Thanks for the site. I’ve been an avid reader for a while and your advice has helped me understand some things about relationships. My current issue basically boils down to some miscommunication that ultimately led to 1.5 years of going after a girl (yeah, I know) ending quite abruptly.
So I met this girl (who happens to be Indian and I’m white) when she joined my workplace which is already a dicey situation for romance. I quickly developed an interest in her and it seemed like we hit it off pretty well. Normally, I would just ask her out on a date but with the workplace situation I was concerned with the possible career ramifications if things go awry or she bristled at the notion of me asking her out. So I foolishly decided that it would be an okay idea to play the long game.
We hung out with others more in the beginning but she then asked me if I wanted to go on a day trip hiking with her. Of course I’m thinking, “Hmm, does she just want to go with someone on the hike or was she asking me specifically?” Things went well but never really took off from there (which is difficult what with me making very oblique references to my interest in her).
After some time she stopped asking me out and it was just me trying to keep things alive. Furthermore, while should used to respond quickly to my texts to hang out with a resounding yes (I’m always looking for that “soft no” but didn’t believe I could find it), hours would now pass before a response. This then got to a weird situation where I would ask her to hang out, she would say yes, and then repeatedly flake on me the day of with some excuse which didn’t seem probable given how many times it happened (why does she do this? Couldn’t she give me a soft no instead of blowing my plans on the weekend? Or did she change her mind after the fact?).
Fast forward to last week where we had made plans again (which I had finally decided to ask her out after moving to separate teams) only to have her say that, in fact, she was moving out of her apartment that day and couldn’t go. She’s says, “Let’s try next weekend!”. The next weekend (yeah, I can’t help myself) I take her up on that offer and she says she can’t because her relatives are in town to help her with wedding shopping because she is getting married! Well, that felt like the most powerful sucker punch I’d ever taken. The wedding planning had apparently been going on for several months and I was just informed via canceling our plans.
Now, I don’t know if there were cultural aspects at play that really tripped me up in concert with the fact that I’m not experienced in the dating game myself. Can you help me put this whole thing in perspective? Did it ever seem like there was a chance with us or did she always see me as a friend at best? How did the whole work situation influence things? What was the deal with the flaking; that’s not okay, right? Why did she wait so long to tell me she was getting married? Did I blow this whole thing up in my head much bigger than it was?
– Mystifyingly Mixed Messages