communication Archives

Ask Dr. NerdLove: What’s Wrong With My Being a Pick-Up Artist?

May 31, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

I’m a 29 year old man living in Texas. Growing up and even in my early 20s, I kept getting rejected by women. I was pissed this kept happening so I decided to do something about it. Because look, if I’m the common denominator, the problem is ME.

First, I focused on self-improvement and striving a decent person. I still had ZERO success. And I didn’t even get matches on Tinder.

Then my best friend introduced me to this company called RSD (Real Social Dynamics) and I followed the teachings there. I’ve had multiple girlfriends since, and it’s crazy because I did everything people previously suggested such as do a hobby, work out, be interesting on dates, etc…yet I’m seeing women were into me way more when I started acting like more of an asshole.

Why is PUA stuff like RSD derided when it clearly got some guys like me results? The advice there was much more helpful than ANYTHING I see in the mainstream. Also, when people say this is just manipulation, it’s also on the counterparty because they SELECT for this type of behavior. When I was “kind and decent” I only got rejected and heard “women don’t owe you anything because you’re a kind person”, so I just adapted to what I noticed women I liked responded to.

Really, what’s wrong with doing what works? I sometimes think all these people who never gave me good input and are suddenly expressing outrage with PUA should stfu because they have no business chiming in now.

Thanks,
Socially Dynamic

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What Men Need to Know About Flirting

April 14, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

As more and more people get vaccinated against COVID, we’re all starting to step back into the world again. Just as importantly, people are ready to try to jumpstart their love lives again after a long, frustrating and lonely year of enforced solitude. And while there’s going to be an adjustment period as we all try to come back from having gone fully feral, one thing that hasn’t changed is the need for social skills. And while “hey, Pfizer, Moderna or J&J” may work for an opening line, a lot of people fumble at what comes next.

Bearded,Handsome,Man,Smiling,Thoughtfully,Listening,To,His,Beautiful,Woman — “So, want to come back to my place and meet my sourdough starter?”

We may all be desperate for human contact, but understanding how to connect with people is still vital. And if you’re looking to break out of a pandemic-induced dry spell, then you need to understand how to flirt.

Flirting is one of the most important — and paradoxically, one of the most misunderstood — skills when it comes to dating. A lot of men assume that flirting is an incredibly specific process; you have to act and speak a certain way, demonstrate your value or worth and show that you’re the best possible choice out of everyone else at the bar. By doing so, you generate powerful attraction — even in the most obstinate of women — and get her number or a shared Uber back to your place.

Except… that’s not how flirting works. That’s not how flirting works at all.

Flirting isn’t about generating attraction and interest where there isn’t any; in fact, if someone isn’t interested in you, trying to flirt is likely going to make them roll their eyes so hard that they can see their own brain. Flirting, at its most basic, is about signaling your interest, gauging potential attraction and — most importantly — engaging someone on an emotional level.

In fact, the emotional engagement is the most important part of flirting. It’s what captures somebody’s attention, what draws them to you and what encourages them to want to spend more time with you. Flirting is about having fun, not trying to get laid. You are showing your interest in someone in a fun and engaging way, while inviting them to join you in that fun. In a very real way, flirting is the art of giving people permission to do something that they already want to do: enjoy themselves with someone who’s warm and charming. People often enjoy flirting for its own sake — not because they want to hook up but because they enjoy how it feels. Flirting can be a game. Done properly, flirting is about the fun you have together, not what the end results may or may not be.

Once you understand this fundamental aspect of flirting, the rest comes much more easily.

So let’s clear up some misunderstandings and talk about how to get better at flirting.

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We Can’t Have Sex. What Should We Do?

April 5, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr NerdLove

My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for about 3.5 years and we’ve been through a lot together and I like to think it’s a pretty solid relationship overall.

However in the last year our sex life has suffered, namely because I haven’t wanted it or enjoyed it. Sorry to be TMI, but I often struggle to get physically aroused, can have limited sensation ‘down there’ or when I can feel things it’s often, at best, uncomfortable and, at worst, painful.

I have always tried to be open and honest with him about these issues and, at first, it caused arguments as my boyfriend thought I might no longer be attracted to him and/or wanted to be with someone else (feelings based on bad experiences in his previous relationships). But that’s very much not the case and I’d always try to talk it out with him and reassure him as best I could.

Towards the start of 2019, I went back on antidepressants for a depressive episode. And at first I thought this was what was causing my problems. And so when it got to May this year and I was having physical health issues (which me and the doctor thought were side effects of the antidepressants) and I had to come off them, I was hopeful that at least my sex problems would be resolved.

