If you have the time, I was hoping you might be able to give me an outsider’s perspective on something I’ve been thinking about lately:
Not taking a vow of, or asexuality, and not dealing with celibacy forced from not being able to find a partner, but voluntary celibacy, that has lasted longer than anticipated. I should probably explain my situation, now.
When I was a younger man, after an experience that caused me to question what I was doing, who I was doing it with, and why with her specifically (I will only say it involved a bad pseudo-F*ckbuddy breakup, and a rebound fling that I really regret, but is in the past and I’ve dealt with the emotional baggage), I decided that I would start waiting to have sex with anyone until I knew where things where going, and more importantly, that it was someone I actually wanted to be involved with. It became one of my Rules. A Rule that has actually served me pretty well up to now.
In college, I didn’t date very much, and what dating there was, was usually limited to first dates, and a handful of second dates. I never really felt anything with any of these girls, though, even the ones I considered friends before going out with, and because I wasn’t worried about getting laid at the end of the night, I like to think I was able to see more clearly that it wasn’t working.
Now, I’ve stuck with this Rule for a while… and I’m wondering if somewhere along the line I made a mistake setting things in stone. Honestly, I recognize a huge part of that is that I realized how long it’s been since I’ve actually had sex… and, well, to be completely frank (we’re all presumably adults here) pressure is building. Not social pressure, but… y’know, libido pressure. I have a high one, and eventually Palmeda doesn’t quite release the same way she used to. XD
I’m starting to feel a lot like Josh Hartnett towards the end of “40 Days and 40 Nights”… only it’s been about 73 times longer than 40 days.
Yeah… I’ll let you break out the calculator if you need to, and continue typing the rest of this.
So it’s been that long since I’ve been with anyone, and my last couple attempts (I’m positive enough not to call them failures, because I do recognize in retrospect I shouldn’t have tried having a relationship with them.) at dating have me thinking… “Maybe I should have just done it, had some fun, and gone forward with a clearer head.”
Especially the last girl, who… I ended up not seeing after the second date, mainly because things started to get heated really fast on that second date, and even though I stopped to explain to her I wanted to wait a few more dates before having sex, and she said she understood and respected that… she kept going for my belt buckle until I made her stop… I was extremely uncomfortable with that.
Even though I’d never pressure a woman into doing anything she didn’t want to, I know it happens all the fucking time, and, I kind of know what it feels like now, so I’m just even more against anything that isn’t enthusiastic consent. I had that thought later in the day, actually… that if the roles had been reversed, that I was her and she was me… there probably would have been a fairly decent chance I would have been raped that night… and that was basically what told me “Don’t go out with her again.”
Which should say something, because I’m almost half wondering if I should have just gone through with it. That is how desperate I’m starting to feel. That maybe I should have had sex with someone who, when sex was on the table, I realized it was a red flag about that person.
That thought has me reeling. I’m wondering if I missed something. Maybe I should have reevaluated this sooner, and maybe I’m missing red flags now, because even though it helped my see them in the past, my Rule might now be causing me to miss them.
I am confused, horny, and seriously considering that some Rules are meant to be broken.
Questioning The Rules