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You are here: Home / Archives for communication

Ask Dr. NerdLove: Sex Is Like Pizza…

May 30, 2012 by Dr. NerdLove 21 Comments

Doctor,

I’m a virgin girl. I’m in a relationship with a boy I love very much and feel ready to take the next step and he is a virgin too. I browse a lot of stuff online (female oriented blogs mind you) and there was a topic of not having sex until marriage. Comments said that they wouldn’t ever marry someone if the sex was “bad” and that no sex until marriage was a bad idea because of this (but it’s not really applying to me). This scares me so, so much. I’m in love with this boy that I am with and DO NOT want to leave him. We just mesh so well together and he is everything I ever wanted in someone. The fact we are both virgins however really scares me now. We are compatible with our likes and stuff but since we are virgins..I can assume the sex won’t be mind blowing at first. Is “bad sex” really the death sentence for a relationship or am I overreacting?  Is there more to it that I don’t know about?

 -scaredandconfused

This is actually a fairly common concern – and not just among women. In fact, this has come up a few times in the comments for Monday’s article.  A lot of people are worried that being “bad at sex” due to inexperience (or worse, being a virgin) will keep them from ever having a successful relationship… or from trying to initiate a relationship at all.

The problem is that you seem to be conflating sexual compatibility – what most people mean when they talk about whether the sex is “bad” or “good” –  for sexual experience. And there’s a rather decided difference between the two.

Sex is a critical part of a romantic relationship. Sexual compatibility is one of the key components of keeping two people together; it’s the fear of being seen as “shallow” or “selfish” that frequently keeps two people together when the sex just isn’t working, whether it’s incompatible sexual needs, mismatched libidos or just plain old fashioned unrealistic expectations – and there doesn’t seem to be any way to fix things, including strategic non-monogamy.

Now to be fair: part of good sex is a matter of skill and practice. However, this doesn’t mean that a virgin is inherently a bad lover or is doomed to bad sex until he or she gets X number of years/partners/experience points under her belt. Nobody is born as a masterful lover, no matter what they may tell you. Everybody starts from the same place –  an absolute beginner – and moves on from there. It’s after that point that we all start to diverge.

Some people get an earlier start than others; they may hit puberty early on, they may discover masturbation at a younger age and get more familiar with how to make themselves feel good, they have their first sexual experience (which includes more than just genital-to-genital contact, thank you very much) with a partner before their peers do. Some people are just more relaxed with their bodies and their sexuality thanks to their upbringing and peer group. Some people come to sex at a later age or take longer to get comfortable with themselves. Others may not discover their sexual identity until much later in life.

All any of this means is that some people have a head start of sorts. Having sex or sexual experience earlier isn’t inherently good – in fact, the less mature (and there’s a decided difference between age and maturity) the people are, the less likely they are to grasp the full implications and responsibilities that come with sex. Coming to your sexual life later isn’t inherently bad either; being a virgin or having little experience sexually isn’t shameful nor is it a sign that there’s something wrong with you.

Sex is more than just “insert tab a into slot b, repeat as needed.” It’s also more than “I need to know X, Y and Z in order to make my lover feel good/orgasm/want to keep having sex with me.” It’s about being aware of your body, being comfortable with it and being familiar with what turns you on and what gets you off. After all, if you don’t know what you want or need, you won’t be able to ask for it.

Yes, I said “ask for it”. Good sex is also about communication. Having good sex – especially when you’re having sex for the first time you have with someone new – means being able to communicate clearly and guide him or her towards what you enjoy and how you enjoy it. Sometimes you’ll both luck into the right combo… but more often than not, you’re going to have to work together to establish the rhythm and flow. If he’s using his tongue but flicking about your clitoris like a lizard isn’t doing the trick, you want to be able to tell him what you need him to do instead. Similarly, if you’re going down on him or her but they need more friction, more suction, more toungue, less teeth, something, they need to be able to tell you as well. Don’t be afraid to (gently) let your partner know what you want them to do differently, and be sure to let him or her know (enthusiastically) what they’re doing right. The better you are able to communicate, the more you’ll both enjoy the experience.

Now, the fact that the two of you are virgins doesn’t mean that the sex is going to be bad. It will be a little awkward, maybe a little weird and uncomfortable, even possibly a bit silly… but that doesn’t mean that it can’t be wonderful either. You haven’t had actual penis-in-vagina action yet, but you don’t say what you have had… whether the two of you have gone down on each other, engaged in some mutual masturbation, tit-fucking, anal play, what-have-you. If you haven’t progressed past making out and some hands-over-the-junk action, I would recommend that you take penetrative sex off the table for a while. Take some time – and by time I mean months – and get used to each other’s bodies. Learn the contours, learn the various tastes and textures and smells; sometimes they can be disconcerting and the last thing either of you wants is to interrupt the moment with a “woah, what is that” face because you encountered something you’re not familiar with. Get used to being naked together, rolling around together and getting off together before you dive straight into penetration. The more familiar and comfortable you are with each other, the better off you will be when you finally do move to the big moment. It won’t be some big mystery full of anxiety and tension; it’ll be the next, natural step in your relationship with your boyfriend.

