One of the joys – and I use the term loosely – of my job is finding the many, many ways that people try to turn romance, sexual attraction and the lack thereof into something that it’s not. The greatest example, of course, is The Friend Zone: the phantom prison that women exile good, wholesome men into because FUCK YOU PENIS, THAT’S WHY. Of course there is that pesky issue that the Friend Zone doesn’t actually exist. It’s not a case of ladders or a way of keeping men on the hook for nefarious purposes. It’s just one person who doesn’t want to fuck the other, and another person – almost always a guy – who can’t get over it.
Over the years, I have seen many erstwhile sexual philosophers attempt to define The Friend Zone in many ways, from a scam to a social ill that needed to be corrected by the government. But in my time I have never actually seen someone try to make the case that The Friend Zone is actually a matter of national security. But hey, that’s exactly what Hans Fiene did over at The Federalist.
ACTUAL QUOTE TIME:
The latest numbers on American birth rates are in, and they yield only one reasonable conclusion: All of us need to start having more babies or else the upcoming demographic tsunami will consume our nation, cripple our social programs, and leave us with a future so bleak that our only source of joy will be the moment we’re chosen to receive the sweet, fatal kiss of the Obamacare Death Panels, the Trumpcare Firing Squads, or the OprahCare Hemlock Squadrons.
Perhaps I’m overstating the danger a bit (Doctor’s Note: OH YA THINK?), but the point remains: Americans need to raise our sagging birth rates. One of the best ways we can do so is by reversing the trend of Americans waiting longer to get married. So, apart from tearing down America’s institutions of higher education, which tend to slow down the recitation of wedding vows, how do we do that? It’s quite simple. We tear down the Friend Zone.
No, you are not misreading this. Fiene is starting things off by equating The Friend Zone as being a key contributor to the decline in birth rates.
Now, even if we ignore the fact that the US population is expected to grow to 400 million by 2051, that is still a breathtakingly stupid way to start an already stale and insipid hot take. More impressively, Fiene’s argument manages to get fractally dumber the deeper you go. It is, quite literally, Not Even Wrong. It is parked perpendicularly to reality.
Now, Fiene is claiming that this is 60% satire and only 40% serious. But you know what? Even if we accept that hedge and let his bogus framing device go, the logic behind this deserves to be taken apart with the Chair Leg of Truth.
Let’s do this, shall we?