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Ask Dr. NerdLove: We’re On A Break. What Does That Mean?

October 14, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey Dr. NerdLove,

So I had a decade long relationship with a lady (We’ll call her B) which came to an end. We both realised we needed to do things for ourselves and work on becoming better more mature people emotionally for each other. In order to work on some of our toxic habits within the relationship, we took a break from the relationship. But the reality is, we weren’t sure if it was a permanent break up or not.

Fast forward a year after, we continued talking and having fairly regular friend-sex, but I made a huge move away. We had spoken about wanting to get back together for months, but we both believed we weren’t quite there yet. We see each other as the one and only of our lives, but we had been dating for the entirety of our adult lives, and sometimes it felt like things were missed outside of our relationship . I have started to become needy and concerned in my time away wanting to talk to her more but I was busy with work and worried she would see me as needy and annoying. I was also scared that she was seeing other guys. Getting so scared about it made me feel very insecure, selfish and immature, wanting her to myself even though I moved away from her.

For some context, I have had sex and some teenage experiences before being with her, but I was her first and only experience for the last 10 years and I think that slightly adds to my insecurity. She has used that slightly as a reason to wanting to see what it was like to sleep with others.

After moving, she continued sending me things like nudes and telling me to hurry and visit because she’s getting “desperate” — just all playful flirty fun to get me rushing back sooner I guess. But last night I tried to call her wanting to catch up and talk about the “us” situation.

Well it ended in her missing my calls and telling me later she has been having sex with some other guys specifically that night while I was calling her and other nights before this, she would reaffirm that nothing was serious, I was still special and important and saying things like no one gets her or makes her feel like I do, especially sexually. She also said that a lot of what she’s been doing has been to due to depression; she has a history of self harm and ended up replacing it with sex, sex that I could no longer give her since I moved.

(I was unaware of the self harm coming back up until recently; she had only continued in the last few months.)

I guess my question is: how do I come to grips with all of this? I truly believe she still loves me and I know I still love her. After a long up and down night, we seem more determined than ever to get back together and make it work in the near future. Of course, the geographical location side of things being eventually dealt with as well.

But I feel so horrible and like a fool. It’s brought me to tears every day, I feel angry, replaced and unneeded, but also jealous and somewhat envious. She was happy for me to see other girls but I can’t bring myself to even try now, I don’t see myself as someone who could get laid or do the dating thing anymore. Not to mention I’m still madly in love with her and don’t want to string other girls along just for sex to even some sort of score between me and B.

I am dealing with all sorts of emotions daily now and plan to make regular visits to her until it either we break up for good, or one of us makes the move and we get back together. I want to feel important and special, and she says all the right things but I am having such a hard time getting over her experiences while we weren’t together. I wanted to be mature and understanding but I’m struck with jealousy and anger like nothing else.

She tells me she doesn’t want to keep sleeping with guys after talking to me, that she wished I was more needy and spoke to her on the phone more, that might have made her less wanting of finding other temporary guys. I wish I put in the effort now, I feel like an absolute fool for trying not to bother her constantly when she tells me now that’s what she wanted, that she hasn’t thoroughly enjoyed sex without me and misses talking to me.

I just wanna be the better man and believe she wants me over anyone else and be better for her, that I don’t become resentful because of her interest in experimenting out there during our “break”. Help?

Break Up or Break Down

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do I Keep The “Friend” In The FWB?

September 27, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

I am a 33 year old single, heterosexual female living in a large metropolitan area nearish the east coast. There’s a man who’s been in my life on and off for the past ~6 years, but in the last 3 years we’ve spent more time together, including in a romantic, sexual capacity, yet still casual. We’re very close in age, but less so in distance: we live in different states, separated by a two hour plane ride. Through traveling we intend to see each other F2F at least once a quarter and very recently met up F2Fd when he came to visit and stay with me for a short weekend.

We are settling into a budding friends with benefits relationship, a relationship archetype I only truly became comfortable with in the last 6 months as I matured emotionally and became more self-aware. I definitely had some help through your article on FWB (how the phrase still includes the word “friend” and no strings attached doesn’t equate to no respect or no consideration). It was your article which allowed me to view this relationship through a different, healthier lens—it’s fair to say I am far more open, flexible, and vulnerable in this FWB now than I was 2 years ago which has really helped this relationship flourish considerably, even in a short period of time

There is no expectation of commitment or monogamy on either side now or in the near or distant future. We’re enjoying one another as people, friends, and lovers and just seeing where things take us. My question is what happens to our relationship when one or both of us meet someone else, someone else who has expectations of commitment and monogamy which the respective person involved is willing to fulfill? Once you’ve crossed over from being friends to something more, is there anyone going back? Can the sexual/romantic/non-platonic aspects of our relationship be turned on and off like a faucet? Or excised as a foreign, inanimate, or unnecessary vessel or object? And beyond the “can” what about the “should”? If you can turn off certain aspects of a relationship, should you? Can you cherry pick and preserve the friendship in the relationship whilst leaving the romance or sex in the past? In addition, is it reasonable for anyone involved (me, my FWB, a future partner for either of us) to expect our FWB relationship to end in its entirety? Is it equally reasonable for this man and I to expect the friendship aspect of our relationship to persevere through commitment and monogamy elsewhere?

This is a relationship I value and wish to cultivate, how do I do this while still respecting and cultivating other relationships which have the potential to become committed and monogamous?

Do Not Pass Go

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do I Talk To My Girlfriend About Her Weight?