As a bonus question I know you are neither female nor a doctor but my doctor could not do the finger test because it hurt me so bad. This scares me too that it’ll just cause more trouble sexually…

This actually required some Googling on my part because… well… the phrase “finger test” is somewhat archaic in these parts. In fact, it depends on whether we’re talking about part of a standard pelvic exam by a gynecologist or a check of one’s virginity.

(For the record, the “finger test” for virginity – that is, checking for proof of virginity by examining the presence of the hymen or vaginal laxity- and other virginity tests are actually considered violations of human rights and dignity by Amnesty International.)

So assuming that we’re talking about your standard gynecological exam: well, there could be a number of reasons for this. You may have been incredibly nervous and tense during the exam – rather understandable. You may have a narrow vaginal canal or less laxity in the vaginal muscles than average. You may have physical trauma from an accident. If this was a one-time issue and you’ve been able to insert, say, a tampon (or your fingers or a sex toy) without issue, then it could just be the stress of the moment. If this is a regular issue, then it’s decidedly something to talk to your doctor about – and Dr. NerdLove is emphatically not a real doctor.

But before you start hitting up Doctor Google instead, I’d focus on what your doc said at the time. If she wasn’t concerned about it, then I wouldn’t be concerned either if I were you. I’m willing to bet money that it comes down to: you’re a virgin and exams just aren’t fun under the best of circumstances.

Penetration for the first time can be somewhat uncomfortable; after all, you’re having an unfamiliar object inserted into an area where you haven’t had one before. It’s going to be an odd sensation. If you still have your hymen, it might even be a little painful at first. It’s easy to minimize your discomfort; you want plenty of lubrication (specifically a water-based lubricant like KY or Astroglide, not petroleum jelly, saliva, butter, baby-oil or any other improvised lube… these will damage the condom – you are using condoms –  and can cause irritation) and to take things very slowly and gently.

Good luck.

Filed Under: Advice, Communication, Sex Tagged With: communication, sex, sexual compatibility, skills, virginity

Why Women Flake (And How To Stop It)

April 23, 2012 by Dr. NerdLove 126 Comments

How many times have you been doing well with a woman you’d just met only to have it fizzle out the next day with no warning? In the moment, everything was amazing; you were flirting back and forth, you got her number and the promise of getting together later. By all rights it should be all systems go for getting a date that weekend. Instead, it’s all last minute cancellations and radio silence. That first time you asked her out ended with “Sounds great, call me the day of, ok?”. The day of, it was “Oh I’m so sorry, but I’m actually busy today. Maybe next time?” Then… nothing. Your texts get one or two word answers. Your voice mails are never being returned. You’re shouting impotently into the void, hoping for an answer.

She flaked on you. Sucks, don’t it?

Unfortunately, flaking is a common occurrence when you’re dating, especially when you’re building your skills. It’s incredibly frustrating because it can feel as though it came out of nowhere – you were doing everything right and then suddenly you hit that wall of silence. So what can you do about it? Well, to start with, let’s examine why women flake… and then how we can prevent flakes from happening1 . [Read more…]

  1. Let’s get the Head and Shoulders jokes out of the way now, shall we? [↩]
Pages: 1 2

Filed Under: Communication, Dating Tagged With: communication, dating, flake out, flakes, talking to women, troubleshooting

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About Dr. NerdLove:

Harris O'Malley (AKA Dr. NerdLove) is an internationally recognized blogger and dating coach who gives dating advice to geeks of all stripes. Making nerds sexier since 20011

Remember: Dr. NerdLove is not really a doctor. [Read More …]

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Recent Comments

  • Mike Something I'd like to add LW1, I'm going to suggest an exercise I also recently suggested to another LW recently: if you find yourself in a situation like this again where you have just begun dating...

    Ask Dr. NerdLove: Why Do People Say “It’s Not You, It’s Me?” ·  February 20, 2019

  • aennilla LW1: The Doc and others have already pointed out that you seemed to overinvest in this woman, and I wholeheartedly agree with what they had to say. The "It's not you, it's me" is often used because...

    Ask Dr. NerdLove: Why Do People Say “It’s Not You, It’s Me?” ·  February 20, 2019

  • aennilla LW2: I think PintsizeBro hit the nail right on the head there. People often think that intimacy disappears when they stop having sex, not realizing that the reason sex stopped is because they for some...

    Ask Dr. NerdLove: Why Do People Say “It’s Not You, It’s Me?” ·  February 20, 2019

  • PintsizeBro LW1, I hope this doesn't come off as condescending because that's not how I mean it, but your mindset exactly reflects your current age. Even if you hadn't mentioned your age and college, I would have...

    Ask Dr. NerdLove: Why Do People Say “It’s Not You, It’s Me?” ·  February 20, 2019

  • PintsizeBro LW2, you mention the lack of kissing almost as an afterthought, but that strikes me as the place to start. It sounds like your husband has retreated from non-sexual physical affection as well. Do you...

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