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Ask Dr. NerdLove: Is It Time To Leave?

May 17, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey Doc,

I’m a big fan of your website. I found it after doing some googling to help make a decision and help my mental state of being with my relationship of over two and a half years. I’m a young, 24 year old guy who is struggling with the decision to break up with my girlfriend or not. I’ve made a pro con list, I’ve talked to friends and family, and I still can’t come up with a conclusion. A little back story on me, my relationship, and her:

We’ve been dating for two and a half years and met through some friends in college during the fall of our senior year. When I first met her, she was just getting over a devastating relationship with a boyfriend who had cheated on her, abused her (mentally physically and emotionally) and was an all around bad dude. The first few months are rocky and she pushed me away due to her natural fears of getting in a relationship, and used the space to hookup with other guys, have fun, and find herself. I did the same, but only after being extremely hurt by this decision from her. Fast forward to early spring, she comes around and realizes that I am a good guy. Apologizes for it all and blames her fears and past. I accept this and we decide to try out the relationship, regardless of our post-grad plans (she moved to Boston to go to law school, I stayed in CT).

After a few months, she expected me to move to Boston because she wanted to be there for school. I did not want to move there, but I looked for jobs regardless and she was not happy when I couldn’t find any. She asked me to commute to Boston while working my job in CT (a 1.5-2 hour commute each way) and finally asked me to just move there without a job, which I refused. This was the start of where things got rocky.

Ever since then, about a year ago, she has been picking fights with me about things she is insecure about, most likely stemming from her previous relationships. She has a lot of trouble moving on from past problems. She brings old things up a lot. I have comforted her and limited what I tolerate, as I don’t believe it’s healthy to allow insecurities to get worse. This is my first relationship, and I am a fairly confident man with a lot going for him and come from an old-school family of values and traditions. I’ve never brought a girl home before her, because I am pretty picky and do not commit to relationships unless I am serious.

That being said, I’m tired of everything going on. She has asked me to choose her over my morals and beliefs, saying she should be worth the sacrifice. My friends and brothers have gotten upset at hearing the things she says to me and for being with her because she picks fights all the time. Not to mention, she takes up a lot of my time. I have visited her every weekend I can and put tons of miles on my car, missed family events and things I want to go to so I can be with her. She tells me every day she loves me and appreciates me and the things I do for her. She constantly reassures me we’re a team. She writes me notes, calls me several times a day, texts all day and night. She would never cheat on me or abuse me. She treats my family so well, constantly bakes for them and checks up on them. But I’m exhausted from the constant fights over and over about BS. I don’t hang with other women at all, I don’t go out to bars, I don’t look at other women online, etc. I find myself skipping out on things I would normally do with friends or family so I can be with her on the weekend.

My conscience is clear. We have said about a dozen times that we’re going to change and communicate better, not yell, etc. And we end up continuing to argue about the same old things she is upset about. I’ve made some changes but they aren’t helping. Sometimes, she can even talk to me like shes my mom and try to tell me what to do. I don’t know if its her natural instinct as the men in her life are a little empty-headed (to put it politely). I care about her, but I am so hurt and exhausted to the point that I am falling out of love with someone I have devoted so much to. Do I go on? Or throw in the towel? The decision is ultimately my own, but I do not want to let this drag out any longer and would like to act urgently.

Eyeing The Door

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: Do I Owe Anything To My Ex?

February 22, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

(Doctor’s Note: Today’s column includes frank discussion about abusive relationships and suicide)

Hi Doc,

I’m in a confusing, morally conflicted place and I could use an outside perspective.

For a long time, I was crushing on someone tangentially attached to my friend group. This didn’t stop me from dating other people, but I always paid attention to this woman in case my chance ever came up. Unfortunately, she was dating (in my biased opinion) a weapons grade asshole who was, at a minimum, verbally and mentally abusive to her. There was gossip he was physically abusive, with no obvious proof. Eventually, they broke up.

I waited a respectful amount of time then asked her out. We went on a few dates, things went well, we went on a few more, became exclusive, and time marches on. She tells me over and over I am the best boyfriend she’d ever had, she’s never been happier, so I thought things were going ok.

Until the ex shows up again, swearing he has changed, and he wants her back. You can probably guess what happened next. At first, she wanted nothing to do with him. Then she agreed to contact because she wanted closure. Then she agreed to continuing contact because she felt sorry for him. Then suddenly, she’s “unsure” how she feels about him. When it got to that point, I told her she had a choice; either him or me. She said was not prepared to make that choice. So, I broke up with her.

