communication Archives

How Do I Talk To Women I Just Met?

March 25, 2022 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove: My (30M) biggest issue at the moment is approaching new women.

I have recently moved to a new country and am slowly building my social circles, and have met some amazing women in the process. However, as I am impatient and strive to improve myself and also want to do it for the challenge itself, I have been eyeing cold approaching women in public (daygame, so to speak). I have done that a few times and it went pretty okay, even netted me a date, but still during the conversation I am an anxious wreck. As a wise man once said, the most important step is the next one; but herein lies my problem: after opening, I do not know what to talk about.

For example: “Hey I thought you were cute and wanted to meet you. Hi I am xxx.” “Hi, nice to meet you, I am yyy”. And then? Ask her how her day is going? How does one get from that to a rapport-building conversation that makes it memorable enough for her to want to see me again (if she is receptive)?

Or am I overthinking this? Learning this stuff is important to me since I have gone long enough through life without meeting all these gorgeous women I see daily when out and about, and to change that I know I have to eat some crow first but any little help would be appreciated.

Thanks.

In Search of Lost Opportunities

[Read more…]

How To Stay Positive (Even When Everything Is Awful)

March 23, 2022 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

One of the keys to any sort of self-improvement, emotional resilience, even just making progress in your own development is also one of the least appreciated: knowing how to perservere, even when the world seems to be falling apart. In fairness, trying to stay positive and how to keep your head up, even when it feels pointless and hopeless, can feel like being told “just keep going, just keep grinding” or toxic positivity. And honestly, it’s hard to feel like there’s hope in the world right now. Just look at… well, everything.

Figure in ragged hoodie, gas-mask and hazmat gear wanders in an orange-colored post-apocalyptic wasteland — 🎶 I don’t want to set the world on fiiiiiiiire… I just want to start a flame in your heart… 🎶

Every day, we read more about assaults on people’s right to choose, politicians using trans kids and LGBTQ people as punching bags to stir up their base and survive primary challenges, we’re entering the third year of a global pandemic and Russia’s invasion of Ukraine has heralded the return of the looming threat of global thermonuclear war. Oh also the Nazis are back.

animated gif from Rise of Skywalker. Oscar Isaac as Poe Dameron speaking to a crowd. Text reads: "Somehow, Palpatine returned" — OH COME ON…

Of course, the world doesn’t have to be on the brink of WWIII to feel as though there’s no hope. You can have enough heartbreak, struggle and setbacks in your own life to feel as though all hope is lost, regardless of the rest of the world. But whether you’re living through a global crisis, local upheaval or even your own personal long dark teatime of the soul, it’s easy to surrender to despair. It can feel like there’s no point to anything.

But it doesn’t have to. Sometimes the bravest and strongest thing you can do is simply refuse to give up hope. Here’s how to keep hope alive… even when your world is falling apart.

[Read more…]

I Think I’m In Love With My Best Friend. What Do I Do?

March 14, 2022 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hello, Dr.NerdLove.

I am an 18 year old non-binary person. I am currently going through a lot of life changes. I moved countries to go to college, started living alone for the first time, and had to make friends, all on my own, while having social anxiety. These were all changes I was ready for. I prepared myself mentally to tackle them. However, I was not expecting one of them: to fall in love.

I made a friend in my “new life”. I don’t think I’ve connected so quickly to anyone before. Even though we’re in the same class, we only started talking through social media, while on a holiday break. We started talking because of both of us being asexual. We then started hanging out, and doing activities together, to the point where hanging out with each other outside of school is part of our routine. We share values, hobbies, and we understand each other’s issues. (Both of us being queer, having social anxiety, being neurodivergent, etc).

The more I spent time with him, the more I realized that what I felt was more than just platonic attraction. I now know that I definitely have romantic feelings for him. I think about him all the time, and want to share everything with him. I started noticing that I suddenly feel the urge to blurt out “I love you” while we’re hanging out. Or the urge to hug him, or lay my head on his shoulders. To buy him random gifts that I know he’ll appreciate. To be around him, even if we’re not doing anything together.

I was certain that I was aromantic before meeting him. Every time I had felt “romantic feelings” for someone in the past, I always ended up realizing that they were just platonic. But this time it’s different. And I’m so inexperienced that it’s very, very scary to think that I could lose this person by telling him how I feel.

I have rejection sensitive dysphoria, and that makes me terrified of the idea that he might reject my feelings and abandon me completely if I told him how I feel. There’s also the added factor that he’s pretty much the only “real friend” that I have in this new environment. I don’t want to risk the best friendship I’ve ever had; but at the same time, I feel like it’s physically painful to hold my feelings in for any longer.

