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How Do I get Over Being Used?

September 25, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey Doc,

So basically I recently “broke up” with this girl. The reason I’m phrasing it like that is because we only dated for like a month. During the time I was dating her, I realized she had an abusive ex who gaslit her, was emotionally negligent and also implicitly fat shamed her by joking that she needs to lose weight. I was very empathetic to her situation and realized she was still healing from this abuser.

However, as I spent more time with her, I realized that she brought up her ex every time I was with her. She broke up with me because she had recently found out that her ex was cheating on her during a time in their relationship when things were going very well. She told me that she is not ready for a relationship and has issues trusting people who she doesn’t have any mutual connections with (we met through an app).

Now, our break up was very amicable (I even cuddled with her after and kissed her goodbye) and I really respect her decision to not dive into a relationship that she wasn’t ready for. However, as time passed, I realized that she might have used me as an emotional band-aid to forget about her ex. When she found out that he cheated, the wound just opened up more and I wasn’t enough to forget the pain. I don’t think she was being malicious or that she was doing it knowingly, however, I do feel a bit used.

To fully understand my situation, I think you need to know a bit of my backstory. I’m 24M, had a very sexually repressive childhood and socially awkward growing up. I had a transformation in college where I became physically attractive and confident and started hooking up with a lot of girls as a means to compensate for the lack of sexual gratification. I realized that that path was not going to help me, I worked on my self esteem and decided to give real dating a shot.

This girl was the first person that I decided to open up to romantically and I feel very angry and upset at myself as I didn’t see the signs. I don’t hold any ill will towards her and I think she’s quite wonderful, but I do wish that the first person that I opened up to didn’t inadvertently use me as a coping tool. I know life isn’t a fairy tale and sometimes things just don’t pan out the way you would’ve liked them to, but it still sucks.

Now Doc, how do I process these feelings of anger and resentment? More importantly, in the future, what can I do to potentially stop this from happening to me again?

Best,
Mr. Oblivious

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How Do I Break Up With Someone… Safely?

September 18, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Doctor’s Note: today’s letter involves discussion of suicide and suicidal ideation.

Hello Doc. I apologize in advance for how dark this is.

I’ve been in a long-distance relationship (my first real relationship) with someone for two and a half years. They (non-binary) have a ton of issues, in terms of mental health and personal baggage, and I knew part of that going on. Sometimes, they’re great, but other times it’s a nightmare. They tell me they’re going to kill themselves over things every few days, there’s one person they’re absolutely obsessed with and they push and push and push me to get that person back into their lives. It doesn’t work because I respect that other person’s autonomy.

They’re poly, (I knew this going in, I don’t have a problem with them being poly) but they occasionally try to meet someone IRL and when either nothing happens or things go sour, they start screaming at me over it and telling me they want to die. And sometimes making an attempt at suicide that doesn’t go anywhere. I’ve done a huge amount of emotional labor for them, and they do very little back. They talk about wanting “emotional support” but I can’t figure out what they actually mean by that because the definition seems to change at random. When they say nothing can ever get better, I try to say it can, but apparently that’s not what they want, but they won’t tell me what they actually want.

If I break up with them, they will try to attempt suicide and I don’t know how to deal with that. Intellectually I know that if they do follow through, it won’t be my fault, but I can’t take that last step. I’m miserable and I get stress migraines every day from this. I’ve done so much for them and it just makes me feel like a monster that I can’t fix anything and that they seem to constantly fight against attempts to make things better.

I need to break up with them but I don’t have the slightest clue how.

Thank you for listening,

Handcuffed

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How Do You Recover From A Break Up During The COVID-19 Crisis?

March 23, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Doctor’s Note: This week, I’ll be having a live seminar and Q&A on Facebook Live instead of the usual podcast and YouTube episode. If you’re interested in taking part, follow me on Facebook and join the NerdLove Academy Facebook Group; the stream will start at 3 PM CST on Tuesday, March 24th.

