cheating Archives - Paging Dr. NerdLove

My Fiance Cheated on Me. Now He Wants An Open Relationship.

November 16, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi there Dr NerdLove,

I’m in a mess. I was supposed to get married this summer until we postponed for COVID; then two months ago my fiancé confessed to cheating on me. Not like once or twice, but probably twenty times with maybe a dozen different women, from one-night stands to hookups with a friend of his who I always distrusted to paying for blowjobs at a strip club, happy endings and prostitutes, to more one night stands and bar make outs, to an acquaintance of his (I had seen him flirt with her which feels awful), and lastly with a friend of mine several times after he moved in with me!! Ha!! This was mainly in the first three years of our relationship though earlier this year, while in pre-marital counseling, he ditched me to hang with some poly friends of friends and made out with a woman, though he confessed after.

My last ex cheated on and gaslit me terribly, which fiancé knew. Meanwhile, I knew my (ex?) fiancé wanted to explore sleeping with other people and I did try to have the conversation about how to make it safe for me. Obviously it was never going to be because he was dishonest and had disrespected me and been unethical. Also he never responded to my many efforts to open up a conversation around it, the most serious of which all happened after most of the cheating. Now he says he still needs an open relationship, and he seems to not want reconsidering that to be open-ended. We are living separately and in couples counseling; I’ve told some friends and family but my parents still think I’m engaged. Also, I’m about to be 37, and we were off birth control when he told me and in theory moving on to being open to having kids. I certainly can’t see opening anything up unless I feel radically safe and heard and prioritized which I never have been, and what’s way more important to me is having a secure foundation for being parents. I in theory can be down with sexual exploration but in all honesty it’s just not a priority. (I should also say that in our relationship I had the higher sex drive for years before lowering my expectations, and I almost never said no and I believe when he tells me I gave him the best sex of his life).

Obviously I loved him and wanted to be with him before I knew; when I found out I could clearly see the behaviors I had been ignoring and looking past and could kick myself for tolerating it, and him for letting me go down this path with someone who was being dishonest. I honestly don’t know if I can forgive the laundry list of betrayals, which still make me mighty mad.

Can I forgive him and also deal with his sleeping with other people in future under some theoretical framework that I question he could honor? Even less unsure! I guess I’m just looking for an outside opinion on what to do. He confessed out of guilt and has been willing to apologize and work on things, though some projection and resentment have popped up from him along the way that haven’t helped. He fundamentally shuts down when I need support a lot of the time, so maybe I just can’t at all be with him despite the other times together he made me happy. It sucks and I kind of can’t believe I have to deal with something this egregious again (but like, more so).

Heart Needs a Second Chance?

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Is There Any Way To Save My Relationship?

September 14, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey Doc,

I’m 24 and male, mostly interested in women, and I feel like I’m in a weird place because I’m having trouble finding a committed partner. I feel like I’m a bit behind, and I’m not sure where to go from here.

I have a degree, I’m working towards my dream career, in my dream city, I have many friends, skills, and hobbies, and on the whole, the only thing that seems missing is a loving, committed partner.

I seek it out, and I do find connection, good connection even, and yet after a few dates, it always seems to end. They’re too busy, or they aren’t feeling it, or I’m not feeling it, and I’m back to square one in a month or less.

I feel almost “behind” in this respect, as I have old friends from college with years-long relationships, and others who are more committed and stable in this area of life than I am, and it feels like I’m doing something wrong. I do research connection-building quite a bit, but it hasn’t quite gotten me where I want to be yet.

Some would say I’ve not yet found the “right person,” but it really feels like I have, but it’s been the wrong time, or it’s my fault for not presenting myself “right.” I was also kind of an awkward nerd as a kid and into college. I didn’t have my first girlfriend until I was 22, and that lasted only two months, my longest relationship to date, and I was a virgin until 23, and I’ve never had sex with a partner, only a few casual encounters here and there. This makes me feel worse, because I feel like I’m not getting anywhere in building romantic relationships with others, and that frustrates me.

