you go from “nice” to “…niiiiiice”.

Show Highlights:

  • Why physical looks are only a small part of attraction
  • The simplest and quickest way to change how you look
  • One simple tip for an amazing haircut
  • The number one way men kill attraction
  • Why most men will never actually improve

…and so much more

Related Links:

The Subtle Things That Make Men More Attractive

Which Matters More, Looks or Personality?

Discover Your Style

5 Things Men Do That Make Them Less Attractive

5 Ways To Look Better (Without Going Broke)

Listen Here
Download Here


Don’t forget to subscribe and review us on iTunes , Stitcher and on YouTube.

Like the podcast? Become a Dr. NerdLove patron at Patreon.com/DrNerdLove

Want more dating advice? Check out my books at www.www.doctornerdlove.com/books

Next Page »

About Dr. NerdLove:

Harris O'Malley (AKA Dr. NerdLove) is an internationally recognized blogger and dating coach who gives dating advice to geeks of all stripes. Making nerds sexier since 20011

Remember: Dr. NerdLove is not really a doctor. [Read More …]

Connect With Dr. NerdLove

  • Email
  • Facebook
  • Instagram
  • RSS
  • Twitter
  • YouTube

Categories

Like Us On Facebook

Facebook Pagelike Widget

Become a Dr. NerdLove Patron

Virtual Tip Jar

private coaching is available at doctornerdlove.com/private-coaching

Out Now!

My new dating guide, New Game + is available at Amazon.com , iTunes and everywhere books are sold.

Recent Comments

  • Will S. Oh my Transient Friend, I've been there, twice in a row with workmates - it was like reading a part of my own life story! My best advice would be just stop messaging her and move on immedialtey. If...

    I Was A Nice Guy And It Backfired. How Do I Win My Friend Back? ·  June 26, 2022

  • Belinda I had a f**k buddy situation in college for six months and I was completely infatuated with the guy. I wanted some much more for him, which he was well aware of. He did ask me to hang out, which I did...

    My Boyfriend’s Kink Turns Me Off. What Do I Do? ·  June 26, 2022

  • fuzzilla On the one hand, it might have kept me stuck and not fully open to dating someone else (and I did date other people, but maybe I wasn’t as “all in” as I could have been). On the other hand, it...

    My Boyfriend’s Kink Turns Me Off. What Do I Do? ·  June 26, 2022

  • Belinda It was an eye-opening experience. One I kind of wish I didn't have. I mean, a good number of these guys were my buddies. They were flirtatious with me and I of course assumed there were other women...

    I Was A Nice Guy And It Backfired. How Do I Win My Friend Back? ·  June 26, 2022

  • Belinda "To wait for the guy to volunteer more before giving him the world." Or don't treat him like your boyfriend unless he's your boyfriend. Idk. I am not a fan of FWBs. Hooking up a couple of times, fine....

    My Boyfriend’s Kink Turns Me Off. What Do I Do? ·  June 26, 2022

Popular Posts

What Couples Can Learn From Gomez and Morticia AddamsWhat Couples Can Learn From Gomez and Morticia Addams
Socially Awkward Isn’t An ExcuseSocially Awkward Isn’t An Excuse
Nerds and Male PrivilegeNerds and Male Privilege
On Labeling Women “Crazy”On Labeling Women “Crazy”
When Masculinity Fails MenWhen Masculinity Fails Men

Archives

Tags

abusive relationships ask dr. nerdlove attraction be a better man be a better person boundaries break up cheating communication confidence dating Don't Be A Creeper emotional abuse emotional health emotional intelligence flirting level up lifestyle masculinity meeting men Meeting Women mental health online dating podcast podcasts rejection relationship drama relationship maintenance relationships self-confidence self-esteem self-improvement self-limiting beliefs sex sexual compatibility sexuality skills social skills talking to women the friend zone toxic masculinity toxic relationships use your words virginity youtube