break up Archives

We Can’t Have Sex. What Should We Do?

April 5, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr NerdLove

My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for about 3.5 years and we’ve been through a lot together and I like to think it’s a pretty solid relationship overall.

However in the last year our sex life has suffered, namely because I haven’t wanted it or enjoyed it. Sorry to be TMI, but I often struggle to get physically aroused, can have limited sensation ‘down there’ or when I can feel things it’s often, at best, uncomfortable and, at worst, painful.

I have always tried to be open and honest with him about these issues and, at first, it caused arguments as my boyfriend thought I might no longer be attracted to him and/or wanted to be with someone else (feelings based on bad experiences in his previous relationships). But that’s very much not the case and I’d always try to talk it out with him and reassure him as best I could.

Towards the start of 2019, I went back on antidepressants for a depressive episode. And at first I thought this was what was causing my problems. And so when it got to May this year and I was having physical health issues (which me and the doctor thought were side effects of the antidepressants) and I had to come off them, I was hopeful that at least my sex problems would be resolved.

They were not. Plot twist – it wasn’t the anti depressants. With the same physical issues on going (and seemingly connected to the sex problems) I was referred to an endocrinologist and found out I have a suspected tumour. IN MY BRAIN.

Ok. Ok. So it’s not exactly in my brain but just under it. On my pituitary gland. And it’s most likely benign. But as I’m sure you can understand, it’s scary for me nevertheless.

I’m currently waiting on an MRI scan (I’m in the UK so going through the NHS) to confirm the diagnosis and start treatment, but with the pandemic and lockdown I don’t know when that will be.

My boyfriend is always very supportive of me through the hospital appointments and always looks after me when I’m not feeling great. I know he’s worried for my health and just wants me to get better. I don’t want you to think he’s completely selfish and his only concern is the fact he’s not getting any!!

I just don’t know how to handle our sex life (or lack of) in the meantime. Sometimes I will try sex with him in the hopes it will feel at least okay, but it sucks. We try to keep an open and honest conversation about the subject but we both get frustrated that there’s nothing we can really do while we wait for the doctors to sort out the tumour.

I do worry this could be the thing that ruins an otherwise amazing relationship.

What should I do?

Can’t Get Wet

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How Do I Get Over My First Serious Heartbreak?

April 2, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey Doc,

I’ve been watching a number of your videos lately, and they’ve been a great help to me so far. However, I’m finding that I’m in a situation at the moment that I don’t think has been covered so far, and I can find very little help dealing with it specifically.

The game changer has been COVID.

Basically, early last year, I started dating a girl (we met on Tinder… Yeah, I know…) and it turned out we clicked amazingly. First date, I took her out for dessert, because I was afraid that we wouldn’t hit it off, but we really did. What should have been a 1-hr first date over ice-cream, ended up being 3 ½ hours long and we were set up immediately the next week. Our relationship went on like this really rapidly, and within a month or so, we were Facebook official. Then the shit hit the fan, and bad things happened. Lockdown came in and were separated around 700 plus miles from each other. She had to go back to her parent house, as she couldn’t afford to pay the rent as she couldn’t work from home. We really didn’t know when we would see each other again.

At first, I thought “this is it, we’re probably going to fizzle out” turns out we didn’t! We came up with a schedule whereby we’d have ‘Netflix parties’ over the internet, watching films and shows at the same time and commenting to each other about it, and then zooming every weekend. We’d have consistent good morning and good night texts. It really felt like we were still together.

After 4 months of this purgatory, we were reunited, and everything seemed to be going ok, we finally had a lot of actual dates and day trips, but lockdown was still pretty much in place and did restrict all the things we could do. She was having to work in a new job she didn’t really enjoy, and had to put in crazy hours. I think it had a real effect on her energy and health. I noted that awkward silences had started to creep into our conversations.

One week, I’d put a plan together that were to have a dinner and movie night around my place, just a simple date to get together (due to schedules we could only see each other once or twice a week at this rate). Then the text came the day before: “we need to talk.” And that was it. I knew everything had come to an end. I was due to go out playing football that same night, but I couldn’t. As pathetic as it sounds, I collapsed. I physically hurt. We met in the park, and it all went worse than I ever expected.

We’re due to meet to pick up each other’s stuff, and I’m dreading every minute of it. As childish as it sounds, I really thought she was ‘the one’, and that I would marry this girl. I couldn’t wait to meet her family, she had wanted to meet mine earlier in the year, I just thought everything was coming together in my life.

Now, I just feel as if it’s all hopeless, I’m trying to get back into online dating again, but due to the pandemic, I feel too scared to meet people until I’m vaccinated. I loved your videos about Oneitis and how to get over it, but everything just seems to have come apart , and I can’t even go to the gym properly now!

I just feel isolated and helpless, the worst bit is that I feel like this pandemic has run down the clock on any potential future for me. I’m nearing 30, and am single without kids, I know it’s fatalistic, but I’ve gone to brimming with hope, to running on empty.

TL:DR How can I let go of who I thought was the girl of my dreams, and rebuild my confidence and hope for the future during this pandemic?

Broken Inside

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Did COVID Just Ruin My Relationship?

October 12, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey Doc,

Near the end of last year I started a new relationship with this incredible girl. Our chemistry was great and it honestly felt like I had found my “life buddy” (a term we called each other). She not only showed interest in the things that I liked but I was also interested in her likes and even when I didn’t understand them I was still able to see what she saw of value in them.