I guess my questions here are along the lines of “how do I do better?” How do I get myself in a place where I find partners trying to build something like I am? I try to date when I can, and seek out people I can talk to, and enjoy getting to know, but it seems like I’m still not quite getting it right…

-Too Old for this Shit

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Help, My Girlfriends’ Guy Friends Make Me Jealous

July 24, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Doc,

So I have been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for close to two years now. And she has always had some male friends. In fact she has been hanging around these guys for years even before I met her. And she told they’re like brothers to her. I am aware that her mom knows them and is even friends with some of these guys parents. Before we met she use to hang out a lot with them but I told that I didn’t feel comfortable with that and she backed off. It would usually be every once in a while. Lately, especially because of the pandemic we’ve been talking on the phone a lot, close to all day sometimes (I don’t work everyday and she’s out of school at the moment).

These past few weeks they have starting hanging out more, I would say once or twice a week and it really bothers me. I’m currently in a different state for work and I know absolutely no one here and everything is closed to add to it. So phone conversations with my friends or her keep me busy. On the weekends I would try to hang out with some colleagues (that I would not usually go out with) to keep myself from thinking about her being with her friends. She’s a very direct type of girl and would tell you what she thinks right off the bat but I can’t seem to not think that she might be cheating or something especially when she goes home late even though she texts me whenever she’s out. I got so bad that I would get so angry when I come home from work and want to talk with her and she tells me she’s at their place, that I would not text her nor answer her calls until the next day.

I know there is an issue from my side and it starting to be poisonous for me but how should I address this situation?

Green Eyed Monster

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I Just Discovered My Boyfriend Is Living a Double Life

May 22, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove

I’ve been involved with a guy for a little over 5 years. We actually met online. I still remember the night I clicked on his profile. Based on looks, he wasn’t the kind of guy I would typically date, but from his profile and the small chats we exchanged online, he seemed pretty cool. The only problem was that we lived in different states.

Although Philadelphia and New York aren’t so far from each other, at the time it seemed like a world away. Nevertheless, we both agreed to meet each other after a few weeks. Long story short, we hit it off pretty well. And quickly became very close.

In the first few years of dating, we honestly didn’t get to see each other more than 1-2 times a month. But despite that we called, texted, and video chatted every day. In my mind, the relationship was real.

There was never any indication that he had anyone else in the picture. He seemed very transparent about his life.

Fast Forward towards the end of 2018. I decided to create an Instagram account to promote a small startup business. His profile popped up as a suggested follow. I decided to scroll through his page (I chose not to follow simply because I didn’t want to seem like a stalker). Most of the pictures on there were pictures/videos that I had either taken of him while we were out together, of activities we both did together, or things that he’s already shared with me through regular chats and messaging. However, I have to say that I was taken aback by the fact that he had no pictures of us anywhere on his profile. They were all pictures of him, or his nieces and nephews.

Anyway, I had seen a few post of his latest “nephew” who was born earlier that year, around the same time I began to notice a shift in our relationship. When I clicked on the picture, not only did he identify the child as his own but the child had his same f**king name.

I will never forget how heartbroken and crushed I felt when I discovered this.

What was even worse was that I found out that besides me there were two other women in his life. The mother of his child, and another woman who he had been dating for as long as me.

I tried to break things off with him, but it seemed like the more I pulled away the more he drew me back in. And within time we ended up becoming closer than ever. Our 1-2x a month visits literally turned into at least 3-4x a week (with both of us taking turns to make the back and forth travel). He made every effort to show me that he was done with the other women, and even had me speak to the mother of his child directly.

Everything seemed okay until a few months ago when I found out I was pregnant. He was adamant that I needed to get an abortion and that he didn’t want a child (even though he already had one). Initially, I was considering an abortion myself simply because I didn’t think I was ready for a child. But when I thought about it more, I didn’t feel comfortable with the process. I told him that it wasn’t something I wanted to go through with. Instead of trying to understand my perspective, he literally went into a rage and told me that if I didn’t have the abortion he would want nothing to do with me. I thought this was all just talk, that he was just scared, and would eventually come into his senses later on. But he meant every word.