Good morning Doc,

I wanted to know what you thought and would advise regarding how to recover from a break up during this COVID-19 pandemic (or other scenarios where you’re not able to go out and meet new people). A few day ago I had to cut things with a girl I was seeing since November. I didn’t want to, but there was a lack of effort to communicate and I was putting in all the effort. After having it met with the equivalent of banging one’s head against the wall, I was left with no choice but to do what’s best for me. As productive as that sounds it’s still hard because as of now we’re in a curfew state with business and activity areas to meet new people are shutdown so now I’m stuck missing what I lost but don’t have a way to get past it. Yes I’m working on myself with studying more, picking up guitar again, and practicing new art skills but being solo doesn’t take my head off it.

I know there’s probably a video you have on the breakup and there’s a video on what you can do during the pandemic but I wondered if there was a new type of thought process for when it’s both out together.

Thanks for listening and having an awesome channel and podcast,

Life Under Quarantine

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Is It A Good Time To Get Back With My Ex?

March 20, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

First off, I’m really glad you do what you do. I’ve read through some of your material and it’s helped me so far.

Now, in order for my question to make sense I have to give some context. I’ll try and shorten this down as much as I can.

Met a girl through OKCupid sometime in 2016. Hit it off right away. She blew my mind and I was head over heels for her.

She was on again/off again with her (now) ex, and I met her during an “off” time. Well, I went to my first year of college out of state, and then transferred to a school in-state. So I was talking to here more once I was back. She was now dating her ex again.

From the beginning I could easily tell she liked me. That kind of attention and chemistry – I knew there was something there and it wasn’t just me. But she was still dating this guy.

Well, I was awash with infatuation and I wasn’t ready to walk away, so I stuck around. She was everything I’d ever wanted. Smart, passionate, a gamer and artist, had drive and goals, had a good head on her shoulders, good person, and drop dead gorgeous. Full package deal. Amazing.

From my perspective though, across the next 4 years, I felt… I felt like I wasn’t being treated well. It didn’t help that she was into me and was still dating her ex, and was torn, and dealing with her own emotions and life, etc – and I also let it continue. I couldn’t walk away yet. Wanting her was far greater of a force than sticking up for my worth. We would only hang out sporadically, and rarely. It was always last minute and was late at night or something similar where I was compartmentalized from the rest of her life. We never *really* went out and did stuff. It was 99% of the time at her house, sitting and talking or watching a show. Not that I don’t want that, but not at the expense of doing anything else.

Well, I walked away the first time in 2018, and she roped me back in. Then again about 6 months later. Then about another 3-6 months after that.

The last time she pulled me back into her life was at the end of August, last year. We met and talked for 3 hours, she confessed to having been REALLY into me this whole time (she had even had dreams about me during the time I had walked away.) and just… didn’t know how to handle that, didn’t feel comfortable with it yet, etc.

She said she only came back because she felt like she was over her ex and wanted to treat me right instead of as a recovery. She even kissed me.

Well, she’d been planning and working up to transferring/going to school across the country, and it was going to happen starting in January.

So I wanted to make the last 4 months she was here great: go on adventures, eat, have a blast, and have some fun in the bedroom. (Which she had opened up about wanting for awhile, but again wasn’t comfortable with it yet.) (we never did.)

So we hung out a few times, and then, of course, it felt like it went back to how it had been before: rarely seeing each other, at-arm’s-length, compartmentalized, etc.

I ended up not seeing her at all for about the last month of her being here, and I called her while she was at a hotel room in St. Louis while on her drive to school. Basically, I ended it. I told her that we hadn’t actually taken any steps forward and I needed to walk away. I think she knew the conversation was coming but was hoping it wouldn’t. When I told her this was it, she talked about how I was one of the only people in her life anymore that she felt close enough to and trusted enough to talk about things with, etc etc.

She then added that “I figured we would keep talking and stuff and we would pick up where we left off when I came back for the summer, just like I’ve done with… all… my… relationships….” (I used ellipses to try and show how, when she said this, she ended up slowly trailing off as the sentence went on, because I think she realized how shitty it sounded.)

I told her that it wasn’t fair to me to wait around and essentially twiddle my thumbs until she came back, with no guarantee of it actually being anything when she did. I shouldn’t have to put my life on hold anymore than I already had.

I told her that, if she reaches a point in her life where she wants me to be a part of it and I’m a legitimate priority, she should come and find me and we would see what happens. (A priority as opposed to what felt like just an option – because I was never really a priority – other friends, family, and other things were always more important or urgent than me.) it ended amicably, I told her I loved her and to “go be successful”.