I didn’t scream or yell. The last time we spoke, I wished her well. I also told her that I seriously doubted the ex had changed, and I thought she was heading towards big trouble with him. I requested that when that trouble came, to leave me out of it. Given how betrayed I felt, I was not up for even pretending we could “still be friends” nor would I be willing to “get in touch” or “catch up” or anything like that after the you-know-what hit the fan. I unfollowed her on all social media, removed every physical reminder of her I could find, and went on with my life. I never brought her up or discussed her with any of our mutual friends and discouraged those friends from telling me about her. Nevertheless, I learned she moved in with the ex shortly after our break-up, which didn’t improve my mood.

Unfortunately, turns out the ex hadn’t changed. About a year after the break-up, I heard about things going badly for her; she had to flee their apartment, he got scary to the point the police got involved. Our friends started a collection to help her defray the costs of finding a new place and buying essentials. I was very happy to give money to that. But now, I’m hearing from our friends that she wants to “talk”.

I could not have been clearer when we broke up, and I have not changed my mind. I am not interested in that. Some have told me it would help her heal to talk with me. I don’t see her healing as my responsibility. I have been accused of being a bad ally. I have been told I am cruel for being willing to ignore what we once had. I would never say this to her, but I can’t help but notice that what we had didn’t count for much in the moment, so it isn’t clear why it should mean that much to me years later.

Other friends have said that if I really meant what I said about not being involved I never would have given that money; that by doing so, I raised an expectation that a relationship could be salvaged, and it would be cruel to take that away. If I am honest, that argument makes some sense to me. It doesn’t make me want to interact with her, but it does make me wonder if I have obliged myself to do so.

Finally, are some mutual friends that support my decision.

I read all this over and I know I must sound like a cold, unfeeling bastard. Believe me when I say the opposite is the case. It is way beyond my ability to describe my dread when the ex showed back up and she started giving him more and more of her time, or to describe the kick in the balls it was when she admitted she still had feelings for him, or how sad and lonely I felt when I was getting rid of all my reminders of her. Even now, there’s a part of me that fantasizes that we’ll meet back up and live happily ever after. But I know that isn’t going to happen. The same part of me that knew the ex was bad news (for her and for me) when he resurfaced knows that nothing good is going to come of re-engaging with her. It isn’t about punishing her, it’s about protecting me.

My preferred outcome would be to communicate back to her through our mutual friends that I am glad she is safe and well, and the best way for her to remain so is to focus on her future, not dwell on the past. If she believes aspects of our previous relationship offers some insight, she would be better served working that out with a professional. For my part, I am not interested in any sort of relationship (romantic or platonic) going forward.

So I guess my question to you is given our history and what she has been through, do I owe her anything? Am I obliged to meet her in person and hear what she has to say? Or can I go through with my preferred outcome and consider that a justifiable response? Your opinion would be appreciated.

Thanks,

Gluing Myself Back Together

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: When Is It Time To Break Up?

July 6, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2.5 years now and we are best friends, but we’ve had our rough patches. I cheated on him in the beginning with my ex, and we’ve worked past it and all is well. Again we’ve had rough patches, but we also live together so I feel like it’s bound to happen. He goes away every summer for work, and when i went to go visit him, I found out he had been sexting another guy he met at a bar. This threw me by surprise because he’s not the type of person to cheat and especially with a guy. They only sexted for about an hour and he was drunk, but he did start it all. He was very apologetic when he found out and he’s a genuinely great guy besides all that.

Anyway, this entire summer I’ve been extremely horny and I want to sleep with other men, more than anything. The sex between me and my boyfriend is okay, not really that special. Kinda boring. And I feel like after finding that on his phone, I am kind of thinking about breaking up and sleeping with other people, but we live together, we have a cat, we have a great home. If we broke up, I would lose all of it. I’m not sure what to do. I feel so trapped and i don’t really have any money (I’m a student and work a min wage job) and I am also scared that he may be the only person who will treat me right.

Help?

Is It Really Over

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do I Keep My Anxiety Under Control?

May 28, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey Doc,

I’ve been reading your blog for about half a year now, as well as your new book on surviving relationships, and I gotta thank you for your pearls of wisdom, you’ve led me from not knowing the first thing about flirting to being in my first real relationship. Which is where I’m at right now, and I’m writing in hope that you could shed some light on my situation.

So about two months ago, I met a wonderful lady on an organized trip for youngsters (ages 18-23 I think). We had an amazing time on the trip, we connected on the first day quite a bit, lots of flirting and good vibes coming from both of us, then on the second day we said we’ll give it a go. We had a good time that day, we kissed on the third day (as much as we could whenever we were away from the rest of the group), then we parted. That never happened to either of us before, but we really liked each other from the start, and I suppose the stars all aligned perfectly that we just went at it without much need for barrier breaking. The trip was almost over, and we both knew it would be a bit of a challenge from then on, since we live in opposite sides of our country, about 3 hours away from each other, but we said we’ll try it anyway.

