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I Have An Inconvenient Crush On My Friend. Is My Relationship Doomed?

March 7, 2022 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

I just recently celebrated a three year anniversary. We’ve always gotten along really well, we have a good sex life, we have fun, we live together, and my partner is kind and attentive to my six year old daughter that lives with us part time. There’s not a lot of intensity and depth but we’re kind to each other and there for one another. There shouldn’t be anything wrong, but yet… I find my mind straying. 

I have a really good friend. We’ve been friends for years, nothing romantic, we just get along really well and understand one another. I can’t stop fantasizing about him lately. There’s no real reason or trigger, nothing has changed, and yet he’s frequently on my mind. It’s almost compulsive. I feel guilty about this, even though I’m not flirting with him or participating in any uncouth behavior.

I’m just having trouble, I guess. Is my fantasizing about my friend the result of a root unhappiness in my relationship or the realization of something deeper? Do I just want to end things and am using this friend as a mental excuse for the detachment building in my mind? Am I a bad person?

I think about it a lot: if this is what I want forever. We’re engaged, and we have been since October 2020, but we’ve never really planned anything. I’ve never really tried or wanted to but I can’t explain why. Now that I look back on all of this, I just feel so confused. Am I staying because I want to or because I feel obligated because the break-up would upset my daughter and derail the relative comfort of my life? Is it guilt because why would you end something with someone who is kind and funny and good when you have no real reason to other than this nagging in the back of your mind? Is it normal to have these doubts and insecurities and challenges? Am I going mad?

I’m sorry, upon rereading I feel that I’m not being super clear here at all and totally understand if there’s not much you can help me with, advice-wise. If there is, though, I’d appreciate it.

Sincerely,
Moonstruck in the Midwest

[Read more…]

Should I Leave My Girlfriend To Pursue My Crush?

December 29, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Doc,

I’ve been reading your column for many years and found that thinking of what advice would I give first and then comparing it with your answer is a great way to gradually calibrate my views about relationships. So I figured I would ask for your holy Chair Leg now since I have no idea what advice to give myself (or rather – I do, but all of it sounds dumb to me and I suspect I am deceiving myself in some ways).

For the context, I am a 27y old hetero guy and I’ve had some struggles with dating due to shyness and inexperience, but have since gone through several pretty good relationships which ended for just not being that compatible. I always knew that I am seeking someone for a lifelong committed relationship, someone with who I could one day become awesome parents.

It has now been more than 3 years since I started dating the girl of my dreams (I had had a crush on her for more than a year before that, discovered she had started dating my friend instead, tried to forget about her, met her many months after, learned she was single again and that she obviously wanted me too), let’s call her R. She is smart, fun and cute, we are both geeks and hikers and love each other profoundly. At first, she wasn’t sure if she wanted to ever have kids but has since told me she wants them one day if it’s with me. Our relationship was always pretty smooth and without fights or drama, even after we moved together with my friends as our flatmates – R became great friends with them too. And the relationship is still mostly great, except maybe for falling a bit into a routine recently, which is something we know about and I believe is very solvable if we put the effort into doing new things together and having deep talks more often.

As you might expect, there is a But. And it’s another girl, my long-time friend B.

B is a member of our team of volunteers who are also my main group of friends, a second family so to say. I will call them the Crew. I’ve known B since she was a kid and was always fond of her, but no romantic thoughts had crossed my mind due to our age difference (she is 9 years younger). Recently, however, something changed – she is an adult now, very mature and responsible in (some) ways, and we started working and hanging out together more often (mostly with other people of the Crew too, not alone). I also ended up becoming one of B’s people to talk to about her family crisis and other issues, so we got to know each other much more.

And this summer, I realized I have gradually developed a huuuuge crush on B – I am not only extremely attracted to her and fantasize about her a lot, but I also deeply care about her, have fun talking with her and she inspires me by always caring for others and facing her own fears and issues. She’s also awesome with kids. I can’t stop thinking about her and am grateful for every moment I can spend with her.

I didn’t want to ruin my great relationship with R, so I told myself that my feelings for B are just an unfortunate crush that should fade away if I focus on me and R. It sounded like a wise plan.