I will say, up front, that I know I had issues of my own that were a problem. I had expectations, I had a lot of trust issues.

She has insecurities and self worth issues, and I was honestly looking to her to give my life meaning for a long time. Not the most recent stint, but for a long time before I was.

Sorry if that was a bit long winded, it’s a long story.

NOW – it’s been almost 3 months since she’s left, and we haven’t spoken since. I do still care about her, and there is a large part of me that misses her. That’s the same part of me that is considering contacting her and seeing how she’s doing. (In part to see if she’s ok, given the recent pandemic going on.) part of me misses her. Still wants her. Still wants to do all the things we said we’d do. I don’t want to have her as a regret in my life because we didn’t actually move forward. And I still want her.

However – do I trust her again and believe that things will be different? Is it a waste of my time and energy to invite her back in, given that she will be going back to school I’m the fall and, once graduated, be moving to that end of the country/somewhere else in pursuit of her career? Am I BS’ing myself in thinking that there really actually was a chance for anything to happen, or was she just not being truly honest with herself and didn’t have the same feelings? Was her indecision and at-arms-length treatment a much better indicator of her interest and intentions than her words?

And lastly, do I miss HER or am I really just struggling to feel like I have a chance finding someone else as amazing, or that I’m worth being with someone else as amazing?

I’ve struggled with feeling “good enough” for most of my life – one of my parents was always critical, even when given a compliment, and I think it created my struggles with self worth, or at least started them. I’m much better now, but I’m wondering if it’s really that I’m feeling like I have a better chance with her than anyone else because I’m “not worthy” of love.

I don’t know. I’ve been mulling over this for about a week, and I’m just filled with uncertainty. Is there a “litmus rest” or a question to ask myself in order to weed through some of these thoughts?

I hope you can help, I’m not sure what to do/how to approach this.

Also, probably way too wordy, so sorry for that.

Really appreciate the help,

Just When I Think I’m Out…

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: Should I Risk My Relationship on an Office Crush?

October 25, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove,

First of all, I would like to thank you for your great dating advice. I’ve been visiting your blog regularly for about six years now; even though dating is pretty much an American phenomenon, your blogposts, podcasts and videos have been useful to the Western European guy that I am.

The question I would like to ask is should I break up with my girlfriend in order to (maybe) have the slightest chance to get with another girl I know?

Let me give you some context and details. My current girlfriend is the only girl I have dated so far. We’ve been together for four years. She’s kind and considerate and she really loves me, up to the point that she would like to start a family with me in a few years. It hasn’t always been that easy. She used to be extremely jealous. We wouldn’t even get out of our apartment together since she would think I would stare at any pretty girl passing by and, consequently, go apeshit.

We also used to have a difficult long distance relationship. After graduating from University, I moved back to my parents’ house in a foreign country to look for work from there. We oftentimes had difficult arguments over the phone and, of course, her jealousy did not fade.

I eventually found a job in my girlfriend’s town and moved back to that area. Something weird happened after that. My girlfriend said she wanted to break up, which we did. But we kind of stayed together anyway. I regularly stayed at her place, which is something that she and I both wanted. It is as if we were addicted to each other’s presence.

After living a few months in this odd but comfortable situation, my girlfriend told me she wanted us to get back together. We talked some things out and resumed our relationship indeed.

Our sex-life has been non-existent for the most part until recently. The good news is we started to have better sex since we officially got back together. Also, my girlfriend is not jealous anymore. We spend good moments together.

That being said, I fell in love with a colleague of mine. In retrospect, I think I fell in love with this young woman just before my girlfriend and I reunited. I don’t know if there’s a thing going on between this colleague and me. She’s genuinely friendly to everyone in general, but I feel like she’s slightly flirty with me. We’ve had great conversations and really opened up to each other until now. She’s utterly smart, eloquent and elegant.

I don’t know what to make of it, but whether she is into me or not is not the most important question. My falling in love with this girl makes me wonder if I should stay with my current girlfriend or just call it quits. Should I break up with my girlfriend in order to have the slightest chance to get with this colleague? Or, more realistically, should I just break up (since our relationship has been too rocky) and be single again for a while even though I don’t want to be alone? Or should i just stay with her ?

Roll The Dice

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