So the other day, one of my exes was hitting me up for some relationship advice ((And this right here is likely the most unbelievable thing I have ever written)). She and her boyfriend were having issues connecting sexually. They were amazingly compatible in just about every area of their relationship except sex. The sex was just… enh.
My first question whenever someone tells me that their sex life is on the downward spiral is “Well… have you talked about it?” Not surprisingly, the answer was “no.” In fact, just about every time that’s the answer I get. My follow-up answer is almost always “Why the hell not?”
“Because Jackson1 thinks that it’s supposed to come naturally. If you spend too much time talking about it or making it happen it’s just not genuine,” she said.
This was the point when I asked for his address so I could beat him about the head and shoulders with the Chair Leg of Truth.
Unfortunately, this attitude – that if you’re really compatible, the sex should be completely unplanned, undiscussed and magic all by itself – is absurdly common. Somewhere along the lines, the idea developed that if you have to actually think about and talk about sex, you’re doing it wrong, and it causes no end of stress to otherwise happy relationships. This is one of the most asinine memes I have ever run across and not a day goes by that I wish I couldn’t kill it with fire.
Sex is an incredibly important part of a long-term relationship, and sexual dissatisfaction is one of the top relationship killers. Good sex requires more than just compatible genitals and it’s more than just knowing mechanical tricks like the reverse corckscrew swirl or the Rusty Venture; it requires a willingness to investigate, to really get aquainted with what it is you like and – most importantly – being able to communicate what you want to your partner.
So let’s talk about what it takes to actually get the sex you want.
- not his real name, obviously [↩]