communication Archives

Am I Holding My Girlfriend Back From Her Dream Job?

January 14, 2022 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove: I have been dating this amazing girl for more than a year, and it honestly has been a great. There is one little detail that always gets to me, though. My girlfriend recently graduated from a Master’s program in a field of study she is passionate about. Things being what they are in the job search department, she has been unable to find a job within that particular field.

I am currently entering my last year (hopefully) of my own graduate degree studies and currently have been promoted to a pretty good position at my job (I work at a local theme park) that gives me a 401K and health insurance. My girlfriend and I decided to move in together and she recently got a full time job (at the same theme park, because they were hiring). However, I feel like I am holding her back from her dreams and her professional development.

I often think I should encourage her to look for jobs outside of the state we currently live in, even if it means that we would have to live apart. I don’t want her to think I’m pushing her away, but I also don’t want her to feel stuck at a dead-end job for staying with me.

Career Roadblock

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Can You Ever Be Friends With An Ex?

January 10, 2022 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dr. Nerdlove,

I need your full, honest opinion if I should continue to remain just friends with this guy (Let’s call him “A”). Let me give you a backstory (I apologize in advance for the length):

“A” and I met through mutual friends when we were teenagers and were instantly drawn to one another emotionally and physically. We were able to talk about anything for hours and had a lot of common interests. We were able to be there for each other when things were bad, good, and everything in between. But there was also the sexual attraction that couldn’t be avoided. We went out a few times that always ended up with us making out at some point, but nothing more. We were never “honey, sweetie, baby, I love you” to each other.

Fast forward to a few years—“A” had previously moved away and seemed to have fallen off the face of the earth. His phone number was no longer the same so I had no way of contacting him. However, thanks to social media and mutual friends I was able to re-connect with him again when we were just about 20. It was like nothing ever changed. We were still able to make each other laugh and hang out with friends and watch movies like no time had passed. “A” had an on-again-off-again girlfriend and I had just gotten out of a terrible relationship from high school. We were able to talk each other through the weirdness of it all. However, this time when things got a little heated between us, it went all the way, but once and only once (we were both single at the time of the hook up, of course).

I think –without saying it out loud to each other—“A” and I knew our wants and needs in life were totally different and our paths were not the same. We kind of mutually knew that a true romantic relationship wasn’t in the cards for us because we knew deep down it would never work out long-term. We had continued to hang out a little after that and never really talked about our hook up after it happened. It wasn’t bad or awkward, but I just don’t know if it was truly meant to happen.

“A” had confessed to me one night that his ex-girlfriend recently admitted to him that she was a few months pregnant with his child. He was beside himself at how his future was going to look and I got uncomfortable. Kids were never something I wanted for my future and even if I stuck around, I’d know he’d always be tied to this unruly ex-girlfriend that he always complained about. I’m ashamed to say it, but I kind of politely ghosted him after that. I had texted him one day telling him I wasn’t sure if we should see each other or talk as much anymore, especially because he was so torn about what he should do moving forward with this girlfriend (he wanted to be a good father and try to make amends with the girlfriend and I didn’t want to get in the way of that). He was sad, but understood and we kind of just ended it there. I would find him online years down the road (I didn’t friend request him or anything) and saw he remained in his relationship with his girlfriend, and they welcomed a second baby since our “split”. It seemed to be going well for him and I was happy.

I am now in my 30s and have been in an amazing, loving, and supportive 10+ year relationship with the most wonderful man I have ever met. We’ve been through everything together, have no issues, and we know that we’re both in it with each other for the long run! But recently, “A” found me on Instagram and messaged me that he was thinking about me and he hopes I’m well. I politely messaged him back and said the same. He admitted his same previous girlfriend had left him after 11 years after admitting to cheating on him for quite some time. He was heartbroken, but I picked him up and brushed him off and talked him through it. He clearly sees through my photos I am serious with my boyfriend. I told him how stable and happy I am and “A” tells me he’s happy that I’m happy.

“A” and I got to messaging each other about our past and he mentioned how weird it was that things just never lined up for us. I agreed but admitted to him that I truly think we were never meant to be a couple, but just friends. He agreed to this…. and now… what?

Is it possible for two people who have had such an intimate relationship in the past be friends today? I understand that our situation was clearly a “friends with benefits” circumstance, but it’s really hard for me to see this person and not think: “We’ve had sex”. I also know that my current boyfriend has no issues with me being friends with other guys, but this particular situation is for some reason not sitting well with me. Is it possible to get over this? Is my gut telling me this cannot happen? I know if I had to end this friendship with “A”, he would understand, he’s never been cruel or a jerk, but I would feel like an A-hole again for being the one to cut ties.

Give it to me straight—am I overthinking this and risking losing a potential friend? Or am I being stupid for considering a previous fling could ever be just a friend?

Sincerely,
Damn Confused

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: So What’s Wrong With Telling Women They’re “Being Crazy?”