Fast forward to March of this year. Due to the pandemic we were both furloughed from our jobs and although we did our best keeping entertained for a month she felt homesick and moved back to KY with her family. The thought of going long distance was daunting but it was something we agreed we could attempt to do. After spending six months apart it feels like we both reached a breaking point. When talking about when our paths would cross again she didn’t seem very sure of were her life would be headed. Meanwhile, I had just started my graduate degree and returned to work. I had suggested she come down and visit me in FL, but she said she didn’t want to risk traveling. I was fine with this, until she mentioned she was also planning on flying to the Virgin Islands with her family. I brought this up to her on our last conversation, mentioning how it felt a bit of a double standard. She quickly admitted that she wasn’t happy and the long distance was taking a toll on her anxiety. She felt like we needed to call things off now while things were still good between us, than wait for the moment it reaches its boiling point.

It all hit me the next day. The apartment felt even more empty than it did before, probably because it was permanent now and she wasn’t coming back at all. I reached out to a friend of mine and we met up for drinks to which she showed me a message she received from my ex saying: “hey can you please check up on him this week”. I feel like I had no control over what happened and COVID just threw a very unexpected wrench into my relationship.

What happened? And what can I do about this?

Pandemic Paranoia

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How Do I Tell My Partner I Don’t Want to Sleep With Them Anymore?

October 9, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

I’m a straight, non-monogamous male. I have a friend with benefits, X, who has been my lover for two years now. She’s also one of my best friends overall and even though a traditional relationship escalator-type thing is not on the table, we are planning long-term a co-housing project on a farm. X has never been my type physically, and even though I’ve enjoyed making love with her, she’s rather shy and passive in bed which makes the sex just average, not the awesome sex I’m aspiring to.

Now my attraction for X has been going steadily down lately because she’s been taking quite a bit of weight. I know society judges this as being fatphobic because most people believe that we have no influence on our weight and it’s not supposed to affect our attraction for others, but I can’t seem to help it. I look at X and even though I’m very fond of her, the sight of her stimulates my libido less and less as she is gaining more and more weight.

This problem is exacerbated by a new FWB I’ve been fucking, Y, and she’s not only more of my type physically, she’s totally GGG and I’m having the best sex of my life with her. This doesn’t affect the strong feelings I have for X but it does make the sex with her seem even less interesting.

Where the situation gets delicate is because X has low self-esteem problems, she’s self-conscious of her body and has a hard time accepting it. I’ve always been careful to make her feel beautiful by having very sensual sex with her and telling her she’s pretty, and I never made a single comment about her weight. I believe people should choose how to manage their body and others don’t have a say in it. My philosophy is that my choice is limited to taking people as they are or not taking them at all, and I shouldn’t ask nor expect them to change for me.

I think our relationship is heading towards phasing out sex from it but the problem is that I don’t want to exacerbate her self-esteem problem, I don’t want to make her hate her body even more and make her more self-conscious about it. So I don’t want to tell her that I’d rather stop having sex with her because I’m not attracted to her anymore. I don’t want to lie to her. And I’d rather not have sex with her that I don’t feel like having, just to please her. And above all, I don’t want to jeopardize our friendship and our project.

What should I do, Dr NerdLove? Is it me who’s wrong and I’m not supposed to be any less attracted to her even though she’s taking weight? If so, what am I supposed to do about it? If not, how can I detach my lowering interest for sex with her self-esteem issues?

– Seeking Humane Answer to Lowering Libido for Overweight Woman

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: Why Does The Spark Keep Fading in My Relationships?

October 5, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey Doc,

I have a question about relationships, especially the early stages.

That dopamine and oxytocin rush, that joy of discovering a new person and getting to know them, the excitement of exploring new bodies and new tastes in bed, the passion and effortless joy of early romance. All great. I love that.

And yes, everyone is putting on their best face at the start, but as things continue in this mould and we discover each other’s quirks and start to open ourselves up to each other more, it often feels like a punishment at best or a cruel joke at worst.

Because all that good stuff I mentioned at the start goes. Sometimes I get dumped, but not always. But certainly everything I love in the first paragraph is taken away — the big pyjamas replace the sexy lingerie; instead of discovering new things about each other, we settle into watching the TV we both like on sofa together; instead of romantic dinners, it turns into taking turns cooking of the same set of a few dozen meals, and so on.

As opposed to “effortless joy”, things move into the “routine warmth” mode. And whilst rationally I want to be satisfied with that, the relationship at that point often feels just like “good friends/housemates with occasional sex on the side”, and I find myself getting so very bored and wanting to get out and date again to get some novelty and excitement back in my life.

My friends have often told me that this is “real love” compared with infatuation, and it can be so much more fulfilling than the honeymoon period, but I don’t understand how at all. It feels to me like some cruel joke of attraction. Now, like I said, rationally, having a good friend and a housemate and a sexual partner all wrapped up in one person is clearly a good thing, but GOD, it’s dull and so much worse than the “honeymoon” period. I even tried long-distance relationships, where I hoped that only seeing each other two days a month meant that we would “use up” that budget of excitement slower, and “the good bit” would last longer (spoiler: it didn’t. I never said it was a great plan, but I’m running out of ideas!)

So how do I learn to accept that things will always turn dull in the long run, and not yearn for a new person, a new set of interests and drives, a new body, a new life, to discover and explore to get that “effortless joy” back?

Honeymoon’s Over

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