But hell, this plan is failing catastrophically! It has now been around six months and my crush on B got much much more intense instead of fading away. I think about her and my situation almost constantly now, longing for B, feeling guilty that I do it, feeling helpless, wondering if a relationship with B could have potential, running in circles around my head. Sometimes I can’t sleep for hours and this state is also hurting my relationship with R because I am distracted and feel that keeping this secret struggle from her is slowly pulling us apart…

I just wish I could split up into two parallel worlds – one where I stay with R and a second where I break up with her and try it with B – and see where both options lead to be able to decide. I think I love both of them in some way and I don’t see a good way out of this.

It sounds ridiculous to risk or throw away the great and tested relationship with R for an unsure quantum field of possible outcomes with B. I don’t even know if she would want me, because I didn’t want to cross any lines when I have a girlfriend. I only know that B likes me at least as a good friend and is maybe a bit more casually touchy with me than others. But hell, even if she is attracted to me, she hasn’t probably considered me as an option because of our age difference and me being with R, plus she has never dated anyone, so she might be very insecure about it. And even if she wanted me and we actually started something, who knows if it lasts when it’s her first relationship…

But as ridiculous as that might be, I am just unable to let B go. I know the crush would fade with time if I stopped seeing her, but that would mean cutting myself off from the Crew and frankly, I just don’t wanna do it. I think I will be pretty okay if I find out that B doesn’t want me, but if I could have only one of the girls in my life, I am afraid I would choose B and the Crew.

So now I got to the point where I think my only option is to sincerely tell R about my crush on B and my whole struggle because keeping it a secret is slowly destroying our relationship and myself. I am not sure how she would respond, but I would then suggest we take a break because I am unable to be with her fully until I explore the option with B and find out what I really want. If me and R split, I would tell B that I like her in this way and ask if she would like to go on something explicitly date-y with me to explore if there is some potential between her and me, assuring her that it’s completely alright if she says no.

But although I couldn’t come up with anything better to do, this still feels pretty unpractical and scary for a lot of reasons – It could hurt R for a long time… I could lose R just to hear “No” from B… R and I live together… We have common friends and plans… R and B know and like each other and this would definitely change that somehow… The information could leak through the Crew to B before I ask her myself.. – for all those reasons, I keep postponing for now.

Please tell me Doc – am I missing something or is this dumb Plan B the smartest thing I could do? Thanks for doing all this,

– Need A Parallel Universe

[Read more…]

My Boyfriend Cheated. Should I Try To Make It Work?

December 8, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Dr. NerdLove!

My boyfriend recently had an affair with a co-worker that lasted for about a year. I’m not sure of the exact details because he won’t be totally honest with me. He’s embarrassed and ashamed, as he should be. I’m hoping that he will eventually provide those details, as I must have transparency in order to even consider moving towards forgiveness. The infidelity was the “straw that broke the camel’s back.” I’m struggling severely trying to deal with his infidelity and have I’ve considered leaving the relationship more times than I can count. I feel a pain that I cannot quell. The betrayal has broken my spirit, hardened my heart, and produced insecurities and feelings that I didn’t even know I had. I’ve developed severe anxiety since discovering the affair through text messages on his phone. It’s so bad that I literally feel sick to my stomach on a daily basis. I’m stuck in a cycle of rumination about what happened that I can’t seem to stop or control. Every time he leaves the house, I’m wondering who he’s with and if he’s cheating. Every phone call or text message he gets, I’m wondering who sent the text and/or who’s on the line. I hate my current behavior. This is not me! I hate who I’ve become as a result of his betrayal. In fact, I don’t think I know who I am anymore. The old me would never have even considered being with a man who cheated. I’m violating my own boundaries and it pisses me off. I’m disgusted by his touch right now and I don’t know how I’m going to be able to have sex with him again without some thought about the whore he had sex with repeatedly. Oh and to make matters worse, he cheated without using protection, all done during the height of the pandemic. I’m on the brink of a total mental health break down. Our bond has been broken and I know that it will never be the same.