I don’t know what to do. There are moments when he’s randomly super sweet to me, and acts life everything is okay. Then there are back to back days where he sends me long rants of how I ruined his life by not having an abortion. I’m completely baffled by this monster that I used to call my boyfriend. A part of me thinks that the reason he is so mad is because he’s still leading a double life.

What should I do?? I’m honestly scared of this man. But at the same I still do love him.

Btw, the baby is due in October.

Pregnant and Lost

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Should He Tell His Ex He Wants to Get Back Together?

March 2, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove,

I’ve been a long-time reader of your articles, and after so many years, I now find myself in need of your advice. It’s a bit of a long story. For context, I am a single 27-year-old man, and the woman in question is my ex, and is about to turn 26. We both work in the same profession. I’ll start with the background first.

In the fall of 2018, my ex and I first met when we were working together at a new internship. We clicked instantly, and the attraction was mutual. We began dating almost immediately. I have no doubt about the sincerity and genuineness of the relationship at the time; I have never been happier, and she loved me and appreciated who I was and what I could provide. Having said that, I need to say that at the time, she was married — to a man who I later found out was emotionally abusing her, before and during our own relationship.

Unfortunately for me, this was also my first ever relationship, which means I made some mistakes of my own, and those mistakes — combined with her renewed desire to try to make her marriage work — resulted in her ending our relationship in December of 2018. I was absolutely heartbroken.

This was not just some work affair or side thing for me — she was my girlfriend, and I was devastated. So much so that I ended up making the mistake of playing the “We can still be friends” card on the table, and ended up locking myself into that emotional prison for a further four months, until in April of 2019, she finally made me promise not to contact her anymore, because she was committed her decision and wanted to focus on that relationship. And I agreed, because I wanted her to be happy, and because I could understand where she was coming from.

And so it was for nearly eleven months. As I’m sure you know, going no contact cold turkey from a person you WANT to be with is one of the most horrible experiences a person could have. In my case, I developed depression, felt lonely and miserable, and I even sought help in a support group for failed relationships to find solace. Not one day went by that I didn’t think about her, and — surprise surprise — I was, and am, still in love with her. After so long without hearing from her, I eventually wrote an acceptance letter to her which I did not send, and I’m quoting myself here, “because I had to let her go.” That’s where I was.

Imagine my shock, then, when she did reach out to me! Almost eleven months later! It felt like a miracle. She wasn’t sure if I wanted to hear from her (she couldn’t have been more wrong), but she said that she was finally leaving him for good, due to the continued emotional abuse, and that she thought of me. We have been texting daily since (as of this letter, almost a week), and have even had a short phone call. I haven’t been this happy in a long time. I missed having my friend in my life. But I also miss having her as my girlfriend. And that, finally, is where my question begins.

Dr. NerdLove: I am still in love with my ex, who is now formally separating from her husband. I want her and I to try again. I want us back together. Should I tell her? How should I tell her? When? And is there any hope for us, in such a complex situation?

I have been happy talking to her as normal, and discussing our work and so forth, but when she left, I told her that I loved her and would always welcome her back; surely she’s at least considered the possibility of trying again, otherwise, why reach out to me at all? I can tell she’s a bit different now: she seems a little distant and sad, and a tad overworked, perhaps as a coping mechanism. I want to support her, but I’m not sure how.

To make matters even more complicated, right now, my ex is still located near me, but when she graduates from school, she will be moving back home to Texas, and then after that, when she acquires her license, she will be moving one state over from me (I’m in Virginia) to begin her dream job. Which means even assuming that she wants to actually rekindle our relationship– which is still a huge unknown and may not even be a possibility — it’s going to be forced to take on a long-distance component very soon. But I can deal with that. After having once gone fourteen months without seeing her, there’s very little now I wouldn’t do to be able to be with her.

Doctor, is there any hope for us? And is there anything I can do to let her know that I don’t care about the past, but that I do want to be there for her in her future? I love her so much, but I feel like a compass that doesn’t know where true north is anymore.

Thank you for reading, I know it was long, but if this is or can be a second chance, I want to do it right this time, and any advice or insight is appreciated 🙂

Still Waiting

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