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Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do I Stop Being Too Intimidating To Date?

August 23, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

I’m a single 35F cis/straight who’s nearly at the end of my rope with dating. I’d like to think I’m a halfway decent catch- good family, reasonably cute, well educated, no criminal record, etc. The problem is I think maybe I’m intimidating to guys? I’m a physician and am used to making life-critical decisions every day; medicine is still a fairly male-dominated industry, so I have learned to stick up for myself and not take BS from people; I make pretty good money and can afford what I want, so I don’t need a man to pull out his wallet and treat me…. In fact, more often than not I want to pay on a first date (1. I don’t think it’s fair that dudes have to go broke just to date, and 2. If I pay then I don’t owe you anything- we’ve all heard the stories about the jerk who Venmo’d the girl the cost of her drink cuz she didn’t go home and blow him).

But it’s not just money. All of the guys I’ve ever dated said they wanted a Strong, Clever, Independent woman, but when they get me it’s like they can’t deal with the fact that I’m strong or clever or independent (all things I love about myself). My last boyfriend actually got mad at me when my car broke down and I called AAA before I called him. He said my not being “more damsel-y” made him feel unneeded and emasculated. This has been a recurring theme in most of the ends of my post-college relationships. To make matters worse, I’m into BDSM and the rougher stuff… while I think being submissive in bed is a great way for me to balance the scales, turns out this seems like another reason guys turn tail and run.

At first I thought I was being too picky, but over the past 7 years I’ve taken my Deal Breaker list and refined it down to 1. Actually single, 2. Non-smoker, 3. College educated, 4. No kids. I don’t think I’m asking for that much! I communicate my feelings, don’t play games, and don’t expect a guy to know what I’m thinking or what I want unless I’ve explicitly told him. And yet, I’m about to rip my hair out. So I turn to you. How do I stay true to my inner Wonder Woman without inadvertently doing an emotional Lorena Bobbitt on my relationship?

Sincerely,
-What’s Wrong With Being Confident?

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: Should I Have An Affair Before I Get Married?

May 6, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hello Dr. NerdLove

I had been with my current girlfriend for almost 7 years and I feel happy and good with her. In February, I asked her to marry me and she said yes. We will get married at the end of this year. I consider everything is ok between us, but recently, a work partner (48, F) , suggested to me in a work chat that I should have a last romantic adventure. She told me I should enjoy my last chance to stay with another girl. I disregarded this and just dropped that idea but everything changed a couple days ago.

Some background … 6 years ago I took English lessons due to my job. I met there many people and I got along well with one girl in special. She was 14 and I was 24 years old. Nothing weird happened at the time, but now after 6 years, I discover I like her and she seems to like me. Everything started with a Facebook post that something like this “if you read this you should kiss me one time if you continue reading at this point, two times, and three times at this part of this text” …

Well, I consider that so funny and then I replied, “sorry but I read the full text” and that was the beginning. We have a kind of “date” last week and we spend a wonderful time. We went to watch a movie and after that, we went to a bar. There was where everything started. We had some drinks, we had some chat and then we confessed our attraction. After that, she suddenly kissed me. I have to admit, I enjoyed it and I like it too. We spend all night dancing and drinking. We had a lot of kisses too. After that weekend, we continued chatting about more intimal dates and both accepted to do “that”.

We will have our “romantic date” this weekend. She is very excited about that and me … I feel just “ok” with that. However I feel a little curious about stay with her one night. I am pretty sure I want to stay forever with my fiancée, I haven’t any doubt about it.

Of course, my fiancée doesn’t suspect anything but I feel a little bad about doing this, but I think too this would be my last chance to have a “romantic adventure” before getting married.

I don’t know if this is something I should try and I would like to know if this is really bad … please help me

Feet Getting Cold

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: Do I Have To Agree to An Open Relationship?

May 1, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Dr. NerdLove,

I have been seeing/dating someone for over four months now, and everything was great. He was always so sweet, and we had so many common interests that we just talked for seven hours on our second date. I found myself falling for him, but then two weeks ago, my friends sat me down and basically dropped a bomb on my happy bubble. My one friend had been scrolling through Bumble when she saw my SO’s account. She created a fake account and matched with him, and they ended up chatting and setting up a date. I read through those messages, saw the flirty emojis, and then saw that he suggested they meet for coffee at the same place he suggested we go on our first date. It was also on a Sunday at 2pm. This is what really knocked the air out of me. I didn’t know how to process or deal with it all. My friends ended up going to the coffee date and essentially telling my SO that they had told me, and he seemed terrified. Later that evening, he texted me saying that he thought we were on the same page with our “friendship” and that he really likes me and values our “friendship”. The fact that he used that word twice for emphasis was so painful.

In the first couple months of dating, I kept trying to bring up our relationship so that I could have some peace of mind. He kept avoiding the conversation though. I knew he was a bit wary of labels and commitment, so I thought that maybe that was it. I reasoned that he showed his care through actions and that I didn’t need a label to be happy with him. That was a mistake.

Two days after the coffee meet up, he came over to my apartment to talk. For four months he hid the fact that he doesn’t like monogamous relationships and that he is essentially poly. He confessed to hiding it from me because he didn’t want me to tell him to “take a hike”. He said that he was working up to talking to me about it, and that if I left then, he would at least have gotten to spend time with me. Is it wrong for me to find that incredibly selfish?