August 2, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey Doc,

I’m dealing with an issue with my partner that I’m not sure how to handle. I’m a 32 year old straight male who has recently come off a long single streak. I’m settling into a new relationship with younger woman which is going swimmingly with one glaring issue. My partner in the past year lost a good deal of weight, to the tune of over 70 lbs. At the moment I’d say she is still 10-20lbs short of a truly attractive and healthy weight. When I got into our relationship I took this as a sign of someone who had decided to turn their life around and get healthy, something I can really respect. As our relationship has progressed however I have realized that she has decided that her current weight is perfect and ideal. This may have something to do with her friends and family who seem to delight in teasing her for being “so small”. I’m trying to figure out how to deal with this on several levels.

On a superficial level I just would love to see the woman I love looking as good as possible. More importantly however I have a personal hangup with false body positivity. I don’t mind people being overweight however I have a very hard time with people who glorify fat as “curvy” or simply deny the state of their bodies. I am a reasonably attractive individual but far from perfect and I constantly work to improve how I look and I’m very open about my continuing commitment to health. In contrast my partner seems to reflect the image of being tiny that her friends and family tease her about back without consideration of her actual weight. This is what I have the most trouble with as whenever she makes a comment glorifying something about her weight and how tiny she is I know I freeze up as it really rubs me the wrong way.

I’m aware that this is a personal issue with me, not necessarily her, but it is something that I know I need to deal with in order for us to continue to have a long term relationship. On the flip side however I’m unsure how to have the conversation in a way that doesn’t come off as “hey, I think you’re fat”.

Would love any suggestions you may have as to how I can deal with this!

Not Looking For A Little Extra

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do I Ask My Friends To STOP Helping?

July 29, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove,

People want me to be an incel, but in a positive, feminine way. How do I get them to stop?

This isn’t so much a dating question as it is a how do I deal with people who think I should be dating problem. Well meaning people love telling me that I’m beautiful and vibrant and anyone would be lucky to be with me and it’s not your fault dudes aren’t into you it’s just how our society is or whatever lame excuse.

This of course is bullshit. I am not attractive, I am morbidly obese, I lack femininity, and my personality is abrasive. Yet people with zero skin in my game adamantly disagree with these facts and it turns into a self esteem pep talk. Rejecting this, I’m then an asshole for being pessimistic and mean because they’re just trying to help me feel better.

I insist on acknowledging my reality because it is emotionally easier to know why things are not working than to think everything is fine and yet not working for some unknown unfair reason. It took me many years of sadness and despair to work this out. BTW when dudes can’t work this out we call them incels and it’s a bad thing.

I’m not a bum who wallows in misery. I got a Master’s degree in my late 30’s. I travel. I have a job that I like. I go to cool underground shows and art events. I’m currently re-watching all the James Bond movies in order. Anyway, I hope someday I do find a guy who is into me and we can have a loving and supportive relationship but it is horribly heartbreaking and impractical to just cluelessly bemone why I haven’t.

Ok thanks, I’d appreciate any advice you might have.

Thank you,
Not Their Business Anyway

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do I Tell Someone We’re Never Having Sex?

July 19, 2019 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hey Doc,
I really enjoy your blog. It’s helped a lot with picking myself up after my long-term girlfriend cheated on me.

I’m a bisexual woman in my early 20s who’s moving to a new place where I’m going to be hanging out with lovely cool nerds, some of whom I might want to date?

Things are going pretty well, with one lingering problem: in my last relationship (… which was also my first), I found out that any sort of penetration (v) for me is horribly, soul-crushingly painful. (Before you suggest anything… look, we tried it all. Just take my word here.)

The desire is there, but the pain is worse than a rib tattoo and there’s also a sense of “something has gone horribly wrong” that takes the mood out back and shoots it like Old Yeller. Right now, I’m in a place where women’s health sucks. The state pushes abstinence-only sex-ed, and even the Planned Parenthood I went to to get this checked out basically tested me for STDs (all clear, at least), said “man, that’s some weird pain,” and shrugged. Some health digging later, I’ve got the possibilities narrowed down, and the most likely culprit is Vaginismus, an involuntary contraction of the muscles that sometimes happens without a clear cause.

Now, you’re not a real doctor, so let me cut to the meat of the question. Even ignoring the move, getting settled in, medical costs, scheduling, etc… most solutions out there will take some months to do their thing, if everything goes smoothly and this is what I think it is.
However, I would really like to find my way to the dating scene and hold hands and kiss and have sex (that doesn’t include penetration) very soon!

Now how the fuck do I break this to potential partners?

I’m fucking terrified of one of them thinking I’m lying and subjecting me to horrible pain in a vulnerable moment, and I don’t want to present this as an “oh, well… someday” thing, because I don’t want someone sticking around for what could be rather than what’s there in the moment. And also there’s my anxiety brain whispering that THIS is why she cheated on me, even when I know very well that my anxiety brain is full of some hot bullshit.

When do I tell someone that a kind-of-expected-and-easy-for-most-people sex act is 100% off the table? Sometime between the second date and right before? In an ideal world, everyone would be cool, but unfortunately, there are Stealth Assholes and folk who never did the supplemental sex-ed and think penetration is supposed to hurt.

Not to mention potential hurtful gossip and stigma if I really misjudge someone.

Sorry, Dr. NerdLove, but this has been weighing on me.

Sincerely,
The Spirit is Willing, but the Flesh isn’t Having It

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