This is going to seem like it’s coming out of left field, given how many questions you get are some form of “HOW DO I START HAVING SEX?”, but – honestly – I’m not ready. I want it eventually, but now is not that time. I’ve got my hang-ups and my issues, and they are mine to keep.
I think I’m finally starting to be ready to date – again, lots of reasons why I wasn’t dating before that aren’t important – but I’m not ready for sex yet and I have a feeling that any of the folks I start seeing will expect sex. How do I bring this up? When do I bring this up? I don’t really have much experience in general, but I’m expecting that the person that I’m going to coffee with eventually will want to have sex with me, especially given the questions about whether I’m a top, a bottom, or versatile…
I’m not ready. I will become ready in my own time; that’s not what I need help with. What I need help with is figuring out how to properly communicate it and what to expect when I do so. Should I lay it out in the open early on? Should I wait until sex comes up? Should I even put myself out there if I won’t be putting out?
What should I do?
– Put Out About Putting Out
There comes a point in every relationship where you have to have an awkward or intimidating conversation you’d rather avoid.
There’s no getting around it. No relationship you’ll ever have, whether it’s with friends, family or lovers, will be without problems. If you’ve got two (or more) humans together, conflict is pretty much inevitable. It’s easy in the early days, when great sex, or even just the thrill and novelty of a new relationship can paper over a lot of sins. When you’re busy banging out on every flat surface you can find, it’s very easy to convince yourself that those rough edges aren’t so bad. You’re pretty sure that this particular problem will smooth itself out in the future. And really, if you bring it up now… well, why ruin a good thing, right?
But not every problem in a relationship is there from the start. Even when things are perfect at the beginning, we grow. We change. What we need from others will change as well. Even things that may have worked for us in the past may not work any more.
However, the longer we go without talking about those issues, the harder it can be to actually bring them up in the first place. After all, how can you tell your partner that you’re not enjoying sex with them any more without starting a fight? How do you tell your partner that the thing they love to do squicks you out?
Things go unsaid and so the conversation becomes more difficult. It’s one thing to say that something is wrong in the relationship. But how do you have a conversation about something that’s been wrong for months or even years?
It doesn’t take very long before we become afraid of the conversation about the problem. But because we’re afraid of making things awkward, we let those problems fester.
If you can’t talk about the problems in your relationship, you can’t fix them. Here’s how to actually have those awkward conversations.
We all want to have an amazing relationship. The problem is that most of us go about it the wrong way. See, one of the mistakes we make when it comes to relationships is that we tend to assume there’s one way to have them. We accept the default mode without thinking about it. Worse: we rarely talk about what we expect from a relationship until after it’s started to fall apart.
The mistake is that – once we’ve chosen our partner – we tend to assume the work is done. The credits are going to roll and everything else is going to be sitcom-esque bliss, complete with laugh tracks and neighbors with curious ideas about boundaries. Then, three fights later about cake batter and alternate uses for pastry bags, and your slice of Heaven has turned into a new layer of Hell.
When we let relationships just “happen”, we increase the likelihood of conflict and ugly break-ups. But by taking the time in the beginning of a relationship, we can build the love affair of our dreams.
One of the inevitabilities when it comes to relationships – whether you’re currently in one or just trying to be – is that you’re going to deal with feelings of insecurity, jealousy and envy. No couple, no matter how perfect, isn’t going to deal with pangs of jealousy. Nobody, no how amazing, is immune from envy. Even non-monogamous couples who get turned on by their partners sleeping with other people deal with jealousy on the regular. The key – regardless of the type of relationship or how many people are involved – isn’t in avoiding jealousy but in knowing how to handle it.
This week, we’re going to talk about recognizing jealousy… and what to do about it.
- The difference between jealousy and envy, and why it’s important to know which is which
- How jealousy and envy manifest in unexpected ways
- What you feel physically can tell you about how you feel emotionally
- Identifying the root causes of jealousy
- The importance of accepting your feels
and so much more…
Want more dating advice? Check out my books at www.www.doctornerdlove.com/books