With all that said, I think that professional help is necessary if we are to move forward and have any chance for the future. We stopped having sex about a year ago, which I think was part of the reason why he cheated. But that doesn’t by any means excuse his behavior. Our communication is one-sided, meaning I do all of the talking. He has a hard time expressing his feelings, probably due to growing up in an abusive household with a cult like atmosphere (Jehovah’s Witness). He’s also a chronic and pathological liar. It’s actually quite amazing. I had no idea that people like him even existed. I would classify him as a total narcissist. He lies about everything big and small. Even when presented with evidence of his guilt, he’ll continue to lie and try to gaslight me. He also has several addictions from soda to cigarettes to porn to gambling. He spent over $2000 just in the last 2 months on gambling, which just adds more stress to the relationship. The ONLY reason why I’ve stayed up to this point is because of some lingering, maybe foolish sense of hope. Don’t get me wrong, I’m very skeptical about the ability to salvage this relationship, but I’m willing to try begrudgingly and with caution. Through everything, I really do love this man. I’ve invested almost 4 years into this relationship and at the end of the day, he’s my best friend. I guess what I’m really asking you is should I put any more energy into making this relationship work? I’m beyond tired. Exhausted in every way. I’m overweight. I put on 50 pounds over the last 2 years due to prolonged and continuous stress and I’m more depressed than I’ve ever been in my entire life. We are scheduled to start couples therapy within the month and we both have regular, individual therapy sessions for personal development as well.

Dr. NerdLove, should I even go through with the couples therapy? Or is this relationship already at the point of no return? Please help!

—– Totally Depleted

[Read more…]

How Do I Stop Someone Who’s Trying to Ruin My Marriage?

November 17, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hello,

I happened to find you through a google search when I tried to look up info about how to avoid creeping people out. I’m emailing you because I want to see if you’re able to answer any questions that I have about your article: “Social Awkwardness is Not an Excuse” in writing? I’m asking because I have limited ability to pick up on non-verbal cues and adhere to social norms due to my Aspergers, which is often resulting in me being subject to numerous complaints to school officials and authorities. Many times, I normally don’t realize that what I happened to do to someone is actually crossing the line until the very last minute, which by then, it’s already too late for me to fix.  Here are the following questions:

1. What creepy behaviors would most likely subject the person responsible to civil and/or criminal penalties, including disciplinary action from school?

2. Do difficulties with social cues and norms really increase the risk of unintentionally creeping people out? If so, can you explain how come and how prevalent this issue is?

3. Many times, I often resort to briefly advocating to those I’m about to associate and/or frequently cross paths with about my Aspergers and the extent of it (which especially includes my frequent need for clear communication) in order to reduce the chances of any misconceptions that could happen. What do you have to say about that?

4. I’ve heard rumors that because women and girls are conditioned to be nice in certain situations, any chance of them communicating clearly to you if something was to happen that I may not know about is very rare. Is that really true? If so, how can I possibly get around this?

5. How come can’t you use “I wasn’t really aware since she didn’t communicate her boundaries to me clearly” as an excuse when it comes to being accused of unintentionally creeping her out? Bc for me, this is more of a concern if the circumstances were a misconception

Please note that I am NOT seeking a dating relationship by asking these questions, I’m only trying to make sure I have confidence in building friendships the acceptable way and staying out of trouble in general from there. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Thank you,
Trying To Find The Manual

[Read more…]

I Love My Partner. So Why Do I Want To Be Single Again?

October 4, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey Doc, 

So, I lived very happily being single for some time – and I also had my quota of serious relationships in the past. But after some time being single, I met this girl in my home country that I really feel comfortable with. Then, fate happened: I moved to another country on another continent. Although I was still feeling comfortable by myself, after some time dating at a distance and a few very expensive plane tickets, we decided that it could be cool to live together here: at least as a test… we never lived with a couple before so it was a new experience for both of us. It was really a pain to bring her here, because of COVID  bureaucracy, the fact that she came with her cat (and I had mine)… but we finally made it.

So, it’s already been a year since she arrived, and I’m still comfortable with her. The thing is, I’m really missing the fact of being single: particularly in the fact of dating other random women.

Don’t get me wrong, I feel really sexually satisfied and happy with her right now, but I do miss the fact of getting out there, trying to seduce other bodies, other voices, other personalities; even if that sometimes derived in a not-so-satisfying sexual encounter, the fun was in all the process.

We had a very short conversation about “opening the relationship” but she was 100% against it, so clearly “going rogue” would definitely hurt her a lot. But I really feel very tempted…


Any suggestions here?
Cheers,
Abroad Guy With Single Thoughts

[Read more…]

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About Dr. NerdLove:

Harris O'Malley (AKA Dr. NerdLove) is an internationally recognized blogger and dating coach who gives dating advice to geeks of all stripes. Making nerds sexier since 20011

Remember: Dr. NerdLove is not really a doctor. [Read More …]

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