I have a feeling that he might also be romantically interested in me. He’s told me things he’s told no one, we’ve talked about romance, and about doing long-term projects together. The other day, while at his house, he told me:

“You know, before I had the urge to go upstairs and tell you how happy I was that you were here, but I didn’t so I’m telling you now”.
(And he’s told me other things as sweet as this one before).

I am not very good at communicating. He is not perfect at it either, but ever since we started hanging out, he has constantly expressed that he likes my company, and that he likes hanging out with me more than he does with any of our other classmates. He has helped me through rough times, and he has helped me get out of my comfort zone.

But even then, how do I distinguish if he’s saying all these things out of platonic feelings, out of romantic ones, or out of both?

I really, really don’t want to make our relationship weird by confessing. But at the same time, I feel like he deserves to know how much I appreciate and love him. With both of us being asexual, a romantic relationship wouldn’t feel that different from a very close platonic one, so I’m not really that worried about being rejected romantically; I am just deeply terrified of losing him or making our relationship worse by confessing.

Do you think me telling him how much I love him will ruin our friendship? Is it worth the risk?

Thank you!

First Time Jitters

[Read more…]

I’m Not Broken, So Why Do Men Keep Trying to Fix Me?

February 25, 2022 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hello Doc!

Long time reader first time writer. Your column has hit really close to home many times and I figured it couldn’t hurt to get your take on my situation.

I am a hyper-independent female with a relatively active social life and am good with the opposite sex and dating. Sounds great right? Where’s the catch you ask? My problem starts when the sexy time ends and attachment begins.

To be super cliché, I don’t do love, rather I don’t feel love, at least not the hearts and flutters and serotonin that I am told people usually feel. I tell people this up front, and it has gone unheard time and time again. And in the end, it always goes badly and someone always gets hurt. I generally get called a cold unfeeling bitch. Because how can I not feel the same?! Or worse I will be told, then “I’ll just have to teach you how to love”.

Needless to say, I hate everything this implies. I have been in many long term unhealthy relationships because, maybe one day I’ll feel it, right? No dice. Can someone be aromantic but not asexual? And is there any way at all that I can be considered relationship material with out the love connection? Or am I going to be stuck with short term because people assume that I don’t feel anything just because I don’t feel as strongly as they do? Help!

Not A Fixer-Upper

[Read more…]

How Do I Finally Break Out of My Shell Around Women?

January 26, 2022 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Dr. NerdLove,

I’ve stumbled across this site about a year ago and have really been reading and trying to take your advice in all kinds of areas of my life. I have always been fearful of showing my vulnerability to people and it even lead to issues with some of my ex-girlfriends. I have for the past few years been improving on and genuinely showing myself off to people. The reason I did this was because I tend to have a lot of people who end up letting their guard down with me very easily and telling me about their mental health struggles such as depression, suicidal thoughts or attempts, cutting themselves, abuse, etc and they find I’m a very easy and caring person to talk to about this. I didn’t want to feel like burdening people who may have those issues with problems going on in my own life that felt minuscule in comparison, so I hid it. It was unhealthy I admit, but I was doing it for what I thought was for the benefit of someone who was suffering in my eyes. These days although I am still someone who hears this kind of stuff, I have made it more of a mission to be more active in saying how I really feel when asked rather than always replying “I’m fine.”

My problem I still have yet to fully overcome, however, is really expressing attraction to people I actually would like to have sex with. Granted, women (and men) have told me that I am quite attractive and I have for years even had women chase after me to either become a boyfriend or do sexual activities with me, but I was always someone who was just passive with it all. I’ve had a total of 5 relationships so far and all of them were initiated by the women asking me out. I lost my virginity only a few months ago and it was due to me striking up a conversation with a women who sat by me in a bar and she slid over her number after the conversation to which I followed up on and had sex which she said I was an enjoyable partner. For reference, I am 23 now.

I keep thinking in the back of my mind that being too forward about maybe getting a Friends with Benefit situation or even a one-night stand to be inappropriate (despite the fact I know women are also sexual beings). Thus, I feel like I have to always be super respectful in that category, which leads to me being really slow to initiate things sexually, even though I am confident in expressing interest in general attraction more generally although again in a passive manner.

So I want to ask, what can I do to become more confident in being active in my flirting and being comfortable just trying to get sexual relationships without much else attached? I don’t just want to keep being the passive guy who although can occasionally get females interested. I largely just never go after who I want due to my own insecurities about the man I’m trying to be.

Holding Back

[Read more…]