Today we have a treat for you: a new Post Mortem, and our first from a woman! Today’s examination is all about the one who got away, date gone disastrously wrong, and the series of poor choices that lead to where it all went wrong. And of course, the tough (Nerd)love to help ensure that the letter writer doesn’t make the same mistake again… even if that requires metaphorically smacking the stupid out of her.
Dear Doctor Nerdlove,
I really hope you can help me in time.
That’s never a good start…
Ok, so I’m going to *try* to keep this short,
but it won’t be.
I’m a girl, I’m 24 and I just had my first one night stand – I think. I hope.
Um… unless roofies were somehow involved, usually it’s pretty easy to tell whether you’d had your first one-night stand or not…
Since you’ve admitted to having some wild years, you’ve probably had your fair share of one night stands. I need help with the etiquette surrounding the situation. Specifically regarding the dude wanting more out of it then I do. I don’t know, but I’m freaking out a little and maybe it’s nothing, but I need some advice.
I’ve been doing the whole online dating thing for a couple of weeks now and it’s been fun. Messaging a bunch of guys, flirting, going on a couple of fun dates that went nowhere. Last night I had a date with a guy who was pretty boring in his emails, but also the hottest guy I’d been messaging. Good compromise, I thought.
You thought wrong, I’m guessing.
Your first mistake: assuming that looks were going to be a sufficient compromise for a personality. It’s tempting to throw standards to the wind when you have a shot at a Ryan Gosling look-alike, but if they have all of the intelligence or presence of a box of rocks, you’re going to find that those cheese-grater abs and dreamy brown eyes lose their luster pretty damn fast.
The date was at night and I took the bus so I could drink.
Mistake #2: Not having a mode of transportation that you can access when you feel the need. It’s one thing if you live in a major metropolitan city with 24-hour mass-transit, but I can already see this going badly. “Oh no, you missed the last bus! Hey, maybe I should give you a lift home. Hey, wanna stop by my place first for a nightcap and visit to my dungeon?”
Also: considering that it’s your first date with someone you barely know, getting so drunk that you’d be unable to drive is a bad idea. It’s a bad idea in general (you don’t want to act the fool on a first date and risk ruining things) but it’s especially dangerous for women. Better to err on the side of sobriety than end up drunk with someone you really aren’t sure you could trust.
I already knew that *if* I was going to sleep with any of my dates on the first date, it would probably be him. I already had two shots at home, just for some Dutch courage.
Pre-gaming a first date is a bad idea under the best of circumstances. Just sayin’.
(Important extra infomation: the dating thing is entirely new to me as I was a latebloomer and had my first boyfriend at 20. We dated for three years and I’ve been single for a year now. Up until I started online dating, I hadn’t even really thought about other men besides my ex. I am not over him in the slightest. He started dating again, so I figured I should too… Flirting with other men has definitely helped to distract me from my ex, but I’m still in love with him and his being with other girls breaks my heart…)
OK. First of all: actively dating – even some meaningless sex – is a great way to get over an ex. Keeping tabs on his dating life: not so good. This is part of why I advocate the Nuclear Option when it comes to break-ups; it’s admirable to want to remain friends after the break-up but you’re going to need time and perspective to heal. Having constant reminders that he or she has gotten over you or is moving on with your life is great… if you enjoy picking at scabs and making sure they never heal.
The last thing you want when you’re working to recover from a break-up is to be constantly deluged with jealousy and pain. Cut him out. You’ll have plenty of opportunities to get back in touch with him when you’ve actually managed to move on.