Doctor’s Note: Today’s column includes discussion about rape, sexual assault and false rape allegations. Because of the sensitive nature of the topic, I will be very strict about moderating the comments.
Hi Doc, I really appreciate everything you’ve written and I have a question about a situation that’s a bit of a twist on the old scenario, Mostly because the predatory party is a female. Forgive the upcoming wall of text but this is a long and complicated story.
For a little background I’ve known this person, let’s call her Alpha, for years and actually met most of my current friend group through her. It has never been a secret that she’s not the most stable person, nor is the fact that she has feelings for me, another woman who happens to be a lesbian. But I have no interest in her for a myriad of reasons and have made that crystal clear. The first time it came up I politely turned her down by pointing out the fact that she was married, even though it was an open relationship and I have no problem with that in principle. That reason happened to have her the least personally insulting one I could come up with for turning her down, but it’s obvious to everyone who knows her that she, and I’m quoting here, “covets” me to this day. Now knowing this about her and other things including the fact that she is bipolar and very hypersexual I have always kept her at an arm’s length, because something just seemed off. Unfortunately I have since found out I was properly paranoid to be cautious.
I drifted away from her over the years for various reasons including realizing that she’s in general just kind of a shitty friend. While her mom was dying of cancer a few years ago I tried to be there for her as much as I could but when my own mom got cancer it was radio silence on her end. During that period I also realized that she’s incredibly jealous of a friend of mine, Phi, who actually was there for me when all this was happening. At one point she attempted to reconnect with me but by then that ship had sailed because I realized she was only interested in being a friend when it was beneficial to her and she was still hoping to get in my pants someday. After that point contact between us generally ceased.
Enter Delta. He is another mutual friend of ours who I know has had feelings for her in the past. And at some point last year I became aware that something had happened between them that made them not want to be around each other. To say that what he told me in private made me furious is an understatement. Essentially she arranged for a situation where she stayed over at his house overnight without actually needing to, lured him into the guest room and attempted to have sex with him, with her as the clear aggressor. It got as far as her throwing a condom at him before he made an excuse to leave the room and then locked himself in his own room for the remainder of the night. The next day she acted normal and didn’t acknowledge anything had happened, but a few days later she came after him insisting he had assaulted her. She then dragged his name through the mud to other people we know and effectively got him blacklisted from our community.
I was furious to find out she had sexually assaulted my friend and then tried to blame him for it. And I fully believe Delta, in part because his story is almost identical to one Phi told me years ago about going to Alpha’s house when she was there alone to pick something up and she blatantly came on to him. He was more puzzled than anything and wasn’t receptive and he has never done anything physical with her, and I know Phi well enough that there is no reason he would lie about it because it’s just not in his character. Then the story gets stickier since at the time Alpha told other people, including Delta, that she was in a casual relationship with Phi, and worse, claims he was abusive to her. I only found out about this after Delta confided in me about what she did to him, and at this point we both realized the depth of her lies and the likelihood she has done this to others. It’s clear that he method is to falsely claim someone had abused her in response to rejection.
I have encouraged Delta to come forward to some of the people with influence in our community but he is reluctant to do so and thinks he will not be believed because he’s a man. I have offered to go with him since I have some training in this area and I believe his account is credible. But I know I can’t make him. He did eventually talk to Phi and they compared accounts so now they both know, but things are at a stalemate. Alpha has since become increasingly erratic and has separated from her husband to live with a boyfriend and is purposely going unmedicated for her bipolar disorder. I’m certain she will do this again to someone else if given the chance, and it pisses me off to know we have a predator in our community hiding being a lie of victimhood. But I also can’t do anything without the victims being willing to come forward.
On a personal note this infuriates me because I had my own experience with a guy in our community who harassed me for not being receptive to his advances (because lesbian) and Alpha went on a virtual crusade against him that ended with him getting banned, but now I find out she’s just as bad if not worse because her actions have progressed to the physical. I have avoided her as much as possible so my temper can’t get the better of me, since my reaction would probably be to cuss her out and reveal that I know her true colors.
So what do I do? Or have I done all I can for now? I just can’t stand the thought of this woman still being out there doing this to others.
Conflicted and Enraged