January 7, 2022 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Doctor’s Note: The second letter in today’s column deals with talk of suicide. Please proceed with caution, and if you’re having suicidal thoughts, please call The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255.

Hello,

I recently read your article in the Washington Post about calling women crazy (or stopping). Your points are valid but it left me thinking, what’s the solution? When you don’t call and your lady is pissed, what then? My reaction is to cite the reasons why, then get pissed because it seems like it shouldn’t be a big deal and all of a sudden it is. She says “all I want you to do is hear me and acknowledge or take accountability.” Then I’ve been accused of gaslighting, which I don’t feel I am doing but am willing to consider.

Is it simply not acceptable to point out irrationality or over reaction any more ? See the thing is we as men and including myself believe women are crazy because behavior seemingly comes out of nowhere with unexplainable intensity. I myself acknowledge I believe this on a deep level. I don’t call my partner crazy out loud, but I do in my head.

So when your woman is having an emotional reaction you don’t want to deal with or are unprepared for, what is the solution? Obviously we shouldn’t dismiss them and call them crazy, irrational, or ask if they’re on their period, but what next? Seek to understand?

Also one more question, why is it not a legitimate question to ask where a woman is in their cycle when it so clearly affects emotion? Supposedly it’s dismissive but it seems like a totally valid question like, “how tired or hangry are you?”

Thanks for your input.

Feel Like I’m Taking Crazy Pills

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Help, My Boyfriend Wants to Move To Another Country!

January 3, 2022 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hi Dr. NerdLove,

I’ve known my partner for around 1.5 years. He’s from a foreign country, but his parents are from here. He moved here half a year ago, the plan was to stay here for 1-2 years to learn the language and work. Entering the relationship was a difficult decision for him, because he never thought he would commit to someone outside of his own country. However, we decided to commit even though the future seems scary for both of us.

He’s been having a hard time adjusting (he barely speaks the local language), and whenever he faces an inconvenience he would have a break down and he would wish he were somewhere else. And whenever that happens, I would get so scared he would leave me because I feel that he’ll never truly be happy in this country. He repeatedly said he belongs in his country, and his goal is to return there. He said he wants us to move to his country, but it won’t be easy for me as I am a woman, and I’ll have problems with my family about it. Plus he hasn’t had a stable job and he lives on allowance from his parents here.

Recently he’s been having breakdowns once a week, sometimes because he’s unsure of his future here, sometimes because he doesn’t feel safe here, sometimes because he just feels alienated. I told him to make friends, and to start building his career here so he’d have easier time adjusting. But he doesn’t make effort to do so, and I’d feel that he doesn’t even try to adjust and his ultimate goal is to return to his country and he’d never be truly happy here. These days I just tell him “if going back to your country will make you happy then you can do that”. I feel guilty that I can’t be a good listener and supporter because I want to understand him and how hard adjusting can be, but at the same time I feel very frustrated that every inconvenience he faces would trigger an emotional breakdown and this happens frequently.

I mean, I would sacrifice things in my life to move to his country, but I don’t know if he wants to put effort into doing the same thing.

What should I do?

Homesick Pilots

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How Do I Stop Someone Who’s Trying to Ruin My Marriage?

November 17, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hello,

I happened to find you through a google search when I tried to look up info about how to avoid creeping people out. I’m emailing you because I want to see if you’re able to answer any questions that I have about your article: “Social Awkwardness is Not an Excuse” in writing? I’m asking because I have limited ability to pick up on non-verbal cues and adhere to social norms due to my Aspergers, which is often resulting in me being subject to numerous complaints to school officials and authorities. Many times, I normally don’t realize that what I happened to do to someone is actually crossing the line until the very last minute, which by then, it’s already too late for me to fix. Here are the following questions:

1. What creepy behaviors would most likely subject the person responsible to civil and/or criminal penalties, including disciplinary action from school?

2. Do difficulties with social cues and norms really increase the risk of unintentionally creeping people out? If so, can you explain how come and how prevalent this issue is?

3. Many times, I often resort to briefly advocating to those I’m about to associate and/or frequently cross paths with about my Aspergers and the extent of it (which especially includes my frequent need for clear communication) in order to reduce the chances of any misconceptions that could happen. What do you have to say about that?

4. I’ve heard rumors that because women and girls are conditioned to be nice in certain situations, any chance of them communicating clearly to you if something was to happen that I may not know about is very rare. Is that really true? If so, how can I possibly get around this?

5. How come can’t you use “I wasn’t really aware since she didn’t communicate her boundaries to me clearly” as an excuse when it comes to being accused of unintentionally creeping her out? Bc for me, this is more of a concern if the circumstances were a misconception

Please note that I am NOT seeking a dating relationship by asking these questions, I’m only trying to make sure I have confidence in building friendships the acceptable way and staying out of trouble in general from there. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Thank you,
Trying To Find The Manual

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