Surprise surprise! We managed to make it work, we met almost every weekend from then until now, taking one weekend off so we wouldn’t burn out too hard. We had a bunch of sex, we met each other’s families, and we’ve connected deeper and deeper. I truly think we have something special, that there’s a reason we connected so fast. I believe it’s because we align exceptionally well on some sort of spiritual level, as in even though we didn’t know each other that well, we could feel something special that words can’t describe. It’s like we just get each other intuitively, like we already met before, like our spirits are fused and now it’s up to us to make this into something beautiful. Anyway, that’s our status right now, meeting up on weekends and trying to have a good time with each other. Also we text or call each other pretty much every day, this is important context.

Now, here’s why I’m writing you: I don’t have good experience with relationships prior to this one, only bad experience. I won’t go into detail, but lots of heart-break, confusion, depression at times, basically what I assume most people go through at one point or another. The catch with me specifically is that all of that negative experience has left me without any real faith in a relationship being something constant. What I mean is I often have the feeling that my significant other could leave at any point, without explanation, without closure, without any reason other than “I don’t love you anymore”. I try to remind myself that people don’t give up that quickly or easily on the ones they love, but it’s hard to fight these emotions. In my (unrealistic, primitive) mind I just assume that there’s nothing about me that people could love over a long period of time, which (I think) is ironic because that’s what I really want out of a relationship.

So that said, I’m having such thoughts and feelings on a weekly basis, if not daily. Every time her and I text each other and the conversation doesn’t flow, I feel it. Every time I tell a joke and she doesn’t laugh, I feel it. Every time she says something and I zone out, I feel it. Not so much that I’m anxious about it, but enough that it’s starting to fuck with my psyche. I mean I still function and everything, but then something random and seemingly unimportant happens between us, and suddenly nothing is stable anymore.

On top of that, I’m scared that talking to her about this could only make things worse, because I tried to do that a little bit, and she didn’t know what to say, which is understandable. Essentially I fear that if I try to solve this with her instead of with myself, then I’d be doing both of us a dis-service. On the other hand, I don’t know whether the problem truly stems from something messed-up inside of me, or from something either of us can do to make it better.

I love this woman Doc, the way I hope to be loved. I also know that love doesn’t last forever, and that one day it will be over, but I don’t want that day to come early because of my own stupidity or complacency. I’m frustrated that I don’t know what I’m doing right or wrong, and I’m scared that that will fuck up me or our relationship. Do you believe there’s something I can do to help myself get out of this state of mind? Or do I just have to stick to it and believe in what I’m doing? Any advice would be infinitely appreciated.

Lost Soul

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: Can I Be Happy AND Save My Relationship?

March 12, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hello,

I don’t regularly tune in, or read any articles, but I just read 2 after searching for help and thought it might be good for me to submit my predicament.

I love my boyfriend so very much, for so many reasons. I want him to be a part of my life until death. I’ve been with my boyfriend for going on 2 years, but it seems as though some things in my mind have changed. At this point in time, I’m kind of lost with what to do and how to respond to those changes that have a direct affect on him.

Firstly, I’d like to let it be known that I am not a fan of homosexual sex, but I definitely am gay. I told him all this in the beginning, but I went that extra mile for him because I love him and wanted him to be happy. A couple months in I couldn’t bear it anymore and it needed to stop, so at that point we would only do so much, and not frequently because I don’t really enjoy it. A little bit further in time and now we don’t really do it at all, it stresses me out to much and makes me feel uncomfortable and anxious. This has led me to believe that I am somewhat asexual. I expressed this to him and he understood, now there is a clear line between what we can do and not do, but he is unhappy with the lack of sex mostly because he feels like he’s missing out on life.

I was fairly attracted to my boyfriend in the beginning, but we have both physically changed quite a bit and now, I am no longer sexually attracted to him and it might be the reason why I can’t do anything at all anymore. This may be why it stresses me out so much.

Lastly, I’ve discovered that although I love my boyfriend and will certainly always put him at the top of my priorities, I genuinely enjoy flirting with others and getting to know them. I don’t care to kiss and obviously sexual, but the process of getting to know somebody and that period of flirting feels so great. I’ve started to believe now that I might have a desire to be polyamorous, something he is totally not on board with.

I feel bad, I feel like I’m hurting him with these desires and lack of sexuality, it’s not fair to him. I’ve offered to bargain but he wants this idealistic stereotypical standard definition monogomous relationship and he loves me but not more than he loves what a monogomous relationship is.

We’ve discussed breaking up, a possible solution but we love each other and shouldn’t have to put our relationship down over it. I’ve also brought up an open relationship so he can hook up with others but he doesn’t want it.

I am at a loss for what to do, I dont want to hurt him or waste his time but I love him and don’t want to loose him. He wants what he wants without any changes and I’m afraid that if I commit to him that it would destroy us as well as our relationship.

I don’t want to burn this amazing bridge that we’ve built, but my desires have changed so much and he doesn’t share them.

Thank you!

Mid-Relationship Crisis

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