I don’t doubt that he cares for me, and I don’t doubt the chemistry that we have, but I’m starting to doubt that he cares enough to consider my feelings. I was faced with the ultimatum of breaking things off or officially entering an open relationship with him. For an entire week I could barely get out of bed or eat. My dreams were filled with heartache and more conflict. I couldn’t focus on anything, which was especially bad because it was finals week.

I eventually made the tentative decision to try the open relationship with him. I knew that I would not be able to see anyone else though. That’s just not the way I am. I invest myself fully into my relationships, and I love to love and be loved. My previous relationship was extremely toxic and abusive, so I still carry many insecurities and warped perceptions about relationships. I expressed this concern to my SO, and he basically said that jealousy was childish and that I had no reason to be insecure. He kept dropping comments about how there was stigma against his lifestyle, making me feel like I couldn’t express my concerns or feelings in fear of offending him.

I really truly don’t know what to do. Well, I do. I know I need to break things off. That is the best option for my mental health and soul, but perhaps I am too nearsighted because I can’t bear the thought of cutting him out of my life. At the same time, I am in a perpetual state of anxiety and heartache. I am hyper aware that I am always initiating contact, so I try to hold off for several days. The silence just makes things worse.

My mind is a jumbled mess, and my emotions aren’t even distinguishable anymore. Please, I am so desperate for advice and help. I feel like this is crushing me.

Closed Door

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do I Get Over Someone Who Didn’t Exist?

March 8, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove,

I need help.

I fell in love with a man three and a half years ago. He lived on another continent. It was hard. But we worked hard for it. We had miscommunications, he did things that hurt me, my mental health was hard to deal with at times, we both had hardships and life changes. But after over two years together and a few international moves on his part, he finally found a dream job in my city. I thought we’d done it. We fought and worked for our relationship, through all that we were the bright spot in each other’s lives, we were finally at the point where it would be all downhill from here. We lived together for about four months. Then it all collapsed when it came out that he’d been cheating on/with me since day one. I had forgiven him every time I caught him in lies about other partners, I’d believed him when he’d sworn he’d do better by me. But it was all a lie. Our relationship was a con job.

Two and a half years of lying, cheating, gaslighting, violating my most fundamental boundaries. Every scrap of love and support and affirmation was knowingly stolen from me.

And here’s the problem:
I still love him.

I know the version of him I love doesn’t exist. The man who respected me, the man who worked to live up to my moral standards, the man who meant it when he looked me in the eyes and swore to be better, he was an act. I can never go back to not knowing, things can’t be what they were before. I would never be able to trust that he was engaging with the work to improve himself in good faith, so things can’t move forward. Our past was a lie and our future is non-existent.

But here I am, almost a full year later and I miss him so much I can’t breathe sometimes. I dream about him. I can’t see a picture of his face without crying (and I can’t avoid him completely because we have many mutual friends I won’t part with and social media blocking/muting systems are pathetic). Part of it is missing having a serious partner, part of it is the trauma of how it all ended, but a lot of it is HIM. I miss our banter, I miss his perspective on things, I miss his smile and his face and his voice. I still want to tell him weird facts and mundane shit about my day. I miss listening to him rant about things he was interested in and things he was mad about and things I would never have encountered on my own.

My mind knows that he was lying to me non-stop, and nothing was really real. But my heart found something that made it feel the best it ever had, that it would have fought for through anything, and I can’t get it to bow to reality.

How do I fall out of love with a dream?

Sincerely,
Longing to Wake Up

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do I Handle a Toxic Friend?

December 17, 2018 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Doc:

About three years ago, I had a close knit friend group that I had a falling out with. I was close with all of those girls but one in particular, and she was the main cause of why I don’t speak to that group to this day.

Now I won’t bore you with the details of why I don’t speak or acknowledge her but essentially her choices, words and actions could be summated into bullying, purposeful ostracizing of me from the group and horrid gossip. I can’t pinpoint how this all started, but I cut my losses after a year of the harassment and stopped talking to them (even the ones who acknowledged her abuse). It took me about a year with therapy to get over the loss of that friend group and the anger I felt for her turning them against me, but I picked myself up and started making new friends.

My friends now are beautiful and supportive; however, recently I have noticed that this “old friend” has begun hanging around my group. This is fine because for the last 3 years, if we are at the same party, she and I are free to enjoy but I’m not going to converse with her. So here’s the issue. I noticed that one of our mutual friends said something along the lines of “don’t worry about Friends of Foe, she won’t do anything that would bother you” to her at one of these parties. I know this sounds like I’m jumping to conclusions (entirely possible), but this is the similar attack method she used last time. She made me out to be a bully and rallied our friends around her cause of taking me down…

Am I wrong to feel like she is up to her old tricks? Am I wrong for setting high boundaries and not letting her in my life even though its been 3 year and she and I have mutual friends? Should I just ignore her and continue on my way?

All in all, I’m worried that she is bomb about to explode in my friend group. And if this concern is warranted, I’m unsure on what to do. I’m firmly against speaking to my friends about her because I don’t want to preach to my friends that she destroyed my reputation, while simultaneously doing that to hers. Her presence doesn’t give me anxiety the way it used to but I still have one line, I’m fine with having mutual friends but I can’t tolerate that kind of behavior again. Unsure what to do…

Best,
Friends of Foe

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