They were not. Plot twist – it wasn’t the anti depressants. With the same physical issues on going (and seemingly connected to the sex problems) I was referred to an endocrinologist and found out I have a suspected tumour. IN MY BRAIN.

Ok. Ok. So it’s not exactly in my brain but just under it. On my pituitary gland. And it’s most likely benign. But as I’m sure you can understand, it’s scary for me nevertheless.

I’m currently waiting on an MRI scan (I’m in the UK so going through the NHS) to confirm the diagnosis and start treatment, but with the pandemic and lockdown I don’t know when that will be.

My boyfriend is always very supportive of me through the hospital appointments and always looks after me when I’m not feeling great. I know he’s worried for my health and just wants me to get better. I don’t want you to think he’s completely selfish and his only concern is the fact he’s not getting any!!

I just don’t know how to handle our sex life (or lack of) in the meantime. Sometimes I will try sex with him in the hopes it will feel at least okay, but it sucks. We try to keep an open and honest conversation about the subject but we both get frustrated that there’s nothing we can really do while we wait for the doctors to sort out the tumour.

I do worry this could be the thing that ruins an otherwise amazing relationship.

What should I do?

Can’t Get Wet

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: How Do I Tell My Partner I’m Actually A Virgin?

March 5, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Dear Dr. NerdLove,

I’m a 24 year old woman. My boyfriend and I have been together for over a month, and he’s the first guy I really fell in love with. Everything seems to be fine except for one thing: I’m afraid to tell him I’m a virgin. We have already done some foreplay but we haven’t had the opportunity to be alone and go further yet, and even if I want to have sex with him, a part of me is happy to postpone the “speech” out of fear of his reaction.

I trust him, but the more I think about it the more I don’t know how to start. What if he leaves me? After all, we’re only at the beginning and we made no promises. What if he’s ashamed of me, if he thinks I’m not enough for him, and to his eyes I’m no longer attractive? Or maybe he doesn’t like the fact that, since I’m inexperienced, he will have to teach me how to please him? What if he tells his friends, or he thinks i don’t measure up to his exes? I even thought I could make up the story of how I lost my virginity years ago with a friend, but I’d feel terrible to lie to him; I could say nothing and just wait until he figures it out, but it would be too embarrassing, and I prefer to preempt the humiliation and tell him the truth myself.

Plus, even if I have no intention to wait, I still have a bit of anxiety about this new experience, especially when I think that it probably won’t all come natural to me and it’ll take time for me to learn, and I don’t see how he can enjoy waiting for me to get to his “level”. I wouldn’t want to ruin our relationship just because I don’t have the courage to open up, and therefore miss this opportunity with a guy I like very much and who likes me back. I want to be able to finally loosen up and enjoy this experience that I have been waiting for so long just like other girls, and make him understand how much I want him.

I’ve tried to report all my insecurities and everything that’s been going on in my head these days. I am probably exaggerating it, so other points of view might be helpful. Maybe I just need reassurance and a little more confidence. Any advice or opinion you have will be greatly appreciated.

Thank you,

The Queen Of Overthinking

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We’re Growing Apart. What Do I Do?

February 19, 2021 by Dr. NerdLove Leave a Comment

Hello Dr NerdLove!

I have an issue of, I guess, becoming less of a nerd. Let me explain: I (31f) have been married to my partner (35m) a few years now. When we started dating 7 years ago, we shared a lot of traits. Our best year together was when we lived abroad, worked in the same company so that our ”together-time” was during the lunch break, so then after work both of us played games for the rest of the day, separately or together.

Something changed after we bought an apartment though. Because it was ”my own nest”, I wanted to become more organized. I started pursuing more hobbies and dreamed of travel. You can see where this is going. I feel we have grown apart and there is nothing to talk about anymore. I guess my question is… how do I know when to break up? Or am I just being selfish?

There are a few things that make it difficult. On the one hand, he is the type to always be loyal and not let me go. I tried breaking up once and he just scoffed it off. Our day-to-day life together is good to ok. But I’ve started to feel better when I’m alone or with friends. He is also bad at communicating or being vulnerable; in important discussions he will become anxious and mix words up, and take multiple minutes to form words. He’s not very self-reflective either. I feel stuck. If I knew he’d get better at communicating it would be different. I’ve also thought of having a family in the future, but with him? I don’t know.

NerdLess

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